[TishaBuv]

What really dumbfounds me the most is that I think I acted like a very good daughter and sister. Can the image I think I project be so different from how I was viewed?

The way they treated me just doesn’t mesh with the way you’d treat someone who was as loving, kind, and as healthy as I think I showed them I was.

I’m just so confused as to how their perception of me was evidently so opposite of what I thought.

The one sister was so enraged with me, implying I did something so violently offensive— she called me vile. No matter how I explained myself, she didn’t want to listen, already hateful. She maintained that attitude for five months, no matter how I defended myself over again. Then when finally asked to put in writing specifically what she thinks I did, she backed off and said she was sorry. So confusing!

The other sister was just rude and callous. I never needed her help before, so this was the first time I tried to recruit her to help me reign in our mother who had twisted everything as she does and was blasting me for verbally attacking her, which had not happened. But this sister said she doesn’t care about anything that doesn’t affect her and I should just let Mom think whatever she wants to think and have no feelings about anything that happened. I just don’t count here— move along. She was downright nasty and taunting. So strange! So hurtful! I demanded she at least apologize for being so rude to me and told her how much it devastated me, and she refused to even apologize. So we haven’t spoken again, either.

It’s been several months now.

They treated me like dirt on their shoes. I just don’t understand what I did that caused them to think so lowly of me, when I was so nice and generous with them. It hurts so much.

[TishaBuv]

I got a call today from my step dad. He said he thinks about me every day and misses me. I said that I appreciate him calling even though it was all these months later. I asked if Mom had put him up to calling. He denied it. Then put her on the phone. Of course she put him up to calling because she wanted to call, but she is still playing phone games, and I know it.

She asked how I am and I told her I am getting divorced and have some serious health issues. She said she was no upset to hear about the end of my marriage, and that my health problems were not serious, I am fine. She just denies anything that does not suit her reality.

She said that she can’t stand that there is a war between her daughters and we have to stop it. Again, I told her what happened and how no one has called me, nor I them.

Again, she suggested we do a Skype call and put this to rest. Again, I said I would be willing to do that, but ‘rude’ sister better at least apologize for having hurt my feelings, which she won’t even do. She ‘refuses to be bullied’ into it. Omg. Just too crazy.

I’m sorry if I appear to anyone here as a shallow idiot, but I will not settle for being treated like garbage by my family or by anyone. If someone who is rude (no doubt about it, I have texts to prove it), and they won’t even give an apology at the cost of a life long relationship with a sister— I’m sorry, but that’s just beyond.

So, it was another upsetting phone call from Mom. There aren’t many calls anymore.

And just like last month where we had the same talk about the Skype truce happening. Nothing happened. And no doubt nothing will happen yet again.

It’s just retraumatizing stuff I have to contend with.

[unaluna]

Seriously, what is the point of an apology? Isnt it just forcing the other person to admit that you were right and they were wrong? It doesnt sound like you want to kiss and make up, or shake hands, or that you are BOTH sorry there was a misunderstanding. It sounds like you are holding the relationshi hostage unless and until the other person apologizes.

I dont mean so much THIS SITUATION in particular, but an apology situation like this in general. I dont see the two sides smoking a peace pipe together, KWIM? One is making the other cry uncle. Its not friendly. Its not win-win. Is that even possible?

[sarahsweets]

I would decide if having a relationship at all is worth it. If it is, there is nothing wrong with taking the first step to open the door for you, your sisters' and your mom.

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

I asked if Mom had put him up to calling. He denied it. Then put her on the phone. Of course she put him up to calling because she wanted to call, but she is still playing phone games, and I know it.

She asked how I am and I told her I am getting divorced and have some serious health issues. She said she was no upset to hear about the end of my marriage, and that my health problems were not serious, I am fine. She just denies anything that does not suit her reality.

If someone who is rude (no doubt about it, I have texts to prove it), and they won’t even give an apology at the cost of a life long relationship with a sister— I’m sorry, but that’s just beyond.

Tisha, I am sorry you don't have more support while you are going through your divorce. Of course the stress you are going through makes it harder to humor your mom.

My H talks to his mom every single evening (NOT suggesting you do this since you mom is upsetting). He puts her on his speaker phone and I talk to her too. We don't tell her about most of what is going on with our son. When she has learned about some of it--it makes her cry, etc. I do the same thing for my dad--I tell my brother and sister more than I tell my father about the situation. Why? I have noticed that at their advanced ages they can't handle stressful/sad news well. When people reach their 80s, as your mom has, I feel like they deserve some peace and that too much stress could push them into depression, etc. Your mom probably is worried about you in her own way.

Since your phone calls with your family are not supportive and you are still hurting from what happened--I would just leave things as they are (don't call). I am sorry you have no one from you FOO to confide in.

I am glad you are getting some support from your synagogue. Have you ever considered finding a divorcee support group? My therapist told me she hosts weekly meetings for people who are recently divorced or going through a divorce. You have said you have a friend who is supportive. When my sister was divorced--she found it to be a lifesaver that one of her friends had previously gone through a divorce. I do know that going through a divorce is not easy. Until it is finalized, there will be a lot of ongoing stress. On the positive side--your life will return to normal and you will be able to pursue your dreams and agenda more easily when it is all behind you.

It sounds like your family does not have the capacity to give you the support you need. I do not think you are a "shallow idiot" but I do think you obssess too much about what happened. If they are hateful, continue too walk away; however, in relationships it can be unhealthy to keep bringing up the same things from the past over and over. I know because there are a few things I predictably bring up with my husband when we are fighting. It never helps resolve anything when we bring up the past because we can't change it. Instead we have to deal with how people are treating us right now.

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm so sorry you're hurting so much, TishaBuy The fact that they see you this way doesn't mean that you're actually who they think you are. You're not a bad person. It's clear that you're trying your best to make peace with them. I agree with what all the others have already wisely said better than I ever could. If you don't feel like they truly want things to get better, then I'd suggest not to contact them anymore. If they upset you that much, perhaps it just isn't worth it after a while. Both sides have to work together if they want things to get better. I don't feel like they're trying too much. If you still want to rebuild a relationship with them, try to make the first step. Don't obsess yourself over those apologies or similar episodes. These are things that may come later. You have to decide whether or not you want to pursue a relationship with them or not. You have to decide if it's worth it. It's ok if you think it isn't. You don't have any obligation to contact them. I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. I'm so sorry you're not getting any support. You dont' deserve to suffer like this. Remember that we're here for you if you need it. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this

[divine1966]

I am sorry. It’s painful.

You can’t make other people to apologize though or do anything else for that matter. If apology is important to you but you can’t make them to, you might have to estrange yourself from them completely. Or you can try to mend it without apology. Or they might eventually apologize but maybe it won’t even be sincere (your mom knows now that you want them to apologize so she might ask them to do that).

Apologies aren’t always sincere. It’s all words. My brother once apologized to my dad for something he wasn’t even guilty of, he did it because mom asked him as to keep peace. Apology meant nothing as my brother did it for our mom. Your sisters might apology to you to keep mom at peace not as much feeling bad offending you.

I am sorry about your divorce. I knew you weee divorcing but I thought you two were back together. It must be hard

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by unaluna

Seriously, what is the point of an apology? Isnt it just forcing the other person to admit that you were right and they were wrong? It doesnt sound like you want to kiss and make up, or shake hands, or that you are BOTH sorry there was a misunderstanding. It sounds like you are holding the relationshi hostage unless and until the other person apologizes.

I dont mean so much THIS SITUATION in particular, but an apology situation like this in general. I dont see the two sides smoking a peace pipe together, KWIM? One is making the other cry uncle. Its not friendly. Its not win-win. Is that even possible?

The point of an apology is to show one loves the other and is sorry for hurting them. It opens the door for a relationship to heal.

Of course, I know coercing an apology out of my sister is pointless. If it has to be coerced, it means she DOES NOT feel remorse for her actions at all.

And I am so hurt by her actions and her attitude that our relationship is over.

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by sarahsweets

I would decide if having a relationship at all is worth it. If it is, there is nothing wrong with taking the first step to open the door for you, your sisters' and your mom.

What is it I possibly have to say to open the door to a relationship with my sisters who treated me like this? I have not called either of them for months either.

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by Nowinners

Tisha, I am sorry you don't have more support while you are going through your divorce. Of course the stress you are going through makes it harder to humor your mom.

My H talks to his mom every single evening (NOT suggesting you do this since you mom is upsetting). He puts her on his speaker phone and I talk to her too. We don't tell her about most of what is going on with our son. When she has learned about some of it--it makes her cry, etc. I do the same thing for my dad--I tell my brother and sister more than I tell my father about the situation. Why? I have noticed that at their advanced ages they can't handle stressful/sad news well. When people reach their 80s, as your mom has, I feel like they deserve some peace and that too much stress could push them into depression, etc. Your mom probably is worried about you in her own way.

Since your phone calls with your family are not supportive and you are still hurting from what happened--I would just leave things as they are (don't call). I am sorry you have no one from you FOO to confide in.

I am glad you are getting some support from your synagogue. Have you ever considered finding a divorcee support group? My therapist told me she hosts weekly meetings for people who are recently divorced or going through a divorce. You have said you have a friend who is supportive. When my sister was divorced--she found it to be a lifesaver that one of her friends had previously gone through a divorce. I do know that going through a divorce is not easy. Until it is finalized, there will be a lot of ongoing stress. On the positive side--your life will return to normal and you will be able to pursue your dreams and agenda more easily when it is all behind you.

It sounds like your family does not have the capacity to give you the support you need. I do not think you are a "shallow idiot" but I do think you obssess too much about what happened. If they are hateful, continue too walk away; however, in relationships it can be unhealthy to keep bringing up the same things from the past over and over. I know because there are a few things I predictably bring up with my husband when we are fighting. It never helps resolve anything when we bring up the past because we can't change it. Instead we have to deal with how people are treating us right now.

I would love to have the healthy dynamic with a mother like you described. I’m not sure any of you grasp what goes on here.

Bringing up things from the past— This isn’t a thing from the past. It was a rift that happened months ago and no one has spoken since. It’s in the past because time has moved on. But it’s certainly not ‘in the past’. If something is ‘in the past’ it means that thing was acceptable enough for you to continue on with the relationship, still kinda sore about something,but willing to acept it.

[Ohseedee]

I have been on and off Psychcentral for quite some time. This rough relationship dynamic, whether between yourself and family, or yourself and husband, seems to be a common pattern. I am not blaming you by any means, but it seems like you try to keep relationships going that are very much not working.

I know this sounds very simplified, but have you considered doing a pros/cons list? Something like "Pros/Cons of trying to maintain these relationships". I find if I'm struggling with a tough decision, these types of lists can help.

I know this is a one-sided account of things, but from what you have described, your mother and sisters do not strike me as individuals that I would want to have relationships with.

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

I would love to have the healthy dynamic with a mother like you described. I’m not sure any of you grasp what goes on here.

Bringing up things from the past— This isn’t a thing from the past. It was a rift that happened months ago and no one has spoken since. It’s in the past because time has moved on. But it’s certainly not ‘in the past’. If something is ‘in the past’ it means that thing was acceptable enough for you to continue on with the relationship, still kinda sore about something,but willing to acept it.

Yes, I know your mother is very troubled and I agree that I probably don't really fully understand how much it has and still traumatizes you. Yes, we are lucky to have the kind of relationships we have with our parents.

I know that the fallout was never resolved--that you were gaslighted makes it harder. I also think that we dwell on these things more when we are under stress. That you need support right now while going through a divorce probably makes you think about it even more.

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky

I'm so sorry you're hurting so much, TishaBuy The fact that they see you this way doesn't mean that you're actually who they think you are. You're not a bad person. It's clear that you're trying your best to make peace with them. I agree with what all the others have already wisely said better than I ever could. If you don't feel like they truly want things to get better, then I'd suggest not to contact them anymore. If they upset you that much, perhaps it just isn't worth it after a while. Both sides have to work together if they want things to get better. I don't feel like they're trying too much. If you still want to rebuild a relationship with them, try to make the first step. Don't obsess yourself over those apologies or similar episodes. These are things that may come later. You have to decide whether or not you want to pursue a relationship with them or not. You have to decide if it's worth it. It's ok if you think it isn't. You don't have any obligation to contact them. I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. I'm so sorry you're not getting any support. You dont' deserve to suffer like this. Remember that we're here for you if you need it. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this

There’s really no first step for me to make. What would that look like? Would I call them and act like nothing happened? Would I act like their attitude toward me is acceptable?

Although this sounds like faulty thinking, I believe my mother is only now ‘trying to make peace’ between me and my sisters to serve her own desires, which is to Hoover us all back in to her Game of Phones, so she can continue that shyt.

Had she truly cared about making peace, she would have acted that way on day one of this incident, like I tried to ask of her. But instead her response was that she refused to discuss anything about it with me and to just drop it. Then she never called me again. Then when I reached out to them a month later, Mom had decided that I had told her a vile comment that I never said. She stuck to that and never relented, no matter how I tried to defend myself. She wouldn’t even hear it. Her abusiveness is what caused my step dad to act the way he did. Her abusiveness is what caused ‘rude’ sister to act the way she did, too. ‘Rude’ sister acted callously toward me because she didn’t want to tangle with sweet, dear ol’ Mom.

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by Ohseedee

I have been on and off Psychcentral for quite some time. This rough relationship dynamic, whether between yourself and family, or yourself and husband, seems to be a common pattern. I am not blaming you by any means, but it seems like you try to keep relationships going that are very much not working.

I know this sounds very simplified, but have you considered doing a pros/cons list? Something like "Pros/Cons of trying to maintain these relationships". I find if I'm struggling with a tough decision, these types of lists can help.

I know this is a one-sided account of things, but from what you have described, your mother and sisters do not strike me as individuals that I would want to have relationships with.

Yes, there were three main relationships I’ve had with ‘difficult’ people when I was so desperate I found this place. It was an incident with Mom over yet another ruined holiday when I first began posting. The other problematic relationship was husband. Then there was this toxic friend who was not so bad, I thought would be manageable.

I had no idea I’d lose my two sisters and step dad. I thought those relationships were healthy.

No, you don’t see me have problems with many other people on here. In all the time I’m here, I only rant about this stuff. I would like them to put on my tomb stone, “It wasn’t JUST ME!”

[Ohseedee]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

Yes, there were three main relationships I’ve had with ‘difficult’ people when I was so desperate I found this place. It was an incident with Mom over yet another ruined holiday when I first began posting. The other problematic relationship was husband. Then there was this toxic friend who was not so bad, I thought would be manageable.

I had no idea I’d lose my two sisters and step dad. I thought those relationships were healthy.

No, you don’t see me have problems with many other people on here. In all the time I’m here, I only rant about this stuff. I would like them to put on my tomb stone, “It wasn’t JUST ME!”

It sucks that a fight between two people can also create rocky relationships with others. :/ I have been in this situation as well, it's never fun when people feel like they have to "take sides".

Your mother sounds like she is quite a toxic individual and really wants to keep her grasp on your step-dad and sisters. If I'm understanding correctly, this seems like a lose-lose situation. You could either end your relationship with your toxic mother, but also potentially lose your step-dad and sisters in the process. Or make amends and still have to be in a relationship with the toxic mother. I really feel for you.

And just to clarify, I don't see you having issues with people on the site here. Just with family stuff, which I am sure most of us can relate to at some point. I hope you are able to come to a decision that brings you the most peace.

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by divine1966

I am sorry. It’s painful.

You can’t make other people to apologize though or do anything else for that matter. If apology is important to you but you can’t make them to, you might have to estrange yourself from them completely. Or you can try to mend it without apology. Or they might eventually apologize but maybe it won’t even be sincere (your mom knows now that you want them to apologize so she might ask them to do that).

Apologies aren’t always sincere. It’s all words. My brother once apologized to my dad for something he wasn’t even guilty of, he did it because mom asked him as to keep peace. Apology meant nothing as my brother did it for our mom. Your sisters might apology to you to keep mom at peace not as much feeling bad offending you.

I am sorry about your divorce. I knew you weee divorcing but I thought you two were back together. It must be hard

I took him back and called off the divorce when his father died, feeling like we are family, how can I abandon him, maybe we can work this out. But he did not treat me any better, in fact it only got worse.

I don’t even want to go into what he did and trash anyone else any more on here. Ive done enough damage. But I assure you, he showed me he does not really love me, he did not treat me with love to have done what he did.

Again yesterday I said to my mom how I was so shocked how I thought I had a loving family, but was treated so unlovingly. She said, ‘We love you’ I said, ‘Your mouths can say “I love you”, but your actions are what matter.

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by Ohseedee

It sucks that a fight between two people can also create rocky relationships with others. :/ I have been in this situation as well, it's never fun when people feel like they have to "take sides".

Your mother sounds like she is quite a toxic individual and really wants to keep her grasp on your step-dad and sisters. If I'm understanding correctly, this seems like a lose-lose situation. You could either end your relationship with your toxic mother, but also potentially lose your step-dad and sisters in the process. Or make amends and still have to be in a relationship with the toxic mother. I really feel for you.

And just to clarify, I don't see you having issues with people on the site here. Just with family stuff, which I am sure most of us can relate to at some point. I hope you are able to come to a decision that brings you the most peace.

Yes, you see this completely for what it is. A lose-lose situation.

[TishaBuv]

Somebody mentioned here how they see how far reaching this went to so many people.

Yes, there’s even been contact from my cousin. She sent a group email to me and my sisters over something our mom said that got to her through her mom. It was awful. I responded by telling her that it sounds like someone’s been ‘talking some shyt’ and assured her I have nothing but the best thoughts and regard for her. Then silence from that side of the country... Finally, she sends back some nice cousin-like email with photos of the kids. I called her and told her there was a rift in my family, I now only speak to Mom when I call there weekly and haven’t spoken to my sisters in months. We had a nice catch up and I said I would like to remain family with her, thanked her for reaching out, and vowed to keep in touch.

[TishaBuv]

I’ll have to just not let her retraumtize me with this anymore. Nobody is going to call and make peace with anybody here. If she brings it up again, I’ll just get off the phone. Something’s burning in the oven!

But she even criticized how I call her weekly. She said her heart breaks when I say I’m just checking in on how she’s doing. So now I don’t even want to call at all. Not sure what to do.

She had said her and step dad were driving up to my house today to ‘help me’ once I told her about my situation with my health. I told her she is welcome to come visit, but there really isn’t anything she’ll be able to do to ‘help’. I doubt she’ll follow up on driving here today anyway.

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

But she even criticized how I call her weekly. She said her heart breaks when I say I’m just checking in on how she’s doing. So now I don’t even want to call at all. Not sure what to do.

Did she explain "What breaks her heart?" (that you call because of obligation not love, that you didn't meet her expectations because you didn't make up with your sisters?) It's faulty thinking that she can get you to make up with your sisters. That she is trying, for whatever reason, only causes distress and makes it worse.

I'm not saying to never call but with all you are dealing with, I vote that you call even less often than once a week. Keep in mind that the toxic things she does only serves to make her more lonely (but you have to take care of yourself first--you can't fix her). FB posts to the world are not the same as true relationships. I am sorry your relationship with your mom is so traumatizing.