I'll start w the question first. How do you make close friends as an adult? Friends that stick. Not fair weather. Not sometimes friends.

And are my expectations for my friends too
high?

I told my friend about a craft show I want to go to, and invited her to go. She texted me and said she is busy this weekend (not a problem for me, I was just a little disappointed, its ok). But the way she worded it: "I hope you can find someone else to go w you." It made me feel really shirty. It struck a nerve. I don't have many close friends I do stuff with. Honestly, I don't know I can say I have ANY close friends. Yes I have friends and we share things w each other. But they are not always around. Sometimes they are never around. I'm sure she meant nothing by it to hurt me. But it hurt.

She is late to our get togethers by 10 to 15 min like 90% of the time. Its annoying as ****. It makes me feel like I don't matter.

I have 3 friends like this, Who border on close but not meeting my expectations, and not always around. All 3 of these friends have bigger social lives than me.

I suppose I need more of a social life. I have been sick lately. Like since early May. And I'm not even sure my friends care. They are busy. With their social lives. I do not feel like I matter to them. It would be nice if they checked in w me. They do not. This one friend that I spoke of above, she is the closest of all the 3, and I feel annoyed by her.

I'm trying. I pm'd someone from church. She did not even bother replying. Maybe I'm trying to befriend the wrong people. It is discouraging.

People are just so casual. Too casual. I went to a usual church group last night. I almost didn't go due to feeling sick. I messaged her to notify, and didn't hear back. I just cannot take this.

My therapist seems to think my expectations are too high but I don't know.

We all need close friends and we all,have emotional needs.

[lacerta]

I feel for you! I'm introvert and I find it difficult to engage in social activity. Then again, I miss it like once in a couple of month and then when I think again, for the rest of the couple of month I'm minding my own business and being too tired and not interested in any social activity.

Don't be harsh on yourself! You've done your job being proactive. People have different aims and responsibilities so it's totally understandable that they can cancel meetings. I think that your friend who expressed hope that you would find someone else to go with showed care.

Have you expressed your feelings about being late for the friend who is always late? Some people just are like that, being late.
Hugs!

Thank you for the support, lacerta! No I have not talked to her about being late. I should tell her how it makes me feel. She actually is a very nice person. Yeah, I'm sure she meant what she said in a good way. It still bothered me though. But I'm not mad at her.

And yes, I have been very proactive which is not seeming to get me far. I feel very disempowered lately and discouraged. Getting sick....has made me feel like my friends really do not care.

[saidso]

I dislike friends being late. It's an issue for me, but I would consider less than 15 minutes to be ok .
I was in a similar state about meeting people as you describe, but lately I've become less sad about it all. I understand that I'm looking for something special in a close friend, and I find that rarely. I also understand that some of the qualities that I search for in a close friend are strengths that I need to work on for myself. I love people who reflect those special qualities, but I feel inside that depending on them for that isn't correct. Usually they have other people - husband, kids - who depend on them, and they work. So their needs and timescale are different to mine.

I'm also moving to an area where I seem to be already meeting people in interest groups that I'm passionate about. In my current area people are richer than me, and into consuming cultural stuff which isn't a priority for me financially. Where I'm moving to, people are more interested in natural things and creativity.

Work in progress here also.

[saidso]

For example, I'm searching for friends who have a depth of life experience and who work at calmness in the face of challenges. Being with people like that makes me feel deeply nurtured. BUT I have deep life experiences myself that I don't own properly, AND I need to be more committed to working at staying calm. It is really a task for me to commit to that growth path for myself, but I'm starting to realise that I will only get what I want from other people if I walk my own path towards achieving that.

I don't want more superficial friends - they can come and go as much as they want to do. I want people who nod thoughtfully, instead of repeating the first thing that comes into their heads.

Personally I don't any more think that it's possible to make good friendships by expecting something to land in my lap. It's about finding qualities that I need internally, and prioritising the side of me that commits to that instead of the side of me that wants to escape from life. I need to be the friend that I would like to have....

Thank you saidso. You have a very accepting attitude on friendships and the issues involved. That's great.

On wikihow, I found a GREAT article. The Best Way to Decide if Your Friend is a True Friend - wikiHow it really helped give me validity. One friend in particular, one I did not mention, but one of the 3 "close" friends I have....I'm realizing is not a very good friend.

Its disappointing. But I like your viewpoint.

"I need to be the friend I would like to have." That is a powerful statement saidso. Very inspiring. I will adopt it as my own view and goal.

Hello Ptak,

thank you for sharing your truth. I can relate to your disappointment and sense of feeling disconnected.

I will share with you what a psychiatrist told me once when I was struggling with depression and feeling very much alone in life....something I have replayed in my mind many times since then:
"In the U.S. friends are for fun, just fun. Not for sharing problems. Not for deep talks. Just for spending time and having fun. if you try beyond that, you will feel very let down."
Now at the time, I found her words to be quite sad. But that was many years ago and now I am thinking I need to follow her approach. You see my pattern with friendships is that they sort of wind up treating me like an unpaid therapist...tell me their troubles and ask for advice. I fall higher on the empathy scale so I offer non-judgmental support which they always seem to appreciate. Then if I have a problem, and just want someone to listen, they disappear. There are still several names on my phone where if I called them up today and asked them just to do something fun with me, yes, they would definitely be up for it. Just fun. So, I think I really need to alter my perception of friendship and what it is to be a friend. I think my friendships would be more successful if I shift my perception in the manner suggested by the psychiatrist I mentioned.

Does that resonate with you at all?

I think your friend's lateness is a reflection of her, not of you. Some people are "late" people. It is frustrating, and you can certainly cut ties, but I don't think it is an intentional mark of disrespect toward you.

The comment "I hope you can find someone else to go" was likely harmless. She perhaps felt bad that she couldn't join you and wanted to wish you a good time with someone else?

here's an article I find really helpful. I keep coming back to it.

Four Truths about Feelings That Will Set you Free

I think it might help you as you reflect on these difficulties with your friends.

You have my empathy

Hi SilverTrees. Thank you for your thoughtful response.

I'm not sure that that statement resonates with me. But I can ponder over it.

Thank you for the link. I will read it.

[DazedandConfused254]

Thanks for asking this question, Ptak. It’s a relatable one that I have been associating with as well. I applaud your courage to be vulnerable to share your experiences, because we lack this ability to speak up about our individual stories.

The most pressing thing I’m hoping to share is prevent yourself from comparing yourself with others. It’s easier said than done, especially because sometimes the most social people speak the loudest, but we all have our own experiences, and it’s just a futile, self-perpetuating cycle to try to be someone else! Most people crave deeper friendships, but it is becoming the norm to try to keep as many friendships as possible, while neglecting your needs or what you want out of a friendship. Studies published from psychology share a different story, though, with many sources pointing to depending only on a max of 5 or so people to look up to as friends. In a similar manner, the studies also share that we are most affected by the personalities of the same amount of people who we consider the closest, which all made sense to me when I’ve learned about relationships because we will only tire ourselves by being overly-social or please a crowd!

In a nutshell, it’s best to keep your walk in making friends baby steps, and if a large social network doesn’t work for you or if you aren’t able to meet others’ obligations due to sickness, major life events and such, then that’s ok. All of us are unique in our own ways! To piggyback off my previous point, you also don’t have to force friendships that are one-sided like what you what described; life is too short to have any sort of friends that deprive you of your time and resources.

Check out this article that illustrates my post even further!

How Many Friends Do You Need?

Thank you D&C! Your message was so encouraging. Thank you!!

[DazedandConfused254]

Originally Posted by Ptak

Thank you D&C! Your message was so encouraging. Thank you!!

You're so welcome!! If there's anything else I can do let me know!