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Old 03-15-2019, 11:56 PM #1
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Default Angst, anxiety, fear of what's to come..

Maybe this is the right spot.. it is primarily about my relationship with notes of other things.. maybe my brain trying to make a bigger mess than necessary..
So my boyfriend drinks beer, a lot of beer, every day after work and on his days off. Most of the time it's tolerable but sometimes he gets stupid drunk.. it used to be way worse, verbaly/mentaly/emotianally abusive kinda.. but we have worked through the awfulness I think and he's pretty much toned it down.
The thing is I go into Wal-Mart to accept a job offer on Monday and I'm pretty certain my hours are gonna be 4am to 1pm. I think full time. My boyfriend is open availability so his shifts are all over.. anyway if my hours are what I said I'm gonna have to be in bed at like 6-7 in the evening to get up at 2am to have coffee and get ready for work.
I'm worried he's going to keep me up with his drinking and whatever and I'm not going to get the rest I need. Ugh
Forgive me all of this is totally unfounded. It's my worried brain like I said.. but my hunches are usually pretty good..
I'm also worried I'm gonna get stuck paying for a majority of everything.. and that feels like a huge disappointment. I haven't had any spending money in ages. And he's been buying himself what have you.. while acting put out about my Pepsi habit.
I guess I'm just afraid of what kind of an unfair ***** storm this could turn into. He's already voiced some dissatisfaction that I want a real cell plan cause I want a nice phone not a crap Wal-Mart phone.. I've been using a flip phone for years while he's had a smartphone. And his mom's been footing the bill till recently.. mine is a government phone and I'm sorry but if I'm working full time I can afford to upgrade with a decent phone on a payment plan.. I dunno. Maybe it's just difference in opinions. He thinks cheap works just as well. I say you get what you pay for.. I just don't want to have to fight over MY paycheck. I haven't been telling him how to spend his.. yeah I complain about the beer, but it's cause it's an issue, and he keeps saying he wants to be done with it. Ugh!!
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Old 03-16-2019, 12:30 AM #2
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Default Re: Angst, anxiety, fear of what's to come..

Sorry you're having these worries Calypso I think you are understandably concerned.

Does your bf have a job...are you saying that he earns less than you will with your new job?

Here's what I recommend...grab a piece of paper...make a list of everything you need or want in life...everything...big or small...present and future. Now step back and look at your list. Does being in the relationship with your boyfriend mostly mesh with your life list?

A relationship should enhance or enrich one's life in some way. Based on what you've said, it sounds like perhaps this relationship is making your life more challenging in several ways. Zero judgment here. if I misunderstood, I apologize.

You deserve a very happy life with a loving relationship and to buy whatever phone plan pleases you
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Old 03-16-2019, 03:11 AM #3
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Default Re: Angst, anxiety, fear of what's to come..

Forgive me I had rotator cuff surgery so I'm using my voice. The thing is your boyfriend sounds like he has an alcohol problem do you think that's accurate? I think it's only fair that you discuss that. I don't know why he would complain about your Pepsi but not want you to have a better phone plan. It is your money and you have a right to spend it as you will. As long as you are both contributing to the household I don't really see what the issue could be. It sounds like he's very unreasonable. Are you happy with things that way? Are you happy with him telling you how to spend your money or has he not said anything yet? Has he made plans to spend your money like he assumes that will be his job to manage it?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Calypso2632 View Post
Maybe this is the right spot.. it is primarily about my relationship with notes of other things.. maybe my brain trying to make a bigger mess than necessary..
So my boyfriend drinks beer, a lot of beer, every day after work and on his days off. Most of the time it's tolerable but sometimes he gets stupid drunk.. it used to be way worse, verbaly/mentaly/emotianally abusive kinda.. but we have worked through the awfulness I think and he's pretty much toned it down.
The thing is I go into Wal-Mart to accept a job offer on Monday and I'm pretty certain my hours are gonna be 4am to 1pm. I think full time. My boyfriend is open availability so his shifts are all over.. anyway if my hours are what I said I'm gonna have to be in bed at like 6-7 in the evening to get up at 2am to have coffee and get ready for work.
I'm worried he's going to keep me up with his drinking and whatever and I'm not going to get the rest I need. Ugh
Forgive me all of this is totally unfounded. It's my worried brain like I said.. but my hunches are usually pretty good..
I'm also worried I'm gonna get stuck paying for a majority of everything.. and that feels like a huge disappointment. I haven't had any spending money in ages. And he's been buying himself what have you.. while acting put out about my Pepsi habit.
I guess I'm just afraid of what kind of an unfair ***** storm this could turn into. He's already voiced some dissatisfaction that I want a real cell plan cause I want a nice phone not a crap Wal-Mart phone.. I've been using a flip phone for years while he's had a smartphone. And his mom's been footing the bill till recently.. mine is a government phone and I'm sorry but if I'm working full time I can afford to upgrade with a decent phone on a payment plan.. I dunno. Maybe it's just difference in opinions. He thinks cheap works just as well. I say you get what you pay for.. I just don't want to have to fight over MY paycheck. I haven't been telling him how to spend his.. yeah I complain about the beer, but it's cause it's an issue, and he keeps saying he wants to be done with it. Ugh!!
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Old 03-16-2019, 06:51 AM #4
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Default Re: Angst, anxiety, fear of what's to come..

I don't think a major change in your schedule is an unfounded worry. I think that it's wise to consider how it will affect you and those around you. I had a major change about a year and a half ago and it really did change things. It changed my time and my energy despite bringing in a significant shift in income.
If a change in phone is your gift to yourself for making a milestone change, then so be it. He's lucky that you are even voicing your goals to him.
If he cannot be on board and supportive, I don't know what advise to give. Perhaps cross that path when it happens?
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Old 03-16-2019, 07:05 AM #5
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Default Re: Angst, anxiety, fear of what's to come..

Youíll need your sleep. So yes keeping you up with his drinking will ruin that.

Can you manage without him such as living somewhere else and maybe with roommates or family members? My daughter lives with two roommates. Itís much much cheaper that way. And for sure itís much more peaceful than living with someone who drinks every night and controls your money.
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Old 03-16-2019, 07:49 AM #6
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Default Re: Angst, anxiety, fear of what's to come..

What you have shared is that you live your life around your husband and his drinking. It's ALL about him.

YES! Get this job and choose to do things for YOURSELF. Instead of saying "will he let me get this phone?", say "I am going to get myself a new phone". Instead of saying "will he let me get the sleep I need?" choose to say, "I am going to make sure I get the sleep I need!". If he gets drunk and wakes you up if you sleep in the same bed? Set up a place you can sleep by yourself so he can't disturb you. You don't set up any boundaries with him.
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Old 03-16-2019, 08:00 AM #7
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Default Re: Angst, anxiety, fear of what's to come..

Quote:
Originally Posted by Open Eyes View Post
What you have shared is that you live your life around your husband and his drinking. It's ALL about him.

YES! Get this job and choose to do things for YOURSELF. Instead of saying "will he let me get this phone?", say "I am going to get myself a new phone". Instead of saying "will he let me get the sleep I need?" choose to say, "I am going to make sure I get the sleep I need!". If he gets drunk and wakes you up if you sleep in the same bed? Set up a place you can sleep by yourself so he can't disturb you. You don't set up any boundaries with him.
I like this advise. I want to add, when you start setting new boundaries, he may at first be upset but if he stays upset and does not show he is willing to be considerate then he is not loving you the way you deserve. When we set boundaries, it reveals what people really are. When we don't, some of what we think of others may be exaggerated because of our own personal fears. Express to him how you truly feel and decide what you deserve and stick to it. If he does not honor it or talk it out (you both come to a compromise or at least respect the others autonomy) then you don't want to be in this relationship. Also, sometimes the genuine threat that you will leave makes people change because they realize that you will not stay if they don't respect you more.....
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Old 03-16-2019, 08:01 AM #8
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Default Re: Angst, anxiety, fear of what's to come..

Just had to add that if you arenít married your finances are likely separate and itís not his business what kind of phones you get. I donít see how itís his business in any shape or form. As long as rent and utilities are paid, hopefully shared, everything else is your own money and your decision
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Old 03-16-2019, 09:27 AM #9
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Default Re: Angst, anxiety, fear of what's to come..

I'm so sorry you're going through all of this, Calypso2632 I don't have much to add to what the others have already wisely said better than I ever could. I'll try not to repeat it too much. You have every right to spedn the momeny the way you want, as long as you contribute to the basic necessities like food or rent, and of course your boyfriend has to contribute to it too if he has an income. If you want to get a new phone plan, you have every right to do it! He has no right to judge you for that. He should also be respectful of your schedule and your sleep and avoid drinking and keeping you up at night. Mutual respect is fundamental in every relationship. I'd suggest to talk to your boyfriend about all of these things and see how it goes from there. Try to explain to him how much all of this is important to you. Hopefully he'll listen to you and understand you. If he doesn't, or he doesn't respect your boundaries, then I'm sorry to say it, but I think you need to seriously reconsider the relationship you have with him. I hope you'll be able to talk things through with him. Please don't give up. You deserve to live a good life and most importantly, you deserve to live the way you want to! Try to hang on. Remember that we're here for you if you need it. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this. You're a strong, wonderful person and you deserve to be happy just like everyone else does
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Old 03-16-2019, 02:54 PM #10
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Default Re: Angst, anxiety, fear of what's to come..

I have talked to him a bit about needing the sleep and expressed my worry about quiet time. He seems to understand. The phone and better quality supplies thing he doesn't cause he's cheap, primarily because he is an alcoholic and has to budget for beer constantly. Yes this is a problem, but he does pay the bills that need paying first. He just doesn't value good things cause the alcohol comes first. Which I get cause I was there not so long ago. I'm currently 5 months sober..
I've been a while no income, and he is currently about 3 months into this job. We are both getting back on our feet and putting things back in order and paying off some debts.
We see things from different places I guess. As long as I'm paying what I need to, buying groceries, and things needed for the house I'm going to get what I please. Lol. He has been, regardless of what I have said really. So I guess my paycheck is mine to do with how I see fit since his has been. Ugh. Sometimes I hate money matters.
Thanks everyone for the input!!
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