Attacked by sister-in-law

About a year ago, my family and I went to visit my SIL and her family. They were rather cold and distant towards us. In fact, we felt like we were bothering them by visiting. Something we found odd since they'd been begging for us to come visit. I later found out my MIL had told them some nasty lies about us and they were in fact angry. My MIL is notorious for misreading situations and people, seeing things as problems that aren't, and quite frankly, she's been caught being a bit devious by stirring up trouble just because she's jealous. It's a known fact between me and my SIL to take whatever my MIL says with a "grain of salt". So I was very saddened when I received an angry message from my SIL accusing me of gossip and prejudice. She fired one accusation at me after another, then insulted me by calling me pathetic and childish. I offered up a defense for myself trying to explain the truth of the matter and expose all the lies told to her by my MIL, but she would not hear of it. Blocked me on social media and has refused to speak to me for over a year. Here's the thing....my SIL had a choice when she heard the lies. She should have known it was all garbage, but even if she did not, she chose NOT to call me and simply ask me about it. She accepted the lies as truth and threw me under the bus. Apparently I mean so little to her that she did not have the courtesy to extend to me by asking me about the lies first and opening the chance for discussion. I don't like people like this. they are back stabbers and can never be trusted. Curiously, my husband and I recently received an invitation in the mail from my SIL. She and her husband are having another wedding for themselves to celebrate their 30th wedding anniversary, complete with a registry asking for gifts and money (which I think is BEYOND TACKY). My husband is going, but I'm not. No way will I sit there and support them as family when they've treated me like dirt. Am I right to take this stand?

IMHO, if your husband wants to go let him but you don't have to go. It sounds like your MIL WANTED to stir the pot with whatever she said and she knew what would bother your SIL. You do NOT have to participate in his family's dysfunction. It's good that you have decided not to do so too.

That’s really tacky and I would not go either. It doesn’t sound like your husband is pressuring you to go which is really good. You can’t trust these people and I would stay away or minimize contact. Your husband probably just wants to keep some kind of peace and I would be supportive of that while relaxing at home, far away from the whole ordeal.

No way...I would most definitely go. If you did nothing wrong, there is no need to forgo an opportunity to get dressed up and consume great food and alcohol that is laid on for free.

I wouldn't give a gift either...she will only discover this after you have left. And if they want to whine about you for attending or not giving a gift...then let them, you are in their bad books anyway. Nothing you do or don't do will sway their opinion of you, and the more you shy away or protest...the more they will deflect onto you. Just go, meet some new people, eat nice food...and be sure to swipe some of the silverware.

No! I am going through this with my sister because of her jealous best friend who will tear anyone apart.

I agree! You shouldn't have to go somewhere and feel uncomfortable or have to constantly worry about whether your mil might say something.

That great advice! I wish that I had thought about that myself!

Thats terrible. Sometimes defending yourself if useless with people that believe nonsense. As long as you wont feel left out by not going or jealous- say this because if it was me, I might- then dont go. Are you upset that your husband wants to go? Was the nonsense that was gossiped about both of you or just you?

Vow renewals do not require a gift. Period. If someone wants to gift, great, but it's not a Ms. Manners obligation. I know, I went to a vow renewal not too long ago and looked into it. I did gift them but that is because I wanted to and I found something that had them written all over it.

I don't have a suggestion on attendance. It's a mixed bag in my mind. Going or not going. By virtue of your husband. Going supports him. But if he supports you staying home and going by himself then so long as it doesn't make waves between the two of you then do what feels best.

"she can't be trusted' - your own words. It would serve nothing to try to get on her good side then. Move on and rest easy you are making the right choice.

Beyond tacky? I couldn't have said it better myself. Who asks for gifts for a repeated exchange of vows anyway. The whole point of gift giving is to set up a happy couple with things they will need to forge a life together. I imagine a couple that has been together for 30+ years already has everything they need in their existing household. Yeah, this is gauche - humorous even. Does this not have an air of gimmee gimmee?

No, no need for a gift. What would I do? I would observe the occasion with a simple card indicating congratulations.

doesn't really matter if you were right or wrong, seems like you have already made your stand. only you know if it is the right call or not. you know the people involved and all the back drama. she may have had a choice, just as you have had a choice. everyone does..you can't make these decisions for other people. she did what she felt was the right call just as you did.

so walk away. don't participate, but then don't waste time telling everyone the story and looking for them to back up your call. pull up the big girl pants and stand by your decision.

Thanks for all your replies. My husband supports me not going and for that I'm thankful. I don't think these people deserve a gift at all, both because of the way they treat us and because I think it's greedy to expect people to shower you with gifts and money just because you've managed to stay married for 30 years. You know, the funniest thing of all is that my SIL presents herself to people as a "devout Christian". Always talking about seeing the world through God's eyes and testifying to that fact. Well, where was her sense of compassion with me? Where was her sense of forgiveness as she carries on this 2+ year grudge? And what kind of a christian expects gifts and money for a 30 year marriage? I don't know what God she prays to, but it isn't the one in Heaven. Total phony! Makes my skin crawl. Well enough of my rant. Thanks for hearing me out and supporting me in my decision. I have a tendency to take too hard of a line with people sometimes and have hurt feelings over the years. That's why I wanted to ask all of you about this. Thanks for your support.

Yes. You ARE right. I DESPISE drama and BS. I will avoid it at all cost. In situations like this, I would ignore the situation, have nothing to do with it, and when or if the person was dumb enough to ask me why, tell them in no uncertain terms.

Hey everyone....I have one more question that I need advice on in relation to this situation with my mean sister in law and brother in law. My husband and my 2 daughters will be at their vow renewal ceremony and I will not be as I previously stated. My Brother in Law is a weasel. He takes pride in calling people out on things in a public place in order to embarrass them and humiliate them. My young girls are very sensitive people. I fully expect my slimy, rude Brother In Law to ask my girls in front of many people "Why did your mother not come to our ceremony?" Yes, he's just that disgusting. I know he will do this as he's a snake. What should I tell my girls to say?

I would tell them to tell him to ask their dad. Shrug shoulders and tell him to ask him.

Talk with your husband ahead of time to have a plan when the jerk walks over to them. He must protect your kids.

"She had better things to do today.."
(Yes, I am that mean)

Perhaps treat yourself to a mini-vacation, even an in-town one, at the time of the wedding.