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Old 04-10-2019, 09:31 AM #11
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Default Re: Disappointed by a Few Online Friendships

I feel like there is a difference between a friend, who you sometimes see IRL and a pen pal or someone you only talk to on the phone. To me, something about the face to face connection IRL, sharing some experience together, is what makes a bond of real friendship.

While you do feel like only online people are friends, thereís something not solid in it due to the lack of face to face, IMHO, at least thatís how I feel.

On here, we are friends in the capacity of a support group, helping each other manage our real lives. Some here have become friends IRL, which means they got together in person. This solidifies something in my mind to the level of true friendship.

If you were only online friends for years, you both could have made plans and seen each other IRL. I would have wanted to do that. Maybe you tried but money or time was an issue.

Thatís my two cents for what itís worth.

Also, IME, when someoneís depressed, they are focused on the issue that is getting them down. They may want to talk about it or not. Maybe someone with depression doesnít particularly have an issue but just depression. In my case, it is an issue that I obsess over and probably am extremely self absorbed.

Itís important for anyone who wants to keep a friend to not overwhelm them with our stuff and talk about their stuff in reciprocation and to show we care about them.
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Old 04-10-2019, 11:23 AM #12
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Default Re: Disappointed by a Few Online Friendships

Thank you all for your replies! Iíd like to reply individually but I donít have the time right now.

In sum, I do have a balance between my online and offline friendships, however, for those of us who are middle aged, as you must know it becomes harder to see people. Many friends are married with kids, or traveling for business or just plain out of state and too far away.

I do get out and socialize every week with friends. I have a large circle of IRL people that I see almost weekly. I just met or mingled into this circle in the last year, so Iím not that close with anyone yet. But I also have several long time friends that I rarely get to see due to circumstances and life.

I disagree that online friendships are not real friendships, though I agree it can be easier to ghost and/or be meaner because you donít have the face to face.

Over recent years Iíve become involved in online forums, hence the online friendships. Theyíre kind of new to me in a way. So Iím figuring them out as I go along.

When I was single, I was a lot more socially active. Now that Iím coupled up Iím very content and happy to stay at home snuggled with my partner. We are doing this more often together, though we still get out and socialize.

So I hope that explains things a bit more.

I think this one woman Iím talking about is just more self absorbed in general and leans on me for support when needed. Iíve told her in the past that it felt more one sided. She didnít agree or see my point.

I may just back away from her. I think I will. Itís not serving much purpose in my life anymore. Or Iím giving a lot more than I get back.
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Old 04-10-2019, 11:45 AM #13
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Default Re: Disappointed by a Few Online Friendships

Online friendships involve people, that is other imperfect beings just like we are. There are going to be good ones and there are going to be disappointing ones, it has little to do with them being online in most cases, it's just that with every friendship, online or IRL, it's a risk that some of the people will not meet the standards we require in a friendship.
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Old 04-10-2019, 11:48 AM #14
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Default Re: Disappointed by a Few Online Friendships

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Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006 View Post
Online friendships involve people, that is other imperfect beings just like we are. There are going to be good ones and there are going to be disappointing ones, it has little to do with them being online in most cases, it's just that with every friendship, online or IRL, it's a risk that some of the people will not meet the standards we require in a friendship.
That is SO true!!! Ty!
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Old 04-10-2019, 02:26 PM #15
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Default Re: Disappointed by a Few Online Friendships

I agree that it can be easier for some to ghost and/or be meaner online.. I wonder, would they be like that in real life. Itís easy to hide behind a screen and not be sincere

I also feel that online friends are real friends ... Iíve got to know some genuinely wonderful people online who I know wouldnít turn on a dime... but some are so self absorbed and donít care much ... a lack of empathy.

Iím sorry youíve been disappointed
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Old 04-10-2019, 04:14 PM #16
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Default Re: Disappointed by a Few Online Friendships

I would never for the life of me be drawn into relying on an internet based relationship. Acquaintances are one thing but a close friendship? Not in the cards. Now I know I don't speak for many, I realise this but my point of view is that you just can't completely know and trust who is at the other end. People will colour themselves into the personality they want others to see - and leave out a great deal of pertinent information regarding what they don't want people to know. I operate on the notion that you can guarantee that someone you know only on the internet you really don't know at all. I think it fair to say that everyone should take warning and not allow themselves to be drawn in and get overly close to a person they don't actually know at all. By heeding such advice, when that disappointment happens - and it will happen - it shouldn't have much impact at all.
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Old 04-10-2019, 05:07 PM #17
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Default Re: Disappointed by a Few Online Friendships

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Originally Posted by Have Hope View Post
I've written before about being ghosted by one online friend, which hurt a LOT.

I have another online girlfriend, with whom I've been writing back and forth for a couple years. I would consider us close, but I've noticed that whenever she gets depressed (she has severe periodic depression), she withdraws entirely or if she does write to me, she becomes very self-centered. It becomes all about her, and I honestly cannot stand it.

Does depression make people self-absorbed?

I don't judge at all because I've had my fair share of depression here and there, but I don't recall ever withdrawing from friendships or becoming self-absorbed.

I've also noticed that it tends to be mainly about her even when she's not depressed. I tend to do most of the supporting. Maybe she's just self-absorbed in general?

My main point is that I keep getting disappointed by my online friendships. Not all of course, but a few.

Maybe I should be pickier about my friendships?

It's her turn to write back. Lately, I've been reaching out to her after a few weeks of not talking, even when it's her turn to write next. I've now become hesitant to write her at all. It's just disappointing.
1. I've had online female friendships. They each dumped me without even a prior warning. I was friends with these women for YEARS online and even spoke with them on the phone and Skype video chatted with them. But, in the end, I wasn't a friend they wanted to maintain contact with. It hurts but oh well.

2. Your friend is really self-centered in real life. People are the same online as they are offline. That is my personal experience with online friendships.

3. Depression is one of those mental illnesses that promotes self-centered coping skills with people, who are neurotic already. I suffer from severe anxiety sometimes, and have been called self-centered a few times in my life. My theory is, underneath someone's self-centered behavior, is someone who feels flawed, unworthy and emotionally vulnerable to others. Sometimes, I think that's how I feel underneath my anxiety -- I worry that people will take advantage of me if I let my guard down.

BUT....

People can still be a**holes despite their depression. I'm not an a**hole. I'm not saying your friend is an a**hole. But, you've clearly shown her that you support her during her tough times and she responds by ignoring you.

That's not a friendship I'd keep. But, that's just me. It sounds very one-sided: you do all the footwork, reaching out, responding, and she responds tepidly when/if she feels like it. Oh, I've had a few of those doozies myself -- one sided friendships are awful. Just awful.

If your gut's telling you to pull away from her then I'd follow your gut. The gut's never wrong. Like, never wrong. Sorry this happened to you. But sometimes we find out who our real friends are, and it's hurtful when their real intentions with us turn out not to be good ones.
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Old 04-10-2019, 05:10 PM #18
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Default Re: Disappointed by a Few Online Friendships

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Originally Posted by Fuzzybear View Post
I agree that it can be easier for some to ghost and/or be meaner online.. I wonder, would they be like that in real life. Itís easy to hide behind a screen and not be sincere

I also feel that online friends are real friends ... Iíve got to know some genuinely wonderful people online who I know wouldnít turn on a dime... but some are so self absorbed and donít care much ... a lack of empathy.

Iím sorry youíve been disappointed

Thank you Fuzzy! I'm with you entirely! I've met some wonderful people online as well... and they wouldn't turn on a dime either. Yet, some do, just as you said.

I definitely feel that some are real friends. How can they not be when you share intimate details of your life with them? That's how I feel.


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Old 04-10-2019, 05:15 PM #19
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Default Re: Disappointed by a Few Online Friendships

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Originally Posted by StreetcarBlanche View Post
1. I've had online female friendships. They each dumped me without even a prior warning. I was friends with these women for YEARS online and even spoke with them on the phone and Skype video chatted with them. But, in the end, I wasn't a friend they wanted to maintain contact with. It hurts but oh well.

2. Your friend is really self-centered in real life. People are the same online as they are offline. That is my personal experience with online friendships.

3. Depression is one of those mental illnesses that promotes self-centered coping skills with people, who are neurotic already. I suffer from severe anxiety sometimes, and have been called self-centered a few times in my life. My theory is, underneath someone's self-centered behavior, is someone who feels flawed, unworthy and emotionally vulnerable to others. Sometimes, I think that's how I feel underneath my anxiety -- I worry that people will take advantage of me if I let my guard down.

BUT....

People can still be a**holes despite their depression. I'm not an a**hole. I'm not saying your friend is an a**hole. But, you've clearly shown her that you support her during her tough times and she responds by ignoring you.

That's not a friendship I'd keep. But, that's just me. It sounds very one-sided: you do all the footwork, reaching out, responding, and she responds tepidly when/if she feels like it. Oh, I've had a few of those doozies myself -- one sided friendships are awful. Just awful.

If your gut's telling you to pull away from her then I'd follow your gut. The gut's never wrong. Like, never wrong. Sorry this happened to you. But sometimes we find out who our real friends are, and it's hurtful when their real intentions with us turn out not to be good ones.

Thank you so much.

Yes one-sided friendships are truly awful. I think you're right. I must pull away. What am I getting out of it except upset? It's dragging me down and is not enhancing my life anymore. And yes, I believe she must be self-centered offline as well. It's really too bad and unfortunate. She does have her nice qualities.

I'm so sorry those women treated you so poorly. That's just plain rotten human behavior in action. Terrible. It's a reflection on them, not on you.

Thank you for relating to my sentiments and experiences. I appreciate it!
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Old 04-10-2019, 05:17 PM #20
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Default Re: Disappointed by a Few Online Friendships

Quote:
Originally Posted by WishfulThinker66 View Post
I would never for the life of me be drawn into relying on an internet based relationship. Acquaintances are one thing but a close friendship? Not in the cards. Now I know I don't speak for many, I realise this but my point of view is that you just can't completely know and trust who is at the other end. People will colour themselves into the personality they want others to see - and leave out a great deal of pertinent information regarding what they don't want people to know. I operate on the notion that you can guarantee that someone you know only on the internet you really don't know at all. I think it fair to say that everyone should take warning and not allow themselves to be drawn in and get overly close to a person they don't actually know at all. By heeding such advice, when that disappointment happens - and it will happen - it shouldn't have much impact at all.

I understand where you're coming from, though my experience has been very different. I've become close to several people online over the years... sharing the most intimate of life details. That to me has been true and deep. Although I've been disappointed even still. But you make a good & valid point. Thank you.
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