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Heartache11
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Default Apr 05, 2019 at 03:45 PM
  #1
We were split up for a week and she moved out and stayed with friends. We were still seeing each other quite a bit and crying and telling eachother how we wanted to work things out.

She stayed the night with a guy and was flirting with him a lot back and forth. She says that nothing happened and they just talked all night and sat across from each other and it made her realize how she wanted to be with me and also she was on her period at the time. She said they did hug when he left the room she was staying in and claims he was a gentleman the whole time.

I'm having a hard time believing her and trying to get over the extra stuff that that added to our other issues and now I keep asking her questions and trying to get validation that nothing happened or that she doesn't want him over me. And, I seen some of their messages the ones she didnt delete and she was talking to him way more than me and wondering what he was doing and where he was while I was at home dealing with a broken heart.
I know she is getting mad about my questions and she told me I'm making her feel like it was a bad idea to come back.

I came home and tried to eat and all of sudden started crying out of nowhere, idk what to do...

I dont want to lose her from all my questions but I also dont know if I can deal with not knowing what happened amd if shes telling the truth or not. I'm so alone and tore up rn
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Default Apr 05, 2019 at 05:15 PM
  #2
Sorry to tell you this, but she's most likely lying to you about what happened with that guy she spent the night with.

From your other thread you described feeling taken advantage of by her a lot. Sounds like that pattern between her and you still exists.

You need to really look at your life's priorities. Is getting back together with this woman who took advantage of you, prioritized her nursing school and family visits over spending time with you?
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Default Apr 05, 2019 at 05:47 PM
  #3
I know. I also wonder that. I think I out too much power in her when I made her my whole live and quit hanging with friends and going out and now I just so alone. She said she would work on things too and that she doesn't want to lose me and that she loves me too. I think were just both really hurt and needed a break but are both afraid of the break being permanent so were trying even with our issues.

I really need to know what can help me right now as I dont know what to do. Neither of us do, we both want to be together but were hurt really bad
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Default Apr 05, 2019 at 06:52 PM
  #4
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Originally Posted by Heartache11 View Post
I know. I also wonder that. I think I out too much power in her when I made her my whole live and quit hanging with friends and going out and now I just so alone. She said she would work on things too and that she doesn't want to lose me and that she loves me too. I think were just both really hurt and needed a break but are both afraid of the break being permanent so were trying even with our issues.

I really need to know what can help me right now as I dont know what to do. Neither of us do, we both want to be together but were hurt really bad

I've been in your shoes. I dated a man who prioritized his social circle and family members over mine. He went out of state to visit his family, yet refused to invite me even when I asked if I could join him, then he called me every night on my cellphone to complain about his family to me. He also would socialize with his friends but wouldn't invite me to join him, and always rejected my invites to join me with my friends. We broke up b/c I caught him cheating on me via his text messages. He didn't even apologize and tried to deflect by blaming me for snooping, so that any accountability of cheating on his part, wasn't the focus.

You're going to do what you want to do. But, if you'd like advice, mine is to cut and run. Reconnect with your friends, rebuild your social network, focus on your job, get a plant, get a pet, go visit your family but don't spend another moment making this woman the center of your universe. You did that once, and she showed you through her actions that you were and always will be, just a convenient option to her. She doesn't respect you and you both seem to have very weak interpersonal boundaries with each other.

If you want to work on your relationship, keep her as an option while you do everything I mentioned in the previous paragraph. Don't let her move back in with you. See her once a week or twice a month, but do not bombard her with social media communication or text messaging. You need to emotionally and physically distance yourself from this woman and get your center of balance back in your life without her.

Maybe explore codependence. It sounds like maybe you have some of those traits.

Delusions of the Codependent
Delusions of the Codependent

Symptoms of the Codependent
Symptoms of Codependency
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Default Apr 05, 2019 at 07:19 PM
  #5
Her telling you she stayed over night with some guy is just ridiculous.
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Default Apr 05, 2019 at 10:37 PM
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Her telling you she stayed over night with some guy is just ridiculous.
Isn't it though? That would be a MAJOR clue that she has zero interest in the OP.
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Default Apr 05, 2019 at 10:53 PM
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Isn't it though? That would be a MAJOR clue that she has zero interest in the OP.
Either no interest or is trying to make him jealous. So
immature
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Default Apr 06, 2019 at 07:05 AM
  #8
Thank you both. I really appreciate you sharing your story as well with me, I'm sorry you went through that.

I hate that I've given her so much control over me with me making my whole life around her. I know I can do better and I hate myself right now because I feel stuck. I'm a very attractive guy with a nice paying job and no kids so I know I can find someone but it's the letting go I'm afraid of. I feel like I need to secretly get over her while I still have the comfort of her being around and I'm not sure how to do that without feeling like I'm cheating.

We just got off the phone and she just made it clear that she doesn't want to work on us while im trying my best to do extra things for us. Shes disquising me as controlling and maybe I am a little im just not ready for certain things in our current state....

Thank you so much though. This forum is really helping a lot because I'm on the edge
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Default Apr 06, 2019 at 07:57 AM
  #9
The fear of being alone or lonely is a very strong motivator and can really keep you locked into bad relationships for too long. I was in a bad relationship with a BF when I was 18. I also met my husband that same year. In order to date my husband I had to break up with the BF but we had been together for 2 years and I was so worried about being rejected or not loved or alone that I almost stayed with him. If I had, I probably would not have married my husband,although our love story is like Kismet- being alone is very painful and scary.

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Originally Posted by Heartache11 View Post
Thank you both. I really appreciate you sharing your story as well with me, I'm sorry you went through that.

I hate that I've given her so much control over me with me making my whole life around her. I know I can do better and I hate myself right now because I feel stuck. I'm a very attractive guy with a nice paying job and no kids so I know I can find someone but it's the letting go I'm afraid of. I feel like I need to secretly get over her while I still have the comfort of her being around and I'm not sure how to do that without feeling like I'm cheating.

We just got off the phone and she just made it clear that she doesn't want to work on us while im trying my best to do extra things for us. Shes disquising me as controlling and maybe I am a little im just not ready for certain things in our current state....

Thank you so much though. This forum is really helping a lot because I'm on the edge

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Default Apr 06, 2019 at 10:24 AM
  #10
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Thank you both. I really appreciate you sharing your story as well with me, I'm sorry you went through that.

I hate that I've given her so much control over me with me making my whole life around her. I know I can do better and I hate myself right now because I feel stuck. I'm a very attractive guy with a nice paying job and no kids so I know I can find someone but it's the letting go I'm afraid of. I feel like I need to secretly get over her while I still have the comfort of her being around and I'm not sure how to do that without feeling like I'm cheating.

We just got off the phone and she just made it clear that she doesn't want to work on us while im trying my best to do extra things for us. She's disquising me as controlling and maybe I am a little im just not ready for certain things in our current state....

Thank you so much though. This forum is really helping a lot because I'm on the edge
Looks like you have your answer: she doesn't want to be in a relationship with you anymore.

Now you need to find a way to accept the truth: the relationship is over.
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Default Apr 06, 2019 at 11:27 AM
  #11
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Originally Posted by Heartache11 View Post
Thank you both. I really appreciate you sharing your story as well with me, I'm sorry you went through that.

I hate that I've given her so much control over me with me making my whole life around her. I know I can do better and I hate myself right now because I feel stuck. I'm a very attractive guy with a nice paying job and no kids so I know I can find someone but it's the letting go I'm afraid of. I feel like I need to secretly get over her while I still have the comfort of her being around and I'm not sure how to do that without feeling like I'm cheating.

We just got off the phone and she just made it clear that she doesn't want to work on us while im trying my best to do extra things for us. Shes disquising me as controlling and maybe I am a little im just not ready for certain things in our current state....

Thank you so much though. This forum is really helping a lot because I'm on the edge

Yes, you have your answer from her. Fear is a stronghold that can keep any of us in relationship longer than we should be.

Gather up your confidence in yourself.... know that you most certainly can find someone else who is more suitable. Know that you ARE attractive and a great catch!! Looks like it's time to let go and move forward with your life, without your girlfriend. And yes, I agree with the others that her night with this other man sounds very suspicious!!

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Default Apr 06, 2019 at 04:26 PM
  #12
Thanks I want to keep communicating and hopefully I can break free and get everyone's opinions as much as I can.

When she chose to come back to work on things she agreed to remove all her social media as part of the deal, she went back on it and now she wants to work on things but to keep her social media but remove all the guys that are unnecessary.

I told her that's fine if she wants to try and show effort. I still cant trust her over this and my plan really is to try to slowly break away from her if I can. Am I being a A-hole by doing this behind her back? I know it's kind of the cowardly way but she wont just let me go either or else she would just go since she clearly dont want to get rid of the things that have caused us problems in the relationship.

She expects trust but she does not deserve it in my opinion.

If by some miracle she really does change I might stay but shes already pushing back so I doubt it will last long anyway
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Default Apr 06, 2019 at 04:54 PM
  #13
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Thanks I want to keep communicating and hopefully I can break free and get everyone's opinions as much as I can.

When she chose to come back to work on things she agreed to remove all her social media as part of the deal, she went back on it and now she wants to work on things but to keep her social media but remove all the guys that are unnecessary.

I told her that's fine if she wants to try and show effort. I still cant trust her over this and my plan really is to try to slowly break away from her if I can. Am I being a A-hole by doing this behind her back? I know it's kind of the cowardly way but she wont just let me go either or else she would just go since she clearly dont want to get rid of the things that have caused us problems in the relationship.

She expects trust but she does not deserve it in my opinion.

If by some miracle she really does change I might stay but shes already pushing back so I doubt it will last long anyway
From everything you've written here, this woman treated you like an option from the time she first moved in with you after you two met online. You've never been a real priority to her, in her life, according to what you've written about her.

I can't give you any more advice other than what I have already. I wish you the best of luck with your situation.
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Default Apr 08, 2019 at 12:21 PM
  #14
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We were split up for a week and she moved out and stayed with friends. We were still seeing each other quite a bit and crying and telling eachother how we wanted to work things out.

She stayed the night with a guy and was flirting with him a lot back and forth. She says that nothing happened and they just talked all night and sat across from each other and it made her realize how she wanted to be with me and also she was on her period at the time. She said they did hug when he left the room she was staying in and claims he was a gentleman the whole time.

I'm having a hard time believing her and trying to get over the extra stuff that that added to our other issues and now I keep asking her questions and trying to get validation that nothing happened or that she doesn't want him over me. And, I seen some of their messages the ones she didnt delete and she was talking to him way more than me and wondering what he was doing and where he was while I was at home dealing with a broken heart.
I know she is getting mad about my questions and she told me I'm making her feel like it was a bad idea to come back.

I came home and tried to eat and all of sudden started crying out of nowhere, idk what to do...

I dont want to lose her from all my questions but I also dont know if I can deal with not knowing what happened amd if shes telling the truth or not. I'm so alone and tore up rn

within a week after you broke up she's already flirting and chatting up some other guy. if that isn't a red flag, I don't know what is.
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Default Apr 09, 2019 at 06:21 PM
  #15
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within a week after you broke up she's already flirting and chatting up some other guy. if that isn't a red flag, I don't know what is.

Agreed.

To the OP: don't hold onto this one. I honestly think it's unfair to hold onto her while trying to get over her. It doesn't seem like she's treated you that fairly herself, but let go and move forward rather than holding on out of fear of the unknown or fear of missing her. Two wrongs don't make a right. Yeah, sure, you may miss her, but you're holding yourself back from meeting the RIGHT person.

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Default Apr 09, 2019 at 07:12 PM
  #16
I expect that you won’t get over her if she is living with you and/or you are seeing her every day.

I think that no contact is a more effective way to get over someone.
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Frown Apr 13, 2019 at 11:59 AM
  #17
I wish it was easy to just move on and listen to what everyone here is telling me to do because I know it's the right thing but I'm so lost and I hate that I had to come back on here and pour my heart out again.

We had been working on things, mainly just me with her needs and she hadn't really seemed to into working on things or really giving me any kind of attention and I felt it inside that she didnt want to or care. But it still wasnt enough I guess to break out of this all.

I then start questioning her about her relationship with that guy she stayed with and told her to tell me and maybe I can forgive and forget it and she keeps telling me nothing happened and that he was just a good friend and listener. The agreement was for her to stop talking to him all contact but last night when I asked if she had anything to tell me she came clean and said that she did write him and told him sorry and that her heart needed me to get through these last couple weeks of nursing school and he said he understood.

I told her to show me and she said she deleted the messages, I told her to ask for screenshots back and she wont doit because she said it makes her look like a fool. I told her I'm not sure if I can do this unless I see and know everything they were talking about and shes just basically wanting me to tell her to leave because she doesn't want to ask for the screenshots.

I told her I wont throw her out again because that's what got us in this situation but if she wont try to prove that shes being honest then she should leave on her own and not come back ever and let me go.

I feel so used and empty. I'm considering seeking out a counselor or some professional help but I'm not sure how soon they can get me in and I dont know how much more I can take

I'm sorry to everyone that I'm not strong enough to follow advice
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Default Apr 13, 2019 at 12:19 PM
  #18
I'm so sorry you're hurting so much, Heartache11! Please don't feel guilty about it! We all understand that it IS difficult! However I'm afraid I must agree with all the other wise, wonderful posters! You've been given lots of great, wise, wonderful advice on this thread! I'd suggest to follow it as much as you can if you want to! Please try to get away from her as soon as you can! I won't be easy but it CAN be done! You just need to believe in yourself a little bit more! I think seeing a counselor or a therapist is a WONDERFUL idea! Maybe that could help! You could learn new ways to cope with your feelings! Please DO consider it! There's no shame in asking for help! You're a STRONG, WONDERFUL PERSON and you deserve SO MUCH BETTER than what you're getting right now! PLEASE ALWAY REMEMBER THAT! I hope you'll be able to see yourself like the strong, wonderful person that you truly are! You deserve to get better and to feel good! You deserve to live a good life just like everyone else does! I believe in you! We ALL believe in you! We're ALL rooting for you! We're all CHEERING YOU ON! PLEASE ALWAYS REMEMBER THAT! Please try to get away from her as soon as you can! You may try to do it gradually if you can't do it right way, but the most important thing is to just DO IT! Please try to reach out to a professional as soon as you can! There's ABSOLUTELY NO SHAME in asking for help! PLEASE ALWAYS REMEMBER THAT! I hope things will get better soon for you and that you'll be able to move on as soon as you can! You deserve MUCH better than her! You ARE worth it and you ARE important! PLEASE REMEMBER THAT! Please NEVER give up hope! Try to hang on as much as you can! I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this, Heartache11!
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Default Apr 13, 2019 at 01:37 PM
  #19
Thank you for the reply. I also feel guilty if I push her out again and what if she fails her exams and all her hard work was for nothing.

I think that if she does finally leave and takes EVERYTHING with no reason to come back I may be able to do this but she keeps asking if she could leave some stuff because she has nowhere to put it and it makes me feel like crap since she moved here for me
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Default Apr 13, 2019 at 04:04 PM
  #20
Am I the jerk because I'm adding all this stress on her over seeing messages that dont matter and shes in nursing school
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