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Old 03-16-2019, 04:01 PM   #11
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Default Re: Angst, anxiety, fear of what's to come..

Congrats on your sobriety!!!!
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Old 03-16-2019, 08:41 PM   #12
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Default Re: Angst, anxiety, fear of what's to come..

I hope you have a bank account of your own that isn't joint with him. If not, get one. That's where your paycheck will need to be deposited. Do not give him any access to it. People don't use checks much these days, but you'll get a debit card with a checking account. You need that. Then don't leave it lying around. Keep your PIN top secret. He may object to anything being strictly yours, but you've got to take a stand. What I've just described is a basic place to start. Every woman needs a bank account in her own name that she totally controls . . . unless you're in some kind of June and Ward Cleaver marriage. Even then, I recommend it. When he asks how much you have in your account, always lie. "But isn't honesty best in a relationship?" No it's not. Not when you're with a guy like you're with.

If he's in the habit of paying some basic household bills, good - let him stay in that habit. You can bet that when he knows you've gotten paid, he's going to have reasons why he needs you to pay for this, that and the other thing. He will just naturally expect that you working means he can expand his beer budget. Don't get suckered. Don't loan him money. It would literally be better to flush cash down the toilet.

This guy's a user. His moms enabled that. Now you've inherited what she created. I won't tell you to leave him. I don't think you can right now. But make a space for yourself. Own something that's yours.

We humans are not designed to be alone. But you can start to untangle yourself from him. Even as part of a "couple," you have to have some boundaries. You don't get them by saying, "Listen Dude; these are my boundaries, and I want you to respect them." Don't waste your breath. The person who has to respect your boundaries is YOU. Assume he won't. Because . . . he won't. (He respects his own though.) So you guard your boundaries, which will be hard . . . till you get in the habit of it.

It doesn't take hard liquor to make a problem drinker. I lived for 7 years with a problem drinker who stuck largely to beer, pretty exclusively. I only left when he started taking my car to bars. Once I left, I was happier. But it took a long time for me to make that decision. We are still a couple. He stopped drinking 3 years after I left.

I'm glad you got your own problem drinking under control. Now you have a job. Things can get better and better for you, if you think in terms of not letting this guy sucker you. You're probably a giver. That's why he's with you. If you were like him, he would dump you. But get out of the "giving" habit. Let him deal with the challenges his bad habits create for him. Don't always be the solution to his latest problem.

Good luck on the new job. If he wakes you up, when you need to sleep, you'll have to give him a consequence. Is there a friend or relative you could stay with briefly, if you need to get away from him? Are there kids involved? When someone's drunk, they don't care much about who needs sleep.

I hope you have some success on some small ways of controlling what's rightly yours - like your paycheck, your sleeping space, etc. Little successes lead to bigger ones. Good luck.
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Old 03-17-2019, 03:31 AM   #13
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Default Re: Angst, anxiety, fear of what's to come..

Wal-Mart pays on a pay card. A debit card. He has his and I'll have mine. I'll have my pin something he won't know. And my cash will NOT be going to beer. He can pawn his ***** if he thinks he needs more..
Either way I can't wait to start earning and paying my way. Getting things, paying debts. Doing what I need to do!! It's liberating really.
Im not crazy, my reality is just different than yours.
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Old 03-20-2019, 10:24 AM   #14
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Default Re: Angst, anxiety, fear of what's to come..

Originally Posted by Calypso2632 View Post
Maybe this is the right spot.. it is primarily about my relationship with notes of other things.. maybe my brain trying to make a bigger mess than necessary..
So my boyfriend drinks beer, a lot of beer, every day after work and on his days off. Most of the time it's tolerable but sometimes he gets stupid drunk.. it used to be way worse, verbaly/mentaly/emotianally abusive kinda.. but we have worked through the awfulness I think and he's pretty much toned it down.
The thing is I go into Wal-Mart to accept a job offer on Monday and I'm pretty certain my hours are gonna be 4am to 1pm. I think full time. My boyfriend is open availability so his shifts are all over.. anyway if my hours are what I said I'm gonna have to be in bed at like 6-7 in the evening to get up at 2am to have coffee and get ready for work.
I'm worried he's going to keep me up with his drinking and whatever and I'm not going to get the rest I need. Ugh
Forgive me all of this is totally unfounded. It's my worried brain like I said.. but my hunches are usually pretty good..
I'm also worried I'm gonna get stuck paying for a majority of everything.. and that feels like a huge disappointment. I haven't had any spending money in ages. And he's been buying himself what have you.. while acting put out about my Pepsi habit.
I guess I'm just afraid of what kind of an unfair ***** storm this could turn into. He's already voiced some dissatisfaction that I want a real cell plan cause I want a nice phone not a crap Wal-Mart phone.. I've been using a flip phone for years while he's had a smartphone. And his mom's been footing the bill till recently.. mine is a government phone and I'm sorry but if I'm working full time I can afford to upgrade with a decent phone on a payment plan.. I dunno. Maybe it's just difference in opinions. He thinks cheap works just as well. I say you get what you pay for.. I just don't want to have to fight over MY paycheck. I haven't been telling him how to spend his.. yeah I complain about the beer, but it's cause it's an issue, and he keeps saying he wants to be done with it. Ugh!!

your concerns aren't entirely unfounded. here's what I see:

1. your bf drinks, it seems, excessively and though not recently, can get very drunk some nights. So with that in mind and that you have to be sleeping by early evening, it's a valid concern and not baseless. You know how he gets when he gets drunk, so you know how loud or disruptive he can be. It's something to address for sure.

2. Being stuck paying for everything: He has a job and is perfectly fine with his own spending on self but is cheap when it comes to you. I'm sorry but I'm going to be blunt here. That is not how a good partner in a relationship is. A loving partner will ideally think of the other person in the relationship in every way possible including spending. Obviously that's the ideal but not many are perfect in this way but he is 100% polar opposite of that. the fact that he has a problem with your pepsi habit kind of speaks volumes even though you haven't elaborated. A caring partner's goal is to care for their spouse, partner, etc.

3. Phone issue: this to me further solidifies the idea that he's not very caring in regards to you. That he says "a flip phone" is good enough with regards to your use and needs, but carries a smart phone shows he's completely selfish and on top of that a hypocrite.

I see many reasons for your concerns and in fact I'm not even sure this is a good relationship to remain in. AS it is, he was fine and somewhat acceptable while you depend on him and he is not in competition with your having your own means and finances, but I honestly foresee this changing with you working a full time job. Even if you only make the same as him, I can see it changing because he won't have you under his thumb and control. if you make more that's going to make things even worse imo. He is likely a controlling and dominating person that's only subdued right now because he actually does have control of you due to the situation you have been in. But your independence is going to jeopardize that, most likely.

I may and hope to God I am wrong on all accounts but this is how I see things as you've described.
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