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Old 03-21-2019, 02:01 AM #1
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Default My girlfriend is upset because I don't want her to touch me.

TL/DR: I don't like my *** and breasts and crotch touched outside of sex, GF is sad about this cause it makes our relationship seem too platonic. She's scared of initiating sex because she doesn't want to touch me wrong.

That is, I don't like it when we're hanging out/chilling/I'm cooking/getting dressed and she :grabs or smacks my ***, plays with my boobs, or grabs my crotch. I just don't like it, ever. I don't like my sexual body parts being messed with when I'm relaxing, I find it invasive, annoying, and frustrating. I'm very sensitive and easily aroused, and I dislike feeling that way when I'm not going to get any fulfillment.

This is upsetting to her. She feels as if the relationship is too platonic, and she is afraid to initiate sex because she's afraid to touch me in a way I dislike. I get this, but I've told her many times I like it when she kisses me and then moves to other body parts--I just don't like being touched sexually OUTSIDE OF SEX. The irony is that when we do have sex, she barely touches me. She doesn't grab my *** or my breasts, she really just wants to go down on me and focus on that area. I'm confused. I told her this, and that I wanted her to touch me more during sex, and she said she would but that it wouldn't make her feel any better about not being able to touch me when we're just hanging out.

She's frequently upset about this--if she tries to touch my *** and I move away, it can trigger tears because she wishes she could touch me. I understand that for her it isn't just about sex, it's a way of showing affection to her. But I'd rather cuddle and kiss.

This is emotionally difficult for her, and while I can't really relate, I understand this. I want to help make her feel better, but I'm not willing to let go of my boundaries and make myself uncomfortable. I asked her if this was a deal breaker, and she said "I guess not, but it makes me sad all the time".

Advice?

I'd like to add: I do like sex. And I love to cuddle. And I have talked to her about all of this but she feels like there's nothing to be done.
Also: We've been together for over a year.
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Old 03-21-2019, 07:34 AM #2
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Default Re: My girlfriend is upset because I don't want her to touch me.

Quote:
Originally Posted by LyingEyes View Post
TL/DR: I don't like my *** and breasts and crotch touched outside of sex, GF is sad about this cause it makes our relationship seem too platonic. She's scared of initiating sex because she doesn't want to touch me wrong.

That is, I don't like it when we're hanging out/chilling/I'm cooking/getting dressed and she :grabs or smacks my ***, plays with my boobs, or grabs my crotch. I just don't like it, ever. I don't like my sexual body parts being messed with when I'm relaxing, I find it invasive, annoying, and frustrating. I'm very sensitive and easily aroused, and I dislike feeling that way when I'm not going to get any fulfillment.

This is upsetting to her. She feels as if the relationship is too platonic, and she is afraid to initiate sex because she's afraid to touch me in a way I dislike. I get this, but I've told her many times I like it when she kisses me and then moves to other body parts--I just don't like being touched sexually OUTSIDE OF SEX. The irony is that when we do have sex, she barely touches me. She doesn't grab my *** or my breasts, she really just wants to go down on me and focus on that area. I'm confused. I told her this, and that I wanted her to touch me more during sex, and she said she would but that it wouldn't make her feel any better about not being able to touch me when we're just hanging out.

She's frequently upset about this--if she tries to touch my *** and I move away, it can trigger tears because she wishes she could touch me. I understand that for her it isn't just about sex, it's a way of showing affection to her. But I'd rather cuddle and kiss.

This is emotionally difficult for her, and while I can't really relate, I understand this. I want to help make her feel better, but I'm not willing to let go of my boundaries and make myself uncomfortable. I asked her if this was a deal breaker, and she said "I guess not, but it makes me sad all the time".

Advice?

I'd like to add: I do like sex. And I love to cuddle. And I have talked to her about all of this but she feels like there's nothing to be done.
Also: We've been together for over a year.
I understand. Most men do not like this either because it shows her as the dominate partner. Stick to your guns. Be nice about it. But I'd tell her straight up "Are you trying to show your dominance to me?, I'm not interested in that." She may not even know that that is what she's actually doing.
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Old 03-21-2019, 08:05 AM #3
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Default Re: My girlfriend is upset because I don't want her to touch me.

This scenario is similar to the hell Iím in for 25 years. You question if this is a deal breaker. This has me pondering what Ďthe dealí even is. WTH deal have I gotten? If you have a good relationship, this is a minor thing that resolves itself and doesnít get worse, then Iíd say you have a good deal.
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Old 03-21-2019, 08:12 AM #4
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Default Re: My girlfriend is upset because I don't want her to touch me.

I donít think your expectations are unreasonable. Iíd very much dislike my butt smacked or my private parts and boobs grabbed while I am cooking or doing other routine stuff. My husband would end up with black eye if he forced these kind of things on me. I think if after spoken to she continues asserting herself this way, it would be a deal breaker for me
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Old 03-21-2019, 09:14 AM #5
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Default Re: My girlfriend is upset because I don't want her to touch me.

Iím not impressed with her claim that she is afraid to initiate sex.

There are ways to express an interest in having sex other than what she is doing.

Gentler, more romantic, more exciting, more loving ways.

She should use them.

Iím not impressed either with her tears over not being able to invade your private areas whenever she wants to.

You might want to look into emotional blackmail. Maybe not intentionally, but in what she says about being afraid to initiate sex, and in what she says about invading your private areas, she seems to be attempting to make you suffer emotionally for not complying with her demands.
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Old 03-21-2019, 10:11 AM #6
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Default Re: My girlfriend is upset because I don't want her to touch me.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bill3 View Post
Iím not impressed with her claim that she is afraid to initiate sex.

There are ways to express an interest in having sex other than what she is doing.

Gentler, more romantic, more exciting, more loving ways.

She should use them.

Iím not impressed either with her tears over not being able to invade your private areas whenever she wants to.

You might want to look into emotional blackmail. Maybe not intentionally, but in what she says about being afraid to initiate sex, and in what she says about invading your private areas, she seems to be attempting to make you suffer emotionally for not complying with her demands.
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Old 03-21-2019, 02:37 PM #7
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Default Re: My girlfriend is upset because I don't want her to touch me.

Quote:
Originally Posted by TishaBuv View Post
This scenario is similar to the hell Iím in for 25 years. You question if this is a deal breaker. This has me pondering what Ďthe dealí even is. WTH deal have I gotten? If you have a good relationship, this is a minor thing that resolves itself and doesnít get worse, then Iíd say you have a good deal.
Are you experiencing her side of the issue or mine? How have you guys been coping?

Quote:
Originally Posted by divine1966 View Post
I donít think your expectations are unreasonable. Iíd very much dislike my butt smacked or my private parts and boobs grabbed while I am cooking or doing other routine stuff. My husband would end up with black eye if he forced these kind of things on me. I think if after spoken to she continues asserting herself this way, it would be a deal breaker for me
Yeah. She has stopped because I told her to, but seems unhappy about it. A bit hurt about it--but I am much happier now. I just don't know what to do about her hurt feelings--I dont want it to be like this forever.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bill3 View Post
Iím not impressed with her claim that she is afraid to initiate sex.

There are ways to express an interest in having sex other than what she is doing.

Gentler, more romantic, more exciting, more loving ways.

She should use them.

Iím not impressed either with her tears over not being able to invade your private areas whenever she wants to.

You might want to look into emotional blackmail. Maybe not intentionally, but in what she says about being afraid to initiate sex, and in what she says about invading your private areas, she seems to be attempting to make you suffer emotionally for not complying with her demands.
Yeah, I've told her I enjoy things like kissing before sex, touching other parts of my body that are less sensitive, etc... I think she just wants to be able to touch freely without worrying about me being uncomfortable? I want to add that I don't want to make her into the villain here--she is complying with what I'm saying, but is obviously hurt about it...and I don't think she has any bad intentions, it's just one way she shows affection that is important to her...

I am a very assertive person, and I think she's nervous about making me angry at her, as she hates conflict. Whenever I talk to her about this, she thinks there's no way to solve the issue. She agreed that she would try to help me think of some kind of compromise that makes both of us feel better, but I have no idea what that would be.
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Old 03-21-2019, 03:11 PM #8
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Default Re: My girlfriend is upset because I don't want her to touch me.

I'm so sorry you're going through all of this, LyingEyes I agree with what all the others have already wisely said better than I ever could. You've been given some great advice on this thread. I'd suggest to follow it if you can. I do believe you have every right to have your boundaries respected. I'm so sorry she's feeling hurt, but it's not your fault. You have every right to be comfortable as well. Hopefully she'll understand. Just try to see how things go. If she still feels sad all the time because of this, I believe you need to seriously reconsider this relationship you have with him. I agree it wouldn't be a deal breaker, normally, but from what you wrote, it seems like it may be for her. I believe she needs to be honest about this. Wait a while and see how it goes. If her behavior continues, I'd suggest to talk to her about this and see how it goes from there. I hope things will get better soon for both of you. Please remember that it's not your fault. You did the right thing! Please remember that. Your boundaries are important. You self-care is important. Remember that we're here for you if you need it. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this, LyingEyes. You're a strong, wonderful person. Please remember that. You can do this! I believe in you. You're strong. We all believe in you. We're all rooting for you. Keep fighting! You're awesome! You're strong! You're a warrior! I'm sure you'll be able to get through all of this. Please don't give up
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Old 03-21-2019, 05:35 PM #9
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Default Re: My girlfriend is upset because I don't want her to touch me.

There doesn't seem to be a reasonable compromise to be made in your situation? Like you stated, what would it be?

I have a hard time understanding her hurt feelings. She needs to respect and appreciate your boundaries and sentiments. And it seems as though you totally enjoy intimacy with her otherwise.

I'm in agreement with Bill3 on this. To me, she is not fully respecting your personal boundaries and desires, even though she is complying with them. She seems to want what she wants which IS invasive. It does seem a bit manipulative on her part to tell you that she's hurt & to say that she's afraid to initiate sex because of you possibly disliking whatever she is doing, despite your obvious enjoyment of it.

Her hurt feelings are not your responsibility, in my opinion. That's a burden on you to take care of her emotional needs when you're drawing a boundary to take care of yours. And you're happier. That's what she should focus on.

Something seems off about this, but I cannot pinpoint what it is.
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Old 03-21-2019, 05:43 PM #10
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Default Re: My girlfriend is upset because I don't want her to touch me.

How old is your girlfriend? I just realized that you are very young. 20-21? Is she older? How is your relationship otherwise? What do you two do together besides sex?
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