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jaymoq
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Default Mar 21, 2019 at 09:47 AM
  #1
Lately, every conversation my partner and I have becomes a fight. At least, according to him. Any time I try to express my feelings or discuss something that has any amount of seriousness to it, he says “I’m not fighting with you” and walks off.

It makes me feel very unheard. He is depressed and will often be incredibly short or downright mean to me. I have BPD and struggle with my mood too, but I don’t ever use that as an excuse to be mean. He’s said horrible things to me and justified it as “a fight” so he can say what he wants. And if those hurt my feelings, I’m the one the blame.

Recently, he told me he’s going back to work after being off for disability for over a year. He told me he’d only go back if he could take a job where he’s gone 2-3 weeks at a time. From personally experience, I know this won’t work for me. I don’t want someone I see maybe once a month. I’ve done that. I couldn’t force myself to be okay with it. It’s not that it’s him. It’d be anyone. So I told him that I support him in doing what will make him happy. If being gone makes him happy, I think he should do it. But I don’t know if it’s something I will be able to do long term in the relationship. He lashed out and told me I was dictating his life and that i am asking him to sacrifice his happiness. He then refused to talk to me at all and hasn’t for two days.

Somehow this is my fault? Because I know what I can’t live with? When I met him, that was one of the things I told him. I got divorced for that reason. My ex was gone 4 days, home 3, gone 3, home 4. I just... couldn’t make it work. Being left home to man the fort and still work full time was maddening. I felt alone but I was married. And even though I had friends, I wanted my husband. I didn’t want the money. I wanted a warm body. I needed that support.

And so— now I am faced with the potential end to this relationship. And somehow it’s my fault. Because I am dictating a life. When all I’m trying to do is dictate mine and preventing what I know will make me incredibly unhappy.

My therapist said I should tell him to take the job and just tell him we’ll see how it goes. But I feel like if he does... I don’t want him in my life. There are very few things I am selfish about but I know what will trigger me and being in a relationship with an absent partner is a huge trigger.

I need some neutral insight here.

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Default Mar 21, 2019 at 10:13 AM
  #2
first of all dictating a life would be outright telling him that he cannot do what he wants to do. YOu have not done so, you've been clear that this is not something you want in a relationship and that's fair. So if him wanting to be a way 2 to 3 weeks a month on a job is what he wants, his take is that you're supposed to mold your expectations to what he wants and that's ok, but you're not allowed to have your own expectations based on your values or needs? Now really, who would be dictating anyones life if that's the case? think about that.

Secondly, as you've stated this is not new information to him. It's not that just at this moment he was made aware that you can't do the 1x a month being together thing and you've said that's what you've said from the start. He has no basis for his acting shocked about this but once again, it's expecting you to have changed your views and values since the beginning til now. Now that he wants that it's supposed to be ok with you - again, this is HIM expecting you to mold in a way to fit HIS desires.

A loving relationship and a loving person looks out not just for themselves but considers the partner's needs too, sometimes even before their own. This is not happening in your relationship.

Who in a commited and strong relatship has a stipulation that they get a job where they require it to keep them away for 2 to 3 weeks out of the month? I'm sorry but for me if I am commited and in a relationship with someone I want to be able to be there at all costs and I work around that premise. this sounds even more like he's not a good fit for you.

Even without him taking a job that takes him away for much of the time, I'd say you should continue with the consideration of ending this relationship. He's not at all committed to making it work nor is he thinking of your needs, values and expectations.
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Default Mar 21, 2019 at 05:56 PM
  #3
I agree with the above thoughts. You have not dictated his life, you've told him to do what makes him happy. All you've done is say what you are not willing to do, which is is totally reasonable. He honestly seems a bit volatile and unreasonable. I don't like that he's mean to you. And telling you he doesn't want to fight if you're just expressing you feelings? This doesn't sound good either or healthy to me. Relationships are a two-way street, and people have to be able to discuss issues and feelings. He seems difficult.

If it were me, I'd let him stew in his own juices and not contact him for a while. Whatever you do, don't take the blame for something that he's turned around on you.

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Last edited by Have Hope; Mar 21, 2019 at 06:33 PM..
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Default Mar 22, 2019 at 12:53 PM
  #4
Thank you for the replies. I am relieved to know that I didn't read this situation entirely wrong. I make real efforts to not tell anyone what they can or can't do. Because who am I to have that say? But I am not going to say they can do anything and there not be consequences to our relationship. I felt really betrayed when he told me this and even more hurt that he would turn this around and make this about me being selfish. I think he really needs to assess his own priorities. I imagine there are folks out there that would welcome their partner being gone all the time. Some people like that sort of flexibility and independence. But I just don't. If I wanted that much flexibility and independence, I'd rather be single. There's nothing worse to me than being in a committed relationship and never seeing the person. Because if I do go and have fun or make friends or do things without them, A) they have typically gotten jealous or feel threatened and/or B) I am having fun without them- so why am I keeping them around? What benefit are they to me? I was typically very insecure and its taken a lot of therapy to get me to even advocate for myself in a relationship. This is certainly triggering those inferior responses of "I'm a horrible person, I should be glad I have anyone, I don't deserve anything, I have no say". And that is negative self-talk and I need to stop it.

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Default Mar 23, 2019 at 02:30 AM
  #5
There is nothing worse for you than being in a committed relationship with someone who is routinely absent, and yet both guys you have discussed here want/accept that kind of absence in their relationship. Perhaps it would be useful to discuss in therapy how it happens that you end up in relationships with guys who seem to want the opposite of what you want.
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Default Mar 23, 2019 at 06:17 AM
  #6
He sounds very selfish and unhappy, and your needs are just as important. You are not dictating his life, you are dictating yours.

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Default Mar 23, 2019 at 07:15 AM
  #7
Hi Jaymoq,

I’m sorry you are having difficult relationships. I can relate.

It sounds like your partner wants to check out by getting too busy with work. You said you fight often.

I had a relationship where I discussed, argued, fought over my partner not meeting my extremely few and critical needs. Nothing I said ever got him to change his uncaring ways. Ultimately, I was seen by him and others close to us (our kids!) as something so negative, I now feel shamed.

Your title of this thread triggers that ‘standing up for myself’ was what I was doing when I was angry and argumentative. In hindsight, I shouldn’t have fought for so long. I wished I had accepted that this person had no intention of meeting my needs and sacrificing anything or making any effort for me, and bravely moved on ending the marriage. That’s standing up for yourself!

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Default Mar 23, 2019 at 07:33 AM
  #8
Is he in the career field that requires being gone a lot like he works on oil refineries engineer or is a pilot or military? Then it’s understandable he has no choce. If not then he deliberately looks for a job that would keep him out of the house and make him unavailable. I wonder if you are attracted to unavailable men as both men just don’t want to be fully there? Like one foot in and one out? I’d address it with your therapist
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Default Mar 23, 2019 at 07:33 AM
  #9
I'm so sorry you're hurting so much, jaymoq I agree with what all the others have already wisely said better than I ever could. You've been given some great advice. I'd suggest to follow it if you can. I'll try not to repeat it too much. It's NOT your fault all of this is happening to you. You've made your desires and needs clear to him since you started this relationship, and he's not willing to respect them. You're not dictating anything in his life, you're just making your voice heard, and you have every right to do that! Being commited in a relationship and not having your partner around can be very hard and it's perfectly valid that you'd feel this way about this. I agree with what all the others have already wisely said about ending this relationship. You may want to consider it if he's not respectful of your feelings and needs. You deserve much better than this! You deserve to be happy and to be loved just like everyone else does! Please don't give up! Try to hang on! Remember that we're here for you if you need it. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this, jaymoq. You're a strong, wonderful person. I'm sure you'll be able to get through all of this. Stay strong. Stay safe and take care of yourself. Just try to do your best. That's all you can do after all, and it's more than enough! You're awesome! You're strong! You're a warrior! I believe in you! We all believe in you! We're all rooting for you! Believe in yourself! I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. You don't deserve to suffer at all!
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Default Mar 29, 2019 at 01:08 PM
  #10
Thanks everyone. I am definitely discussing this with my therapist. It seems like a cruel joke that this is how this relationship would go. When we met, he said he'd never go back to working away from home. It was too hard on him. That's why he quit in the first place. And I thought "Oh great, because that is not something I want."

And now, this. Need to leave.

Its exhausting.

The job is driving a truck. There are definitely jobs locally. There is no reason to go over-the-road except making a little bit more money and the freedom of the open road. Which I suspect is what he's looking for.

Yet again I find myself being duped by another person. In to believing the words they say.

But if I can't believe them- how do I live? I am so tired of dishonesty. I am tired of deceit. I am tired of putting my faith in to anyone.

And so, I find myself yet again facing the concept of being alone. And that stinks. And I can't help but consider all these mentions of "Well you keep finding these guys..." as a way to point out its my fault. I'm the broken one. I'm the messed up one. I deserve this.

And that is the sort of negative self-talk my therapist is trying to get me to stop. But maybe its right. Maybe I am just....stupid. Naïve. I sabotage myself. I intentionally select mates that are horrible because I believe I deserve horror.

A man tried to kill me once before and I just don't know if I've ever recovered from believing that I shouldn't be here.

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Default Mar 31, 2019 at 12:40 PM
  #11
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Originally Posted by jaymoq View Post
Thanks everyone. I am definitely discussing this with my therapist. It seems like a cruel joke that this is how this relationship would go. When we met, he said he'd never go back to working away from home. It was too hard on him. That's why he quit in the first place. And I thought "Oh great, because that is not something I want."

And now, this. Need to leave.

Its exhausting.

The job is driving a truck. There are definitely jobs locally. There is no reason to go over-the-road except making a little bit more money and the freedom of the open road. Which I suspect is what he's looking for.

Yet again I find myself being duped by another person. In to believing the words they say.

But if I can't believe them- how do I live? I am so tired of dishonesty. I am tired of deceit. I am tired of putting my faith in to anyone.

And so, I find myself yet again facing the concept of being alone. And that stinks. And I can't help but consider all these mentions of "Well you keep finding these guys..." as a way to point out its my fault. I'm the broken one. I'm the messed up one. I deserve this.

And that is the sort of negative self-talk my therapist is trying to get me to stop. But maybe its right. Maybe I am just....stupid. Naïve. I sabotage myself. I intentionally select mates that are horrible because I believe I deserve horror.

A man tried to kill me once before and I just don't know if I've ever recovered from believing that I shouldn't be here.
It sounds like you already know what your boundaries are with your boyfriend -- that you need to be with a man who works locally and comes home every day to you. Your boyfriend doesn't want that lifestyle.

So, I think you two are not compatible.

A guy I met, was in a relationship with his girlfriend for 6 years. They have had a relationship long distance for 6 years, seeing each other occasionally. His work requires him to travel everywhere, whereas her work requires her to work locally 9 to 5. Recently she broke up with him, telling him that the reason is she doesn't feel like a priority over his work, which is actually true.

He is obsessed with his line of work and is always online. Always. More than 50% of their relationship was FaceTiming each other from their separate states, then occasionally taking trips to see each other. I guess she got fed up with him not prioritizing her over his type of work, so she dumped him. He then proceeded to flirt with me and try to start something online with me, to which I put a stop to, b/c I am not going to be some guy's rebound online relationship. Yuck. His constant messaging me has stopped now that he knows I'm not interested in being his supply of attention online anymore.

The point of me sharing my personal experience with you, is to show you that you are allowed to have boundaries. You are allowed to have standards. If the man you want to date won't respect those boundaries, or those standards and lashes out at you instead of respecting you...you have to ask yourself...WHY do you think you deserve that kind of abuse from another person?

I think it's clear that you two just aren't on the same page. He wants to be a truck driver and be gone all the time. That's not what you want in a partner.

There doesn't seem to be a compromise that either you or he can reach, so if that is the case, then maybe you should consider breaking up with him, so you can be available to date a man who respects your boundaries and meets your standards. Who will be around to date you instead of leaving you alone all the time. You did that once when you were married. You know that you don't want to do that again, and this current boyfriend is setting you up to be caught in that same pattern.
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Default Mar 31, 2019 at 09:26 PM
  #12
You aren’t stupid and it’s not your fault. Picking certain kind of men doesn’t make one stupid. I used to go for men who were just wrong for me. And my husband was previously married to abusive woman for years. It doesn’t make us stupid. But it’s important to recognize patterns in our choice of partners if you want to break these patterns. It puts you in a drivers seat of your life. I see it as a positive not negative thing
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Default Apr 01, 2019 at 03:24 AM
  #13
This kind of 'communication'...or should I say 'lack of' communication issue, is something that I have experienced in one or 2 previous relationships. I won't go into murky details, but over the years I have come to realise all too clearly that it wasn't that my ex partners disagreed with my opinions, preferences, grievances, or ideas...It was that I HAD opinions, preferences, grievances, and ideas.

I'm not saying all men, but certainly some men were raised in a family dynamic where the adult male made all the decisions, had all the great ideas, and chose for the family...in everything. Although these men genuinely love their partners, they don't see married partnerships as equal, they believe that their partners are there to serve them, agree with them and rely on them to make the best choices.

There are women who are quite content to go along with this status quo, finding fulfilment and successes through nurturing & raising their children, creating a home, and agreeing with/ supporting their partner.....But I am not one of those women.

Before you make the long term decision to marry this man and have his children, it is very important to discover exactly what type of family dynamic he is hoping to have, whilst ensuring there is room for you both to share in decision making, goals and fair work load.

I wish all the very best for you moving into your future with this man jaymoq.....but remember to have that all important talk.

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Default Apr 01, 2019 at 05:09 AM
  #14
I’ve read more about your bf and I’d say there are more issues here (in a relationship and him personally) than him wanting work away from home. He is using Kratom throughout the day and plans on driving truck for a living? Not only he doesn’t sound well enough to do such job he endangers everyone on the road. Overall he doesn’t sound like a dream come true man of your dreams.

Are you supporting him financially at the moment? I’d start thinking of an exit plan honestly, you sound like a wonderful person and he kind of sounds like bad news to me. He might be a nice guy but isn’t life long commitment material. You can do better. Also his talk about that job could be just a talk. He might be got used to you paying for things. Who pays for groceries?

Someone on this thread mentioned marriage and children. I don’t know your age or if you plan such things but I’d urge to not marry an addict without a job and absolutely don’t have children with an addict. No way no how
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