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Old 04-08-2019, 09:26 AM #1
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Exclamation Update..more like a vent **warning**

So now my ďboyfriendĒ is saying a break this weekend will tell us whatís going on. I told him he doesnít know how to handle a good woman. Both of his exes were not good women (his own mother was worried) well, I donít get men. You had bad partners but then you have a good one and you donít know how to handle it. I know part of the problem is Iím always so accommodating..cooking dinner every week etc., I am initiating too much contact, and we do the same thing every week. Hang out at his house Friday, drink, listen to music, then I cook until he passes out on his bed..does he think thatís a turn on? I have to undress him, etc. Weíre supposed to talk later but honestly I donít think i want to. What else needs to be said? I have a lot to offer someone who is worthy and deserving of my love and attention and itís not him! We agreed to take a break for the weekend but Iím not reaching out to him. And Iím also not remaining friends if it doesnít work out. For what? Heís not doing me any favors. He Doesnít have much to offer me as it is. Not romantic, nor very affectionate (even before this problem), drinks too much, 45 and still wants to hang out like heís 21..and he wonders why he canít find anyone who is wife material. Karma will give him his.
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Old 04-08-2019, 09:54 AM #2
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Default Re: Update..more like a vent **warning**

If you have to mention alcohol consumption that means THERE IS A PROBLEM. This man's real relationship that he seems to be powerless over is with his addiction to the Alcohol.

This man who is now 45 years old never learned how to grow up and take control of his life. When you are doing that FOR him, you are being an enabler and a codependent. There is NO true relationship when someone is already involved in a relationship with alcohol. His weekend off from you will most likely be that of cozying up with his alcohol and maybe his drinking buddies, HE WON'T miss you other then maybe you picking up after him and mothering him.

HE has to admit he has a problem and WANT to change that about himself, nothing YOU can do about it either. This weekend off, what are YOU going to do, sit and pout and vent about how you deserve a better partner? Yes, you do deserve a better partner but you are not going to have that until you rid yourself of this dead weight partner that insists on putting his relationship with alcohol before you. Go to an alanon meeting and sit and listen to others that had to learn this lesson and they will all tell you, "run" and get your own life while you are still young enough to find a healthier partner.
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Old 04-08-2019, 10:19 AM #3
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Default Re: Update..more like a vent **warning**

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Originally Posted by Open Eyes View Post
If you have to mention alcohol consumption that means THERE IS A PROBLEM. This man's real relationship that he seems to be powerless over is with his addiction to the Alcohol.

This man who is now 45 years old never learned how to grow up and take control of his life. When you are doing that FOR him, you are being an enabler and a codependent. There is NO true relationship when someone is already involved in a relationship with alcohol. His weekend off from you will most likely be that of cozying up with his alcohol and maybe his drinking buddies, HE WON'T miss you other then maybe you picking up after him and mothering him.

HE has to admit he has a problem and WANT to change that about himself, nothing YOU can do about it either. This weekend off, what are YOU going to do, sit and pout and vent about how you deserve a better partner? Yes, you do deserve a better partner but you are not going to have that until you rid yourself of this dead weight partner that insists on putting his relationship with alcohol before you. Go to an alanon meeting and sit and listen to others that had to learn this lesson and they will all tell you, "run" and get your own life while you are still young enough to find a healthier partner.
Yes and itís especially true since my own father is an alcoholic and itís a trigger. I never told him it was a trigger for me. I should have. Does he think alcohol helps with libido? He usually drinks on the weekend all weekend Friday-Sunday. Then tells me ďitís a cultural thingĒ last week, he drank EVERYDAY..he recognized this was bad but yet he had a couple drinks on Saturday afternoon..then Sunday itís an intimacy issue..but yeah your right, most likely all he will do this weekend as use it as a day to be a dead beat and drink some more..Iím not enabling his bad behavior..I have higher standards.
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Old 04-08-2019, 11:05 AM #4
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Default Re: Update..more like a vent **warning**

You enable him by staying with him. You are not a child anymore being stuck with an alcoholic father and suffering the consequences of your father's addiction. You have a choice now, and now that you are seeing this boyfriend is also an alcoholic WHICH HE IS, most likely a binge alcoholic, you can decide to rid yourself of this kind of problem when it comes to someone with this challenge being in your life.

I am sorry you grew up with an alcohlic father, it just sucks. However, you have a right to choose not to be in a relationship with this kind of person as an adult.
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Old 04-08-2019, 11:26 AM #5
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Default Re: Update..more like a vent **warning**

I agree with Open Eyes that you are definitely enabling his alcoholism. By allowing him to drink that excessively around you and cook and clean for him, and put him to bed. That is enabling behavior. Not enabling behavior would look like this, when you set boundaries with him (because you respect yourself enough to): "I refuse to spend time with you because of your excessive drinking. That's not something I want to be a part of. If you want to date me, you will stop drinking, and get help. I won't sit by while you party like a college student. My father was an alcoholic and I don't want to be around that anymore."

See what I did there? You HAVE to communicate your boundaries with men you want to be in a relationship with. If you don't, and you put up with their b.s., then you are settling. And you shouldn't need to settle b/c you deserve to be with a real man who treats you with respect, who prioritizes you, who is clear with you about his feelings and who doesn't hide things from you or expect you to take care of him, esp. if he has a drinking or drug problem.

I responded to your other thread about him a few minutes ago, Gymgirl. Please extract yourself from this guy asap and don't even remain friends with him...unless you want a drinking buddy on the weekends and that's all you want.

Ask yourself, why do you settle for guys who have nothing to offer you except their maladaptive behavior like turning to alcohol all the time. He's 45 years old. Middle aged. And he acts like a 21 year old. Your own words. Right? Don't you think you deserve to be with a man who has his act together financially, spiritually, and mentally? Don't you deserve to be more than an 'enabler' to a man who isn't emotionally mature enough to handle his own baggage from his life?

Remember, it is NOT your job to raise a man, fix a man, enable a man, financially support a man, or drop everything and put yourself second for a man. You are not a rehabilitation center, Gymgirl. That is not your job. You deserve a man who you don't have to put yourself and your needs second for.

Alcoholism is a nasty maladaptive behavior that can never be fixed. Sure, you can go to AA meetings, get a sponsor and stop drinking, but the maladaptive addictive desire never disappears. Alcoholics have the highest rate of relapse; more than drug addicts or sex addicts.

Make yourself a list of traits you want to find in your ideal man. Be as creative as you want. Once you start dating again, if the man doesn't have any of the traits you put on your list, then get rid of the guy. Start with, "must not be in AA, or any rehab program. Must not be a drinker." That should weed out a good percentage of men out there. I'm serious too.

I refuse to date men who smoke cigarettes, drink alcohol, or are religious. Those are "must haves" for me. I will not give a guy a second look, no matter how nice he is to me, if he does one of those three things. No way. We all have our "must haves." What are yours? Once you figure that out, write it out on a list and STICK TO THAT LIST until you have it mentally memorized and can stop yourself from rescuing these losers.

There are rehabilitation centers for these idiots. You aren't one. You deserve a man who has his act together. Boys to Men is a great band, but it's not a lifestyle I recommend to any single woman to date one. Most men who still act like boys, never grow up to be men.
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Old 04-08-2019, 11:39 AM #6
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Default Re: Update..more like a vent **warning**

It's important to recognize the dysfunction this guy is showing you. Your gut was telling you something was off, well now you know. It's equally important that you pay attention to whatever things you did yourself in this relationship as you engaged in drinking with him. It''s very important that you recognize your part in this dysfunction otherwise you may very well end up in yet another dysfunctional relationship.

You want to embrace that you deserve better, but you have to really take the time to pay attention to the things that you accept that instead should be red flags to you that you are entering into yet another unhealthy situation. It's not unusual to miss important red flags, I know this first hand in that I myself missed them. It happens unless one is willing to take the time to work through their own past and learn about the things that affected them that they did not realize. It's easier today than when I went through this challenge myself. Today so much more is known and understood than it was when I was younger.

You need to learn how to recognize the red flags you miss and why so you can make better choices.
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Old 04-08-2019, 11:42 AM #7
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Default Re: Update..more like a vent **warning**

Quote:
Originally Posted by Open Eyes View Post
You enable him by staying with him. You are not a child anymore being stuck with an alcoholic father and suffering the consequences of your father's addiction. You have a choice now, and now that you are seeing this boyfriend is also an alcoholic WHICH HE IS, most likely a binge alcoholic, you can decide to rid yourself of this kind of problem when it comes to someone with this challenge being in your life.

I am sorry you grew up with an alcohlic father, it just sucks. However, you have a right to choose not to be in a relationship with this kind of person as an adult.
the binge alcoholic is the WORST kind. Functioning I can deal with-MAYBE. But you have to drink all weekend...come on. I canít imagine what living with him would be like..
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Old 04-08-2019, 11:47 AM #8
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Default Re: Update..more like a vent **warning**

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Originally Posted by Gymgirl71 View Post
Yes and itís especially true since my own father is an alcoholic and itís a trigger. I never told him it was a trigger for me. I should have. Does he think alcohol helps with libido? He usually drinks on the weekend all weekend Friday-Sunday. Then tells me ďitís a cultural thingĒ last week, he drank EVERYDAY..he recognized this was bad but yet he had a couple drinks on Saturday afternoon..then Sunday itís an intimacy issue..but yeah your right, most likely all he will do this weekend as use it as a day to be a dead beat and drink some more..Iím not enabling his bad behavior..I have higher standards.
The thing about alcoholism Gymgirl, is it's often used and escape from "self" and not being able to handle one's life challenges. Actually, it has been discovered that a lot of individuals who develop alcoholism and additions have been traumatized, often struggle with ptsd and use the alcohol as a way to escape and self medicate. Some of these individuals can be very insecure, have low self esteem and are secretly unhappy with themselves.

His telling you "it's a cultural thing", is a bunch of crap and instead it's more likely he learned how to escape through alcohol through his family and piers that also became alcoholics.
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Old 04-08-2019, 11:51 AM #9
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Default Re: Update..more like a vent **warning**

I kind of have to say I settled..he smokes but only when he drinks..and I donít mean just cigarettes...if it was social drinking I could deal with it or even one beer in the evening..fine. But he drinks IPA after IPA, and sometimes adds hard liquor on top of it. Then, he doesnít know how to communicate what is bothering him, until he gets mad. Will say mean things to me like I am not even attracted to you, etc. Then the next day heís calling me, and being nice..
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Old 04-08-2019, 11:55 AM #10
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Default Re: Update..more like a vent **warning**

Just a suggestion, I would consolidate your posts about the same or related subject. Each incident related to the same subject really doesn't have to be a new thread, in most cases. if you post an update in the same thread everyone that has responded or is watching will be updated in their subscribed threads section so it won't be missed, in case that's what you're worried about.
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