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Anonymous48672
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#41
Healthy boundaries are when you value your own opinion, won't compromise your values for others, share personal information in an appropriate way (don't under or over share), know what your personal wants and needs are, and you're able to communicate those openly and clearly, accept when someone rejects you (you feel hurt, but you understand and accept it).
Porous boundaries are when you under or over share information, can't say "no" to anyone, are over-involved with everyone else's problems trying to fix them, your self-image is dependent on what others say to you, you put up with abuse and disrespect and make excuses for it, and you fear rejection if you don't comply with what other people expect from you or tell you do to. Rigid boundaries are when you refuse to share any information about yourself with anyone, when you avoid having close friendships or close romantic relationships, only have a few close relationships, very protective of your private life and don't like others knowing anything personal about you, come across detached and unemotional, keeps a distance emotionally to avoid being rejected. I think everyone is a mix of the above types of 3 boundaries. I just wanted to share that because I feel like it's relevant to this thread's conversation. Signs Your Boundaries Are Too Loose or Too Rigid |
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#42
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That's a great way to handle it! __________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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#43
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__________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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#44
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#45
Ideally, I would explain myself, and depending on their response, you can give them a second chance to change the nature of the relationship, or just have further confirmation that you've made the right choice. Not that you need any. You seem fairly confident in your decision and you also did mention this behavior of hers with her before, but I assume she doesn't know how much it's truly impacting the friendship? If so, that's why I think being straightforward and her knowing the extent of how the relationship dynamic affects how you feel about wanting to discontinue the friendship, might get her to reflect or even want to change her behaviour.
From personal experience though, I find it difficult to be forward with issues i have with others in fear of conflict. Otherwise. You dont owe them an explanation. But it might be the more considerate and harder thing to do. |
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#46
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But when someone does me wrong.. it seems I see it. While my friend like actually doesn't see that someone did him wrong. It is like he sees the behavior but doesn't see it as a slight against him. I can't tell if he has the problem or I do. But I think I do. It is funny I have had a lifetime of hurt starting from when I was a kid and my friend hasn't. So you might think it would be the other way around. But because he has never really had people be cruddy to him he doesn't see when people are being cruddy. While I have had a life time of it so I see it immediately. |
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#47
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__________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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#48
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It was a profound, for me, moment. It's not that I don't care or that I condone bad behaviors or anything. I will distance myself at the appropriate moments or speak up for myself at the appropriate moments. I just had a work moment in the middle of a meeting where someone created a most awkward moment because she began to whine or whatever that is where she wasn't getting her way due to her own neglect to details and was pushing it off in my direction and scuttlebutt had it that my calm was the right way to go. I'm not a mind reader and have my own work to worry about and not having time to even begin to correct the errors continuously of others. And it literally reminded me of my mom calling my grandmother to convince my grandmother to convince me to do something my mom's way. I wasn't having any of that then either. I was 32. |
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#49
I am tempted to reach out to this girlfriend I've been talking about on here, the one I think who is self-centered. I guess I am hoping someone here will stop me.
I am home alone on a day off with not much to do except my taxes. I like connecting with people. It's not for a lack of connection. I was with a bunch of my friends IRL yesterday. I guess it's that I am alone at home. I am also guessing because she's depressed, she's not reaching out and that perhaps I should reach out to her to see if she's Ok. Maybe I am a co-dependent. I don't know. I hate mental health labels. But if I do reach out, I suppose I am enabling this one-sided friendship even further, whereby I am still supporting her mostly and not getting much in return.. feeding into her self-centeredness. Maybe I just need to keep busy today instead. __________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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#50
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None of the above would be ideal I assume, since you'd rather have her reach out to you. Speaking of which, what will you do if she does? |
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#51
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Thank you for your reply! I suppose I could just check in to say hello.... I know she's been depressed, and a guilty part of me feels I should check in. I could always just check in infrequently with her and not be as frequently in touch as we have been. Maybe that would ease my feeling like she leans on me too much. I am guessing that's why she hasn't written, because she's depressed. __________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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