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Old 03-23-2019, 11:10 AM #1
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Default Scared to tell parents we want a family

It's me again. My husband and I had a talk in Janary and we feel that we are ready for children. It will probably take six months to a year and a half as I went in Depo for birth control and that stuff takes up to a year or more to fully wear off. We did not want to tell my parents because they will be first time grandparents and we wanted to surprise them. We have only told his mother and she is happy for us. Now let's go to my folks......they tend to worry a lot and my mom flat out told me right after my sister got engaged a few weeks ago no babies. I wasn't sure what to tell her......I was pissed because she does get overbearing and this is one of those things where she has to stay out of. I fumbled and said I couldn't really guarantee anything and I hear this: "You don't have a good enough car? Don't you have enough money? Have you even thought about childcare? I can't deal with a baby and a wedding!!!!!!" I can understand the last bit but I told her that I wouldn't be upset if she took care of the wedding first as my husband and I will take care of our end. Also the bride to be hasn't given a date and I hope to discuss it with her so we can make sure her day goes smoothly and I don't show up full term ( we are not pregnant yet btw). Also we have been able to pay our bills and the mortgage and while our cars are a bit small for a family I think we can make it work. We plan to sell my husband's truck and my husband and I discussed putting the money into savings for baby needs down the line. Childcare? I think we will cross that bridge when we get to it as our work schedules tend to overlap a little. I can see where I am being selfish but at the same I don't wish to upstage her. It's her day, my husband and I want to make it work. But I don't know what to do with my mother if the baby subject comes up again. Her no babies nag has me too worried to even tell her when the time comes and it does happen. Sorry if it's long and selfish but I'm really not sure how to explain that this is what my husband and I want to do and it's our choice.
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Old 03-23-2019, 11:16 AM #2
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Default Re: Scared to tell parents we want a family

Itís your life. It doesnít matter if your mom doesnít want you to have a baby. She has every right to say she will or will no help pay for anything. You have every right to make your own decisions and do it all your own way, without her support. Live life the way you want and be happy. Donít let other people spoil your happiness. Scared to tell parents we want a family
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Old 03-23-2019, 12:18 PM #3
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Default Re: Scared to tell parents we want a family

Hello Foo Fighter. First, I love your profile name and pic. I like to imagine that the penguin enjoys listening to the Foos

I am sorry you are in this very uncomfortable situation. What you are dealing with here are some major boundary issues. Not okay! Nobody in your family has a right to dictate when or how you procreate. Trust me. That is WILDLY inappropriate. Sure you love your family and want them to be happy but your sister's wedding and your mother's anxiety are irrelevant to your pregnancy plan. Babies have a habit of showing up when they feel like it, not always according to a planned schedule. Yes, it could take quite a while for you to conceive or you may be surprised. I've had several friends who experienced that and everything turned out fine

The discussions only need to be between you and your husband. I would recommend not discussing with anyone else for the time being. A lot of people don't tell anyone until ~ the 3rd month of pregnancy. Though of course these are very personal decisions...different for everyone. I just think at this stage if you limit the # of people you tell, the less Qs/comments/potential drama you will face.

The only reason your mother would have to comment is if you were going to ask her for money or to take care of your baby. Even in that case, she would simply have a right to say yes or no to either request....not to tell you that you should not be procreating! I was honestly shocked when I read that.
If my mother said something like that to me, we'd be having a direct conversation about boundaries. Doesn't sound like you even plan to ask her to care for your baby so this really is not her business. If she doesn't like it, that's just too bad for her. Boundaries are just as important within a family as anywhere else in life. If your mother's anxiety is causing her to panic and overstep, then she can speak with a doctor about medication or a therapist for coping strategies.

As for your sister's wedding. Sometimes weddings get blown out of proportion. If you are pregnant that day, then you are and it will be fine. If you're not, you're not. Again, just because a family member is getting married does not mean she has a right to be involved in your personal choices with your husband.

You and your husband decided you are ready to start a family! That's wonderful news and exciting! Set yourself up to feel grateful and joyous about this stage in your life. If others aren't on board with your happiness, peacefully draw a line in the sand, step back, and leave them to their own devices.

For now, if your mother is mentioning "no babies" you can simply say: "We never know what the future will bring." If she presses further, simply say: "This is not something I'm going to discuss with you." If she flips out at that, just walk away.

If you are open to therapy at all, it could really help you with strategies for setting and maintaining boundaries with your family. That will be even more important once you have a little one added to the mix. So that you aren't getting unsolicited parenting advice etc

Very best wishes to you and your husband! How wonderful!
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Old 03-23-2019, 12:23 PM #4
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Default Re: Scared to tell parents we want a family

Maybe I donít understand but why is it their business? How can anyone tell anyone not to have children unless maybe if you were a minor or dependent on your parents. Your parents donít need to pay for weddings of babies but they canít tell people to not marry or have kids. Thatís bizarre.

Good luck with trying!!!
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Old 03-23-2019, 12:35 PM #5
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Default Re: Scared to tell parents we want a family

It IS your choice, and it is definitely not selfish. It sounds like you've really thought it through. It's up to you and your husband to decide, not your mother. It's your life, not hers. Just inform her, whenever you're ready, don't fret so much about what she thinks, and let her deal with it. It's her issue. Seems you're well prepared! And congrats! How exciting!
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Old 03-23-2019, 12:38 PM #6
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Default Re: Scared to tell parents we want a family

I really think that childcare should be the number one priority on your list.

Have you given it any thought at all? Not just the cost but what type? (home care, subsidized care, structured care, daycare institution?) Have you made yourself aware of the state of childcare in your community? Childcare generally involves lengthy waiting lists. Most of any reputable quality will have a requirement to interview the parents too. Most people get themselves on a list as soon as the child is born - or earlier.

You need to plan for childcare now - before you even get pregnant. Don't assume the right one will be available when you need it.
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Old 03-23-2019, 12:52 PM #7
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Default Re: Scared to tell parents we want a family

I'm sure you and your hub will figure everything out as you need to FooFighter. You sound like a very thoughtful and intelligent woman. Not selfish at all, as HaveHope wisely pointed out! Happy times!
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Old 03-23-2019, 08:27 PM #8
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Default Re: Scared to tell parents we want a family

Thanks everyone. It's up in the air right now when things will happen which my mother and I don't like ( I have had to tell myself it's too early.....just try and get your ducks in a row first). Boundaries are a must. I am used to sharing things with my folks and I don't think boundaries really got established. I did stop the money talk though. She asked how much I had and I said that was personal. She didn't bring it up again. She does care but when her anxiety goes off mine goes off and yeah, not good. Still thanks for the advice everyone I am feeling better.
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Old 03-23-2019, 11:10 PM #9
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Default Re: Scared to tell parents we want a family

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Originally Posted by Foo Fighter View Post
Thanks everyone. It's up in the air right now when things will happen which my mother and I don't like ( I have had to tell myself it's too early.....just try and get your ducks in a row first). Boundaries are a must. I am used to sharing things with my folks and I don't think boundaries really got established. I did stop the money talk though. She asked how much I had and I said that was personal. She didn't bring it up again. She does care but when her anxiety goes off mine goes off and yeah, not good. Still thanks for the advice everyone I am feeling better.
Glad you are feeling better Foo Fighter! You are strong. You'll figure things out with your mother. Maybe you would like to try guided meditation when you are feeling stressed? There are some great options. Feel free to PM me if you'd like to talk more. Peace to you.
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Old 06-06-2019, 03:40 PM #10
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Default Re: Scared to tell parents we want a family

Good news everyone! Well I accidentally vented to the wrong person and my mom found out but we had a talk and realized that she did go a bit too far. She just doesn't want me to be over seven months flying in the mountains. She apologized for overstepping and I apologized for running my mouth to the wrong person (she said I did speak the truth but to discuss it with a family member). We talked about what to do and both of us decided that it would not be a very good idea to fly at or near full term into the mountains, even if my sister's in-laws are doctors. That was the issue she had. I agreed with her on that and understood. Hopefully if everything goes okay we hope for a little one around Christmas or new years next year with Grandma to be excited as well.
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