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Default Mar 15, 2019 at 11:56 PM
  #1
Maybe this is the right spot.. it is primarily about my relationship with notes of other things.. maybe my brain trying to make a bigger mess than necessary..
So my boyfriend drinks beer, a lot of beer, every day after work and on his days off. Most of the time it's tolerable but sometimes he gets stupid drunk.. it used to be way worse, verbaly/mentaly/emotianally abusive kinda.. but we have worked through the awfulness I think and he's pretty much toned it down.
The thing is I go into Wal-Mart to accept a job offer on Monday and I'm pretty certain my hours are gonna be 4am to 1pm. I think full time. My boyfriend is open availability so his shifts are all over.. anyway if my hours are what I said I'm gonna have to be in bed at like 6-7 in the evening to get up at 2am to have coffee and get ready for work.
I'm worried he's going to keep me up with his drinking and whatever and I'm not going to get the rest I need. Ugh
Forgive me all of this is totally unfounded. It's my worried brain like I said.. but my hunches are usually pretty good..
I'm also worried I'm gonna get stuck paying for a majority of everything.. and that feels like a huge disappointment. I haven't had any spending money in ages. And he's been buying himself what have you.. while acting put out about my Pepsi habit.
I guess I'm just afraid of what kind of an unfair ***** storm this could turn into. He's already voiced some dissatisfaction that I want a real cell plan cause I want a nice phone not a crap Wal-Mart phone.. I've been using a flip phone for years while he's had a smartphone. And his mom's been footing the bill till recently.. mine is a government phone and I'm sorry but if I'm working full time I can afford to upgrade with a decent phone on a payment plan.. I dunno. Maybe it's just difference in opinions. He thinks cheap works just as well. I say you get what you pay for.. I just don't want to have to fight over MY paycheck. I haven't been telling him how to spend his.. yeah I complain about the beer, but it's cause it's an issue, and he keeps saying he wants to be done with it. Ugh!!

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Default Mar 16, 2019 at 12:30 AM
  #2
Sorry you're having these worries Calypso I think you are understandably concerned.

Does your bf have a job...are you saying that he earns less than you will with your new job?

Here's what I recommend...grab a piece of paper...make a list of everything you need or want in life...everything...big or small...present and future. Now step back and look at your list. Does being in the relationship with your boyfriend mostly mesh with your life list?

A relationship should enhance or enrich one's life in some way. Based on what you've said, it sounds like perhaps this relationship is making your life more challenging in several ways. Zero judgment here. if I misunderstood, I apologize.

You deserve a very happy life with a loving relationship and to buy whatever phone plan pleases you
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Default Mar 16, 2019 at 03:11 AM
  #3
Forgive me I had rotator cuff surgery so I'm using my voice. The thing is your boyfriend sounds like he has an alcohol problem do you think that's accurate? I think it's only fair that you discuss that. I don't know why he would complain about your Pepsi but not want you to have a better phone plan. It is your money and you have a right to spend it as you will. As long as you are both contributing to the household I don't really see what the issue could be. It sounds like he's very unreasonable. Are you happy with things that way? Are you happy with him telling you how to spend your money or has he not said anything yet? Has he made plans to spend your money like he assumes that will be his job to manage it?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Calypso2632 View Post
Maybe this is the right spot.. it is primarily about my relationship with notes of other things.. maybe my brain trying to make a bigger mess than necessary..
So my boyfriend drinks beer, a lot of beer, every day after work and on his days off. Most of the time it's tolerable but sometimes he gets stupid drunk.. it used to be way worse, verbaly/mentaly/emotianally abusive kinda.. but we have worked through the awfulness I think and he's pretty much toned it down.
The thing is I go into Wal-Mart to accept a job offer on Monday and I'm pretty certain my hours are gonna be 4am to 1pm. I think full time. My boyfriend is open availability so his shifts are all over.. anyway if my hours are what I said I'm gonna have to be in bed at like 6-7 in the evening to get up at 2am to have coffee and get ready for work.
I'm worried he's going to keep me up with his drinking and whatever and I'm not going to get the rest I need. Ugh
Forgive me all of this is totally unfounded. It's my worried brain like I said.. but my hunches are usually pretty good..
I'm also worried I'm gonna get stuck paying for a majority of everything.. and that feels like a huge disappointment. I haven't had any spending money in ages. And he's been buying himself what have you.. while acting put out about my Pepsi habit.
I guess I'm just afraid of what kind of an unfair ***** storm this could turn into. He's already voiced some dissatisfaction that I want a real cell plan cause I want a nice phone not a crap Wal-Mart phone.. I've been using a flip phone for years while he's had a smartphone. And his mom's been footing the bill till recently.. mine is a government phone and I'm sorry but if I'm working full time I can afford to upgrade with a decent phone on a payment plan.. I dunno. Maybe it's just difference in opinions. He thinks cheap works just as well. I say you get what you pay for.. I just don't want to have to fight over MY paycheck. I haven't been telling him how to spend his.. yeah I complain about the beer, but it's cause it's an issue, and he keeps saying he wants to be done with it. Ugh!!

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Default Mar 16, 2019 at 06:51 AM
  #4
I don't think a major change in your schedule is an unfounded worry. I think that it's wise to consider how it will affect you and those around you. I had a major change about a year and a half ago and it really did change things. It changed my time and my energy despite bringing in a significant shift in income.
If a change in phone is your gift to yourself for making a milestone change, then so be it. He's lucky that you are even voicing your goals to him.
If he cannot be on board and supportive, I don't know what advise to give. Perhaps cross that path when it happens?
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Default Mar 16, 2019 at 07:05 AM
  #5
You’ll need your sleep. So yes keeping you up with his drinking will ruin that.

Can you manage without him such as living somewhere else and maybe with roommates or family members? My daughter lives with two roommates. It’s much much cheaper that way. And for sure it’s much more peaceful than living with someone who drinks every night and controls your money.
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Default Mar 16, 2019 at 07:49 AM
  #6
What you have shared is that you live your life around your husband and his drinking. It's ALL about him.

YES! Get this job and choose to do things for YOURSELF. Instead of saying "will he let me get this phone?", say "I am going to get myself a new phone". Instead of saying "will he let me get the sleep I need?" choose to say, "I am going to make sure I get the sleep I need!". If he gets drunk and wakes you up if you sleep in the same bed? Set up a place you can sleep by yourself so he can't disturb you. You don't set up any boundaries with him.
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Default Mar 16, 2019 at 08:00 AM
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What you have shared is that you live your life around your husband and his drinking. It's ALL about him.

YES! Get this job and choose to do things for YOURSELF. Instead of saying "will he let me get this phone?", say "I am going to get myself a new phone". Instead of saying "will he let me get the sleep I need?" choose to say, "I am going to make sure I get the sleep I need!". If he gets drunk and wakes you up if you sleep in the same bed? Set up a place you can sleep by yourself so he can't disturb you. You don't set up any boundaries with him.
I like this advise. I want to add, when you start setting new boundaries, he may at first be upset but if he stays upset and does not show he is willing to be considerate then he is not loving you the way you deserve. When we set boundaries, it reveals what people really are. When we don't, some of what we think of others may be exaggerated because of our own personal fears. Express to him how you truly feel and decide what you deserve and stick to it. If he does not honor it or talk it out (you both come to a compromise or at least respect the others autonomy) then you don't want to be in this relationship. Also, sometimes the genuine threat that you will leave makes people change because they realize that you will not stay if they don't respect you more.....
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Default Mar 16, 2019 at 08:01 AM
  #8
Just had to add that if you aren’t married your finances are likely separate and it’s not his business what kind of phones you get. I don’t see how it’s his business in any shape or form. As long as rent and utilities are paid, hopefully shared, everything else is your own money and your decision
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Default Mar 16, 2019 at 09:27 AM
  #9
I'm so sorry you're going through all of this, Calypso2632 I don't have much to add to what the others have already wisely said better than I ever could. I'll try not to repeat it too much. You have every right to spedn the momeny the way you want, as long as you contribute to the basic necessities like food or rent, and of course your boyfriend has to contribute to it too if he has an income. If you want to get a new phone plan, you have every right to do it! He has no right to judge you for that. He should also be respectful of your schedule and your sleep and avoid drinking and keeping you up at night. Mutual respect is fundamental in every relationship. I'd suggest to talk to your boyfriend about all of these things and see how it goes from there. Try to explain to him how much all of this is important to you. Hopefully he'll listen to you and understand you. If he doesn't, or he doesn't respect your boundaries, then I'm sorry to say it, but I think you need to seriously reconsider the relationship you have with him. I hope you'll be able to talk things through with him. Please don't give up. You deserve to live a good life and most importantly, you deserve to live the way you want to! Try to hang on. Remember that we're here for you if you need it. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this. You're a strong, wonderful person and you deserve to be happy just like everyone else does
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Default Mar 16, 2019 at 02:54 PM
  #10
I have talked to him a bit about needing the sleep and expressed my worry about quiet time. He seems to understand. The phone and better quality supplies thing he doesn't cause he's cheap, primarily because he is an alcoholic and has to budget for beer constantly. Yes this is a problem, but he does pay the bills that need paying first. He just doesn't value good things cause the alcohol comes first. Which I get cause I was there not so long ago. I'm currently 5 months sober..
I've been a while no income, and he is currently about 3 months into this job. We are both getting back on our feet and putting things back in order and paying off some debts.
We see things from different places I guess. As long as I'm paying what I need to, buying groceries, and things needed for the house I'm going to get what I please. Lol. He has been, regardless of what I have said really. So I guess my paycheck is mine to do with how I see fit since his has been. Ugh. Sometimes I hate money matters.
Thanks everyone for the input!!

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Default Mar 16, 2019 at 04:01 PM
  #11
Congrats on your sobriety!!!!
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Default Mar 16, 2019 at 08:41 PM
  #12
I hope you have a bank account of your own that isn't joint with him. If not, get one. That's where your paycheck will need to be deposited. Do not give him any access to it. People don't use checks much these days, but you'll get a debit card with a checking account. You need that. Then don't leave it lying around. Keep your PIN top secret. He may object to anything being strictly yours, but you've got to take a stand. What I've just described is a basic place to start. Every woman needs a bank account in her own name that she totally controls . . . unless you're in some kind of June and Ward Cleaver marriage. Even then, I recommend it. When he asks how much you have in your account, always lie. "But isn't honesty best in a relationship?" No it's not. Not when you're with a guy like you're with.

If he's in the habit of paying some basic household bills, good - let him stay in that habit. You can bet that when he knows you've gotten paid, he's going to have reasons why he needs you to pay for this, that and the other thing. He will just naturally expect that you working means he can expand his beer budget. Don't get suckered. Don't loan him money. It would literally be better to flush cash down the toilet.

This guy's a user. His moms enabled that. Now you've inherited what she created. I won't tell you to leave him. I don't think you can right now. But make a space for yourself. Own something that's yours.

We humans are not designed to be alone. But you can start to untangle yourself from him. Even as part of a "couple," you have to have some boundaries. You don't get them by saying, "Listen Dude; these are my boundaries, and I want you to respect them." Don't waste your breath. The person who has to respect your boundaries is YOU. Assume he won't. Because . . . he won't. (He respects his own though.) So you guard your boundaries, which will be hard . . . till you get in the habit of it.

It doesn't take hard liquor to make a problem drinker. I lived for 7 years with a problem drinker who stuck largely to beer, pretty exclusively. I only left when he started taking my car to bars. Once I left, I was happier. But it took a long time for me to make that decision. We are still a couple. He stopped drinking 3 years after I left.

I'm glad you got your own problem drinking under control. Now you have a job. Things can get better and better for you, if you think in terms of not letting this guy sucker you. You're probably a giver. That's why he's with you. If you were like him, he would dump you. But get out of the "giving" habit. Let him deal with the challenges his bad habits create for him. Don't always be the solution to his latest problem.

Good luck on the new job. If he wakes you up, when you need to sleep, you'll have to give him a consequence. Is there a friend or relative you could stay with briefly, if you need to get away from him? Are there kids involved? When someone's drunk, they don't care much about who needs sleep.

I hope you have some success on some small ways of controlling what's rightly yours - like your paycheck, your sleeping space, etc. Little successes lead to bigger ones. Good luck.
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Default Mar 17, 2019 at 03:31 AM
  #13
Wal-Mart pays on a pay card. A debit card. He has his and I'll have mine. I'll have my pin something he won't know. And my cash will NOT be going to beer. He can pawn his ***** if he thinks he needs more..
Either way I can't wait to start earning and paying my way. Getting things, paying debts. Doing what I need to do!! It's liberating really.

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Default Mar 20, 2019 at 10:24 AM
  #14
Quote:
Originally Posted by Calypso2632 View Post
Maybe this is the right spot.. it is primarily about my relationship with notes of other things.. maybe my brain trying to make a bigger mess than necessary..
So my boyfriend drinks beer, a lot of beer, every day after work and on his days off. Most of the time it's tolerable but sometimes he gets stupid drunk.. it used to be way worse, verbaly/mentaly/emotianally abusive kinda.. but we have worked through the awfulness I think and he's pretty much toned it down.
The thing is I go into Wal-Mart to accept a job offer on Monday and I'm pretty certain my hours are gonna be 4am to 1pm. I think full time. My boyfriend is open availability so his shifts are all over.. anyway if my hours are what I said I'm gonna have to be in bed at like 6-7 in the evening to get up at 2am to have coffee and get ready for work.
I'm worried he's going to keep me up with his drinking and whatever and I'm not going to get the rest I need. Ugh
Forgive me all of this is totally unfounded. It's my worried brain like I said.. but my hunches are usually pretty good..
I'm also worried I'm gonna get stuck paying for a majority of everything.. and that feels like a huge disappointment. I haven't had any spending money in ages. And he's been buying himself what have you.. while acting put out about my Pepsi habit.
I guess I'm just afraid of what kind of an unfair ***** storm this could turn into. He's already voiced some dissatisfaction that I want a real cell plan cause I want a nice phone not a crap Wal-Mart phone.. I've been using a flip phone for years while he's had a smartphone. And his mom's been footing the bill till recently.. mine is a government phone and I'm sorry but if I'm working full time I can afford to upgrade with a decent phone on a payment plan.. I dunno. Maybe it's just difference in opinions. He thinks cheap works just as well. I say you get what you pay for.. I just don't want to have to fight over MY paycheck. I haven't been telling him how to spend his.. yeah I complain about the beer, but it's cause it's an issue, and he keeps saying he wants to be done with it. Ugh!!

your concerns aren't entirely unfounded. here's what I see:

1. your bf drinks, it seems, excessively and though not recently, can get very drunk some nights. So with that in mind and that you have to be sleeping by early evening, it's a valid concern and not baseless. You know how he gets when he gets drunk, so you know how loud or disruptive he can be. It's something to address for sure.

2. Being stuck paying for everything: He has a job and is perfectly fine with his own spending on self but is cheap when it comes to you. I'm sorry but I'm going to be blunt here. That is not how a good partner in a relationship is. A loving partner will ideally think of the other person in the relationship in every way possible including spending. Obviously that's the ideal but not many are perfect in this way but he is 100% polar opposite of that. the fact that he has a problem with your pepsi habit kind of speaks volumes even though you haven't elaborated. A caring partner's goal is to care for their spouse, partner, etc.

3. Phone issue: this to me further solidifies the idea that he's not very caring in regards to you. That he says "a flip phone" is good enough with regards to your use and needs, but carries a smart phone shows he's completely selfish and on top of that a hypocrite.

I see many reasons for your concerns and in fact I'm not even sure this is a good relationship to remain in. AS it is, he was fine and somewhat acceptable while you depend on him and he is not in competition with your having your own means and finances, but I honestly foresee this changing with you working a full time job. Even if you only make the same as him, I can see it changing because he won't have you under his thumb and control. if you make more that's going to make things even worse imo. He is likely a controlling and dominating person that's only subdued right now because he actually does have control of you due to the situation you have been in. But your independence is going to jeopardize that, most likely.

I may and hope to God I am wrong on all accounts but this is how I see things as you've described.
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