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Old 04-24-2019, 06:41 AM #81
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Default Re: Not sure what to do

Now we are in the territory of my intimacy issue! These Amy Winehouse lyrics says it well:
The only time I hold your hand
Is to get the angle right

You touched upon feeling like what gives you pleasure your partner will think is gross. Unless that involves something so far extreme, thatís really not accurate. They donít think itís gross, just the opposite, it turns them on to see you pleasured.

You touched upon thinking what you like cannot physically work with a partner. There may be other positions and ways that a partner can please you. Toys are ok to use too.

I personally feel that I donít have to have an O every time, but mostly with partner, yes. We both get fully satisfied and this solidifies our love and relationship. To me, this is essential.

Intimacy is not for the faint of heart.
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Old 04-24-2019, 12:30 PM #82
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Default Re: Not sure what to do

He also was not willing to be uncomfortable for my sake, which fair enough. He just had a tendency to shame me for sharing something I would be interested in (instead of just saying he wasn't comfortable) so I stopped sharing what I wanted to try. There was something we would have both been interested in but it needed more discussion before I felt comfortable trying much but whenever I would try to start a conversation, the answers were always "I don't know". Not in a dismissive way, but that he really didn't know and apparently wasn't able/willing to think about it. I guess I'm one to talk...I couldn't find a way to accommodate his fantasy without it crossing my boundaries. There were ways to go about accommodating him, but there was just no rush to make it happen I guess.

I don't know...I would just like to have a truly good sexual experience once where I can really talk about it and not feel like some monster for wanting anything past the very basic. Or that I can actually feel connected to my partner...sex so often made me feel alone and disconnected. He couldn't even get anything accomplished with toys and I tried to show him.

Just overall, I'm tired of crying all the time. This can't be good for my sinuses or my head. I just want to connect to people and experience love and sex like other people get to. I don't understand why I have to be in a place of deserving it first. I'm a kind, loyal, useful person, why isn't that enough?
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Old 04-24-2019, 03:41 PM #83
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Default Re: Not sure what to do

You are enough, just for whatever reason you are having hard time. Does your therapist suggest any strategies?
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Old 04-25-2019, 04:51 AM #84
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Default Re: Not sure what to do

Every sexual partner is unique. Some just seem to know what to do and are into what you like. Some need teaching. Some never learn. Some never want to learn and are selfish and shaming.
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Old 04-25-2019, 07:06 PM #85
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You are enough, just for whatever reason you are having hard time. Does your therapist suggest any strategies?
She suggested this singles group, but the issue is they're affiliated with a church and I'm very leery/scared of churches. I wouldn't be at a church service unless I'm being paid to play an instrument for the service. I'm not sure I can go into much detail about it because of the rules here. If it were not affiliated with a church or I had someone to go with me, then I would. I feel very uncomfortable going to something affiliated with a church because I'm afraid that it's not going to be safe, I'm going to be preached at, or I'm going to be pressured/manipulated into joining the church. And if I'm not of that religion, it doesn't seem right.

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Every sexual partner is unique. Some just seem to know what to do and are into what you like. Some need teaching. Some never learn. Some never want to learn and are selfish and shaming.
I don't find enough sexual partners to find the ones who know what to do. I'm still too shy for one-night stands with strangers though unfortunately.
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Old 04-25-2019, 07:56 PM #86
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She suggested this singles group, but the issue is they're affiliated with a church and I'm very leery/scared of churches. I wouldn't be at a church service unless I'm being paid to play an instrument for the service. I'm not sure I can go into much detail about it because of the rules here. If it were not affiliated with a church or I had someone to go with me, then I would. I feel very uncomfortable going to something affiliated with a church because I'm afraid that it's not going to be safe, I'm going to be preached at, or I'm going to be pressured/manipulated into joining the church. And if I'm not of that religion, it doesn't seem right.



I don't find enough sexual partners to find the ones who know what to do. I'm still too shy for one-night stands with strangers though unfortunately.
Maybe some singles groups are affiliated with church. Most certainly not all. I donít attend church. I am pretty sure there are ton of groups and people who arenít affiliated with church. Itís certainly isnít a requirement for single groups to be involved or be affiliated with church. Not sure why you think that.

If you only had one sexual partner, you canít know if people know what to do or not. You judge people by one lousy experience. I donít recommend one night stands. Itís simply unsafe. But unless you date, youíd have no ways to know how people are. If you want a relationship you got to make an effort to date. Itís not easy. But I canít imagine how else you can go about it.
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Old 04-25-2019, 10:55 PM #87
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Maybe some singles groups are affiliated with church. Most certainly not all. I donít attend church. I am pretty sure there are ton of groups and people who arenít affiliated with church. Itís certainly isnít a requirement for single groups to be involved or be affiliated with church. Not sure why you think that.

If you only had one sexual partner, you canít know if people know what to do or not. You judge people by one lousy experience. I donít recommend one night stands. Itís simply unsafe. But unless you date, youíd have no ways to know how people are. If you want a relationship you got to make an effort to date. Itís not easy. But I canít imagine how else you can go about it.

I never said I thought they were all religious. I don't know of any near where I live that aren't. I don't know of any others than that one. I've googled and looked on meetup. There are supposedly speed dating events sometimes here but they are specifically for people looking for the opposite sex.

I've had three sexual partners. Only one was long term.

I don't know what you mean by making an effort to date? I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I've looked into speed dating and singles groups. I hang out with LGBT groups. I was on the only site that lets you be bisexual without having multiple accounts (or changing preferences) and there weren't really any matches. There wasn't much interest from other people either, just the generic "Hey" messages guys send to everyone. I can't really have an online dating profile anyway. What if a future student or parent finds it and finds something inappropriate in it or the fact that it exists is inappropriate?

I don't know why I bother trying. I've had the most success when I put in zero effort, like when I met my ex.
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Old 04-26-2019, 04:09 AM #88
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ďI'm still too shy for one-night stands with strangers though unfortunately.Ē Good! Thatís not being shy, thatís having self esteem.

Are there local gay bars near you? I recall going to one where I grew up when I was in my early 20ís. I went with a friend who was bi. It was very busy and it seemed like a nice scene. I even got hit on.

I agree, you had one lover who was lousy. Donít give up hope.
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Old 04-26-2019, 06:38 AM #89
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I never said I thought they were all religious. I don't know of any near where I live that aren't. I don't know of any others than that one. I've googled and looked on meetup. There are supposedly speed dating events sometimes here but they are specifically for people looking for the opposite sex.

I've had three sexual partners. Only one was long term.

I don't know what you mean by making an effort to date? I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I've looked into speed dating and singles groups. I hang out with LGBT groups. I was on the only site that lets you be bisexual without having multiple accounts (or changing preferences) and there weren't really any matches. There wasn't much interest from other people either, just the generic "Hey" messages guys send to everyone. I can't really have an online dating profile anyway. What if a future student or parent finds it and finds something inappropriate in it or the fact that it exists is inappropriate?

I don't know why I bother trying. I've had the most success when I put in zero effort, like when I met my ex.
Why worry now when you arenít a teacher yet?

Future students and teachers cannot find your profile on a dating sites because they do not even know you as they arenít actually your students NOW. So if you create profile now, it canít possibly effect your future students. By the time you actually teach, you might already have someone to date.

But if you still have your profile there by the time you teach, itís not inappropriate or against the law to have dating profiles. I am a teacher, well my students likely donít gave profiles on dating sites but some parents likely do. I used to be on dating sites for some time.

Whatís inappropriate about having online dating profile? Thatís the first time I hear such thing. Itís nothing to do with students and their parents. Sure maybe if I posted naked pictures of myself for everyone to see that would not be ok, but dating sites? Who cares? Iíd just laugh with kids if they said ďmy dad saw your profile on a dating siteĒ. Turn it into a laugh about modern dating for us old folks lol Who cares? Donít take it so seriously. Do you think itís inappropriate to do online dating? Most people, including students and parents, canít care less how you go about dating.

Sure you can meet someone without any effort. That happens of course. But if itís nit happening there are resources to help you

Oh yeah gay bars is a good idea. We have local gay hang out in a neighbor city. Thatís an option.
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Old 04-26-2019, 12:59 PM #90
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I go to the local gay bar and gay/bi hangouts/meetups already. I don't get hit on or flirted with. Most of them are married/taken anyway. The only other choice is the gay club, but I don't dance. I could be the person who saves seats/watches stuff/DD for other people and sit there while they have fun.

And I already do have students. I just don't have the certification to be the full-time teacher, so I'm the assistant. I rarely found anybody on the sites I've used. I wouldn't know what to say if I did and if I came up with something to say, they wouldn't respond. I am really uncomfortable with the entire concept of online dating. I need to know if I feel comfortable even talking to someone first and I can only find out if I meet them in person. I'm not comfortable sending people messages online. I don't get anyone with a genuine interest in the messages I receive. There has to be another way than online. Even if I did put a profile up, I'm not going to find someone before I have a full-time job and certainly not before student teaching in the fall. I'd probably have to the have the profile up a year or two before I even had a date.

This is probably all just useless. I thought I was cute at least, but I must not be if I'm so rarely getting hit on. Besides, my ex dumped me because I'm so awful that he'd rather just be lonely. Why would anyone else want me if I'm that bad?

I don't think anyone on here understands what it's like to be shy. Or to never really be part of a group. To always be the appendix of every group you're in. For a few years, I had a person that gave me a chance and was somehow attracted enough to me to date me. It just seems so surreal. I never even thought I would experience dating. I guess I'm asking way too much for it to ever happen again.
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