[baobaozi]

It’s pretty obvious from the title. I have this friend that I met because we enrolled to the same univ at the same year. Let’s call her Brittany. We don’t have anything in common except we are from the same country but she is still a good friend of mine. (Keep in mind we are studying abroad)

We don’t get in touch for a long time because Brittany got herself a boyfriend, and now that they broke up, her mom starting to text me a lot. I’m assuming this is also happening to her ex bf because I heard of a story before.

Brittany’s mom called me once I was at work before, and thinking it was urgent I called her back. Turned out that Brittany was neglecting her studies and got the worst GPA ever that she’s crying all night. Brittany’s mom asked me to visit her daughter and stay over at her place to comfort her. It was really late, and I just got off work so I said that’s impossible. The mom still convinced me to visit Brittany, which I said I’m gonna hangout with Brittany later anyways so it doesn’t matter. And finally the mom calmed down. I called Brittany after that, and she was quite down but she was fine.

Just yesterday, Brittany’s mom texting me again. She reminded me of Brittany’s birthday which will be on early April, and asked me to buy a cake and surprise her. I said of course I’m gonna do that, because she is my friend. But it’s getting weirder when she said I need to tell her how much is the price of the cake so she can transfer some money to my bank account. I was surprised and refused, but she said it’s her request so she should take care of it.

I have no problem at all with Brittany. She’s a cool kid and she’s nice. But I feel kinda burdened everytime her mom requesting something from me. I don’t want anyone or even myself getting the idea I only hangout with Brittany cause of her mom. I don’t even know if Brittany knows about it.

I’m confused, what should I do?

[WishfulThinker66]

Definitely not her place and definitely neither your own problem nor responsibility.

Unfortunately I believe the only answer is to confront the woman about this. Ignoring it will only make this a mountain or a problem which will become harder and harder to break free from.

I don't envy you but I have in fact been in somewhat similar a position.

I was an acquaintance of a young woman as we were coworkers. On one occasion, having recently left my husband, she was very nice enough to invite me to a family holiday supper. My friend was graciously ensuring I was not alone for Easter. I then met all my friend's family including her mother. The woman immediately latched on to me and unfortunately we exchanged contact information.

Well my friend it turned out was (undiagnosed) depressed. I could tell this and I did my best to be a good cheerful friend. Her mother however felt it was my responsibility to make her daughter happy even to the point she would chastise me if she found out I did not call her daughter all the time or include her in my every activity. Well this all came to a boil on my friend's 30th birthday. Her mom practically ordered me to throw a surprise birthday extravaganza. The problem was, that at that time I lived near 1200km away! What a head-shaker. Honestly, just how on earth the women thought this way.

So I explained to her the predicament - which she knew full well I had moved. Her response was to demand I take time off and fly back to the City to organise and throw the party. She was counting on me to do so and really leaned on me with the guilt trip.

So I had to have a confrontation. It wasn't pretty but it was done. I told the woman I could not and would not do it. I also told her under no circumstances was she to contact me again. Boy did I catch an earful about what a horrible friend I was and that her daughter didn't matter to me.

That was nine years ago. I eventually did tell my friend about what her mother was doing behind her back. She was as you can expect absolutely mortified. She was completely unaware.

Thank goodness though the monkey was off my back - it only took me five years to do it.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by baobaozi

It’s pretty obvious from the title. I have this friend that I met because we enrolled to the same univ at the same year. Let’s call her Brittany. We don’t have anything in common except we are from the same country but she is still a good friend of mine. (Keep in mind we are studying abroad)

We don’t get in touch for a long time because Brittany got herself a boyfriend, and now that they broke up, her mom starting to text me a lot. I’m assuming this is also happening to her ex bf because I heard of a story before.

Brittany’s mom called me once I was at work before, and thinking it was urgent I called her back. Turned out that Brittany was neglecting her studies and got the worst GPA ever that she’s crying all night. Brittany’s mom asked me to visit her daughter and stay over at her place to comfort her. It was really late, and I just got off work so I said that’s impossible. The mom still convinced me to visit Brittany, which I said I’m gonna hangout with Brittany later anyways so it doesn’t matter. And finally the mom calmed down. I called Brittany after that, and she was quite down but she was fine.

Just yesterday, Brittany’s mom texting me again. She reminded me of Brittany’s birthday which will be on early April, and asked me to buy a cake and surprise her. I said of course I’m gonna do that, because she is my friend. But it’s getting weirder when she said I need to tell her how much is the price of the cake so she can transfer some money to my bank account. I was surprised and refused, but she said it’s her request so she should take care of it.

I have no problem at all with Brittany. She’s a cool kid and she’s nice. But I feel kinda burdened everytime her mom requesting something from me. I don’t want anyone or even myself getting the idea I only hangout with Brittany cause of her mom. I don’t even know if Brittany knows about it.

I’m confused, what should I do?

first politely ask her to stop calling you. Then if that doesnt' work, block her number. problem solved. I'm not even sure why an acquaintance's mother would have yours. that is way out of the realm of normal.

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm so sorry you're going through all of this, baobaozi I understand why you'd feel confused! I agree with what all the other people on this thread have already wisely said better than I ever could! You've been given a lot of great advice on this thread! I'd suggest to follow it if you can! I agree about politely talking to her about this and see how it goes from there. Tell her that you'll keep being her friend, of course, but on your own time and schedule and that there's no need for her to contact you to tell you what to do. If she gets upset or refuses to stop contacting you, you may want to block her number. I know it's an hard decision to take, but if it bothers you so much, you have every right to do that! It's your own privacy and space that we're talking about after all! I'm not sure if I'd suggest you to talk to your friend about this though. Perhaps it's not necessary. I'm not sure about it though. The final decision is up to you! Remember that we're here for you if you need it. Feel free to PM me anytime! Let me know if I can do something to help you! Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes! I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this, baobazi! You don't deserve to go through all of this at all! You don't deserve to suffer at all! Nobody deserves to suffer at all! Keep fighting! You're a strong, wonderful! You're awesome! You're strong! You're a warrior! Please don't give up! Try to hang on as much as you can! Remember that you're awesome and strong!

[sarahsweets]

I agree with what others have said and would make it a priority to nip it in the bud before it gets worse.

[ArtleyWilkins]

I don't see this mom in quite the bad light most do, maybe because I'm a mom. Just sounds like a very worried mom whose separated many miles from a daughter she's concerned about.

Her intentions are good. She's trying to actually be sure doing this isn't a burden financially to you, but at the same time she's interfering a bit too much and probably not realizing it.

Just reassure the mom you've got it covered. Thank her for her thoughtfulness and willingness to help out but that it isn't necessary.

Mom's just worried and grateful there is someone there for her when she can't be herself. You can set boundaries by simply reassuring her that you are her daughter's friend and perhaps just encouraging her to talk directly to her daughter rather than to you. Perhaps suggest that that kind of direct communication is really what would most help her daughter.

I suspect once the daughter gets past this crisis and seems to be doing better, the mother will stop contacting.

[s4ndm4n2006]

I wouldn't frame the mother in a bad light so much if this were, say, a long time established friend or close friend but it doesn't sound like this is the case.

I have this friend that I met because we enrolled to the same univ at the same year. Let’s call her Brittany. We don’t have anything in common except we are from the same country but she is still a good friend of mine. ...

We don’t get in touch for a long time because Brittany got herself a boyfriend, and now that they broke up, her mom starting to text me a lot. I’m assuming this is also happening to her ex bf because I heard of a story before.

Sounds more like an acquaintance that resulted from having the fact that they are both abroad studying. Not having anything in common, I have a hard time thinking this is a close friendship from the description.

In a close friendship many times one will become close to the family because of the friendship established over many years and then in (some) cases, the parent or parents is in communication with the friend and then it's kind of a given that this kind of expectation would be present.

But in this situation I do think it's odd, first that the mother even has her number and second that she would put this pressure on someone that is, assuming I'm right, a casual acquaintance.

It actually makes me feel like the mother is quite the meddler and possibly a controlling one. I mean sharing the academics of her daughter with a friend to try to get them to help fix the problem? That's a bit intrusive to both the daughter and the acquaintance in my honest opinion.

[WishfulThinker66]

Originally Posted by ArtleyWilkins

I don't see this mom in quite the bad light most do, maybe because I'm a mom. Just sounds like a very worried mom whose separated many miles from a daughter she's concerned about.

Her intentions are good. She's trying to actually be sure doing this isn't a burden financially to you, but at the same time she's interfering a bit too much and probably not realizing it.

Just reassure the mom you've got it covered. Thank her for her thoughtfulness and willingness to help out but that it isn't necessary.

Mom's just worried and grateful there is someone there for her when she can't be herself. You can set boundaries by simply reassuring her that you are her daughter's friend and perhaps just encouraging her to talk directly to her daughter rather than to you. Perhaps suggest that that kind of direct communication is really what would most help her daughter.

I suspect once the daughter gets past this crisis and seems to be doing better, the mother will stop contacting.

I ardently disagree. This mom needs to mind her own business and not insert herself into her daughter's relationships. If having such an event is so important to her perhaps she ought to be organizing it herself and then invite the OP to participate. Putting the onus on the OP is rather inappropriate - not to mention gauche.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by ArtleyWilkins

I don't see this mom in quite the bad light most do, maybe because I'm a mom. Just sounds like a very worried mom whose separated many miles from a daughter she's concerned about.

Her intentions are good. She's trying to actually be sure doing this isn't a burden financially to you, but at the same time she's interfering a bit too much and probably not realizing it.

Just reassure the mom you've got it covered. Thank her for her thoughtfulness and willingness to help out but that it isn't necessary.

Mom's just worried and grateful there is someone there for her when she can't be herself. You can set boundaries by simply reassuring her that you are her daughter's friend and perhaps just encouraging her to talk directly to her daughter rather than to you. Perhaps suggest that that kind of direct communication is really what would most help her daughter.

I suspect once the daughter gets past this crisis and seems to be doing better, the mother will stop contacting.

I am a mother too and live far away from my daughter.

I can’t inagine calling people reminding them of my daughters birthday. That’s crazy making.

I talk to my daughter, not to other people about my daughter. Makes me think this mother doesn’t have connection with her daughter hence she goes through third party. That’s nuts.

Sure in time of crisis I’d ask someone to maybe check on her if she didnt answer the phone but not make sure they celebrate her birthday and ger her a cake lol My daughter would be so embrassed!

In fact I am in touch with few of my daughters close friends because I’ve known them for years. But I’d not be calling them making sure they got her birthday cake or tell them to check up on her college grades lol

[baobaozi]

Thank you all for responding. I just found out that Brittany apparently needs to call her mom at least once a day. And she told her mom herself my contact info and also other friends that she’s closed to. She also knows about her mom being like that, even kinda normalize it.

Idk anymore. I feel like I’m the only one overreacting about it. She still doesn’t know about the birthday thing though.

[lizardlady]

Sounds like Brittany and her mother both have problems respecting other people's boundaries. You are probably going to have to be very direct with both. Let Brittany know she should not share your contact with anyone again. And let her mother know to stop contacting you - period. If she keeps it up block her number.

Personally I don't believe you are over reacting. They both violated your boundaries, which would be upsetting for anyone.

[WishfulThinker66]

Originally Posted by baobaozi

Thank you all for responding. I just found out that Brittany apparently needs to call her mom at least once a day. And she told her mom herself my contact info and also other friends that she’s closed to. She also knows about her mom being like that, even kinda normalize it.

Idk anymore. I feel like I’m the only one overreacting about it. She still doesn’t know about the birthday thing though.

Baobaozi - no you definitely are not overreacting. Your feelings are valid. Please appreciate you don't need permission to feel this way. You are a good person whether you do or do not organize something.

It is obvious that Mom and daughter are clinging to one another. Mom has unfortunately helicoptered over her child's life. The apron strings need to be cut at some point anyway and maybe now is the time to do such.

You can still help celebrate this young lady's special day without organizing it all.