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Old 03-21-2019, 08:39 PM #21
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Default Re: My girlfriend is upset because I don't want her to touch me.

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Originally Posted by Ptak View Post
It doesn't sound like you're being so stubborn about your boundaries, in my opinion, just that you have healthy boundaries. She sounds like the stubborn one.

You gave a lot of good information in this post in my opinion. It sounds like she's used to getting her way. Were her parents like that too? Did they let her do whatever she wanted? Regardless, it sounds like she walked all over her previous gf, at least, that's the impression you got. You don't sound sure though. I wonder why?

What other people are saying here sounds correct. It sounds like she has an issue with boundaries. I hope you keep sticking to your boundaries.
I don't think she grew up with a lot of rules, but she's such a mellow person she never really acted out anyways. I didn't mean to make it sound like she walked all over her girlfriend...really I don't have much insight into that relationship. I just know that her previous gf was insecure, and that she was apparently able to touch her without the issues she's currently having with me. She told me that she was the more dominant person in her last relationship. I found this surprising because, outside of bed (and, honestly, it it most of the time), my gf is very passive. I am always the one pushing for things and making decisions. I wonder if she's having difficulty relinquishing some of that previous control, and this is the thing she struggles with most?

To be clear, I do not strive to be the dominant one in this relationship, but I am more forward and I think that's kind of the path it's taken. I am also a better communicator, and I think that gives me another element of control, because I am able to set boundaries and voice my opinions more effectively. Just some extra thoughts...
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Old 03-21-2019, 08:47 PM #22
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Default Re: My girlfriend is upset because I don't want her to touch me.

Thanks for your thoughts, LyingEyes. Thanks for clarifying, too.

Question. Is she saying to you things like "my previous girlfriend let me touch her like that, why not you?" Apologies if you have already talked about that in this thread and I missed it.
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Old 03-21-2019, 09:31 PM #23
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Default Re: My girlfriend is upset because I don't want her to touch me.

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Thanks for your thoughts, LyingEyes. Thanks for clarifying, too.

Question. Is she saying to you things like "my previous girlfriend let me touch her like that, why not you?" Apologies if you have already talked about that in this thread and I missed it.
Hey no worries! I don't think I mentioned it. Not, she doesn't say things like this. I asked her if her last gf was ok with it so that I could try and understand the situation better.
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Old 03-22-2019, 02:55 AM #24
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Default Re: My girlfriend is upset because I don't want her to touch me.

I think you have a right to say when you would like to be touched. I am confused by her tears because its not like you never want to be touched, you just dont want to be grabbed whenever.
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Old 03-22-2019, 05:29 AM #25
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Default Re: My girlfriend is upset because I don't want her to touch me.

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Yes, I get the feeling of entitlement too. Maybe possessiveness? I really don't know. To me, it is strange, because if she told me that touching her in some way made her uncomfortable i wouldn't want to touch her like that...because I don't want to make her uncomfortable. I'm trying to like pick her brain to understand what underlying meaning it has for her. I don't want her to feel rejected, or like she has to be on eggshells around me.

I thought you made a really valuable insight here, which I bolded. You wouldn't do this yourself because you're sensitive to how she would feel about it. It doesn't seem that she disrespects you otherwise, but it feels to me like she's disregarding your own feelings?

She's taking it as a rejection, but it's not. And she feels entitled to your body without any boundaries being established. I don't know if it's a need for some control or dominance because she's more passive? You mentioned possessiveness.. is she overly possessive of you otherwise?

I guess we could sit here and analyze it to death and still not have the real answers. But I think you're onto something here. There's something going on where she's not respecting or valuing your feelings enough, I believe.

You probably wouldn't cry if she put up the same type of boundary telling you it makes you uncomfortable, nor would I. It feels very one-sided, this aspect of things, like she's only considering her feelings and not yours.
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Old 03-22-2019, 07:18 AM #26
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Default Re: My girlfriend is upset because I don't want her to touch me.

“That sort of feels like a form of control to me on her part....”

It is about control. It’s about her trying to get you to meet her needs in your sexual initiation routine. This is why she’s crying in frustration. You are not giving her what she wants.

Now somewhere she got in her mind, that what she is doing to you at the sink, is going to motivate you to give her what she wants, your attention. That’s why this feels like rejection to her. What she is doing is not working, obviously. She got an idea in her head that is annoying to you (and understandably) and it is not working for her.

She said she doesn’t want to be the initiator sexually, wants to take the passive role. This is where I think this conflict is coming from. Who wants to be the alpha?

I’ve had this dynamic in my dysfunction.
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Old 03-22-2019, 11:55 AM #27
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Default Re: My girlfriend is upset because I don't want her to touch me.

Hello Lying Eyes,

sorry you and your girlfriend are having this problem. You said other aspects of the relationship are good...would it be accurate to infer from that there are no other boundary issues...they pertain only to bodily autonomy and sex? Those are hugely important boundaries to be respected so I am curious if the boundary issue appears in other ways? Suggesting what you may and may not wear...or who you may and may not talk to? Or taking belongings or money without asking....taking food off your plate? Those are just random examples, boundary issues could present in many different ways.

If you feel that it pertains to your body and sex specifically, you can try saying something like:
"I love you and it is wonderful to know that you are attracted to me and want to be close. I also want to show my attraction and be close. There are many ways to do that. We each bring our own ideas and feelings to the relationship and I think that is beautiful. We also need to each respect the other's needs and feelings. When I indicate to you that I don't want you to________ and you do it anyway, I feel unsafe and disrespected. If a man walked into our living room one day and suddenly grabbed your ________, how would you feel? I don't think you'd like it. That's not just because he's a stranger, it's because he did not have consent to touch you and he violated your bodily autonomy. Partners need to honor each other's bodily autonomy just as much as strangers do. Have you ever heard pregnant women complaining about strangers stroking their bump? It's the same issue, nobody should touch them without consent. Being very obviously pregnant does not negate the need for consent."

If you feel strongly that the two of you are both willing to work on this, you could certainly talk through the issues with an experienced therapist. I'm just concerned that you already had the dialogue with her and she doesn't seem to be respecting your wishes. That's a serious issue. In my opinion, the reason she's not respecting your boundaries is less relevant than the fact that she's violating your wishes. The underlying reason would be for her to figure out with a therapist if she actually wanted to. I don't get a sense that she's taking ownership. The crying response sounds manipulative though obviously I don't know you gf. For you, you simply need her to comply with your wishes. If she will not comply, I would recommend you step back and take time to think things over by yourself. If I met someone who seemed great in every other regard except that they didn't respect my bodily autonomy, I'd be thinking perhaps they weren't so great after all.

Feel free to share more. I wish you peace.

Last edited by SilverTrees; 03-22-2019 at 12:09 PM.
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Old 03-24-2019, 09:15 AM #28
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Default Re: My girlfriend is upset because I don't want her to touch me.

I think you may feel like you're being hypersexualized in non-sexual situations. Your GF needs to respect your boundaries. Just because she's your GF doesn't mean she owns your body or has unrestricted access to it.

She needs to respect your boundaries. She seems to want a relationship where she can touch you how she wants, but she needs your consent. Don't be afraid to ask for what you need. She should listen to you and pay attention to what is upsetting you.

What if you reach an agreement where she asks for consent before grabbing you? It seems like she values the spontaneity and casual behavior of grabbing you. I think her idea of intimacy is different from your idea.
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Old 03-26-2019, 03:09 AM #29
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Default Re: My girlfriend is upset because I don't want her to touch me.

I'm coming to this late, and am certainly NOT an authority about relationships.
But this thread made me thoughtful about intimacy - different styles of intimacy and of making bridges and connections.
I wondered whether going at this sideways, by developing other forms of intimacy: gazing, holding hands, massage, dancing together - I wondered whether developing other bridges might divert whatever your partners is going after and make this less hurtful?

Talking is great but it tends to dissect, and some people have a resistance to dissection and need in-between languages to feel comforted.

You have got me reflecting on my own habits about intimacy here, and how to express that with people who may likely have different habitual patterns. Thank you.
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Old 03-26-2019, 03:10 AM #30
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Default Re: My girlfriend is upset because I don't want her to touch me.

PS What does "Lying Eyes" mean: are you teasing us ?
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