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Old 03-16-2019, 09:36 PM #1
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Confused Friendship isolation Adults

I belong to a circle of friends for about 10+ years. 3 females including myself and 2 males who are gay. Over the past few years they’ve started distancing themselves from me and another female in the group. Albeit, I did get married and had children but they did still manage to include me in their social gatherings prior to the last few years. Over the past few years they stopped reaching out little by little. I’d only get invites to birthdays but not to their “wine nights” or “wine nights, general hangout, etc”. I started to wonder why I wasn’t being invited and voiced my concern. All they were able to say was “we just plan these things spur of the moment” I believed it at first, but then slowly realized it was a lie. My dilemma is, if they wanted to cut me out of this circle why didn’t they? Why are they only including me in on birthdays? Every time I’m invited to a “birthday” I feel anxious and stressed because part of me doesn’t want to go because of the hurt they’ve cause me to feel, while the other part of me thinks if I don’t go, I’ll never be invited to anything ever again. I have a birthday of theirs tomorrow and I’m feeling anxious all over again. Any advice is appreciated.
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Old 03-16-2019, 10:19 PM #2
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Default Re: Friendship isolation Adults

How did you realize it was a lie?
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Old 03-16-2019, 10:29 PM #3
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Default Re: Friendship isolation Adults

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How did you realize it was a lie?
I realized they were lying when they had planned a trip out of state that required advanced planning. All they could have done was reached out with a text
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Old 03-17-2019, 02:51 AM #4
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Default Re: Friendship isolation Adults

As friendships evolve priorities shift...The fact that you are now married and raising children, may be a contributing factor in them picking and choosing when & where to invite you.

There is nothing stopping you from planning social nights out and inviting them to catch up...maybe see how that goes.
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Old 03-17-2019, 04:33 AM #5
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Default Re: Friendship isolation Adults

Sometimes when people have children it makes people without children feel really weird could that be it?
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Old 03-17-2019, 04:48 AM #6
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Default Re: Friendship isolation Adults

What changed with the other woman who is also being left out? How did the birthday party go?
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Old 03-17-2019, 09:50 AM #7
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Default Re: Friendship isolation Adults

I'm very sorry you're hurting. That would hurt me too, so I can understand your feelings.

What I wonder - is your circle of friends made up of all single people? And is the other woman who is being left out married too?

I have found that singles prefer to hang out with other singles, and married people with kids prefer to hang out with other couples with children or simply just other couples. I think mainly because singles can relate to other singles better. Kind of like "we're all in the singles boat together!" kind of thing. And married couples also have more in common with other married couples, especially when kids are involved.

I am just guessing here, but it's possible that's what's happening, if your group is mainly made up of singles.
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Old 03-17-2019, 11:04 AM #8
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Default Re: Friendship isolation Adults

Hello, so the 1 woman left in the circle is married with no kids. The woman who was left out like I have been is single. The male friends in the circle all have long term partners. I thought it was maybe something I said or did, but the other woman in my shoes feels the same way and we’ve both done nothing. We are assuming, but could be wrong, that the remaining female wants control and wants to be the only one left?? Her father passed away years back and since then, has only wanted male attention. But I didn’t think it would be so much so to push other females out of the circle.




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I'm very sorry you're hurting. That would hurt me too, so I can understand your feelings.

What I wonder - is your circle of friends made up of all single people? And is the other woman who is being left out married too?

I have found that singles prefer to hang out with other singles, and married people with kids prefer to hang out with other couples with children or simply just other couples. I think mainly because singles can relate to other singles better. Kind of like "we're all in the singles boat together!" kind of thing. And married couples also have more in common with other married couples, especially when kids are involved.

I am just guessing here, but it's possible that's what's happening, if your group is mainly made up of singles.
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Old 03-17-2019, 11:39 AM #9
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Default Re: Friendship isolation Adults

Quote:
Originally Posted by Biz82 View Post
Hello, so the 1 woman left in the circle is married with no kids. The woman who was left out like I have been is single. The male friends in the circle all have long term partners. I thought it was maybe something I said or did, but the other woman in my shoes feels the same way and we’ve both done nothing. We are assuming, but could be wrong, that the remaining female wants control and wants to be the only one left?? Her father passed away years back and since then, has only wanted male attention. But I didn’t think it would be so much so to push other females out of the circle.

Oh Ok, I see. So that blows my theory out of the water.

That's really hurtful. At least you know you did nothing wrong and same with the other woman being left out. Maybe you two should join forces & hang out together instead? It still sucks. People are strange. I cannot figure them out sometimes.

Hugs to you.. I'm sorry you're dealing with this.
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Old 03-17-2019, 01:15 PM #10
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Default Re: Friendship isolation Adults

I'm so sorry you're hurting so much, Biz82 I agree with what all the others have already wisely said better than I ever could. It's a pretty strange behavior, but perhaps your theory about the remaining female is correct. How did she usually behave around you two? Has she ever expressed dislike towards you two? Perhaps this is just a natural part of friendship circles. Things can change and people can get away from each other. Perhaps the bond they have with you and the other woman is just not as strong? How was your relationship with them prior to this? Were you all very close? Either way, I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. If you feel like these birthdays invitations aren't making you feel good, I'd suggest to just move on and perhaps try to find some new friends if you can. It's not easy, I know, especially if you're already married with children and you're very busy. But I believe it's not impossible. Are there any clubs you can join based on your hobbies? Any activities that you may try out? Anything that may help you to meet some new people. Remember that it's not your fault this is happening and it has nothing to do with you. There's nothing wrong with you. This kind of things can happen, sometimes for no specific reason. It doesn't mean you did anything wrong. I'm glad you're already aware of that. I hope you'll be able to find new people to share things with. I'm sure you can do this! You're a strong, wonderful person. I hope things will get better soon for you. Remember that we're here for you if you need it. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. Sending many hugs to you, Biz82. Let us know if you decide to go to the birthday tomorrow and how it goes if you decide to go. There's nothing wrong with deciding not to go if you're feeling too anxious. Birthdays are supposed to be fun, not stressful, after all! I'm sure you'll be able to get through all of this. You're a strong, wonderful person
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