[Franner]

Hello,
I'm a registered user in a penpal website, and there's this user who shares a lot of interests with me. He always replied my messages fast (4-5 hours). But one day, a month ago, I sent him a message but he didn't reply because he stopped logging in and he hasn't logged in again until five days ago. He hasn't replied to my message yet, and I'm starting to feel anxious because I can see how he logs in (the list of registered users shown when logging in is sorted by login date). I don't really mind he's taking long to reply, to be honest. I'm aware people can be busy. Maybe he read my message and forgot to reply me. Who knows? It has happened to me a lot.

However, in the last message I sent I brought up a probably delicate topic for someone who is a stranger (I don't consider him an acquaintance yet). I mentioned that the country where I'm from is not truly a secular state and I explained some reasons why I thought so. Despite he stated he's atheist, I regret it because I could have sounded aggressive.

So, I would like to write him something to remind him I'm awaiting his reply and apologizing if I brought up an inappropriate topic. However, I'm not sure if writing something like that to a stranger is appropriate or not either. So I would like to know if it is. I've already written the message, and I would like to know your opinion about it:

Hello [addressee's name],

I'm writing to you because I noticed you logged in in the past days and I sent you a message about a month ago. First of all, I don't want you to justify yourself, mostly because you don't owe me any explanation for what you do. I am not angry either. I'm certain there's a reasonable reason why I haven't been replied yet. But there's a thought that has me concerned: in my last message I brought up a very delicate topic (religion) and I probably went too far because it wasn't appropriate from me and I probably sounded offensive, and that wasn't my intention. So I apologize for this oversight. I was going to write this after receiving a reply, especially because I really look forward to getting to know, but I've been thinking about this for the whole time and I needed to say it.

Sincerely, [my name].

It's important to me to make sure he understands I'm not angry, that I don't want him to explain me the reason of the delay and that I'm sorry if I sounded offensive in my last message. But I'm not sure if sending this would be a correct decision.

Thanks in advance.

[divine1966]

Honestly I’d not send a message and just leave him alone. First of all mentioning that you noticed how often he logs in could make him uncomfortable. I’d not do that. Second of all you don’t know this person, there is no particular need mentioning that he doesn’t owe you anything.

Third of all If someone didn’t write you in a month, he likely doesn’t want to keep talking further. Reminding him that you are expecting a response won’t change that. I am not sure about about that religious message but I’d let the guy go

[saidso]

Hey, some people just don't reply regularly to messages. I have one online friend like that (we know someone irl in common and wrote to each other for more than five years). She has times in her life when she withdraws from all her friends. She is aware of that and during the past year has done this less, but before it was a big coping mechanism. She has a lot of superficial people interaction in her life and sometimes that is too much and she just wants to concentrate on herself.

Perhaps it's different because we are both women. It was always clear that we had a connection, but I was often in the position that you are where I wondered if I'd been too much or said something wrong.

I would send him a one-liner, something like "you haven't been around and I missed talking to your" but don't rely on an answer and don't make too much of it if you don't get one. You might find that he starts talking to you again in the future just like he stopped. People all have their idiosynchratic ways of protecting themselves which are not about us personally.

It takes time and patience, and some heartache!!! I'm conscious of having done that to someone in my life just once, recently, because I got very physically sick, was exhausted and I couldn't at the time negotiate the differences in our personality as I would normally have done - so now I've been on both sides.

I wouldn't assume that the problem is about religion as such. In my experience religion does give people a different outlook on life, but then so does social class or political opinion, or having babies, or a mental/ physical illness, etc. Religion can be a very fundamental way of organising how people think about their life. But good personal relationships build bridges. Our opinions are only one part of who we are ??

Please don't feel that you shouldn't bring up something that you feel strongly about, positive or negative.

You could say, "I'm concerned that I was perhaps a little intense in my last message to you".

Sounds like I'm too involved in this discussion. I have one acquaintance who I've known for several years who is very much part of a religious community and I am drawn to his sense of there being "more to life" without being actually drawn to his religion. We've had some amicable "fights" where we've both said challenging things to the other person: I find those exchanges interesting.

Best wishes

Saidso

[Franner]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Honestly I’d not send a message and just leave him alone. First of all mentioning that you noticed how often he logs in could make him uncomfortable. I’d not do that. Second of all you don’t know this person, there is no particular need mentioning that he doesn’t owe you anything.

Third of all If someone didn’t write you in a month, he likely doesn’t want to keep talking further. Reminding him that you are expecting a response won’t change that. I am not sure about about that religious message but I’d let the guy go

Yeah, I revised the message again and I'm not sure about stating I've seen how he logs in. Even if the list of recently logged in users is shown in front of your face when logging it, I think I'll omit it.

Regarding mentioning he doesn't owe me anything, well I wrote it just in case he thinks I'm expecting or asking him for an explanation or in case he feels pressured to do so. I like making things clear...

As a rule of thumb, I usually act with people how I would like people to act with me. I asked myself: if I forgot to reply someone, would I prefer that person waiting for me no matter how long I would take, or letting me know he/she's awaiting an answer? To be honest, I'd prefer that person letting me know. But of course, this is why I'm asking this here, because doing this has never been successful in real life. Saying how I feel or trying to talk about the problems in a relationship has always been the main reason why it's hard to have a friendship to me, especially with males.

Originally Posted by saidso

Hey, some people just don't reply regularly to messages. I have one online friend like that (we know someone irl in common and wrote to each other for more than five years). She has times in her life when she withdraws from all her friends. She is aware of that and during the past year has done this less, but before it was a big coping mechanism. She has a lot of superficial people interaction in her life and sometimes that is too much and she just wants to concentrate on herself.

Perhaps it's different because we are both women. It was always clear that we had a connection, but I was often in the position that you are where I wondered if I'd been too much or said something wrong.

I would send him a one-liner, something like "you haven't been around and I missed talking to your" but don't rely on an answer and don't make too much of it if you don't get one. You might find that he starts talking to you again in the future just like he stopped. People all have their idiosynchratic ways of protecting themselves which are not about us personally.

It takes time and patience, and some heartache!!! I'm conscious of having done that to someone in my life just once, recently, because I got very physically sick, was exhausted and I couldn't at the time negotiate the differences in our personality as I would normally have done - so now I've been on both sides.

I wouldn't assume that the problem is about religion as such. In my experience religion does give people a different outlook on life, but then so does social class or political opinion, or having babies, or a mental/ physical illness, etc. Religion can be a very fundamental way of organising how people think about their life. But good personal relationships build bridges. Our opinions are only one part of who we are ??

Please don't feel that you shouldn't bring up something that you feel strongly about, positive or negative.

You could say, "I'm concerned that I was perhaps a little intense in my last message to you".

Sounds like I'm too involved in this discussion. I have one acquaintance who I've known for several years who is very much part of a religious community and I am drawn to his sense of there being "more to life" without being actually drawn to his religion. We've had some amicable "fights" where we've both said challenging things to the other person: I find those exchanges interesting.

Best wishes

Saidso

Of course, I understand that some people don't reply regularly. But I'm surprised because he always replied me sooner than expected until he stopped logging in for a month. And I also understand that, because we all have a life beyond the screen. But after a whole month without any word from him, and how he hasn't replied me yet even though he's clearly logging in, it's hard to me not to expect a reply from him.

On the one hand, as I previously said, I'd like to send him something because that's what I'd like someone to do if I forgot to reply that person. This has happened a lot, I check my inbox once in a while, and if I see I didn't reply to someone, I usually reply saying I'm sorry for taking long and I always tell that person to not hesitate to remind me to reply him/her the next time I don't answer.

On the other hand, am I the only one who checks the inbox? He could easily see that he didn't reply to my last message. This is also why I haven't sent him anything yet. What if not logging in for a month is a strategy to make me lose interest in contacting him because he wants me to do so?

To be honest, I became a member of that website to meet people from other countries and have someone to chat with because I feel anxious doing it in real life. But in the end, this is giving me more anxiety than speaking face to face and I wonder if it's worth it.

[luvyrself]

Try not to overthink this. I agree with the poster who said to just write him a one liner. The thing about social media is that people are balancing a lot of relationships. I find that hard to deal with myself because I really prefer a few close relationships than the many that we can have with social media.

[MickeyCheeky]

I COMPLETELY understand what you mean, Franner! I completely agree with what all the other wise, wonderful posters have already wisely said better than I ever could! Try not to think too much about it! If you DO want to restart contact with him I completely agree with what saidso has already wisely suggested about just writing something casually! Even a simple "How are oyu doing? It's been a while!" should be enough! You can always clarify later in the discussion those things you've just mentioned it! That's just my opinion of course, but perhaps he's just been busy or has had other problems! It doesn't necessarely have ANYTHING to do whith you or how you behaved! Just try it out and see how it goes! Let us know how things are going for you, ok? WE ALL CARE ABOUT YOU! THAT'S A PROMISE! I PROMISE YOU ALL OF THAT BECAUSE IT IS TRUE! PLEASE REMEMBER ALL OF THAT AS MUCH AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN BECAUSE IT IS TRUE! THAT'S A PROMISE! WE ALL CARE ABOUT YOU! THAT'S A PROMISE! WISH YOU GOOD LUCK! Let us know how things are going, ok? WE DO CARE! THAT'S A PROMISE! Sending many kind, safe, sweet, warm and WONDERFUL hugs to you, Franner, JUST LIKE YOU ARE!

like someone mentioned, not everyone checks and responds to messages in their inboxes.
maybe he didn't respond to your message because he felt it crossed a boundary (something which you didn't know )
maybe someone else said something which crossed a boundary and he left the site for a while
maybe he just had a life and was too busy to hit the site (it happens..things pile up and you don't go to the computer)

leave it. in time he'll check the box or not.

see him on line post something like good to see you. if it sparks interest good...

[Franner]

Originally Posted by luvyrself

Try not to overthink this. I agree with the poster who said to just write him a one liner. The thing about social media is that people are balancing a lot of relationships. I find that hard to deal with myself because I really prefer a few close relationships than the many that we can have with social media.

Oh, I really wish I could, luvyrself. Sadly, "overthink" is my middle name. I prefer having a few close relationships, too. But I currently don't have any. I've tried to befriend a lot of people in real life, but it failed every single time.

Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky

I COMPLETELY understand what you mean, Franner! I completely agree with what all the other wise, wonderful posters have already wisely said better than I ever could! Try not to think too much about it! If you DO want to restart contact with him I completely agree with what saidso has already wisely suggested about just writing something casually! Even a simple "How are oyu doing? It's been a while!" should be enough! You can always clarify later in the discussion those things you've just mentioned it! That's just my opinion of course, but perhaps he's just been busy or has had other problems! It doesn't necessarely have ANYTHING to do whith you or how you behaved! Just try it out and see how it goes! Let us know how things are going for you, ok? WE ALL CARE ABOUT YOU! THAT'S A PROMISE! I PROMISE YOU ALL OF THAT BECAUSE IT IS TRUE! PLEASE REMEMBER ALL OF THAT AS MUCH AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN BECAUSE IT IS TRUE! THAT'S A PROMISE! WE ALL CARE ABOUT YOU! THAT'S A PROMISE! WISH YOU GOOD LUCK! Let us know how things are going, ok? WE DO CARE! THAT'S A PROMISE! Sending many kind, safe, sweet, warm and WONDERFUL hugs to you, Franner, JUST LIKE YOU ARE!

Originally Posted by resurgam

like someone mentioned, not everyone checks and responds to messages in their inboxes.
maybe he didn't respond to your message because he felt it crossed a boundary (something which you didn't know )
maybe someone else said something which crossed a boundary and he left the site for a while
maybe he just had a life and was too busy to hit the site (it happens..things pile up and you don't go to the computer)

leave it. in time he'll check the box or not.

see him on line post something like good to see you. if it sparks interest good...

Well, I think I'll listen to your advice and I'll send him a single-line message.

Will something like "you haven't been around and I missed talking to you" or "How are you doing? It's been a while!" as saidso and MickeyCheeky suggest be enough?

And when should I send it? Tomorrow will be a week since he started to log in again. Is it OK to send it tomorrow or should I wait a bit more?

[saidso]

Your initial response to my post made me feel like all I'd achieved was irritating you? But something funny happened yesterday which might perhaps encourage you. There is a local woman (next street to mine) who I met at an event. There was a spark and she invited me to dinner - "just give me your phone number and availability and I will send a date". I was away immediately afterwards so dropped a postcard round the her address with my details. She works variable shifts so her husband took the post card. She texted me a brief acknowledgement and then nothing happened. Nothing happened and nothing happened except my sadness and hurt feelings. That was December/ January.! Yesterday I met her by chance in the street and she explained that she had been sick, her mum had been sick, she changed her working hours and workplace, everything went haywire in her life. Having worked variable shifts myself, I totally believe her. So we will have dinner next weekend - six months later lol.

Perhaps that's not the same as online, but all the same emotions of self-judgement came into play for me.

[Franner]

Originally Posted by saidso

Your initial response to my post made me feel like all I'd achieved was irritating you? But something funny happened yesterday which might perhaps encourage you. There is a local woman (next street to mine) who I met at an event. There was a spark and she invited me to dinner - "just give me your phone number and availability and I will send a date". I was away immediately afterwards so dropped a postcard round the her address with my details. She works variable shifts so her husband took the post card. She texted me a brief acknowledgement and then nothing happened. Nothing happened and nothing happened except my sadness and hurt feelings. That was December/ January.! Yesterday I met her by chance in the street and she explained that she had been sick, her mum had been sick, she changed her working hours and workplace, everything went haywire in her life. Having worked variable shifts myself, I totally believe her. So we will have dinner next weekend - six months later lol.

Perhaps that's not the same as online, but all the same emotions of self-judgement came into play for me.

I'm glad you've finally been able to arrange to meet, saidso. And I also hope meeting her is not delayed anymore. This is not my first time waiting for someone's reply, I'm still waiting for an old schoolmate to ask me to meet him. After the graduation ceremony, we talked about our lives and one of the things I told him is that I didn't have many friends and that I hardly left home. He told me that he didn't know that and that he would call me someday to meet and he would gladly chat with me whenever I wanted. We chatted a lot via text and I always asked him if he could, because I didn't want to look eager. Until he started to say he was too busy to chat. I tried the next day, and the next, and the next, and so on. The same answer every single time. That was three years ago, in the summer of 2016. A year later I saw him at the train station and he greeted me. I was expecting him to say something about meeting, but nothing happened. He just left after saying "hello" to me. I sometimes even dream that he replies me. So I understand the feeling of not being replied.

By the way, what do you mean you feel like your post irritate me? I sometimes can sound too negative, especially when deciding whether I should do something or not. But it definitively didn't irritate me. Actually, I thank any shared personal experience because before creating this thread I thought I was alone but now I see that I'm not.

Okay, I've just sent him a message saying "Hello [his name]. How are you doing? It's been a while!". If he doesn't reply, I seriously don't know what to do.
I'll let you know once he replies or if he takes too long again.

[Fuzzybear]

Hugs, thanks for this thread. I tend to “overthink” things a lot (I’m sorry this message isn’t longer, I’ve been online far too long today)

[Franner]

I have good news and bad news.

The good news: he replied me a while after I sent him the aforementioned message. He said he didn't pass any exam (he's at university). But he didn't reply directly to the message I sent a month ago, he just said so. So that makes me wonder if it's true or not. In either case, I gave him the benefit of the doubt and I encouraged him saying that failing an exam didn't define him in any way because it's a completely normal thing and to never give up and keep working. I also asked if it's possible to do a remedial exam or something else in order to not repeat the course again.

The bad news: he hasn't replied yet and I'm afraid he won't log in for a long time again, despite he has been logging every day in the whole week before sending him the message. Coincidence? I was starting to think I did something wrong again. This silent treatment is killing me. I also considered not logging in the website ever again and hide my head in the sand like an ostrich. But then I realized that wouldn't change anything and that I would miss the opportunity to meet great people who are worth chatting with just because someone doesn't reply me.

Thank you all for your kind help and support. I don't know what would have happened if I hadn't asked this here. It's amazing how a simple message is enough to let someone know I'm awaiting a reply instead of that lengthy message of mine. I'm also glad I asked this because now I know I'm not alone and I felt understood. I may post something here again, especially about the disastrous friendships I've had so far. Once again, thanks for your help.