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Member Since Oct 2016
Location: West coast
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#1
Hi everyone,
It’s been a long time since I’ve written a post about my relationship. My husband and I both have mental health issues, see psychiatrists, and take meds. Mine have been improving lately, while his haven’t. We moved a few years ago when I got laid off, and got a good offer a couple hours away. My husband moved away from his family to come with me for the job, and we had a six month old baby at the time who is now 3. He is extremely moody. He is depressed because he doesn’t know many people here and misses his family, and I get it. My parents are both dead so i don’t have that anymore, but he does so I get why he misses it. He’s a good dad, but he is incredibly lazy and doesn’t see that I do way more than him in terms of childcare and housework. When we first moved here he was a stay at home dad, and now he’s a realtor. We had a part time nanny for a while and now our kid is in daycare. He has a lot of real estate experience but his career as a realtor so far has been a disaster, and chiefly responsible for a lot of debt we have racked up. He almost quit a few weeks ago but found a cheaper way to maintain his license (being a realtor is expensive). He has deals in his pipeline but there’s just no guarantee it’ll work out. Here’s why I’m frustrated. I make all the money. Especially with the new debt, it’s just not enough to live the lifestyle we want. It is enough to cover basic living expenses (we are in a relatively high cost of living area). So we are lucky there. He spends boatloads if money on Diet Pepsi, energy drinks, and cigars. Seems like not a big deal but it adds up and we can’t afford it. It never used to bother me that I was the breadwinner, but I have become annoyed since his business has cost us so much money. And he does NOT do much to help us save any. It is like pulling teeth to get him to cook, so I have to do all of it or we end up eating out a lot which we can’t afford. He doesn’t do laundry, and it’s so much effort just to get him to do basic household chores that it’s almost easier if I just do it! He’s gotten better but it’s still pretty awful. I am so frustrated that I have to make all the income, spend more than we can afford on cigars, and do 80 percent of the work maintaining the house and cooking. He just does not get it. It is even worse now because his business takes his energy so he can’t do fun things I want, and he has less energy to help with the house. Somehow I manage to work all day and still do things for the household but he is absolutely incapable or unwilling to do that. I love him, and I don’t want to get angry over petty things, but I just don’t understand how this is OK. We fight about finances a lot and we do make improvements but it just seems to go back to normal after a while. I am fine if he stays home, but he needs to watch the kid, do at least 50 percent of the cooking and housework if not more, and stop wasting money to make our budget work. He has stayed home before and it just did not work out and I’m afraid that’ll happen again. I feel like I’ve just leaned to live with this stuff that makes me unhappy and I don’t know what to do. Why are things like this, what can I do to make it better? |
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Medusax, MickeyCheeky
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MickeyCheeky
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#2
I hear you on the lazy part. I do not make the most money, but I manage money well and he can't at all. he would be in debt if he made 10k a month. he works for the railroad and he keeps most of what he makes and sends me what is left over. I work for a local poultry plant, and most of the time my paychecks are more than what he sends home. We are in a very LOW cost area, I insisted we move out of Oregon in 2008. We do not have children, but the work falls on me. The yard, the house and of course my job, which often has mandatory overtime. He has recently filed for a debt consolidation program, AGAIN. Fun things for him are sitting in his recliner watching TV while playing on his computer. I feel your pain. I too, have simply learned to "live" with it.
__________________ I go about my own business, and keep my mind on myself and my life. I expect the same courtesy from the rest of the world. |
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MickeyCheeky
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BlueMerleGirl, MickeyCheeky
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Member Since Oct 2016
Location: West coast
Posts: 82
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#3
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MickeyCheeky
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Medusax, MickeyCheeky
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#4
Couples Therapy ? Might help straighten things out.
Sorry your dealing with what I would call a Brat __________________ Helping others gets me out of my own head ~ |
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MickeyCheeky
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BlueMerleGirl, Medusax, MickeyCheeky, WishfulThinker66
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#5
I think couples' therapy is the answer here. He needs to hear it from someone in authority that his behaviour isn't helpful; neither is it appropriate. In my own experience, no amount of pleading, telling, or putting my foot down was going to change my then husband's behaviour. He needed to hear it from someone else that he was basically being a dufus. How I managed to convince him to go to therapy I do not entirely know how. I DO know that he honestly thought he was doing everything right and that it was him the counselor was going to side with. What a shocker then to him when that didn't happen. He went expecting me to get a lecture about laying off nagging him. Instead he got an earful.
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MickeyCheeky
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BlueMerleGirl, MickeyCheeky
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Location: West coast
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#6
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MickeyCheeky
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MickeyCheeky, WishfulThinker66
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Member Since Oct 2016
Location: West coast
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#7
I love this board!!! Psych central is such a great place to post. I almost wanted to delete this because I was afraid I would get a bunch of nasty comments as I sometimes have on boards at like babycenter and other places. It’s nice that people aren’t judge mental here, we all know what it’s like to struggle with mental health.
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MickeyCheeky
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healingme4me, MickeyCheeky
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#8
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__________________ "I carried a watermelon?" President of the no F's given society. |
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MickeyCheeky
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MickeyCheeky
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#9
I'm so sorry you're hurting so much, BlueMerleGirl You're not being petty AT ALL. From what you wrote it seems like he's not taking his responsabilities seriously. He needs to understand that he's an husband and a father now and that he need to act like one. I don't think it's fair to you or your children. I agree with what all the others have already wisely said better than I ever could. Couple counseling is a great idea! You've been given some great advice on this thread. I'd suggest to follow it if you can. I hope couple counseling will be helpful to you and especially to him and that he will understand he needs to change if he wants this marriage to continue. It's great that he's willing to try it at least! I'd suggest to definitely go for it! You've got nothing to lose. I hope things will get better soon for you and your family. Remember that we're here for you if you need it. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this, BlueMerleGirl. You're a strong, wonderful person. You don't deserve to suffer at all. I'm so sorry you're going through all of this
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#10
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MickeyCheeky
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MickeyCheeky
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#11
Just to warn you that if you work and he doesn’t or he is making very little if you get divorced you’d be paying him alimony. You do have to stay married for at least 10
years I think fir him to ask for alimony, he would also take a half of your 401k or other retiremrnts plans. I personally would never live with someone who either doesn’t work or makes significantly less becagse it’s too risky. I think seeing couple therapist and financial planner and a lawyer (for you to see how to protect yourself) is step one here. You can also ask a lawyer to help you with post nuptial agreement. It might help you to protect your savings |
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MickeyCheeky
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MickeyCheeky
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#12
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MickeyCheeky
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Grand Member
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Location: Arkansas
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#13
Back in the beginning when I was young and naive about money troubles (my family was responsible, and didn't deal with such things) he told me that I had to go through bankruptcy with him. I had NO KNOWLEDGE of his loaded credit cards, and I was not on his and mine were completely clear, actually sitting unused in drawers. I lost all my good credit at that time. I have it back now, (for some time) and he is in debt consolidation, again. I told him NEVER again would I sign anything with him. If I have any inheritance from my mother's estate it will be controlled by my sister. (Yes, I trust her) He will have no access to it.
__________________ I go about my own business, and keep my mind on myself and my life. I expect the same courtesy from the rest of the world. |
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MickeyCheeky
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MickeyCheeky
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#14
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Do not do his laundry under any circumstances even if his hamper if overflowing and he rants about not having clean clothes. What other basic household chores does he do or not do that you feel he should? Quote:
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__________________ "I carried a watermelon?" President of the no F's given society. |
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