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Old 04-05-2019, 08:49 PM #1
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Default I need help (long.sorry)

Hello, and please sorry for my english, i'm not a native speaker

I'll try to go to the point
Almost two years (...) ago I met a much younger guy (he was 22 and I 29)
We had a friend in common and I told her I liked him. We went out sometimes with a group of friend. After that, the guy went abroad for some weeks to study
He kept writing me nice messages but I started feeling stupid and worried that maybe he was just going to use me.
I was in a difficult moment of my life and I couldn't think normally, I was somewhere between discourage and panic, with my life. I was unemployed, living by my parents and my father just had a heart attack some months before.

Anyway,
While he was away, I had something with another guy that I already knew, but it was more a physical thing. Still, I started to date him.
Then, the first guy asked me (while he was still away) if we were going to date when he was going to be back
I rejected him in a clumsy way, telling him the truth: that I was dating another guy
He sent me angry voice messages telling that I would had(?) think better before, that I was not behaving normal. He asked to remove my number to his contact list, and apologized the day after
After that, I couldn't think clearly
I looked at myself with shame, I was almost 30 and feeling like a loser. It was a manageble situation, but I felt paralyzed and depressed

The guy i was (still) dating one evening wanted to go out with my group of friends and I tried to explained him that i would prefer not because of the other guy. I told the story, idk what I had wrong in the head. He reply he was still going to join us, so we went to this friend birthday's party and I was feeling dead inside, since the other, the first guy, was there and I still had something for him.

After that evening I almost disappeared (well actually i disappear completely) because I was feeling ashamed and socially awkward and stressed foe my personal situation
For months, than a year... till today.
I broke up with the other guy more that one year ago. We weren't compatible. But some people from that group saw him around recently and probably thought we splitted recently

Well, I would like to write to the first guy now, but not for a casual reason
I would like... I don't know, I would just like to hear from him.
But he recently turned 24 and graduated (bachelor). He had a two years delay with his studies and I think he would find really awkward to hear from me, now (after almost two years of silence!)
I should had written him some apologises long before

I use to lurk in a forum where he writes sometimes
And he recently wrote about a time in the past when he was refused by a person who showed interested in him and than became suddenly cold. That he suffered from being rejected and occasionally suffered from depression.
It could be about me but Im not sure.
So, not only I feel guilty but I regret to had not dated him

I don't know what to do. I'm 31 now, it's weird
Maybe I should never write him but I think of him a lot. I would be ok even to have his friendship because he seem so interesting
He will probably send me to hell

Any advice?

Thanks

Last edited by Gasplessy; 04-06-2019 at 12:46 AM.
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Old 04-05-2019, 08:55 PM #2
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Default Re: I need help (long.sorry)

You know what? Go for it. I mean its no harm in saying hello and wondering how he is. One thing though: Have ZERO expectations. I mean it. Don't message him expecting him to message back. That's what might hurt. I know from personal experience - I have messaged a lot of people from my past that I thought about with no response. It hurt at first but I realized that it was the act of me reaching out that brought me peace.

However, I am not a pessimist. I really hope he messages you back if you decide to reach out to him. Like I said there is no harm in saying hello. But if he doesn't answer, take this as your closure to move on.

I wish you all the best!
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Old 04-06-2019, 12:38 AM #3
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Default Re: I need help (long.sorry)

Thank you very much LadyShadow
But I think it's too late

I might have hurt him that summer 2017, and i never said sorry during all this time, and he might have been suffering and I cannot explain that I was in a sort of mental coma back then... it would be absurd and he's more of a practical person and I think he wouldn't understand
I rejected him, his self-esteem suffered where he might have been ok, i was apparently happy with the other guy from his point of view and i never made it clear
Maybe his life, his studying career slowed down after that because he suffered a bit, I recently read something he wrote on a foum

Almost 2 years of precious time of life has passed

It just does not make sense

I feel suicidal for how I behaved, is a mix of things. I was also not in contact with my inner self and not assertive but didn't correct it
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Old 04-06-2019, 12:44 AM #4
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Default Re: I need help (long.sorry)

I am sorry that you are hurting. If you are feeling that way, please call this number: 1-800-273-8255 and talk to someone. Your life is precious, remember that.

I am truly sorry that you feel it is too late, but it might make you feel better to reach out anyway. You don't know what he is thinking really, just don't blame yourself. Remember we can't control or even know what someone else is feeling or thinking.

I am just a PM away, if you need to talk.
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Old 04-06-2019, 01:54 AM #5
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Default Re: I need help (long.sorry)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Gasplessy View Post
Anyway,
While he was away, I had something with another guy that I already knew, but it was more a physical thing. Still, I started to date him.
Then, the first guy asked me (while he was still away) if we were going to date when he was going to be back
I rejected him in a clumsy way, telling him the truth: that I was dating another guy
He sent me angry voice messages telling that I would had(?) think better before, that I was not behaving normal. He asked to remove my number to his contact list, and apologized the day after
After that, I couldn't think clearly
I looked at myself with shame, I was almost 30 and feeling like a loser. It was a manageble situation, but I felt paralyzed and depressed

.....I was feeling ashamed and socially awkward and stressed foe my personal situation
For months, than a year... till today.
From what you have described, you may have fallen for a guy who wouldn't be good for you anyways. You need someone who is patient, not angry. With time, you will get over him. Hopefully, you will learn to laugh about your awkwardness instead of being ashamed. These incidents happen when you are dating, at least that is my experience. Next time you fall for a guy, you will not make the same mistakes (you will be smoother when you reject a guy or you will be careful not to reject someone while you are dating another). From my POV (point of view), it is OK to date 2 men while you are single.

I am sorry you are experiencing suicidal and compulsive thoughts. You might want to get help for this if it doesn't go away. Please, please remember, you have done nothing wrong!
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Old 04-06-2019, 02:47 AM #6
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Default Re: I need help (long.sorry)

He was so young and he suffered
I don't know, i should have behaved better
Last year in april I was already writing a message on this forum to tell this story
But I couldn't think clearly. I should have talked with someone back then but couldn't
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Old 04-06-2019, 02:50 AM #7
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Default Re: I need help (long.sorry)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Gasplessy View Post
He was so young and he suffered
I don't know, i should have behaved better
Last year in april I was already writing a message on this forum to tell this story
But I couldn't think clearly. I should have talked with someone back then but couldn't
It's OK, you just weren't ready to talk about it until now. You are suffering too! Mistakes happen. With time, you will forgive yourself.
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Old 04-06-2019, 05:11 AM #8
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Default Re: I need help (long.sorry)

I think its okay to send him a message. Nothing may come of it. He may ignore your message completely or give you a cold reply BUT it will give you a chance to apologise and get this off your chest x
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Old 04-06-2019, 05:31 AM #9
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Default Re: I need help (long.sorry)

Thank you everyone

I think it's just too complicated, it's too late for me to come from the past now

I think he might have self esteem problems with himself for things that happened in his life and that he didn't manage well and I was a negative figure and not trusty, so it would be weird to appear now and say positive things

If only I've realized this earlier I should have fix it before
I hope he'll be ok

I'm very frustrated for how I've been behaving in the last two years
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Old 04-06-2019, 10:18 AM #10
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Default Re: I need help (long.sorry)

I'm so sorry you're hurting so much, Gasplessy! I completely agree with what all the wonderful people on this thread have already wisely said better than I ever could! You've been given lots of great, wonderful advice on this thread! I'd suggest to follow it if you can and want! From what you wrote I don't think you did anything wrong at all! You've just been honest with him and told him that you've alread had a boyfriend! I don't see anything wrong with that! I don't believe he should have got angry at you for telling him the truth! Perhaps he truly was suffering with self-esteem, but IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT! Please don't be so hard on yourself! I'd suggest to contact him again if you feel like that's the best thing to do for yourself! Just try to send him an apology, even though I don't think you did anything so terrible that you need to apologize for, and see how it goes from there! Even if he doesn't reply, at least you'll feel a bit better even just by simply letting out all of this by your chest! Please do consider it if you can and want! You've nothing to lose after all, right? Just try to do your best and see how it goes from there! That's all you can do after all and it's more than enough! KEEP FIGHTING! Stay strong, stay safe and KEEP FIGHTING! Keep trying your best! That's all you can do after all and it's more than enough! By the way, I'm from Italy as well! Nice to meet you! Remember that we're here for you if you need advice and support! Feel free to PM me anytime! Let me know if I can do something to help you! Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes! Sending many hugs to you, Gasplessy! please don't give up hope! You're a strong, wonderful person! You're an awesome, strong warrior! Keep repeating that to yourself, even in fron of the mirror if you can and want until you believe it because IT IS TRUE AND YOU KNOW IT! YOU ROCK! We all know that! I'm sure you know that as well even if it's deep down! Please remember that! Just try to do your best! That's all you can do after all and it's more than enough! Keep fighting! ! Stay strong, stay safe, keep fighting and keep trying your best! That's all you can do after all and it's more than enough! I'm so sorry you're going through all of this! You don't deserve to suffer at all! Nobody deserves to suffer at all, certainly not you! Keep fighting! Please remember that!
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