Ghosted & It Hurts

A dear gf of mine that I met online a few years ago suddenly ghosted me last year and it really hurts.

We had been pen pals for about two years, emailing lengthy and personal emails to each other. We became very close friends and related on numerous levels. We helped each other through our respective life challenges as well.

She traveled overseas to work a year ago and then suddenly ghosted me out of the blue. All I am left with is: what did I say or do wrong?

I don't obsess over it, but I randomly thought of her this morning, hoping she is Ok and it hurt all over again.

So why do people ghost each other? Especially when you've met online? Do people think it's easier because they've never met in person?

All it does is leave bad feelings and it leaves the ghosted questioning what they did to turn them off.

I would have preferred if she had just been honest with me if she no longer wished to continue being pen pals. Honesty would hurt too, but far less than ghosting.

Could you ask her what’s up?

I tried... several times. I emailed a few different times saying what's going on? Did I do something wrong? And are you OK? Then in my last email I told her that what she did really hurt me. NO replies to any of my last emails. Then of course I worried that something bad had happened to her. And that's what happens when you get ghosted.

Remember, you might not have done anything. There could be something going on with her that you just do not know about.

Very true. She was having a lot of inner strife and trouble when she moved overseas. I just worry that something horrible happened but I don’t know anything. She could have just eased out of the friendship and I definitely would have gotten the hint. She could have said “oh I’m just so busy” instead.

If I were you, I would do my best to not take it personally. Many times people just become wrapped up in other things and life gets in the way. I'm sure it's nothing you said or did.

Thank you! I’ll try but that’s hard for me.

I’m sorry this happened! It would hurt anyone who cared about their friend. I too would prefer it if someone gently eased out of the friendship.. much kinder. And as you said it also leaves you with the questions of
A) what if anything did you do “wrong”
B) maybe something bad has happened to her



I get it. I promise that many here understand. This sort of thing hurts.

I'm sorry to hear you are hurting. If it is someone you know only Online, it is possible that she decided she wants to only be friends with people she met.

Or maybe she decied to go social media free and focus more on her family.

Whatever it may be, it is highly unlikely that it's anything personal against you.

Well finally I think I know what the term means. I am really quite sorry that this has happened to you. I can see why this would be taken personally. I know I would do the same.

I think it most likely that something has happened at her end and that you have done nothing at all to cause this.

I mentioned today in another thread the consideration of evidence for things that concern and worry us. I am trying hard to think this way these days myself. Basically consider what IS the evidence for thinking you are the cause for this? What then is the evidence AGAINST this - namely what evidence is there you have done nothing at all? I am going to reach out here and hazard to guess that the second list is actually more realistic if not even longer.

I am sorry you have lost this friendship. It obviously mattered to you a great deal. Healing from broken relationships of any kind is difficult at best. I think I would also ask myself about those good qualities that made me a good friend in the first place and remind myself that they still exist.

Thank you, all! HUGS!

This friendship DID matter to me in fact. I have few girlfriends that I talk to regularly, and she was one of them. I thought we had a special connection.

I honestly think that the moment she ghosted me was when I got particularly heavy on an issue I was having. Perhaps she just coudn't handle it.

Or maybe she decided she wanted IRL friends, as you mentioned above.

Who knows? All I know is it just hurts, and I am left with no answers and feeling like it was me, even if maybe it wasn't. I will never know the truth, and that's what bothers me the most. I need to get to the bottom of things in life.

You may not know the truth about the other person, and many times that's the case in life. But you know the truth about yourself. That's the most important part, and what helps you move forward.

You know you only had good intentions and meant well in all that you wrote.

You know you wrote to her about heavier subject matters out of a sincere belief that she can handle it (apparently she couldn't and not everyone can).

Knowing that you are a person with pure motives, who is capable of genuine friendships, is a great truth to hold onto.

Thank you, ennie! That is very sweet!

More than a year ago I wrote to someone I loved very much in the past. I waited anxiously for the reply; it never came. It still hurts me so much that I have to try hard not to think about it, and if a thought does come I have to make an effort to send it straight to God, because I simply don’t have the tools to handle it. It’s just too painful and too complicated. So I think I can understand your pain and I am deeply sorry for it. I am aware of things I did to destroy my relationship but you did no such things.

I do end up thinking it is a little kinder for the ghoster to provide at least some acknowledgement that they received your message, and perhaps a gentle explanation of what’s going on with them.

(((Hugs & support))). ❤️

Aw, I'm so sorry. That's terrible!

And thank you. I agree that some sort of explanation is far more kind.

It always rubs me the wrong way, when people use the platitude, "oh it wasn't personal about you." How do you know? Maybe it was? I get it. People are trying to soften the blow, but saying something like that, is akin to telling someone at a funeral, "they're in a better place now." How do you know that? What makes you the expert? And, I didn't need you to tell me that but thanks. Cynical, much? Yes, yes, I am.

I have been ghosted before by former friends online - 3 I knew since college, 2 I only knew as pen pals online - and it really hurt my feelings not being given a reason why. Should I delude myself thinking it had nothing to do with me? No. Of course it had to do with me. I"m the only other variable in the friendship. Obviously, they decided they didn't like me anymore, so they just deleted me.

People don't just cut you out because they decided to go off of Facebook, or are going through a rough time. No. People cut you out, when you stop being a priority to them in their life. It's unfortunate that this is how people handle social media connections; their lack of manners astounds me. If I no longer matter to you in your life, at least have the decency to tell me that b/c I'd rather feel hurt by the truth, than hurt not knowing 'why' I'm no longer important to you.

The same thing happened to me with a friend online. We met through a Facebook group, then I went to visit her and her husband in her city and we'd been friends for at least two years by that point. But, as soon as I leaned on her for emotional support while i went through a financial crisis, she up and deleted me from her Facebook; wouldn't return my phone call, or respond to my email. I didn't ask her for money, I just shared my fears about my financial straits at that time with her. So, I don't think she could handle it - or she didn't want to take that on, b/c it meant that our friendship was more than just two women having hilarious conversations with each other as pen pals online.

The fact that she didn't respect me enough after two years of friendship - especially when we met in person and hung out for a period of time together - really hurt my feelings. Not knowing why I suddenly lost value in her life as a friend b/c I leaned on her for support, will always bother me. Like, you, I need to get to the bottom of things in life. I don't like being left hanging, b/c there's no excuse reasonable enough FOR ME to justify doing that to someone. No excuse. Except that I will now think she's a total jerk and a coward.

I sometimes wonder if social media had never been invented, if people would treat each other this way? Just delete you, without any explanation.

People who make up excuses with me, as to why they can't hang out, is probably my biggest pet peeve in life. You can hang out, you just don't want to.

Oh my gosh... I can so relate to what you're saying! I bolded what resonated with me the most, and I agree! I would much rather be hurt by the truth, ie, we need to go our separate ways, then to be ghosted and left wondering why???????

I hate that feeling! Don't people realize how very hurtful it is? It seems so selfish to me... so self-absorbed... like they are the ones that matter, not you or your feelings.

And yes, the lack of manners!!! Common courtesy????? Thoughtfulness????? Sensitivity????? Where did that go???????

I get it. TY so much. And so sorry you've been hurt too. It's not right, and it's not OK. It IS a reflection on them as a person and their character.

Your story makes me think of the saying "fair weather friend". When you needed her, she disappeared. She was a fair weather friend only, which is a painful realization when you expect them to be otherwise... and that a deeper bond and sense of caring existed.

That's possibly what happened to the online friend who ghosted me. Perhaps she was a fair weather friend as well. I supported her mainly through her hardships, then when things got hard for me, she disappeared.

Some people are skin deep. It's sad, but true. I bet even without social media, people would be this way.

I'm very sorry your friend stopped being your friend. I presume that's what ghosted means by reading your op and the responses. I hope time will heal your hurt feelings. You may not believe this. Time does heal. Hugs.