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Default Apr 11, 2019 at 09:12 PM
  #41
Healthy boundaries are when you value your own opinion, won't compromise your values for others, share personal information in an appropriate way (don't under or over share), know what your personal wants and needs are, and you're able to communicate those openly and clearly, accept when someone rejects you (you feel hurt, but you understand and accept it).

Porous boundaries are when you under or over share information, can't say "no" to anyone, are over-involved with everyone else's problems trying to fix them, your self-image is dependent on what others say to you, you put up with abuse and disrespect and make excuses for it, and you fear rejection if you don't comply with what other people expect from you or tell you do to.

Rigid boundaries
are when you refuse to share any information about yourself with anyone, when you avoid having close friendships or close romantic relationships, only have a few close relationships, very protective of your private life and don't like others knowing anything personal about you, come across detached and unemotional, keeps a distance emotionally to avoid being rejected.

I think everyone is a mix of the above types of 3 boundaries. I just wanted to share that because I feel like it's relevant to this thread's conversation.

Signs Your Boundaries Are Too Loose or Too Rigid
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Default Apr 12, 2019 at 05:15 AM
  #42
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Originally Posted by Fuzzybear View Post
I agree that boundaries are very important. If for example I had a good friend online who I was emailing with every day or every few days and they said something I found hurtful... how would I deal with that?

I hope I would step back, think about it for a while and then respond kindly but clearly explain that I felt hurt by something they had said, and why.

I also would say something like

“I felt hurt by something you said and I’ve been thinking about how to tell you, I appreciate our friendship...”

And go from there

Not “you hurt me. I’m so angry. You’re very rude..”

I’m guessing people in this thread know this already, they are just my thoughts. Thanks for this thread, I’m going to go back and read it more carefully hopefully.

Communication is not the easiest soil.

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That's a great way to handle it!

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Default Apr 12, 2019 at 05:16 AM
  #43
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Originally Posted by StreetcarBlanche View Post
Healthy boundaries are when you value your own opinion, won't compromise your values for others, share personal information in an appropriate way (don't under or over share), know what your personal wants and needs are, and you're able to communicate those openly and clearly, accept when someone rejects you (you feel hurt, but you understand and accept it).

Porous boundaries are when you under or over share information, can't say "no" to anyone, are over-involved with everyone else's problems trying to fix them, your self-image is dependent on what others say to you, you put up with abuse and disrespect and make excuses for it, and you fear rejection if you don't comply with what other people expect from you or tell you do to.

Rigid boundaries
are when you refuse to share any information about yourself with anyone, when you avoid having close friendships or close romantic relationships, only have a few close relationships, very protective of your private life and don't like others knowing anything personal about you, come across detached and unemotional, keeps a distance emotionally to avoid being rejected.

I think everyone is a mix of the above types of 3 boundaries. I just wanted to share that because I feel like it's relevant to this thread's conversation.

Signs Your Boundaries Are Too Loose or Too Rigid
Thank you so much for this! I think I am in the healthy boundaries category, but sometimes I wander into the porous boundaries. This is great info!!

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Default Apr 12, 2019 at 02:27 PM
  #44
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Originally Posted by Emily Fox Seaton View Post
This kind of hits a note with me too because I feel like if the world was expected to be more considerate and held to higher standards I wouldn't have the problems I do. I feel like I was trained from a young age to be well mannered and a "gentlewoman" to use the old age terminology and I get stick to death of hearing I should just let less than that get away with things.


However, I have a friend who is an extrovert and straight up truly isn't this way and doesn't seem to get upset at whatever other people do... just rolls right off his back. In a way I resent him but recognize that everyone is different about their expectations.


I just wish I could move to high standard world.
This stood out to me, in regards to things 'rolling off backs'. IRL, I am that type where things don't seem to phase me. I'm calm in what seems like an emergency. For me, it's a lifetime of some type of internal defensive mechanism. It's a coping skill created through much hurt feelings through the years and whatever else lays beneath the surface of my life story.
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Default Apr 14, 2019 at 03:21 AM
  #45
Ideally, I would explain myself, and depending on their response, you can give them a second chance to change the nature of the relationship, or just have further confirmation that you've made the right choice. Not that you need any. You seem fairly confident in your decision and you also did mention this behavior of hers with her before, but I assume she doesn't know how much it's truly impacting the friendship? If so, that's why I think being straightforward and her knowing the extent of how the relationship dynamic affects how you feel about wanting to discontinue the friendship, might get her to reflect or even want to change her behaviour.

From personal experience though, I find it difficult to be forward with issues i have with others in fear of conflict.

Otherwise. You dont owe them an explanation. But it might be the more considerate and harder thing to do.
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Default Apr 14, 2019 at 08:25 AM
  #46
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Originally Posted by healingme4me View Post
This stood out to me, in regards to things 'rolling off backs'. IRL, I am that type where things don't seem to phase me. I'm calm in what seems like an emergency. For me, it's a lifetime of some type of internal defensive mechanism. It's a coping skill created through much hurt feelings through the years and whatever else lays beneath the surface of my life story.
See I am calm in an emergency situation... type of thing.

But when someone does me wrong.. it seems I see it.

While my friend like actually doesn't see that someone did him wrong. It is like he sees the behavior but doesn't see it as a slight against him.

I can't tell if he has the problem or I do. But I think I do.

It is funny I have had a lifetime of hurt starting from when I was a kid and my friend hasn't. So you might think it would be the other way around. But because he has never really had people be cruddy to him he doesn't see when people are being cruddy. While I have had a life time of it so I see it immediately.
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Default Apr 14, 2019 at 08:34 AM
  #47
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Originally Posted by Iloivar View Post
Ideally, I would explain myself, and depending on their response, you can give them a second chance to change the nature of the relationship, or just have further confirmation that you've made the right choice. Not that you need any. You seem fairly confident in your decision and you also did mention this behavior of hers with her before, but I assume she doesn't know how much it's truly impacting the friendship? If so, that's why I think being straightforward and her knowing the extent of how the relationship dynamic affects how you feel about wanting to discontinue the friendship, might get her to reflect or even want to change her behaviour.

From personal experience though, I find it difficult to be forward with issues i have with others in fear of conflict.

Otherwise. You dont owe them an explanation. But it might be the more considerate and harder thing to do.
Thank you for this! I’m not going to say anything. We’ve discussed it once before and she went into denial. I think I just won’t contact her and will let her contact me if she wants to.

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Default Apr 14, 2019 at 08:36 AM
  #48
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Originally Posted by Emily Fox Seaton View Post
See I am calm in an emergency situation... type of thing.


But when someone does me wrong.. it seems I see it.


While my friend like actually doesn't see that someone did him wrong. It is like he sees the behavior but doesn't see it as a slight against him.


I can't tell if he has the problem or I do. But I think I do.


It is funny I have had a lifetime of hurt starting from when I was a kid and my friend hasn't. So you might think it would be the other way around. But because he has never really had people be cruddy to him he doesn't see when people are being cruddy. While I have had a life time of it so I see it immediately.
I can see why it would be troublesome that your friend would not acknowledge bad behavior. I don't let it slide, per se. I do try to not let it eat me up in the moment. One example came to mind after posting this, the other day is something my oldest son said to his friends one night when I was driving the group of them somewhere. His friend commented, 'Your mom let's you listen to this [Music]? And my son began with , "Oh she doesn't care". And then added without any prodding..."it's not that she doesn't care, it's that she actually likes this[music]."

It was a profound, for me, moment. It's not that I don't care or that I condone bad behaviors or anything. I will distance myself at the appropriate moments or speak up for myself at the appropriate moments.

I just had a work moment in the middle of a meeting where someone created a most awkward moment because she began to whine or whatever that is where she wasn't getting her way due to her own neglect to details and was pushing it off in my direction and scuttlebutt had it that my calm was the right way to go. I'm not a mind reader and have my own work to worry about and not having time to even begin to correct the errors continuously of others. And it literally reminded me of my mom calling my grandmother to convince my grandmother to convince me to do something my mom's way. I wasn't having any of that then either. I was 32.
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Default Apr 15, 2019 at 06:53 AM
  #49
I am tempted to reach out to this girlfriend I've been talking about on here, the one I think who is self-centered. I guess I am hoping someone here will stop me.

I am home alone on a day off with not much to do except my taxes. I like connecting with people. It's not for a lack of connection. I was with a bunch of my friends IRL yesterday. I guess it's that I am alone at home. I am also guessing because she's depressed, she's not reaching out and that perhaps I should reach out to her to see if she's Ok.

Maybe I am a co-dependent. I don't know. I hate mental health labels. But if I do reach out, I suppose I am enabling this one-sided friendship even further, whereby I am still supporting her mostly and not getting much in return.. feeding into her self-centeredness.

Maybe I just need to keep busy today instead.

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Default Apr 15, 2019 at 08:55 AM
  #50
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Originally Posted by Have Hope View Post
I am tempted to reach out to this girlfriend I've been talking about on here, the one I think who is self-centered. I guess I am hoping someone here will stop me.

I am home alone on a day off with not much to do except my taxes. I like connecting with people. It's not for a lack of connection. I was with a bunch of my friends IRL yesterday. I guess it's that I am alone at home. I am also guessing because she's depressed, she's not reaching out and that perhaps I should reach out to her to see if she's Ok.

Maybe I am a co-dependent. I don't know. I hate mental health labels. But if I do reach out, I suppose I am enabling this one-sided friendship even further, whereby I am still supporting her mostly and not getting much in return.. feeding into her self-centeredness.

Maybe I just need to keep busy today instead.
I don't think checking to see if she's ok is necessarily enabling. You could maybe send a message saying "hey, just checking in to see if you're ok." The issue is if she says no, then she might expect you to listen to her vent or provide advice, in which case you'll be forced to either ghost her at that moment, state that you'll no longer be providing your services or end up doing the opposite, and that is what could be considered enabling. Even if she says shes fine, she might wonder why you haven't been messaging. You can either explain yourself or again, ghost her at that moment.

None of the above would be ideal I assume, since you'd rather have her reach out to you. Speaking of which, what will you do if she does?
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Default Apr 15, 2019 at 10:03 AM
  #51
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I don't think checking to see if she's ok is necessarily enabling. You could maybe send a message saying "hey, just checking in to see if you're ok." The issue is if she says no, then she might expect you to listen to her vent or provide advice, in which case you'll be forced to either ghost her at that moment, state that you'll no longer be providing your services or end up doing the opposite, and that is what could be considered enabling. Even if she says shes fine, she might wonder why you haven't been messaging. You can either explain yourself or again, ghost her at that moment.

None of the above would be ideal I assume, since you'd rather have her reach out to you. Speaking of which, what will you do if she does?

Thank you for your reply! I suppose I could just check in to say hello.... I know she's been depressed, and a guilty part of me feels I should check in. I could always just check in infrequently with her and not be as frequently in touch as we have been. Maybe that would ease my feeling like she leans on me too much. I am guessing that's why she hasn't written, because she's depressed.

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