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Old 03-16-2019, 10:56 AM #1
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Default When a friend allows someone to cheat

Has anyone ever had a friend that basically allowed someone else to cheat on their girlfriend or boyfriend? I have a friend that does that. She claims to not have feelings for a certain guy we both were friends with in college, yet she will go hot and cold with him and go through phases where she will want to have sex with him. At times she will have sex with him and other times she will bail on him at the last minute and ignore him for long periods of time until she feels horny again. I know, very uncomfortable and awkward to hear or talk about.

Never thought I would have to hear or talk about this. Trust me, when I heard she was doing this when she admitted it, it sort of changed my view on her a bit. We are just friends but it makes me wonder how she truly views relationships with others. The big problem though, is that she knows the guy has another girlfriend, yet still allows him to cheat on her. I know people have the tendency to do "stuff" together on and off but it is a totally different situation when cheating is involved.

The guy is purposely cheating on his girlfriend and my friend is allowing it to happen. Is allowing someone to cheat on their significant other make the person just as bad as the person cheating? I kind of feel like it is sine it is disrespectful towards the person who is being cheated on and makes it seem like whoever allows someone else to cheat sees relationships as disposable or not as serious. What do you guys think? Also she at times will try to hide it and pretend she is done doing that stuff but she has done it so many times before that it is extremely obvious when she is lying and hiding it. She will all the sudden be on her phone way more than normal and act all fidgety and nervous like she is worried someone will catch her at any moment and if she is cancelling plans then her excuses are terrible and may even change.

I am not in a relationship with her obviously and never have or never will have feelings with her, but I will admit, if I did or if I had feelings with someone else who allowed the same kind of stuff to happen, it would be an immediate turn off since I would be afraid of being cheated on. She will go back and forth between admitting what she is doing is wrong but then going back to doing it anyway. Not sure why people are like that or why they allow their desires for sex to overcome proper judgment but it happens. Could this also indicate some other underlying issues as well? I just find it weird to hear about someone allowing another person to cheat on someone by having sex with them but then going cold. Makes me wonder if she either actually really likes him but doesn't want to admit it or just sees him as someone to have sex with.
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Old 03-16-2019, 11:11 AM #2
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Default Re: When a friend allows someone to cheat

I have noticed you often post about other people's behaviours and your perceptions of them. Merely an observation after being a member on and off over the years.

Do you find this affects your mood or well-being at all? I personally would lose my mind if I focused on what other people were doing all the time. I often just have to ignore some stuff that people do because it stresses me out and it's not really my business, you know?
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Old 03-16-2019, 11:47 AM #3
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Default Re: When a friend allows someone to cheat

Quote:
Originally Posted by rdgrad15 View Post
Has anyone ever had a friend that basically allowed someone else to cheat on their girlfriend or boyfriend? I have a friend that does that. She claims to not have feelings for a certain guy we both were friends with in college, yet she will go hot and cold with him and go through phases where she will want to have sex with him. At times she will have sex with him and other times she will bail on him at the last minute and ignore him for long periods of time until she feels horny again. I know, very uncomfortable and awkward to hear or talk about.

Never thought I would have to hear or talk about this. Trust me, when I heard she was doing this when she admitted it, it sort of changed my view on her a bit. We are just friends but it makes me wonder how she truly views relationships with others. The big problem though, is that she knows the guy has another girlfriend, yet still allows him to cheat on her. I know people have the tendency to do "stuff" together on and off but it is a totally different situation when cheating is involved.
She is not allowing him to cheat on his girlfriend. He is choosing to cheat and she is a willing party to that act by cheating with him.
Quote:

The guy is purposely cheating on his girlfriend and my friend is allowing it to happen. Is allowing someone to cheat on their significant other make the person just as bad as the person cheating? I kind of feel like it is sine it is disrespectful towards the person who is being cheated on and makes it seem like whoever allows someone else to cheat sees relationships as disposable or not as serious.
You keep saying” allowing him to cheat”. Again he is choosing to do it himself. She is a willing participant and honestly they are both adults they have bad scruples or morals but they are both adults.
Quote:


What do you guys think? Also she at times will try to hide it and pretend she is done doing that stuff but she has done it so many times before that it is extremely obvious when she is lying and hiding it. She will all the sudden be on her phone way more than normal and act all fidgety and nervous like she is worried someone will catch her at any moment and if she is cancelling plans then her excuses are terrible and may even change.
I would be more concerned with the fact that she is lying to you, her friend. If you guys are friends she shouldn't be lying to you. She should just say nothing if she wishes to continue the behavior but certainly doing it and lying about it is a problem between you and her.
Quote:


I am not in a relationship with her obviously and never have or never will have feelings with her, but I will admit, if I did or if I had feelings with someone else who allowed the same kind of stuff to happen, it would be an immediate turn off since I would be afraid of being cheated on.
No disrespect meant but usually when people hypothetically talk about whether they do or they don't have some feelings for someone, or whether they could or could not date somebody, that usually means that beneath the surface they do actually have feelings for that person

Quote:
She will go back and forth between admitting what she is doing is wrong but then going back to doing it anyway. Not sure why people are like that or why they allow their desires for sex to overcome proper judgment but it happens. Could this also indicate some other underlying issues as well?
Going back-and-forth between admitting you were wrong and doing the problem behavior anyway just means you are wrong but talking about it and thinking about it makes you feel better about what it is that you are doing wrong. And has nothing at all to do with mental health if that's what you mean by underlying issues. People with a mental illness are not more prone to cheating.

Quote:
I just find it weird to hear about someone allowing another person to cheat on someone by having sex with them but then going cold. Makes me wonder if she either actually really likes him but doesn't want to admit it or just sees him as someone to have sex with.
Again you keep saying “allowing him to cheat.”He is choosing to do this of his own accord and nothing she says or does has anything to do with his decision. I'm not quite sure why you are so concerned about her morals concerning this issue it seems to me you should be more concerned about why she lies to you. You can’t call her a friend if she lies to you. And by your logic you are also a party to this situation by still remaining friends with her knowing she is jeopardizing someone else’s relationship.
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Old 03-18-2019, 10:25 AM #4
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Default Re: When a friend allows someone to cheat

I have to agree with Sarahsweets here. My first thought was, "You don't allow someone to cheat." Everyone has free will to do what they want and her boyfriend is choosing to cheat. He could have ended the relationship or talk things out but he chooses to cheat. This is not your friend's fault. Even if a partner is treating another one poorly or being hot and cold, that's no excuse for cheating. Put the blame where it belongs: on your friend's boyfriend.

However, that is their business. I've learned that it's not too helpful to get involved in friends' romantic relationships. It gets very messy. Unless the relationship is downright horrible or abusive, then I'll get involved. But this just sounds like two people who need to communicate but are both choosing to run away from the problem.

I would focus more on your friendship with her and what you want to do regarding it. Do you want to set boundaries? Do you want to distance yourself from her? Do you want to communicate?

I wish you all the best.
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Old 03-18-2019, 06:03 PM #5
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Default Re: When a friend allows someone to cheat

Also, have you considered the fact that they might be in an open relationship? Maybe they discussed things and that's what they agreed upon, and maybe your friend is keeping that to herself. Either way, it might be a good idea to step back and let them handle this.
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Old 03-20-2019, 10:35 AM #6
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Default Re: When a friend allows someone to cheat

Quote:
Originally Posted by rdgrad15 View Post
Has anyone ever had a friend that basically allowed someone else to cheat on their girlfriend or boyfriend? I have a friend that does that. She claims to not have feelings for a certain guy we both were friends with in college, yet she will go hot and cold with him and go through phases where she will want to have sex with him. At times she will have sex with him and other times she will bail on him at the last minute and ignore him for long periods of time until she feels horny again. I know, very uncomfortable and awkward to hear or talk about.

Never thought I would have to hear or talk about this. Trust me, when I heard she was doing this when she admitted it, it sort of changed my view on her a bit. We are just friends but it makes me wonder how she truly views relationships with others. The big problem though, is that she knows the guy has another girlfriend, yet still allows him to cheat on her. I know people have the tendency to do "stuff" together on and off but it is a totally different situation when cheating is involved.

The guy is purposely cheating on his girlfriend and my friend is allowing it to happen. Is allowing someone to cheat on their significant other make the person just as bad as the person cheating? I kind of feel like it is sine it is disrespectful towards the person who is being cheated on and makes it seem like whoever allows someone else to cheat sees relationships as disposable or not as serious. What do you guys think? Also she at times will try to hide it and pretend she is done doing that stuff but she has done it so many times before that it is extremely obvious when she is lying and hiding it. She will all the sudden be on her phone way more than normal and act all fidgety and nervous like she is worried someone will catch her at any moment and if she is cancelling plans then her excuses are terrible and may even change.

I am not in a relationship with her obviously and never have or never will have feelings with her, but I will admit, if I did or if I had feelings with someone else who allowed the same kind of stuff to happen, it would be an immediate turn off since I would be afraid of being cheated on. She will go back and forth between admitting what she is doing is wrong but then going back to doing it anyway. Not sure why people are like that or why they allow their desires for sex to overcome proper judgment but it happens. Could this also indicate some other underlying issues as well? I just find it weird to hear about someone allowing another person to cheat on someone by having sex with them but then going cold. Makes me wonder if she either actually really likes him but doesn't want to admit it or just sees him as someone to have sex with.

She's not "allowing him to cheat" on his girlfriend, she is involved in the cheating therefore isn't just letting it happen but is an active partner in it. Allowing someone to cheat to me is saying you know someone that is cheating on his gf/bf with someone else.


so to answer this:
Quote:
Is allowing someone to cheat on their significant other make the person just as bad as the person cheating?

She's not only just as bad but she is one of the cheaters.
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Old 03-20-2019, 11:07 AM #7
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Default Re: When a friend allows someone to cheat

Friends don't 'allow' others to cheat or behave wrongly. They can make a suggestion but it is not their place to bar someone from doing so. A friend who observes another's questionable behaviour may inform on them but they have no obligations to do so. The mark of the friendship is having the freedom to voice an opinion. If the transgressor continues with the unfortunate act, then it is up to the friend to evaluate the basis of the friend relationship and decide whether the action is forgivable or not within their personal limits. Basically, it is up to someone whether or not to put up with someone else's behaviour. Now, if this was putting someone in harm's way, there always is an authority to turn to.
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Old 03-21-2019, 05:35 AM #8
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Default Re: When a friend allows someone to cheat

The person who is cheating with the cheater is just as guilty as the person doing the cheating.
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Old 03-23-2019, 09:40 AM #9
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Default Re: When a friend allows someone to cheat

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Originally Posted by Medusax View Post
The person who is cheating with the cheater is just as guilty as the person doing the cheating.
Totally agree.
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Old 03-23-2019, 09:40 AM #10
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Default Re: When a friend allows someone to cheat

Quote:
Originally Posted by WishfulThinker66 View Post
Friends don't 'allow' others to cheat or behave wrongly. They can make a suggestion but it is not their place to bar someone from doing so. A friend who observes another's questionable behaviour may inform on them but they have no obligations to do so. The mark of the friendship is having the freedom to voice an opinion. If the transgressor continues with the unfortunate act, then it is up to the friend to evaluate the basis of the friend relationship and decide whether the action is forgivable or not within their personal limits. Basically, it is up to someone whether or not to put up with someone else's behaviour. Now, if this was putting someone in harm's way, there always is an authority to turn to.
Yeah I agree. There is definitely no abuse. She just simply admits to doing things that are wrong. I never ask about them, she just comes out and admits it.
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