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Old 03-19-2019, 10:33 AM   #11
TishaBuv
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Default Re: Neuroticism

Itís a shame being too insecure about abandonment becomes the reason someone will break up with you. It becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.

She may be given some diagnosis if she sees a therapist about it.

Iíve been given a diagnosis along the lines with what your gf is dysfunctional about. However Iíve never been unreasonably insecure, clingy, or jealous.

I suggest you have an honest talk with her to say how her insecurity is unfounded because you care for her. Then if she doesnít let up, another talk about how her behavior is not working for a relationship with you. Donít play into it. She may not be right for you then. And you will break up.
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Old 03-19-2019, 10:43 AM   #12
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Neuroticism? I think you are confusing this with other issues. This need not even be mental health related. It simply could be a learned response based on prior events.

Let us assume for a moment however that this could be a mental health problem. My thoughts immediately think Anxiety and/or Depression. The root of these may lie in poor self-esteem and a lack of self-worth.

I believe you need to consider what exactly is triggering these thoughts to begin with.

If it is a self-worth issue, she will need to work this out obviously and with a little help from yourself. This doesn't mean constantly telling her she is beautiful, etc (there comes a point that being told this over and over again makes it no longer believable). It means drawing attention to and celebrating the little 'wins' in her life. Having a successful day at work might translate to saying, "I am proud of you." Making a meal could turn into a simple, "I really liked this." Even the offer to share doing things is a sign of appreciation, for this - sending her the signal she is APPRECIATED is the single biggest and most important act you can do.

Finally, I must ask here about your own habits. You may need to evaluate what your own actions may be signalling to her. For instance, communicating often with women that aren't her is a big red flag in my own books - particularly if any of these women are confidants. She has got to be your priority. Texting other women, etc might need to be curbed if this is a deal breaker for her - which she has every right to insist upon. This could in fact break the deal. What I am really trying to say here is that her boundaries need to be observed. If you cannot respect them then you need to consider if the relationship is right for you. This goes the other way too so that the two of you need to make your own concessions and come to an agreement.
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Old 03-19-2019, 10:50 AM   #13
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Exactly! I took issue with not being respected in not little, but in outrageous ways. I handled it in an unhealthy way; instead of kicking the offender to the curb, I took the mistreatment and let it get the best of me.
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Old 03-19-2019, 01:10 PM   #14
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Default Re: Neuroticism

Quote:
Originally Posted by WishfulThinker66 View Post
Neuroticism? I think you are confusing this with other issues. This need not even be mental health related. It simply could be a learned response based on prior events.

Let us assume for a moment however that this could be a mental health problem. My thoughts immediately think Anxiety and/or Depression. The root of these may lie in poor self-esteem and a lack of self-worth.

I believe you need to consider what exactly is triggering these thoughts to begin with.

If it is a self-worth issue, she will need to work this out obviously and with a little help from yourself. This doesn't mean constantly telling her she is beautiful, etc (there comes a point that being told this over and over again makes it no longer believable). It means drawing attention to and celebrating the little 'wins' in her life. Having a successful day at work might translate to saying, "I am proud of you." Making a meal could turn into a simple, "I really liked this." Even the offer to share doing things is a sign of appreciation, for this - sending her the signal she is APPRECIATED is the single biggest and most important act you can do.

Finally, I must ask here about your own habits. You may need to evaluate what your own actions may be signalling to her. For instance, communicating often with women that aren't her is a big red flag in my own books - particularly if any of these women are confidants. She has got to be your priority. Texting other women, etc might need to be curbed if this is a deal breaker for her - which she has every right to insist upon. This could in fact break the deal. What I am really trying to say here is that her boundaries need to be observed. If you cannot respect them then you need to consider if the relationship is right for you. This goes the other way too so that the two of you need to make your own concessions and come to an agreement.
I'm fine with this. So you think it could be just her setting boundaries?
I'm not sure it's a mental health issue either, it's a trait of the big 5.
I'm fine with not texting or talking to other women, but she watching every woman to see if I look in their direction. I would like to make her more comfortable with me, it just seems impossible sometimes.
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Old 03-19-2019, 01:46 PM   #15
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She would do anything I ask of her. I spend the lat 2 years in IC. I have a good understanding of psychology, I guess. I'm afraid I may be to close to the situation to see it clearly.
My thought on individual as opposed to couples counseling is sometimes, there are times in couples counseling where one or the other feels singled out/attacked etc. Maybe a goal of individual for a year then try couples?
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Old 03-19-2019, 02:18 PM   #16
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Hello, I'm new here and I'm searching everywhere for good advice. I'm been divorced 1 year. I have a new GF who is very neurotic. Everyday she thinks I'm going to leave her for someone better. I want to have a long future with her, but I'm afraid she will this never get better. Any advice on what I can do to make this work out for the long term would be helpful. Thanks.

Hello Mr.Brains. Good post. Thanks for sharing. Sorry you and your girlfriend are in this tough situation. Honestly, she does not sound like she is in the right place to be having a close relationship with you right now. Stability is an important foundation for any relationship. You cannot make another person stable or secure. Individuals need to address their self-esteem issues and insecurity independently prior to a serious relationship with someone else. She is essentially projecting her insecurity onto you. If she were just needing some gentle reassurance or affirmation from time to time (nothing wrong with that) it would not be a problem. However, you say this is a daily occurrence. I don't think you endeavoring to make her more secure, or her looking to you for all of her security, will be the path to peace for either of you. I recommend that you take a step back and think about yourself and your needs. A relationship should enhance your life. Same for her. Is her life being enhanced by not addressing her insecurity and projecting it onto you each day?

"I'm fine with not texting or talking to other women, but she watching every woman to see if I look in their direction. I would like to make her more comfortable with me, it just seems impossible sometimes."

Your instinct is valid here. This level of insecurity could devolve into emotional abuse whereby you are punished for her negative thoughts about herself. I'm not saying she is currently doing that. But very insecure partners are often very jealous as you indicated above. That is not the path to peace for either of you.

I don't know if you mentioned talking with a therapist. If you do, I recommend first going alone and talking through your side of things. Remember that you cannot make another person secure within themselves because you cannot delete their thoughts. They need to work on managing those thoughts themselves or with strategies from a therapist. A boyfriend or girlfriend should not be in the role of therapist. That is a very different role.

I wish you and your girlfriend peace and hope.
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Old 03-20-2019, 07:27 AM   #17
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Default Re: Neuroticism

If I were dating a guy, and I noticed him constantly following other women with his eyes while he was with me, Iíd tell him I found that creepy and stop seeing him. Are you checking out other women right in front of her? Is this a case of you were looking too intensely at other women and are now trying to stop? Is she watching you intensely to see if you are watching them? Lol, exhausting!
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Old 03-20-2019, 10:02 AM   #18
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Default Re: Neuroticism

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If I were dating a guy, and I noticed him constantly following other women with his eyes while he was with me, Iíd tell him I found that creepy and stop seeing him. Are you checking out other women right in front of her? Is this a case of you were looking too intensely at other women and are now trying to stop? Is she watching you intensely to see if you are watching them? Lol, exhausting!
LOL no. Mostly it's about women I never see or recognize, in passing. I have no interest in gawking (AKA checking out) at other women.
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