Disappointed by a Few Online Friendships

But even if you shared intimate details of your life with these people, several of them ghosted you or stopped replying. So possibly they weren’t really real friends? Sharing intimate details isn’t enough to make people true friends. It might actually be easier to share intimate details with anonymous people online. In real life it takes some time to open your heart. And it’s sometimes challenging to be vulnerable. It might be easier online. Just a thought

Interesting perspective, thanks, Divine. I’ve been ghosted twice in five or more years. Some have come and gone and have been fleeting, much like real life. It’s a different world online I suppose. But yeah I felt these friendships were real based on the intimacy shared.

Personally I think there is a place for online relationships. For instance, I just got home from work and I can't go out but I can compose an e-mail. I can say things to an internet friend that I don't have to worry about following me. I think the issue that is coming up for me lately is the poor quality of them, as opposed to what they used to be in the past.

Perhaps this is a bigger issue.

In general I think the quality of the internet is going down and that is a shame. My guess... more *good* / *quality* people have gotten off the net and are trying to forge more real life relationships because of issues like you have had.

While the bad quality remain. I just had a thread like this on another message board I belong to.

We also commiserated about the fact that message boards seem to be going by the wayside and how, it does seem, that people don't want to (or can't) write a lot. They are happy to write the Twitter line but not an entire e-mail. I also lay this at the feet of phones because you can't really write a long e-mail on a phone.

So most of the high quality people on the net end up on facebook or twitter and don't really make lasting friends there. They connect with their real life friends on there.

This board seems to be a bit of an exception but still you have the occasional troll. I have had some amazing internet friends and some bad ones. I am sorry to say though all the amazing ones were from about 12 years ago.

Interesting perspective! I don’t really know myself to compare past and present. All I know is the now. And it’s pAtchy at best.

I've gotten a lot of great feedback here, so thank you everyone. I've thought about it more, and to me, with some of these women online I've felt closer to than other women in my life because I've revealed some pretty deep things about myself that I may not share with others in person. Mental health forums & other online forums do that... .they open you up to revealing aspects of yourself you may not otherwise reveal to the rest of the world. So when I've shared such deep and intimate details of my life and my emotional state with another, it feels like a true friendship and closeness. Now I know some on here have said it's not a real friendship but to me it truly is. That's just my own experience and perspective on it. So, yes, I've been let down and disappointed by a few women whom I thought were true friends. I guess I was wrong to think that just because we share ourselves intimately, that that translates to how you would operate in a true friendship when it's face to face. Although I've been disappointed by some of those friendships too. I guess the bottom line is: some people are just disappointing, whether that be online or offline.

I do not think you are wrong about how you understand online friendship. It’s just others might not see it that way. It’s not right or wrong. And it’s understndable to expect decent treatment. For example if I decide to get off PC permanently or temporarily, I’d inform few people I talk to on here in PM. I’d not just vanish. So if people take a break from online communication, they better tell whoever they communicate with that they are too busy etc

I tend to stick to one main friendship, but then in a situation like you described, op, sometimes I feel like I am too dependent on this one person and too much impacted by their quirks. Lately I have tried to build a few more relationships so if one person isn’t responding or is frustrating me with their behavior, I can contact the other person/people. But then it gets more complicated keeping up .
One thing I have found most difficult about online friendships that some people have so many that they really aren’t as attentive to me,. That is,they are using the quantity rather than quality approach with friendships.I know one person who doesn’t even answer all his emails, tho he works such long hours overseas in Iraq where he has to fight the isolation that sometimes I feel OK about this.

I think a lot of people that ghost are just dealing with their own challenges and they genuinely don't feel social or may not feel like connecting and don't have the ability to think about others as much.

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My main point is that I keep getting disappointed by my online friendships. Not all of course, but a few. Maybe I should be pickier about my friendships?

Sometimes we can set our expectations too high on others....sometimes we expect them to respond like us when in reality they are themselves with their own way of handling things.

Neither is right or wrong but it is personal behaviors. Any time we set expectations that aren't met we get disappointed. Over the years I have learned to just accept what happens & deal with it in the way my gut feeling leads.

I think even without setting expectations, there's nothing you can do to control another person's response to your actions. Literally, nothing you can do. I have to disagree with you that having expectations is wrong. It's actually good to have set expectations. That's the way you set boundaries with people. If people don't know what your boundaries are -- expectations, standards -- then, their behavior can really hurt you. That's why it's imperative to set expectations with people you met online or in person through clear communication with each other.

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Originally Posted by StreetcarBlanche I think even without setting expectations, there's nothing you can do to control another person's response to your actions. Literally, nothing you can do. I have to disagree with you that having expectations is wrong. It's actually good to have set expectations. That's the way you set boundaries with people. If people don't know what your boundaries are -- expectations, standards -- then, their behavior can really hurt you. That's why it's imperative to set expectations with people you met online or in person through clear communication with each other.

I set my boundaries on my needs not expectations I have of orhers. Difference may just be semantics.

I can clearly communicate what I need from someone but that is not necessarily an expectation of them as they can clearly comply or not with what I need. I HOPE they will but I do not expect it.

I do have standards and expectations. And because of that people disappoint me.

Settling is the worst thing to do when it comes to relationships, even friendships. Yes, people can disappoint us when we communicate our needs and expectations to them. But, that just means (to me, anyway) that those people refuse to respect my needs and expectations. Why would I want to be friends with someone who doesn't respect me? Does that make sense?

People who tell you to lower your expectations so you'll be happier, are wrong. They're basically telling you to compromise yourself to please others, when they tell you to lower your expectations. Um, I won't do that. Why should you?

You know who you are, what you like, what you want from your friendships. I think setting expectations eliminates stress for both friends. You know if your compatible based on what your expectations of each other are. If you don't share the same expectations, how can the friendship work at all?

I mean, teachers set expectations for students, bosses set expectations for their staff, parents set expectations for their children. It's not so much to control, but to communicate "these are my needs, and this is what I need you to do to fulfill those needs." Does that make sense?

I love this post! Thank you! Yes, it makes perfect sense! I would never lower my expectations of people. I expect what I expect, and if I'm not happy, I definitely will not lower my standards.... I've never settled in my life, and never will.

HUGS!

This kind of hits a note with me too because I feel like if the world was expected to be more considerate and held to higher standards I wouldn't have the problems I do. I feel like I was trained from a young age to be well mannered and a "gentlewoman" to use the old age terminology and I get stick to death of hearing I should just let less than that get away with things.

However, I have a friend who is an extrovert and straight up truly isn't this way and doesn't seem to get upset at whatever other people do... just rolls right off his back. In a way I resent him but recognize that everyone is different about their expectations.

I just wish I could move to high standard world.

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Why would I want to be friends with someone who doesn't respect me? Does that make sense?

I don't remain friends with them usually.....but it is NOT because they DIDN'T MEET my expectations it is because they DISRESPECTED MY boundaries.

Expectations are what we place on others behaviors....BOUNDARIES are our OWN limits of what we are willing to tolerate. If one cannot tolerate then there is NO WAY to have a friendship. This is how I observe how it works FOR ME.

I think I agree with this. But honestly I’m not sure of much right now.

I try to communicate honestly and kindly with people. I don’t always (or even ever) tell them what I need from them. Other than with a very few close friends, This is maybe where I have been going wrong.

And I make mistakes. The maternal unit said I was “always” making mistakes. Maybe I did make a lot of mistakes. So did she,.............. I wish I could have a make over.. I wish I could rid myself of all my “flaws” like being “needy” etc. All I can do is try to be the best bear I can be each day. If someone thinks I’m a “bad” person then I have to cut all contact with them for my safety.

Respect and love to all in this thread.

I agree that boundaries are very important. If for example I had a good friend online who I was emailing with every day or every few days and they said something I found hurtful... how would I deal with that?

I hope I would step back, think about it for a while and then respond kindly but clearly explain that I felt hurt by something they had said, and why.

I also would say something like

“I felt hurt by something you said and I’ve been thinking about how to tell you, I appreciate our friendship...”

And go from there

Not “you hurt me. I’m so angry. You’re very rude..”

I’m guessing people in this thread know this already, they are just my thoughts. Thanks for this thread, I’m going to go back and read it more carefully hopefully.

Communication is not the easiest soil.

Hugs to all

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I try to communicate honestly and kindly with people. I don’t always (or even ever) tell them what I need from them. Other than with a very few close friends, This is maybe where I have been going wrong.

Fuzzy.....I usually don't tell people what I need either. Basically I just observe & try to connect with people. I want them to be themselves without having stated expectations or boundaries. If a problem does come up ONLY then will I communicate the problem & what I see needs to be addressed....then discuss it. Otherwise the other person may just constantly wonder if they are pleasing me. What a horrible stress that would be on a friendship. If it turns out thst there are too many problems constantly occuring in a relationship then I have to decide whether it is worth continuing, whether to distance or end the relationship totally.

No you are not doing it wrong

Thanks Eskie, this is what I also try to do.