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Old 03-18-2019, 12:14 AM #1
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Default Not sure what to do

So this is embarrassing...I seem to have developed a crush on a guy in a couple of my classes this semester...and for the stupidest of reasons (which I'm too embarrassed to share). So the biggest problem is I've somewhat developed a disgust and fear of being intimate with a guy due to previous experiences and I might be more attracted to women anyway. I would consider myself bisexual, but why would I develop a crush on a guy after the experiences I've had? When I was relieved that I no longer had to be with a guy and might be able to finally be with a woman for once? I don't know what to do. Do I pursue and try to find out if I could possibly enjoy a straight sex life or just ignore it? And if I did pursue this, what would I do? Would I even disclose sexuality/gender/how apprehensive I would be about sex? I hate being bisexual...there are so many more men available so you're more likely to pursue one of them and then once again erasing part of your sexuality.
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Old 03-18-2019, 05:15 PM #2
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Default Re: Not sure what to do

I am not bisexual but know ton of people who are, including my daughter.

Yes she always discloses it when she meets new people. She had long term (including one cohabitated)relationships with women, at least oneremained a good friend. So she wouldnít be able to hide it from men even if for whatever reason she wouldnít want to disclose. No men ever objected. Her current boyfriend is straight but his late father was bisexual, after his mom passed away his dad lived with male partner for years. So obviously he didnít find bisexuality anything to fuss about. My daughter says no one ever cares. I believe her

In my understanding homosexuality isnít as much about sex as about who you attracted to. Iíd say itís not wring pursue whatever with whoever as long as you are nice and honest about it. Sure if you like the guy, who not go for it?
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Old 03-18-2019, 08:13 PM #3
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Default Re: Not sure what to do

Iíve never been with a woman, thatís the issue. I donít want to give up that chance because it hurt so much being ďstraightĒ before. And my past sexual experience with men has been bad...Iíd be hesitant to try again. Gender is an issue as well...Iím more masculine and I dislike being forced into the female role both romantically and sexually as I am with straight men. Who knows? Maybe my attraction to men is more I want to be them rather than I want to be with them? Or because living the straight life is so much easier. I also feel like a fraud for only being with men. Itís always like thatís whatís available and thatís what I have to settle for. But yet Iím drawn to him.
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Old 03-19-2019, 05:11 AM #4
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Default Re: Not sure what to do

Have you tried looking for a female partner or at least maybe try to get a date? Are there any places where you can meet a woman? Iíd go for it to see if you really prefer women. You might not have gender preference. Or you might. Go for it

I donít understand why you have to settle for a man if you arenít that interested in them. I agree that being straight is easier. But you are who you are. In 2019 you donít need to settle.
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Old 03-19-2019, 05:19 AM #5
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Default Re: Not sure what to do

I find it hard to be a bisexual woman, because women aren't interested in me. I tried online dating and messaged a lot of women who didn't message me back or told me they weren't interested or disappeared on me before we even met. Maybe it's the area I live in or maybe there's something about me that's a turn-off to women.

I don't care for straight intercourse at all and honestly think I would enjoy sex with a woman more, but I can't find a woman who will go for it.

Sorry, I don't know if this helps you Skull. But just want to let you know I feel your pain.
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Old 03-19-2019, 06:54 AM #6
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Default Re: Not sure what to do

I donít think not enjoying intercourse is a sign of necessarily liking same sex. I think attraction to same or opposite gender isnít necessarilly determined by what kind of sex act one likes. The whole thing is more complex than sex. You can be in love and in a romantic relationship with no sexual actuvity at all (for example due to physical limitations).
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Old 03-19-2019, 09:51 AM #7
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Default Re: Not sure what to do

Sure, other people can do that. I have a fairly high sex drive that Iíve tried to suppress but I canít. If the sex doesnít work, Iíd rather just be friends. Why do other people get to enjoy it and I never get to? I used to think I could have satisfying sex with a man but I was with one for four years and I think that was part of the reason we couldnít stay together. I am having trouble imagining sex with a man being anything but the painful and frustrating act that I endured for four years. It seems like my only chance to enjoy it would be with a woman. I guess if thatís just as frustrating I can just spend my life alone taking care of my own sexual needs. I mean, thatís pretty much what a relationship with a guy is for me anyway.
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Old 03-19-2019, 03:02 PM #8
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Default Re: Not sure what to do

There's also the whole I have to remove all my body hair (maybe not arms, but who knows) and go back to wearing "girl" clothes when I was planning on buying more men's clothes when I had more money and had someone to go with me so I felt safe doing so. There is a lot of pressure to conform to a specific gender role for a gender I don't particularly identify with when being involved with a man. THAT'S why it's so embarrassing and frustrating to be drawn to and attracted to a man when I know I have to give up everything I am for him to be comfortable. Or for his family to be okay with me. Obviously, a partner's family will always be WAY more important than me. If I even get into the top five list of priorities and importance in someone's life, that's a win. If I can be myself and I am actually seen for who I am and even understood and accepted, I mean that would be crazy! I absolutely do not expect a man to do so. I imagine a woman could. So why am I still attracted to men? As in, why would it be more than just a passing fancy, why do I feel drawn to someone who is incapable of even accepting me and will just shove me into a role that I don't fit?

And I'm also thinking about the other person...someone else could potentially get hurt if I pursue as well.

My therapist suggested I add him on Facebook, but that seems way too forward. I mean, I don't add anyone to Facebook. If someone adds me and I know them, then I'll confirm, but I don't initiate.
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Old 03-20-2019, 07:29 AM #9
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Default Re: Not sure what to do

Have you considered the fact that you may be gay instead of bisexual? I know several lesbians who thought they were bi because society tells women we're nothing without a man and you tend to internalize that ****. I think women are deeply socialized to be attracted to men when in fact once they consider the option of women, some start dating women and never look back. I know that the dating pool for lesbians and bi women is small but it's possible to find someone. All the lesbians I know are in a relationship. Most of the time they used online dating (Tinder, Okupid) because lesbian bars are rare and disappearing. Of course it depends on your location. In my experience, lesbians don't care about body hair. Men on the other hand care about that crap. All in all, loads of lesbians/bi women start dating women when they are a bit older so trust me, that's not a problem if you don't have in any experience in that department. All I'm saying is, why not try dating a woman? It's not as difficult as you think although I understand it can feel that way at first.
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Old 03-20-2019, 09:25 AM #10
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Default Re: Not sure what to do

Iíve often considered that Iím gay. Of all the women Iíve been interested in over the years, theyíre either not available, straight, or not interested enough. I canít use online dating because of the industry Iím going into (someone could find it and something on there would probably be an ethics violation). Iíve gone to LGBT events, but I always connect with the men and rarely get to talk to the women (they have their cliques and clearly Iím not enough of a feminist or whatever to be included). And like you said, theyíre all in relationships anyway. If thereís no women available I guess I could try to make it work with a guy...maybe I can tell for sure if Iím gay or not?
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