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Default Mar 25, 2019 at 10:04 PM
  #21
Well, I never really got a chance to talk to him. Maybe a good thing, I don’t know. After I’m treated like I’m in the way and that I shouldn’t be there and then left out of group discussions etc. it just sort of snowballed into me feeling pretty bad so I’d probably not be the best to talk to.
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Default Mar 27, 2019 at 03:21 PM
  #22
It's not happening. Spring break happened at the wrong time. Also, I keep asking myself what if I'm gay? Then I'd be awful pursuing him whether I feel drawn to him or not. There's no way to tell if I'm drawn to him because I'm actually attracted to him or because I've been conditioned to pursue men no matter what and he seems like a decent choice if I have to be with a guy. I just think about all the bad parts of being with a guy, the forced gender role, the alterations to my appearance to be visually acceptable, the sexual part, the romantic part (I don't like romance...it's patronizing and disingenuous, but the guy thinks you want it simply because you're a "girl").
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Default Mar 27, 2019 at 04:57 PM
  #23
From what you have written...it does seem that you are over thinking. We ask someone out and go on a date or 2...if there is a spark, then 3-4 dates. Dating is all about trying each other on for size. We can't know in advance if a person is right for us, and we very often choose wrong, but discovering whether there is potential for any longterm relationship is the fun part. There may need to be some compromise, and we may not be perfectly suited, but as 2 consulting adults you get to choose together what is acceptable, what isn't .

There is no one size fits all...Age , gender, interests, financial status , physical compatibility, aspirations for the future...these all determine whether there is potential for a future together...the great thing is you get to decide together.

I wish you all the very best moving forward, Skull&Crossbones.

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Default Mar 27, 2019 at 06:32 PM
  #24
In my experience by age 30 people know if they are homosexuals or heterosexuals or perhaps bisexual. Are you saying by age 30 you still don’t know if you are gay or not? I am confused. How were you conditioned to pursue men? I think by now you’d know if you like men or not? You seem to dislike idea of relationship with men, then why go for it? I’d say in 2019 no one can force you to be with a man or with anyone for that matter
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Default Mar 27, 2019 at 10:24 PM
  #25
I don’t have enough sexual experience to know. I was raised in a very conservative family. Gay wasn’t an option. I had a little exposure to the concept in high school but didn’t really realize I was attracted to women until undergrad. Most of my experience with men has more or less felt like trying to insert a square peg in a round hole so I don’t know if that means I’m gay or it’s just REALLY bad experiences. I’m shy and not conventionally attractive (so I’m not really going to have people hit on me either) so to get any experience I usually just go with whoever is available. And yes, I have hit on women...it just never goes anywhere. So I have zero experience so how would I really know my sexuality? I’ve always been pretty confused about gender too. I don’t really have a strong sense of identity overall. I’ve been rediscovering my personality again. Usually the issue is I don’t feel comfortable or safe being myself.
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Default Mar 27, 2019 at 11:05 PM
  #26
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Originally Posted by Skull&Crossbones View Post
I don’t have enough sexual experience to know. I was raised in a very conservative family. Gay wasn’t an option. I had a little exposure to the concept in high school but didn’t really realize I was attracted to women until undergrad. Most of my experience with men has more or less felt like trying to insert a square peg in a round hole so I don’t know if that means I’m gay or it’s just REALLY bad experiences. I’m shy and not conventionally attractive (so I’m not really going to have people hit on me either) so to get any experience I usually just go with whoever is available. And yes, I have hit on women...it just never goes anywhere. So I have zero experience so how would I really know my sexuality? I’ve always been pretty confused about gender too. I don’t really have a strong sense of identity overall. I’ve been rediscovering my personality again. Usually the issue is I don’t feel comfortable or safe being myself.
To be gay or heterosexual is not an “option”, it’s who you are. It’s not a choice.

And you don’t have to have actual sexual experience to know who you are. How do you think people determine their sexual orientation? Sleeping with both genders and comparing who they prefer more? I understand that you might be unsure or might like both sexes but your rationale behind it is somewhat strange to me. I don’t think I should sleep with a woman to make a determination that I am not into women. I don’t need that experience to know I am not interested. Of course many people experiment but it’s not a requirement
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Default Mar 27, 2019 at 11:30 PM
  #27
I meant, I did not realize that being in a same sex relationship was really an option or that it wasn’t a choice. And I need to experiment. I have no idea who I would enjoy having sex with. I barely know what some of my preferred acts would be as I’ve barely been able to try anything. I have no idea how to experiment. I’m not comfortable having sex with strangers and that would be mostly (if not solely) men anyway.
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Default Mar 28, 2019 at 05:14 PM
  #28
I’m here reading (((((((( hugs )))))))))


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Default Apr 02, 2019 at 12:48 AM
  #29
So if I do decide to ask him out just to see if it works, what do I say? How can I make this the least awkward if he isn’t interested?
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Default Apr 02, 2019 at 07:07 AM
  #30
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Originally Posted by Skull&Crossbones View Post
So if I do decide to ask him out just to see if it works, what do I say? How can I make this the least awkward if he isn’t interested?
Do you know what he likes? Like art of music or history? Then you canaif he’s like to a new exhibit? Or you contact him in writing like on Facebook, it would be less stressful?
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Default Apr 02, 2019 at 07:13 AM
  #31
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I don’t have enough sexual experience to know. I was raised in a very conservative family. Gay wasn’t an option. I had a little exposure to the concept in high school but didn’t really realize I was attracted to women until undergrad. Most of my experience with men has more or less felt like trying to insert a square peg in a round hole so I don’t know if that means I’m gay or it’s just REALLY bad experiences. I’m shy and not conventionally attractive (so I’m not really going to have people hit on me either) so to get any experience I usually just go with whoever is available. And yes, I have hit on women...it just never goes anywhere. So I have zero experience so how would I really know my sexuality? I’ve always been pretty confused about gender too.I don’t really have a strong sense of identity overall. I’ve been rediscovering my personality again. Usually the issue is I don’t feel comfortable or safe being myself.
You have great insight into yourself and what is really going on deep within you here.

This may sound crude, but think about what literally makes your body get aroused. Do you get all tingly around men, women, both? When you masturbate, think about what it is that gets you aroused.

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Default Apr 02, 2019 at 08:16 AM
  #32
I'm so sorry you're hurting so much, Skulls&Crossbones I'd suggest to just go for it and see how it goes! Ask him out! I agree with what all the others have already wisely said better than I ever could! I completely agree with what divine1966 has already wisely said! Try to understand what are his hobbies and what would he like to do with you! Perhaps you could start from there! Just try to be yourself! I understand why you'd feel shy! That's perfectly normal! I'm so sorry you've been through such an horrible relationship! Please don't let that dictate how you should live your life! There's nothing wrong with asking out a man and taking decision! The age difference is not that big in my opinion and it's perfectly acceptable! If he has a problem, I'm sure he'll let you know! I'd suggest to just ask him out and see how it goes from there. Try not to think too much about what may go wrong, otherwise you'll feel stuck! Just go for it! Perhaps you could try to do some meditation exercises before asking him out! I believe there are many great videos on YouTube about all of this! As for discovering yourself and experimenting, you're doing that already! By asking out other people and getting to know them, you're already in your path to self-discovery! Please recognize that and be proud of yourself! I hope you'll decide to ask him out! If it's not, that's perfectly ok! Perhaps things will get better next time! Just keep trying and NEVER give up! That's the most important thing that you can do! Just try to do your best! That's all you can do after all and it's more than enough! Be yourself, keep trying and keep fighting, Skulls&Crossbones! You're a strong, wonderful person! You're awesome! You're strong! You're a warrior! I believe in you! We all believe in you! We're all rooting for you! We're all cheering you on! Keep fighting! I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this, Skulls&Crossbones! Sending many hugs to you, Skulls&Crossbones!
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Default Apr 02, 2019 at 12:17 PM
  #33
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Do you know what he likes? Like art of music or history? Then you canaif he’s like to a new exhibit? Or you contact him in writing like on Facebook, it would be less stressful?
Well, we're both musicians and pre-service teachers, but I don't really go to a lot of live music jam sessions or concerts around here, so I'm not entirely sure what all is going on. Could I ask him? I like getting coffee, beer tasting, happy hour, going to the local gay bar...don't know if any of those would be okay.

Also, for whatever reason, adding anyone on Facebook (whether I have feelings or not) makes me anxious. So I haven't added him yet.

Quote:
Originally Posted by TishaBuv View Post
You have great insight into yourself and what is really going on deep within you here.

This may sound crude, but think about what literally makes your body get aroused. Do you get all tingly around men, women, both? When you masturbate, think about what it is that gets you aroused.
Both, although I think it's a lot easier/more common for me to be aroused by women. I do seem to be feeling something around him. When I masturbate, I almost exclusively watch gay or lesbian porn. I imagine some of my attraction to men is from a male perspective. My gender identity has always been in between/masculine and I have a hard time really considering myself a "woman". I recognized I have female parts and have a period and all that, but it doesn't quite feel right to identify as such. I wouldn't say I was 100% a "man" either. I can be effeminate and I don't necessarily identify with traditional masculinity. It's a difficult thing to explain...I have gender dysphoria, but it isn't constant and not always debilitating. I don't care so much about the genitals of a partner, but I worry about the gender role I would get forced into with a guy, especially a straight male. And I do want to know what it would be like with a girl.

Quote:
Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky View Post
I'm so sorry you're hurting so much, Skulls&Crossbones I'd suggest to just go for it and see how it goes! Ask him out! I agree with what all the others have already wisely said better than I ever could! I completely agree with what divine1966 has already wisely said! Try to understand what are his hobbies and what would he like to do with you! Perhaps you could start from there! Just try to be yourself! I understand why you'd feel shy! That's perfectly normal! I'm so sorry you've been through such an horrible relationship! Please don't let that dictate how you should live your life! There's nothing wrong with asking out a man and taking decision! The age difference is not that big in my opinion and it's perfectly acceptable! If he has a problem, I'm sure he'll let you know! I'd suggest to just ask him out and see how it goes from there. Try not to think too much about what may go wrong, otherwise you'll feel stuck! Just go for it! Perhaps you could try to do some meditation exercises before asking him out! I believe there are many great videos on YouTube about all of this! As for discovering yourself and experimenting, you're doing that already! By asking out other people and getting to know them, you're already in your path to self-discovery! Please recognize that and be proud of yourself! I hope you'll decide to ask him out! If it's not, that's perfectly ok! Perhaps things will get better next time! Just keep trying and NEVER give up! That's the most important thing that you can do! Just try to do your best! That's all you can do after all and it's more than enough! Be yourself, keep trying and keep fighting, Skulls&Crossbones! You're a strong, wonderful person! You're awesome! You're strong! You're a warrior! I believe in you! We all believe in you! We're all rooting for you! We're all cheering you on! Keep fighting! I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this, Skulls&Crossbones! Sending many hugs to you, Skulls&Crossbones!
To be fair, being myself has lost me most important relationships so I feel pretty leery about that. I'm used to people not understanding and not trying to understand. To people telling me who I am and not having room to explore gender expression. I don't feel particularly comfortable talking about gender with someone who isn't LGBT. Not to say they can't understand or be accepting, I just don't expect it.
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Default Apr 02, 2019 at 01:28 PM
  #34
Id not invite him to gay bar, some straights might not enjoy it. Especially the first time. Meeting for coffee is the best. Or for a drink, if you drink. But inviting to music event might be less pressure, it might not sound like a date, just you looking for a company to listen to a concert.
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Default Apr 02, 2019 at 02:57 PM
  #35
Inviting someone to a music event would be less pressure for them but more for me. I’d have to find one I’m comfortable going to and actually want to go to.

What I really wish was if there was something I could help him with...I offered to help him with a class assignment since it was something I’ve done professionally (although on a small scale) but he didn’t want/need help on that so I’m not sure what to do next. If I invite him for coffee sometime, what would be the given reason? If he doesn’t want my help with anything in the classes we have together, then I don’t know.

The more I think about it, the more I realize asking someone to do something with me is unnatural. I rarely have any idea of what I would want to do and usually go with what other people suggest. I rarely even ask friends to hang out. My ex came up with most of the ideas of what we would do for dates. A lot of times I couldn't think of what to do. I liked going to bars...although he did like talking to other people if there was a group, the bartender, or some random person at the bar so sometimes I was waiting awkwardly for a while. One time he struck up a conversation with a stranger for an hour.

Maybe a bar is not a good choice anyway, but I can't come up with a reason to invite him to coffee.

Last edited by Skull&Crossbones; Apr 02, 2019 at 05:22 PM..
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Default Apr 03, 2019 at 11:56 AM
  #36
I still didn't get much of a chance to even talk to him, let alone ask him out. I still keep wondering if it's a good idea, I mean pursuing a guy at all. I do feel down about the whole thing. I shouldn't entertain such stupid ideas such as dating or feelings. I'll be married to my job anyway.
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Default Apr 03, 2019 at 12:29 PM
  #37
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I still didn't get much of a chance to even talk to him, let alone ask him out. I still keep wondering if it's a good idea, I mean pursuing a guy at all. I do feel down about the whole thing. I shouldn't entertain such stupid ideas such as dating or feelings. I'll be married to my job anyway.
Even if you have all consuming job that you love and it consumes much of your thoughts and times, still you need more in life than that. I understand having hard time approaching this guy, personally I’d probably do it in writing
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Default Apr 03, 2019 at 01:25 PM
  #38
I don't ever get what I need. At least with something like teaching, I can pour love into it and there's the social interaction. I'm beginning to think I'm extroverted but very shy. My favorite days are when I'm surrounded by tons of people all day, especially people that I'm comfortable enough to be myself (and actually talk) around. That environment meets my needs well enough as long as I'm there but there's a feeling of loss when I leave and go home to an empty quiet apartment. I guess I could just buy a new video game system and spend my spare time playing video games...there's a sort of interaction with that. I have a friend that works the door at one of my favorite bars so I can go there sometimes and sometimes spend time with coworkers too (but maybe not so much because almost everyone else has a spouse and/or family).

I'm not sure how to approach it writing either. I keep thinking that adding him on Facebook when I think of it would just seem random. That would probably be the easiest way to do it in writing, but I have no confidence in doing anything socially. I also keep wondering if he just deserves better too. I'm too damaged at this point.
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Default Apr 03, 2019 at 02:03 PM
  #39
What does your t think?
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Default Apr 03, 2019 at 02:18 PM
  #40
I also found out he has two cats and I've experienced a pet's needs and feelings being given more importance than mine. And I don't mean in an emergency situation like a pet is sick or something...I mean all the time. I'm just made to feel guilty because he's spending time with me rather than his poor lonely cat.

And so if THIS person has two cats, that bumps me down the list of priorities again. I'd like to be in the top three or four. I mean, I'll never compete with a job, real family, and maybe not friends either so that places me already third or fourth on the list of importance. But I'd love to find someone without pets so I don't have to be knocked down to fifth or lower in importance. I'd love to be more important than an animal.
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