Neuroticism

Hello, I'm new here and I'm searching everywhere for good advice. I'm been divorced 1 year. I have a new GF who is very neurotic. Everyday she thinks I'm going to leave her for someone better. I want to have a long future with her, but I'm afraid she will this never get better. Any advice on what I can do to make this work out for the long term would be helpful. Thanks.

That sounds awfully debilitating of a fear. A lack of object constancy. I'm not sure there's much that you can do, as an individual to sooth her fears-real or imagined.
There is couple's counseling, of course. But how open is she to the idea of individual counseling, even if both of you see different ones concurrently?

Do you know if it’s just neuroticism or if there something else going on? Could it be anything like a personality disorder? I’m not saying it Has to be I’m just curious.

I really don't know. I do love her and would like for this to work long term, but I'm looking for some advice on how others may have handled this kind of thing?

She would do anything I ask of her. I spend the lat 2 years in IC. I have a good understanding of psychology, I guess. I'm afraid I may be to close to the situation to see it clearly.

You've only been divorced a year and are already planning a long future with a new girlfriend. Now I understand that people are all different in getting past break ups but for the life of me, I cannot help but think it's very quick to be making decisions like that after something like a divorce. Not only because of the break up but since you've only been divorced a year you can't have been with this new girl for all that long and you're already finding reasons to try and change her.

I stand by my idea that if you go into a new relationship and are trying to find ways to fix and/or change the other, likely it's not a solid ground to begin with. Regardless of what issues they have, if they need to change in order to be the person you are content with being in a relationship with, it kind of goes against the idea that they are right for you. don't make plans for long term based on ideas that may not happen.

I'm so sorry you're hurting so much, MrBrains I'm afraid you can't do much more other than being there for her and reminding her that you'll always love her. If she has some problems, she's the one that needs to work on it. I'd sugges to make her try therapy if she wants. Maybe that could help. She could learn new ways to cope with her feelings. Remember that you can only do so much to help her. The final decision is up to her. Just try to be near her if she needs support and try to make her get help. If she refuses to get help, then I'm afraid you'll have to seriously reconsider the relationship you have with her. I'm so sorry, it must be very stressful for you. I hope things will get better for you one way or another. I'd suggest to talk to her about this and see how it goes from there. Make her understand how much this is important for you. Hopefully she'll listen to what you have to say and understand her. If she doesn't, you may want to move on from this relationship and take some time for yourself. I'm so sorry, I know it's not easy. I agree with what all the others have already wisely said better than I ever could. You've been given some great advice in this thread. I'd suggest to follow it if you can. You need to take care of yourself as well. Remember that we're here for you if you need it. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this, MrBrains. Please don't give up. I'm sure you'll be able to get through all of this. You're a strong, wonderful person

That doesn’t sound like neuroticism. It sounds like attachment issues and fear of abandonment. What other things does she do that drive you crazy? Neuroticism is a big label so surely there are more things...

She experiences feelings like anxiety, worry, fear, frustration, envy, jealousy, guilt, depressed mood, and loneliness.
So yes she is quite neurotic.

I fine with a relationship. I've spent the last 2 years in IC and my wife checked out of our marriage many years ago. "finding reasons to try and change her"...Do you have experience with someone that's high in neuroticism? What kind of personality trait is right for someone that's high in neurotocism? Having a vision and a plan of my future is not a bad idea..is it?

It’s a shame being too insecure about abandonment becomes the reason someone will break up with you. It becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.

She may be given some diagnosis if she sees a therapist about it.

I’ve been given a diagnosis along the lines with what your gf is dysfunctional about. However I’ve never been unreasonably insecure, clingy, or jealous.

I suggest you have an honest talk with her to say how her insecurity is unfounded because you care for her. Then if she doesn’t let up, another talk about how her behavior is not working for a relationship with you. Don’t play into it. She may not be right for you then. And you will break up.

Neuroticism? I think you are confusing this with other issues. This need not even be mental health related. It simply could be a learned response based on prior events.

Let us assume for a moment however that this could be a mental health problem. My thoughts immediately think Anxiety and/or Depression. The root of these may lie in poor self-esteem and a lack of self-worth.

I believe you need to consider what exactly is triggering these thoughts to begin with.

If it is a self-worth issue, she will need to work this out obviously and with a little help from yourself. This doesn't mean constantly telling her she is beautiful, etc (there comes a point that being told this over and over again makes it no longer believable). It means drawing attention to and celebrating the little 'wins' in her life. Having a successful day at work might translate to saying, "I am proud of you." Making a meal could turn into a simple, "I really liked this." Even the offer to share doing things is a sign of appreciation, for this - sending her the signal she is APPRECIATED is the single biggest and most important act you can do.

Finally, I must ask here about your own habits. You may need to evaluate what your own actions may be signalling to her. For instance, communicating often with women that aren't her is a big red flag in my own books - particularly if any of these women are confidants. She has got to be your priority. Texting other women, etc might need to be curbed if this is a deal breaker for her - which she has every right to insist upon. This could in fact break the deal. What I am really trying to say here is that her boundaries need to be observed. If you cannot respect them then you need to consider if the relationship is right for you. This goes the other way too so that the two of you need to make your own concessions and come to an agreement.

Exactly! I took issue with not being respected in not little, but in outrageous ways. I handled it in an unhealthy way; instead of kicking the offender to the curb, I took the mistreatment and let it get the best of me.

I'm fine with this. So you think it could be just her setting boundaries?
I'm not sure it's a mental health issue either, it's a trait of the big 5.
I'm fine with not texting or talking to other women, but she watching every woman to see if I look in their direction. I would like to make her more comfortable with me, it just seems impossible sometimes.

My thought on individual as opposed to couples counseling is sometimes, there are times in couples counseling where one or the other feels singled out/attacked etc. Maybe a goal of individual for a year then try couples?

Hello Mr.Brains. Good post. Thanks for sharing. Sorry you and your girlfriend are in this tough situation. Honestly, she does not sound like she is in the right place to be having a close relationship with you right now. Stability is an important foundation for any relationship. You cannot make another person stable or secure. Individuals need to address their self-esteem issues and insecurity independently prior to a serious relationship with someone else. She is essentially projecting her insecurity onto you. If she were just needing some gentle reassurance or affirmation from time to time (nothing wrong with that) it would not be a problem. However, you say this is a daily occurrence. I don't think you endeavoring to make her more secure, or her looking to you for all of her security, will be the path to peace for either of you. I recommend that you take a step back and think about yourself and your needs. A relationship should enhance your life. Same for her. Is her life being enhanced by not addressing her insecurity and projecting it onto you each day?

"I'm fine with not texting or talking to other women, but she watching every woman to see if I look in their direction. I would like to make her more comfortable with me, it just seems impossible sometimes."

Your instinct is valid here. This level of insecurity could devolve into emotional abuse whereby you are punished for her negative thoughts about herself. I'm not saying she is currently doing that. But very insecure partners are often very jealous as you indicated above. That is not the path to peace for either of you.

I don't know if you mentioned talking with a therapist. If you do, I recommend first going alone and talking through your side of things. Remember that you cannot make another person secure within themselves because you cannot delete their thoughts. They need to work on managing those thoughts themselves or with strategies from a therapist. A boyfriend or girlfriend should not be in the role of therapist. That is a very different role.

I wish you and your girlfriend peace and hope.

If I were dating a guy, and I noticed him constantly following other women with his eyes while he was with me, I’d tell him I found that creepy and stop seeing him. Are you checking out other women right in front of her? Is this a case of you were looking too intensely at other women and are now trying to stop? Is she watching you intensely to see if you are watching them? Lol, exhausting!

LOL no. Mostly it's about women I never see or recognize, in passing. I have no interest in gawking (AKA checking out) at other women.