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Old 04-10-2019, 12:25 PM #61
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Default Re: Not sure what to do

I improvise just fine. It comes down to me needing a few minutes, a quiet room, and possibly getting the melody slowed down to get something that others get faster. But as usual, I'm defined solely by what I struggle with and not by what I do better than most.

But back to the original topic, the time to approach him has passed. I read the whole thing wrong. He was just being nice and there's no interest there. It was kind of dumb to think there was.
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Old 04-10-2019, 01:56 PM #62
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Default Re: Not sure what to do

Quote:
Originally Posted by Skull&Crossbones View Post
I improvise just fine. It comes down to me needing a few minutes, a quiet room, and possibly getting the melody slowed down to get something that others get faster. But as usual, I'm defined solely by what I struggle with and not by what I do better than most.

But back to the original topic, the time to approach him has passed. I read the whole thing wrong. He was just being nice and there's no interest there. It was kind of dumb to think there was.
Who defines you, others? How do you know what they think of you? This sounds like faulty thinking.

I could tell you werenít really interested in pursuing him, either. It wasnít dumb of you to have read some interest from him. He may have genuinely had or still has some interest in you. Even if he didnít and you had asked him for coffee, you never know if interest could have developed. But, if you overthink all the negatives, you will talk yourself out of pursuing every time.

Meanwhile, it is good that you found someone attractive and there is bound to be someone else in the future that you will feel the same as well and maybe it will be mutual.
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Old 04-10-2019, 02:28 PM #63
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Default Re: Not sure what to do

I just can't imagine him having any interest in me. And I've only really had luck not doing the pursuing at all or at least waiting until someone else made the first move.

I just don't see what's so great about being single. The only thing I can think of is that I get to be myself. I don't understand what a relationship is supposed to be like, but aren't you supposed to be able to be yourself in a relationship or is that asking too much? So outside of that, I don't understand what's supposed to be so great about this. Being alone most of the time, not having someone to share things with, not having someone to hang out with on a regular basis. Friends never fill up enough of that time...they're not someone you can talk to everyday and hang out with once (or more a week) because they have their own families etc. And that doesn't make the nights and mornings less lonely.

All I know is that there were brief moments in a relationship where I didn't feel lonely and actually felt accepted and understood. Unfortunately, the latter two were a lie, but it's still better than nothing. I can just go back to daydreaming about being in a relationship.

I don't think I'd even ask for that much in a real relationship, but maybe it is...someone that I can talk to, someone I can hang out with, someone that accepts me, someone I can feel comfortable being myself around, someone I can have a satisfying sex life with. I don't need to get any emotional support, as long as my feelings aren't used against me. I want nothing to do with "romance" so I'm pretty easy that way. They wouldn't ever have to spend anything on me if they didn't want to. I wouldn't have to be #1 priority anyway...maybe 2 or 3 would be nice. I generally just accept anyone for their flaws so they don't have to be the greatest person ever. Just nice.
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Old 04-10-2019, 02:52 PM #64
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Default Re: Not sure what to do

Being single and daydreaming about being in a relationship is an option, not a healthy one, but still an option.

You deserve to have it all in a relationship, everything you said, even the stuff you say you would settle to go without.

Maybe some people truly have it all? Maybe they have low expectations so they are content with what they get?

TBH, I had low expectations when I got married, but over time, I decided I deserved to have all you described. I caused the struggle by raising the bar.

As for getting a date though, there is an art to that process. You seem uncomfortable with it, insecure, over think it and talk yourself out of it.
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Old 04-10-2019, 03:32 PM #65
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Default Re: Not sure what to do

Itís only natural to want to be in a relationship. And nothing wrong with having high expectations. Provided that those high expectations arenít superficial in nature (like focusing on looks).

For me it feels better to be in a relationship if itís very good. If itís not, it feels better to be single.

I donít think people are happy/satisfied in their marriage/relationship just because they have low expectations. It kind of diminishes and degrades their marriage. I refuse to think poorly of other peopleís marriages (and mine own too).

The key is to meet right person. Not perfect, but right. Life us too short to waste it on wrong matches

As about dating, yes itís not easy, time consuming, risky and stressful. Unfortunately unless we are in arranged marriage, we got to date to meet the right person. So you got to take risks
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Old 04-13-2019, 06:55 PM #66
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Default Re: Not sure what to do

Never mind, I had a response but I don't know anymore.

He did add me on Facebook himself, although it was because someone else needed to add me because of a project and I likely showed up under the people you may know section.

I'm still unsure of what to do. Even if I'm drawn to or attracted to him at all, there are still things about him that cause a visceral reaction in me.

Last edited by Skull&Crossbones; 04-13-2019 at 09:07 PM.
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Old 04-22-2019, 10:40 PM #67
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Default Re: Not sure what to do

Well, he is taken. I think he also figured out that I liked him. I guess I made it obvious without stating so explicitly. At least he saved me from completely humiliating myself.

It feels like my heart is broken again, even though I had no idea there was anything left to break. I know I need to be more mature and not have crushes on people. I feel just as stupid (if not more so) as I did when I first noticed those feelings. Embarrassing. Even more embarrassing is that I keep crying about it and about other things...ugh.
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Old 04-23-2019, 06:20 AM #68
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Default Re: Not sure what to do

You didnít do anything wrong. You didnít even embarrass yourself. This one just wasnít for you. Next!

Do you find others attractive? When you want to go somewhere, like a movie, just ask someone to go with you.

Iíve found people to be really happy to get an invitation to do anything. They love when I ask them to lunch or whatever, even as a friend.

Maybe go to a singleís Meet Up. Just make friends with singles. Stay away from the unavailable.

This guy isnít off the table as being your friend, either. Who knows, maybe he has a friend for you...
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Old 04-23-2019, 06:57 AM #69
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Default Re: Not sure what to do

Him being taken isnít embarrassing or a reflection on you at all. You canít possibly know someone is taken unless they wear a wedding ring but even the you might not notice it.

Meetups is a good idea.
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Old 04-23-2019, 07:24 AM #70
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Default Re: Not sure what to do

Itís embarrassing that I felt that way in the first place. Itís just worse that heís taken, making it unwanted. I donít find anyone else attractive at the moment.

Oddly, I donít think there are any singleís meetups around here and even if they were, arenít they just for straight people? I go to other meetups all the time, mostly queer ones, and it doesnít really help finding anyone, even friends outside the event.

Itís extremely rare that someone has a friend for me. I think that only happened once and it was years ago in a different city and something I couldnít act on anyway.

Last edited by Skull&Crossbones; 04-23-2019 at 07:46 AM.
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