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Old 03-24-2019, 05:56 PM #1
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Default Intense feelings I'm a new relationship

Firstly I am 34 and my partner is 41. We both have kids and we both have had a pretty tough time the last few years, but let me explain.

I have been seeing my partner for the past 3 months, let’s call her Sally! We met about 5 years ago while working together, we got on great and it was clear we were both attracted to each other but unfortunately Sally and I had ongoing personal issues that would make a relationship almost impossible. I then moved onto another job but we kept in touch for a number of years where unfortunately we then lost contact.

During the month of August 2018 I started a new job and while walking to work one morning Sally and I bumped into each other on the street and the spark was instant and we both knew it.

We started talking regularly again and decided to meet up outside of work. On Sunday the 20th January we met for coffee and discussed each other’s lives after we lost contact. We both felt very comfortable around each other as we chatted away happily laughing and joking about old times.

We then left Starbucks, turned to face each other and we kissed, held each other tight and it felt amazing!! We just looked at each other smiling happily. As we walked away we both turned back at the same time and smiled ear to ear, this was the moment I knew she was the girl that I wanted and needed in my life.

4 months on I've met her parents and family. We traveled to Copenhagen recently where I met more of her friends and family and things are going great.

Sally lost her fiancé a number of years ago due to cancer and although she had a number of short term relationships nothing was ever at the level we are at now. The fact she allowed me to meet her family, Daughter and friends was a massive step for her and even the way she has opened up to me etc was also a big move.

We slept together after 1 week of dating and really opened up to each other again because it felt as if we had been together for years!. We spoke about our feelings and how things were progressing and we both agreed that things were going just fine even though it was kind of scary how comfortable and how quick things were moving.

My past relationship was simply horrible. We had two children both of whom died at birth one year after each other. On both occasions my ex-partner went into labour without notifying me and to this day I have seen no pictures, no birth certs, no death certs or have any information whatsoever on my children. I pleaded with my ex from months on end to tell me what happened and she simply brushed it off and told me that she wanted to move on with life and that I had to accept it, obviously I couldn't accept it and a few months after our second child passed away I ended the relationship.

My ex-partner was very demanding and controlling and simply wanted everything her way and I'm nothing I ever did was good enough. Yet when we had an argument she would eventually break down and tell me that I was the most important person in her life and I was all she ever wanted yet at the same time I was not important enough to be at the birth of our children nor was I good enough in certain circumstances.

I spent many years in the army and due to this I was usually very strong minded and could control and manipulate my emotions and stay strong. However in 2014 I lost my mother to cancer and then in 2017 and 2018 I lost two children and I simply couldn't hold back the emotions or control them any longer. I was severely depressed and suffering with anxiety has started to affect my work and personal life, but then I met Sally and lard changed!! Sally listened to everything I had to say and never once did she put me down like my ex or question me in anyway. She obviously asked questions about how I was feeling and what I did in certain situations but I was never judged by her and she has always been there to support the last few months.

needless to say the past few months have been the happiest I've been in many years but there is one problem, I could spend an entire weekend with Sally or spend hours on the phone with her but the minute she is not there or the minute we don't talk I feel very lonely, depressed, anxious and I miss her so much. you would think a 34 years of age I have come across these feelings before but the thing is I haven't, as I said I was always very strong minded and I could control my emotions and keep myself together with ease. I have really let my guard down with Sally and really opened up and this is probably why I am feeling this way but the problem is sometimes it's horrible!!


Tonight for instance she asked me over to have dinner with with her and her daughter, she hasn't been feeling great due to a flu and I have been looking after her over the past few days. Tonight just before i left she went into bed and kissed me goodnight. Obviously because she is not well she is not herself and she wasn't as engaging or romantic as she usually is and in my mind this is perfectly fine because this is what happens when you're not well and I was the exact same in previous relationships.

The issue I'm having is is that I feel as if she had no interest yet I know that's not true, I know she really cares about me as if she didn't she wouldn't have let me in as close as she has and she has told me this many times.

So why do I feel this way, why do I have these feelings of impending doom and why do I miss her so much and get so anxious when I know that things are ok and I know that I will speak to her and see her very soon. She constantly tells me how happy she is and she constantly reminds me how much she cares about me, she has also mentioned that she is happy and he also sees this relationship becoming long term.


So again why do I feel this way? Why can't I just feel happy without having the feelings of anxiety and depression!!
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Old 03-25-2019, 03:44 AM #2
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Default Re: Intense feelings I'm a new relationship

Welcome to PC

I see that this is your second post. Unfortunately, depressions and anxieties do not just disappear when life is handing out roses.
Reading through your storyline, it makes sense why there's a doomsday feeling. At the same time, wanting it to not be there despite logic giving it reason to not be there, says to me that it might be important to sit with those grief feelings from your past. Maybe even with a trained professional/therapist?
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Old 03-25-2019, 05:11 AM #3
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Default Re: Intense feelings I'm a new relationship

I'm so sorry you're hurting so much, Kwackerjack I understand what you mean. You've been through a lot and it's normal that you'd feel this way about yourself. I completely agree with what healingme4me has already wisely said better than I ever could! I'd suggest to listen to her if you can. She always gives great advice. I'd suggest to work on yourself a bit. It's great that you've found the right person for you, and I wish you both many years of happiness and fulfillment! However you need to be happy with yourself first and not just with other people. I agree about seeing a therapist. Maybe that could help. You could learn new ways to cope with your feelings. I feel like it may be really helpful to you! Please do consider it! I'm sure your girlfriend will be supportive of you and your decision. Keep working on yourself and try to rebuild your self-esteem! You CAN do this! I believe in you! We all believe in you! We're all rooting for you! You're a strong, wonderful person. I'm sure you'll be able to get through all of this. Keep fighting! You're awesome! You're strong! You're a warrior! Remember that we're here for you if you need it. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this, Kwackerjack! I'm sure you'll be able to get through all of this! Please don't give up! Try to hang on! You're a strong, wonderful person! I hope things will get better soon for you and that your girlfriend will keep being supportive! Keep fighting! Remember that you're awesome and strong! I'm so sorry you're going through all of this
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Old 03-25-2019, 05:24 AM #4
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Default Re: Intense feelings I'm a new relationship

I actually recommend to talk to your partner and see if it helps. She maybe feels the same or maybe she could reassure you in a certain way. My husband had an absolute awful marriage and generally speaking rough life before he met me so when he met me he became rather needy and sometimes freaks out I’ll leave or something. It helps him when he tells me that so we can get to the bottom of it together. Tell her.
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Old 03-25-2019, 06:09 AM #5
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Default Re: Intense feelings I'm a new relationship

What helps is to reassure yourself each and every time you doubt her feelings. Use the evidence that you have which shows she does care and wants to be with you. Challenge your own thoughts and worries with what you actually hear and experience from her.

It's good to miss someone, but it's also best to not become too dependent on them emotionally. This may be a stretch here, but you may also be leaning on your partner's company to deal with the grief of your loss of the children and your ex partner's cruelty of not informing you. Just a shot in the dark.... you may not be, but you could be, especially since you were having depression before you met Sally. Maybe you're afraid to be without her or lose her because then you would feel depressed again? Maybe a therapist would be helpful for processing your feelings more?

And I am terribly sorry for your loss. That is just awful and so very sad. Even more awful that she didn't tell you. I would be enraged.
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Old 03-25-2019, 09:16 AM #6
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Default Re: Intense feelings I'm a new relationship

Thank you for your kind words and support.

I have spoken to my Doctor and he is referring me to a therapist.

Regarding the loss of my Children Sally knows all the details and we have spoken about this. I don't think my feelings are due to the fact I'm looking for Sally as a shoulder to lean on. I am happy and content that she is the girl I want a relationship with and not just someone to give me company etc.

As I said I have known and liked Sally for many years so my want to be in a relationship with her was there before my children were conceived. The fact is I have gotten more support and guidance off Sally than I ever have off my ex, I suppose this is a reason as to why my feelings towards her are very strong as I know she will support me and that we have a good future ahead.

Sally is the old version if me. She shows emotions and is romantic but gets on with her day. I was always like this but with Sally I think about here 24/7 and miss her terribly. But how come I've never felt this was before, is it due to the fact I was hurt previously and afraid if being hurt again or is it because she is so supportive and that maybe I have actually found " the one" ??

I don't know but either way these feelings can be very overwhelming and I am trying to slow them down and enjoy our new relationship.
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Old 03-25-2019, 09:18 AM #7
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Default Re: Intense feelings I'm a new relationship

Sometimes when one soul really sees the other soul..its like the two cant be the same without each other. I do not mean codependently. I mean able to be independent but needing that common love with one another after a bad day at work, or a happy moment. Having arms around you when you sleep really means something sometimes. I guess that is hokey. I met my husband when I was with another boyfriend at age 18. I went down to his room looking for his roommate and he was there. We talked for about two hours and my bf finally came looking for me. As I got up to leave I swear I heard a voice that said " you are going to marry this man". It took my breath away. The next day I broke up with my boyfriend and immediately hung around with my husband. It blossomed almost instantly. We were engaged when I was 20 and had a son by the time I was 21. We have never been apart going on 24 years with three kids. I am very blessed and he did not leave me when I was an active alcoholic and I didnt leave him when he was so depressed and out of work for over a year. We are truly connected and soul mates. I do not share this to brag because I know I am lucky and what we have is rare. People thought we were too fast at the time. We just knew, and maybe its that way for you. So talk to Sally and see if that is what it could be. And I am not saying that it is, just letting you know that I get where you are coming from.
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Old 03-25-2019, 05:07 PM #8
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[QUOTE=sarahsweets;6480153][FONT="Comic Sans MS"][COLOR="Indigo"][SIZE="3"] Sometimes when one soul really sees the other soul.......

We both talked and agreed that this relationship was meant to happen. We met on the street and ended up in the same job. Also we both spoke about the instant spark and the eye we had for each other years back.

I've no doubt she wants this relationship to work and last. But my mind runs wild. She is sick and went to sleep tonight at 830, my heart said no problem but my head was like is she ignoring me, talking or seeing someone else, is she sick of my attention etc and even though I know this is not the case at all I can't help but think it! This thinking actually annoys me because I know she is not that type of person and it upsets me that I think that way.

Like I said I've never been like this. I've always been laid back and relaxed in a relationship. Now that I have met the girl that I will possibly spend my life with why do I feel this way?
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Old 03-25-2019, 05:47 PM #9
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Default Re: Intense feelings I'm a new relationship

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kwackerjack View Post
Thank you for your kind words and support.

I have spoken to my Doctor and he is referring me to a therapist.

Regarding the loss of my Children Sally knows all the details and we have spoken about this. I don't think my feelings are due to the fact I'm looking for Sally as a shoulder to lean on. I am happy and content that she is the girl I want a relationship with and not just someone to give me company etc.

As I said I have known and liked Sally for many years so my want to be in a relationship with her was there before my children were conceived. The fact is I have gotten more support and guidance off Sally than I ever have off my ex, I suppose this is a reason as to why my feelings towards her are very strong as I know she will support me and that we have a good future ahead.

Sally is the old version if me. She shows emotions and is romantic but gets on with her day. I was always like this but with Sally I think about here 24/7 and miss her terribly. But how come I've never felt this was before, is it due to the fact I was hurt previously and afraid if being hurt again or is it because she is so supportive and that maybe I have actually found " the one" ??

I don't know but either way these feelings can be very overwhelming and I am trying to slow them down and enjoy our new relationship.

Ok, well that's good you know this!

I cannot answer your question really. I think it's only an answer you can find for yourself? I could make my best educated guesses, but you know what's in your head and heart better than anyone.

Yes, ENJOY! It's easy to get carried away with thoughts of this being "the one", but allow the relationship to breathe and grow naturally. There's no rush... enjoy the here and now with her. The early stages of falling in love and being in love are the most magical. Enjoy it!!!
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