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Old 03-22-2019, 10:46 PM #1
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Default It doesn't matter with whom I'm in relationship. Why?

Hi everyone!
I realised this statement a few relationships before.
Yes I find all the girls that I've been with before special, unique, but the lengths I go to ignore my own needs are unimaginable. I am not talking about drugs or those damaging relationships... I'd not tolerate that or stay in that kind of relationship, but whenever I come into a new relationship, my needs shrink to 10 percent and I let space her needs, wishes, expression of herself... to 90% of our total time and energy.
I go to great lengths in order to let the relationship work and last. It mostly goes to my expenses and then I ask myself, could I really be with any girl who I'm so loyal, patient,...
The cause to all of this I've found in one article:
"The Child of a Narcissistic Parent: Why Donít I Meet My Needs?"
Currently I'm in a 3 year long relationship.
Yes, all people tolerate and be around others who are not much demanding, give attention, are responsible,.... that's me. But I am raised to care what others say and my personality is very flexible to needs of others.
I hate it cause I am always the last one to myself.
Sometimes I don't care if the relationship breaks cause I know that I wouldn't need to cater other people's feelings and needs so much. In that case it would be more energy left for myself.
Lastly, It doesn't matter with whom I'm in relationship cause I'll make it work at my own expenses and without a clue if I even really want to do that.

I would appreciate if someone has something to a person like me to say, if someone sees the fault in my brain software.

Thanks a lot!
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Old 03-22-2019, 11:36 PM #2
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Default Re: It doesn't matter with whom I'm in relationship. Why?

I think to some extent is normal to bend your personality a bit with people your close to because generally people want to make other people comfortable. But too much and at the expense of your own well being is an issue. I don't think anyone needs to cater to anyones else feelings. we should be caring and empathetic but in general everyone is responsible for their own feelings.
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Old 03-22-2019, 11:42 PM #3
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Default Re: It doesn't matter with whom I'm in relationship. Why?

Quote:
Originally Posted by cureav View Post
Hi everyone!
I realised this statement a few relationships before.
Yes I find all the girls that I've been with before special, unique, but the lengths I go to ignore my own needs are unimaginable. I am not talking about drugs or those damaging relationships... I'd not tolerate that or stay in that kind of relationship, but whenever I come into a new relationship, my needs shrink to 10 percent and I let space her needs, wishes, expression of herself... to 90% of our total time and energy.
I go to great lengths in order to let the relationship work and last. It mostly goes to my expenses and then I ask myself, could I really be with any girl who I'm so loyal, patient,...
The cause to all of this I've found in one article:
"The Child of a Narcissistic Parent: Why Donít I Meet My Needs?"
Currently I'm in a 3 year long relationship.
Yes, all people tolerate and be around others who are not much demanding, give attention, are responsible,.... that's me. But I am raised to care what others say and my personality is very flexible to needs of others.
I hate it cause I am always the last one to myself.
Sometimes I don't care if the relationship breaks cause I know that I wouldn't need to cater other people's feelings and needs so much. In that case it would be more energy left for myself.
Lastly, It doesn't matter with whom I'm in relationship cause I'll make it work at my own expenses and without a clue if I even really want to do that.

I would appreciate if someone has something to a person like me to say, if someone sees the fault in my brain software.

Thanks a lot!
Hello Cureav. Thank you for sharing your truth. That's not easy to do!

I don't think there is a "fault" in your brain software. You mentioned, if I understood you correctly, that you were raised by at least one narcissistic parent. So, you developed certain habits and behaviors in order to function and survive in that environment. You could very well have carried those same behaviors into your adult relationships and they may not be serving you well. However, there is always hope!

You are not broken or faulty or doomed. Our brains are tremendous organs of highly sophisticated biochemical engineering. Any good neuroscientist will tell you that we've barely touched the surface of what the human brain can do. So, if you learned behaviors and habits which are not ideal for your adult self, you can learn new ones! Truly.

Are you talking with an experienced therapist about these concerns? I think that could really help you.

I would gently caution you against making predictions such as:
"It doesn't matter with whom I'm in relationship cause I'll make it work at my own expenses and without a clue if I even really want to do that."
Read about self-fulfilling prophecies. They are real and honestly quite dangerous. There is a lot of research indicating that if I tell myself I'll never be happy or never develop a healthy relationship, happiness and healthy relationships are significantly less likely due to my own bias and predictions.

When the problem is endeavoring to please others too much and forgetting to honor and respect the Self, I think the best place to start is with the Self. Take an extended period of time away from any dating or romantic relationships. Start building a strong and lasting relationship with yourself. Hobbies. Platonic friends. Work. Volunteering. Physical exercise. Nutrition. Sleep. Meditation etc.

I believe that once you have a firmly established relationship with your Self, you will be in a good position to start partnering with someone else (who has also done the same work on their own Self).

I hope this helps. Please be kind and patient with yourself. Please don't tell yourself that you have a faulty brain. I wish you peace and a bright future!
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Old 03-22-2019, 11:52 PM #4
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Default Re: It doesn't matter with whom I'm in relationship. Why?

Sorry Cureav, just re-read that you are currently in a long-term relationship. How do you feel about it? How is it going?
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Old 03-23-2019, 08:08 AM #5
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Default Re: It doesn't matter with whom I'm in relationship. Why?

Hi there Cureav. If you are the child of a narcissistic parent, putting your own needs last makes perfect sense!!! This is what you are used to doing.

Now that you recognize this pattern within your relationships, it is perhaps time to shift your behavior and thinking to know that your needs are just as important as your partner's.

It will take effort and some fumbling around, but giving yourself permission to believe that your needs are just as important is healthiest and best for both you and your relationship. Take care of YOU too... not just your partner.

I wish you all the best!!
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Old 03-23-2019, 09:00 AM #6
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Default Re: It doesn't matter with whom I'm in relationship. Why?

I am a woman who can "self-soothe" if you will. I have my own hobbies and interests and I don't need (nor want) my husband around all the time for them. Perhaps you can find someone who doesn't need you stuck like glue to her. It does not mean she doesn't love you, just that she has things of her own to do, and needs her own space. I have found that a lot of people have a problem with that.
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Old 03-23-2019, 09:23 AM #7
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Default Re: It doesn't matter with whom I'm in relationship. Why?

I'm so sorry you're hurting so much, cureav I agree with what all the others have already wisely said better than I ever could. You've been given some great advice on this thread. I'd suggest to follow it if you can. The fact that you grew up with a Narcissist Parent may very well explain your behavior in adult life. The good news is that you can change that behavior! You're not doomed and there's nothing wrong with you. You just need to work on yourself a bit. You can get through all of this! Self-love is very important and you need to take care of yourself as well. Do you see a therapist? Maybe that could help. You could learn new ways to cope with you feelings. You've also mentioned that you're currently in a relationship. How is it going? Is it working out for you? I hope she's being supportive to you. Either way, you're still in time to change this! There's nothing wrong with taking care of others, in fact it's beautiful, but don't neglect yourself! You deserve to be loved just as much as everyone else. I'm sure you'll be able to get through all of this! Please don't give up! Try to hang on! Remember that we're here for you if you need it. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this, cureav. Please don't give up. Try to hang on. You're a strong, wonderful person. Please remember that. You're awesome! You're strong! You're a warrior! I believe in you! We all believe in you! We're all rooting for you. Stay strong. Stay safe and take care of yourself. You don't deserve to suffer at all
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Old 03-25-2019, 09:29 PM #8
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Default Re: It doesn't matter with whom I'm in relationship. Why?

Thanks a lot all of you guys.
I'm In 3 year old relationship with a married woman with a 7 year old son. She is not divorced yet but she is not seeing her husband all this time. She likes me and she wants me to express my feelings more often In front of our friends but I feel weird about it because she's still in marriage.
I care for her but I am only a hyper vigilant person who would do almost anything someone asks me. But she is a person who lives her life from the first person prospective. I have forgotten how to determine my feelings cause I learned to hide them from my father. That's my programming.
And she has a loving parents who saw her during her growing up. All I do is good but i feel all that is somehow external, performance, and i love how good is she connected to her feelings and express them.
So many times I feel like a con for saying I love her when she needs it to hear, but I am a guy who Does and not the one who Speaks much and use sugar words.
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Old 03-26-2019, 02:10 PM #9
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Default Re: It doesn't matter with whom I'm in relationship. Why?

Quote:
Originally Posted by cureav View Post
Hi everyone!
I realised this statement a few relationships before.
Yes I find all the girls that I've been with before special, unique, but the lengths I go to ignore my own needs are unimaginable. I am not talking about drugs or those damaging relationships... I'd not tolerate that or stay in that kind of relationship, but whenever I come into a new relationship, my needs shrink to 10 percent and I let space her needs, wishes, expression of herself... to 90% of our total time and energy.
I go to great lengths in order to let the relationship work and last. It mostly goes to my expenses and then I ask myself, could I really be with any girl who I'm so loyal, patient,...
The cause to all of this I've found in one article:
"The Child of a Narcissistic Parent: Why Donít I Meet My Needs?"
Currently I'm in a 3 year long relationship.
Yes, all people tolerate and be around others who are not much demanding, give attention, are responsible,.... that's me. But I am raised to care what others say and my personality is very flexible to needs of others.
I hate it cause I am always the last one to myself.
Sometimes I don't care if the relationship breaks cause I know that I wouldn't need to cater other people's feelings and needs so much. In that case it would be more energy left for myself.
Lastly, It doesn't matter with whom I'm in relationship cause I'll make it work at my own expenses and without a clue if I even really want to do that.

I would appreciate if someone has something to a person like me to say, if someone sees the fault in my brain software.

Thanks a lot!

Interestingly enough, I am similar to how you describe your behavior in relationships. It's not just being agreeable, it is so to the point of self sacrifice. I've ended up with women in relationships that are far more demanding as time goes on and I'm not entirely sure it's all just because that's how they are or that I've trained them this way by putting everything they want and need before my own needs. I believe that not only am I finding demanding women that are attracted to those of us like me, but also that I continue to encourage it and therefore it gets worse over time.


I'm still this way to a very large extent but I actually am able to put myself first in some things and take control of my life somewhat. To tell you how this happened it may be a difficult thing for you to accept but it worked for me.


After my wife left the state and left me for another dude, left me with the 2 boys some very devastating things happened. I was forced to live just with them and take responsibility for all three of us for awhile. I won't go into details but it was a humbling situation to say the least. In that time though, I learned a lot about myself, I had no partner and I had to "figure out" how to take care of our needs. Without a dominating partner to direct my decisions on these things I was able to figure out that I have my own thoughts, my own values and perspectives and was entirely capable of handling things on my own. It took about 3 yrs of this but over time it helped a lot.


Now that the ex (still married but not together) is back, I'm a very different person, though I still bend a bit more than I'd like, I also stand up for myself far more than I ever had.


finding yourself, your voice and taking the reins in your life is what you need to learn, whether that means you being alone or not, it worked for me.


Just some thoughts.
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Old 03-28-2019, 08:22 PM #10
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Default Re: It doesn't matter with whom I'm in relationship. Why?

Thanks Sandman2006, its possible that I need some time alone in order to find myself but in another hand, sadly, we learn social skills only in interaction with others.Thanks for sharing your experience
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