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Default Mar 18, 2019 at 12:14 AM
  #1
So this is embarrassing...I seem to have developed a crush on a guy in a couple of my classes this semester...and for the stupidest of reasons (which I'm too embarrassed to share). So the biggest problem is I've somewhat developed a disgust and fear of being intimate with a guy due to previous experiences and I might be more attracted to women anyway. I would consider myself bisexual, but why would I develop a crush on a guy after the experiences I've had? When I was relieved that I no longer had to be with a guy and might be able to finally be with a woman for once? I don't know what to do. Do I pursue and try to find out if I could possibly enjoy a straight sex life or just ignore it? And if I did pursue this, what would I do? Would I even disclose sexuality/gender/how apprehensive I would be about sex? I hate being bisexual...there are so many more men available so you're more likely to pursue one of them and then once again erasing part of your sexuality.
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divine1966
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Default Mar 18, 2019 at 05:15 PM
  #2
I am not bisexual but know ton of people who are, including my daughter.

Yes she always discloses it when she meets new people. She had long term (including one cohabitated)relationships with women, at least oneremained a good friend. So she wouldn’t be able to hide it from men even if for whatever reason she wouldn’t want to disclose. No men ever objected. Her current boyfriend is straight but his late father was bisexual, after his mom passed away his dad lived with male partner for years. So obviously he didn’t find bisexuality anything to fuss about. My daughter says no one ever cares. I believe her

In my understanding homosexuality isn’t as much about sex as about who you attracted to. I’d say it’s not wring pursue whatever with whoever as long as you are nice and honest about it. Sure if you like the guy, who not go for it?
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Default Mar 18, 2019 at 08:13 PM
  #3
I’ve never been with a woman, that’s the issue. I don’t want to give up that chance because it hurt so much being “straight” before. And my past sexual experience with men has been bad...I’d be hesitant to try again. Gender is an issue as well...I’m more masculine and I dislike being forced into the female role both romantically and sexually as I am with straight men. Who knows? Maybe my attraction to men is more I want to be them rather than I want to be with them? Or because living the straight life is so much easier. I also feel like a fraud for only being with men. It’s always like that’s what’s available and that’s what I have to settle for. But yet I’m drawn to him.
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Default Mar 19, 2019 at 05:11 AM
  #4
Have you tried looking for a female partner or at least maybe try to get a date? Are there any places where you can meet a woman? I’d go for it to see if you really prefer women. You might not have gender preference. Or you might. Go for it

I don’t understand why you have to settle for a man if you aren’t that interested in them. I agree that being straight is easier. But you are who you are. In 2019 you don’t need to settle.
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Default Mar 19, 2019 at 05:19 AM
  #5
I find it hard to be a bisexual woman, because women aren't interested in me. I tried online dating and messaged a lot of women who didn't message me back or told me they weren't interested or disappeared on me before we even met. Maybe it's the area I live in or maybe there's something about me that's a turn-off to women.

I don't care for straight intercourse at all and honestly think I would enjoy sex with a woman more, but I can't find a woman who will go for it.

Sorry, I don't know if this helps you Skull. But just want to let you know I feel your pain.
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Default Mar 19, 2019 at 06:54 AM
  #6
I don’t think not enjoying intercourse is a sign of necessarily liking same sex. I think attraction to same or opposite gender isn’t necessarilly determined by what kind of sex act one likes. The whole thing is more complex than sex. You can be in love and in a romantic relationship with no sexual actuvity at all (for example due to physical limitations).
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Default Mar 19, 2019 at 09:51 AM
  #7
Sure, other people can do that. I have a fairly high sex drive that I’ve tried to suppress but I can’t. If the sex doesn’t work, I’d rather just be friends. Why do other people get to enjoy it and I never get to? I used to think I could have satisfying sex with a man but I was with one for four years and I think that was part of the reason we couldn’t stay together. I am having trouble imagining sex with a man being anything but the painful and frustrating act that I endured for four years. It seems like my only chance to enjoy it would be with a woman. I guess if that’s just as frustrating I can just spend my life alone taking care of my own sexual needs. I mean, that’s pretty much what a relationship with a guy is for me anyway.
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Default Mar 19, 2019 at 03:02 PM
  #8
There's also the whole I have to remove all my body hair (maybe not arms, but who knows) and go back to wearing "girl" clothes when I was planning on buying more men's clothes when I had more money and had someone to go with me so I felt safe doing so. There is a lot of pressure to conform to a specific gender role for a gender I don't particularly identify with when being involved with a man. THAT'S why it's so embarrassing and frustrating to be drawn to and attracted to a man when I know I have to give up everything I am for him to be comfortable. Or for his family to be okay with me. Obviously, a partner's family will always be WAY more important than me. If I even get into the top five list of priorities and importance in someone's life, that's a win. If I can be myself and I am actually seen for who I am and even understood and accepted, I mean that would be crazy! I absolutely do not expect a man to do so. I imagine a woman could. So why am I still attracted to men? As in, why would it be more than just a passing fancy, why do I feel drawn to someone who is incapable of even accepting me and will just shove me into a role that I don't fit?

And I'm also thinking about the other person...someone else could potentially get hurt if I pursue as well.

My therapist suggested I add him on Facebook, but that seems way too forward. I mean, I don't add anyone to Facebook. If someone adds me and I know them, then I'll confirm, but I don't initiate.
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Default Mar 20, 2019 at 07:29 AM
  #9
Have you considered the fact that you may be gay instead of bisexual? I know several lesbians who thought they were bi because society tells women we're nothing without a man and you tend to internalize that ****. I think women are deeply socialized to be attracted to men when in fact once they consider the option of women, some start dating women and never look back. I know that the dating pool for lesbians and bi women is small but it's possible to find someone. All the lesbians I know are in a relationship. Most of the time they used online dating (Tinder, Okupid) because lesbian bars are rare and disappearing. Of course it depends on your location. In my experience, lesbians don't care about body hair. Men on the other hand care about that crap. All in all, loads of lesbians/bi women start dating women when they are a bit older so trust me, that's not a problem if you don't have in any experience in that department. All I'm saying is, why not try dating a woman? It's not as difficult as you think although I understand it can feel that way at first.
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Default Mar 20, 2019 at 09:25 AM
  #10
I’ve often considered that I’m gay. Of all the women I’ve been interested in over the years, they’re either not available, straight, or not interested enough. I can’t use online dating because of the industry I’m going into (someone could find it and something on there would probably be an ethics violation). I’ve gone to LGBT events, but I always connect with the men and rarely get to talk to the women (they have their cliques and clearly I’m not enough of a feminist or whatever to be included). And like you said, they’re all in relationships anyway. If there’s no women available I guess I could try to make it work with a guy...maybe I can tell for sure if I’m gay or not?
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Default Mar 23, 2019 at 02:30 PM
  #11
I should see this guy again on Monday...I'm still not 100% sure what to do. Even if I was dead set on him, it would be inappropriate to pursue because I am seen as female and he is male. I've had too many bad reactions when pursuing males. It's not the proper forced gender roles! But then I may never get an opportunity to date ever again so I don't know...
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Default Mar 23, 2019 at 04:05 PM
  #12
Nothing wrong with asking guys out. Who cares about gender roles. Not like you are forcing yourself on men. If he isn’t interested he’d say no, what do you have to lose
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Default Mar 23, 2019 at 04:21 PM
  #13
And what if it comes across like I am forcing myself on him? I am quite a bit older than him. He doesn't know exactly how much but he might do the math and have a pretty good guess. I'm not sure how to approach it without being overly intimidating. I'm not sure I've really asked someone out before. Guys are usually scared off or angry about how I approach them.

About what I have to lose...if the rejection is respectful and not intentionally hurtful, just confidence. If he is cruel about it like what's happened in the past...I probably won't pursue a man again. It would do a lot of damage to me.
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Default Mar 23, 2019 at 06:35 PM
  #14
Forcing yourself on people would be you ask him for coffee and he says no thanks and you keep harassing and stalking him. Simply asking a person isn’t forcing no one. He isn’t obligated to date you.

I asked men out before no big deal. One became friend for life because when we worked together 20 years ago I asked him out but we ended up mostly just hanging out. Romance wasn’t really in the cards mostly on his part. Lol he was in medical school then. We hung out until he moved out of the area and we’ve been in touch since then. He sometimes comes back to the area. He is 6 years younger than me. I wrote him a note with my phone number and asked him to give me a phone call. I was 33 and he was 26, I am 53 now.

The bottom line is you’d never know unless you ask. If he gets angry then you don’t need him anyways. Do it in indirect way like write a note or message him on FB if you feel shy
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Default Mar 23, 2019 at 08:15 PM
  #15
I’m too shy to add him (or anyone) on Facebook! I also have a hard time seeing how me asking him out for coffee in the first place isn’t forcing myself on him. It’s funny, I can give an impromptu speech in front of a crowd no problem and otherwise perform in front of people more or less okay but I’m too shy to ask someone out or even say hi to someone I haven’t talked to in a while.
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Default Mar 23, 2019 at 08:39 PM
  #16
I understand being too shy. But forcing himself on someone means giving them no choice. Like putting them in a position to not be able to say no. Or perhaps if you approach him aggressively grabbing him or in a sexually suggestive manner. Simply starting conversation or even making suggestion is not forcing yourself on anyone.
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Default Mar 23, 2019 at 09:43 PM
  #17
I guess it's because I was in a relationship with someone who usually felt like they had no choice in things...so I guess I feel like I'm forcing myself on someone unless they make all the moves/decisions.

I guess for his sake, I can't do anything. I'll just continue how I was by being interested and complementary. It might be for the best if I don't end up with a guy anyway.

And age-wise, he's probably 22/23 and I'm 30 which would be creepy if I pursue him at all. If he pursues me, then that saves me. It makes me at least less of a monster.
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Default Mar 23, 2019 at 09:53 PM
  #18
How are you a monster? So what he is 23? I dated a guy 7 years younger than me before, who cares? The guy you’ve been with is full of it, he had no choice in things? Only minor children or incapacitated people have little choice. He had a choice
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Default Mar 23, 2019 at 10:18 PM
  #19
If I were a guy and he was a girl, I'd be labeled a perv.

And he does have some similarities with my ex...military background, similar hair/eye color...it's just embarrassing, I never thought this was my "type". I guess it's the type I have a chance with. Well for a date maybe...nothing long-term if he ever gets to really know me, just like I'd have no chance with any straight man long term.

I am also still embarrassed by why I became interested in him in the first place. It's even more stupid than what led me to develop feelings for my ex.
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Default Mar 23, 2019 at 10:21 PM
  #20
You are too harsh on yourself. No it’s not being a perv for 30 year old to date 23 year old. Of any gender
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