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Old 04-08-2019, 12:02 PM #11
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Default Re: Update..more like a vent **warning**

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The thing about alcoholism Gymgirl, is it's often used and escape from "self" and not being able to handle one's life challenges. Actually, it has been discovered that a lot of individuals who develop alcoholism and additions have been traumatized, often struggle with ptsd and use the alcohol as a way to escape and self medicate. Some of these individuals can be very insecure, have low self esteem and are secretly unhappy with themselves.

His telling you "it's a cultural thing", is a bunch of crap and instead it's more likely he learned how to escape through alcohol through his family and piers that also became alcoholics.
Itís BS is right. He has PTSD 100%..he was diagnosed.
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Old 04-08-2019, 12:11 PM #12
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Default Re: Update..more like a vent **warning**

I'm so sorry you're hurting so much, Gymgirl71! I have already replied to your other thread so I won't repeat myself too much here! I agree with what all the other wise, wonderful posters have already wisely said better than I ever could! You've been given lots of great, wonderful advice and insight on this thread! I'd suggest to follow it as much as you can if you can and want! You deserve MUCH better than him! Please dump him as soon as you can! You don't have ANY obligation to help him! It seems like you've already understood that by now, and that's wonderful, but don't just SAY it! DO IT! Leave him right now! It doesn't take much! Just send him a message and tell him that it's over! Done! You don't have any obligation to do more than that! It's more than enough! It's literally a matter of minutes! Please just text him and tell him this as soon as you finish reading this thread! The soone you act, the sooner you'll be free! Like we've ALL said to you earlier, you deserve MUCH better than him and you WILL get someone that will truly love you and understand you and respect you for who you truly are! Just remember to recognize this pattern you're following so you'll avoid falling into it again in the future! Do you see a therapist? Maybe that could help! You could learn new ways to cope with your feelings! I'm so sorry you're going through all of this! It must not be easy! Just get rid of him and this relationshop and you'll be able to start out again fresh! Please just leave him as soon as you can! It's for your own health, good and well-being! I'm sorry you have to deal with all of this, Gymgirl71
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Old 04-08-2019, 12:17 PM #13
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Default Re: Update..more like a vent **warning**

Ok, so he has PTSD then? Ugh, that's another challenge all in itself that HE needs to get help for that you cannot fix or change. Also, his choice to self medicate through the alcohol is bad for him as well as for you. Honestly, from all you have been sharing and what is coming out more and more about this relationship along with this person's unhealthy life issues, it's adviseable that you break off this relationship. You are only going to continue to get hurt and it's going to continue to be unhealthy for you.
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Old 04-08-2019, 12:35 PM #14
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Default Re: Update..more like a vent **warning**

I had a few ex bfís who were addicts. Iím ashamed to say it didnít even concern me at that time. My vice was I liked smoking pot with them, but they did it constantly, and I did not. TBH, it was that they had pot that was a reason I was attracted to them.

Of those three relationships, one dumped me as it started to get serious, one popped in and out of my life whenever he would remember that I existed and I allowed it, and the other I broke up with because he was an imbecile who wouldnít even listen to my logic. The break ups had nothing to do with their addictions. They just didnít love me.

Someone else married the flaky one and they have been married many years. He committed to someone else, not to me. It had nothing to do with the addiction. She had to deal with it...better her than me.

Itís really not that you are upset about coping with his addiction, which of course is another problematic issue to the relationship. But it is that he does not want you. It really doesnít matter why he doesnít want you. He just doesnít.
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Old 04-08-2019, 12:57 PM #15
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Default Re: Update..more like a vent **warning**

I think that you need to find some kind of comfort in that when another person is struggling like your father and now this guy, that it really is not YOU that is being rejected. Instead it's about how these individuals cannot have a normal relationship where they can appreciate you the way you deserve to be loved and appreciated. It's not really YOU that these individuals are rejecting and are challenged with, it's more in themselves and their inability to engage others in a healthy way. It's something hurt in them that is more predominent in their lives, not you. It's sad because the truth is "hurt people often do hurt other people".
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Old 04-08-2019, 12:59 PM #16
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Yes and I donít even know what his triggers were. I know he was in an abusive relationship but I donít know what triggered him.
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Old 04-08-2019, 01:00 PM #17
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Default Re: Update..more like a vent **warning**

Quote:
Originally Posted by Open Eyes View Post
I think that you need to find some kind of comfort in that when another person is struggling like your father and now this guy, that it really is not YOU that is being rejected. Instead it's about how these individuals cannot have a normal relationship where they can appreciate you the way you deserve to be loved and appreciated. It's not really YOU that these individuals are rejecting and are challenged with, it's more in themselves and their inability to engage others in a healthy way. It's something hurt in them that is more predominent in their lives, not you. It's sad because the truth is "hurt people often do hurt other people".
When the dysfunction begins with your own parents, all you know from birth, this pattern is so immensely hard to stop.
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Old 04-08-2019, 02:18 PM #18
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Default Re: Update..more like a vent **warning**

Iíd not waste another minute on figuring out what he does and why but focus on why do you cook, clean and put to bed drunk man every week, man who doesnít take you out and doesnít want much to do with you and whom you need to pursue (he doesnít call, text or see you enough and you alwars have to beg for more).

Why is it ok with you? Why do you consider this relationship appropriate for a grown woman?

I highly recommend you seek help in learning about your own patterns and see if it could get better in your life. Otherwise next men will be just the same again.

You are still focusing on whatís triggering him and what is bothering him. Why arenít you focusing on whatís not working for YOU. You are still focused on why he doesnít want you.

But why not focus on why do YOU want this kind of guys in your life? You canít control other people, you can only control your choices. In this case choices in men
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Old 04-08-2019, 02:18 PM #19
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Default Re: Update..more like a vent **warning**

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Originally Posted by Gymgirl71 View Post
Yes and I donít even know what his triggers were. I know he was in an abusive relationship but I donít know what triggered him.
Often the person struggling doesn't know all the triggers either. This guy needs therapy and to get sober, he has to want it though. It's best for you to walk away you don't deserve to get hurt more by his challenges that he is choosing to drown out with the alcohol.
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Old 04-08-2019, 03:57 PM #20
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Default Re: Update..more like a vent **warning**

Quote:
Originally Posted by Open Eyes View Post
I think that you need to find some kind of comfort in that when another person is struggling like your father and now this guy, that it really is not YOU that is being rejected. Instead it's about how these individuals cannot have a normal relationship where they can appreciate you the way you deserve to be loved and appreciated. It's not really YOU that these individuals are rejecting and are challenged with, it's more in themselves and their inability to engage others in a healthy way. It's something hurt in them that is more predominent in their lives, not you. It's sad because the truth is "hurt people often do hurt other people".
Makes sense...
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