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Old 04-09-2019, 07:40 PM #1
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Default Disappointed by a Few Online Friendships

I've written before about being ghosted by one online friend, which hurt a LOT.

I have another online girlfriend, with whom I've been writing back and forth for a couple years. I would consider us close, but I've noticed that whenever she gets depressed (she has severe periodic depression), she withdraws entirely or if she does write to me, she becomes very self-centered. It becomes all about her, and I honestly cannot stand it.

Does depression make people self-absorbed?

I don't judge at all because I've had my fair share of depression here and there, but I don't recall ever withdrawing from friendships or becoming self-absorbed.

I've also noticed that it tends to be mainly about her even when she's not depressed. I tend to do most of the supporting. Maybe she's just self-absorbed in general?

My main point is that I keep getting disappointed by my online friendships. Not all of course, but a few.

Maybe I should be pickier about my friendships?

It's her turn to write back. Lately, I've been reaching out to her after a few weeks of not talking, even when it's her turn to write next. I've now become hesitant to write her at all. It's just disappointing.
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Old 04-09-2019, 08:16 PM #2
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Default Re: Disappointed by a Few Online Friendships

I have to admit I donít have patience with maintaining friendships with people I donít see on a regular basis. Iíve been always this way, I had people get upset with me over it but I just donít have it in me. If I canít see people (not talking about family) I have hard time keeping up friendship. I do keep in touch with college friend and two childhood friends, those are life long connections and we live very far to see each other but other than that if I donít see people, I just donít have it in me to keep up.

For me few weeks of not talking to someone I am only friends with online would be nothing. Iíd say itís very frequent communication. Do you know this person in real life? If not, Iíd say this is way more often than Iíd even hope to talk to people. Whatís your definition of friendship? Could it be that other people donít have the same definition of it?
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Old 04-09-2019, 09:12 PM #3
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Default Re: Disappointed by a Few Online Friendships

Well, she and I have talked about very intimate details of our lives over the years. And itís probably more like three years that Iíve known her. Weíve talked on the phone too for several hours. She writes and she sends me her work to read. So yes I call her a friend just as I would any other girlfriend. We donít see each other in person but it very much mirrors a real friendship minus the in person meetings.
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Old 04-10-2019, 04:02 AM #4
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Default Re: Disappointed by a Few Online Friendships

Quote:
Originally Posted by Have Hope View Post
Well, she and I have talked about very intimate details of our lives over the years. And itís probably more like three years that Iíve known her. Weíve talked on the phone too for several hours. She writes and she sends me her work to read. So yes I call her a friend just as I would any other girlfriend. We donít see each other in person but it very much mirrors a real friendship minus the in person meetings.
You are a very supportive person, maybe to a detriment to yourself sometimes. Too nice?

You are a giver and you probably started noticing that not everyone is that way and several friendships seem to end or dwindle recently because other people just arenít as devoted to others or are not as loyal as you. You mentioned everything is about this woman at times so maybe she isnít contacting you because she is not in need at the moment.

I am sorry you are in this situation. Can you tell her how you feel?
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Old 04-10-2019, 05:41 AM #5
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Default Re: Disappointed by a Few Online Friendships

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You are a very supportive person, maybe to a detriment to yourself sometimes. Too nice?

You are a giver and you probably started noticing that not everyone is that way and several friendships seem to end or dwindle recently because other people just arenít as devoted to others or are not as loyal as you. You mentioned everything is about this woman at times so maybe she isnít contacting you because she is not in need at the moment.

I am sorry you are in this situation. Can you tell her how you feel?

Thank you, Divine.

Yes, I probably am too nice. I am definitely a giver in my relationships and yes, to my own detriment. I need to find people who give and take, and who don't just take. Yes, she probably doesn't need me right now and that's why she hasn't written. Sad.
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Old 04-10-2019, 06:05 AM #6
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Default Re: Disappointed by a Few Online Friendships

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Originally Posted by Have Hope View Post
Thank you, Divine.
Yes, I probably am too nice. I am definitely a giver in my relationships and yes, to my own detriment. I need to find people who give and take, and who don't just take. Yes, she probably doesn't need me right now and that's why she hasn't written. Sad.
Well I am a giver too so... but I have ghosted before on here. I am sorry to do so but the person would not seem like the type to take it well.

For me there can be practical reasons such as, I am literally just too busy to maintain a long conversation and also, sometimes, after getting to know someone better I realize I am just not compatible with them.

Personally lately I have been pulling back. The first time my gut tells me I am in a user situation, I just drop and run.

99% of my online relationships have either been users or people that I had to drop because once I got to know them, really know them, they weren't like me at all.
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Old 04-10-2019, 06:09 AM #7
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Default Re: Disappointed by a Few Online Friendships

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Originally Posted by Emily Fox Seaton View Post
Well I am a giver too so... but I have ghosted before on here. I am sorry to do so but the person would not seem like the type to take it well.

For me there can be practical reasons such as, I am literally just too busy to maintain a long conversation and also, sometimes, after getting to know someone better I realize I am just not compatible with them.

Personally lately I have been pulling back. The first time my gut tells me I am in a user situation, I just drop and run.

99% of my online relationships have either been users or people that I had to drop because once I got to know them, really know them, they weren't like me at all.
Yes. This. Same here.

I have never ghosted someone. I wanted to with one online friend, but then she stopped writing to me and that was that. I was relieved.

Maybe I should stop making online friends, but I meet people, we seem to click, then we start talking. It just happens.
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Old 04-10-2019, 06:46 AM #8
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Default Re: Disappointed by a Few Online Friendships

Iíd focus on making friends in real life although thatís a challenge too. One thing is to keep in touch with old friends who moved away, but if you never met, itís much harder to maintain anything for too long. You canít truly know someone if you never met. Maybe those online connections meant to be for the time being, not forever
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Old 04-10-2019, 08:06 AM #9
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Default Re: Disappointed by a Few Online Friendships

@Have Hope
I think you need a healthy balance between real and online friends (only if online friends are your thing). Personal, real life interaction is very important for any relationship for the most part. I have very, very few online friends that I regularly keep in contact with. One reason is I'm very private, another is once I was badly hurt and it occupied way too much headspace trying to go over what I did or didnt do and if I could have done differently. Feeling hurt then angry and resentful took up too much energy. There's something about the nature of the internet that makes it easy to ignore, and hurt people. The fact that their PC has an off switch seems to get carried over into online relationships and being cruel is "easier".
I have a lot of real life friends and am very social. And they are healthy, positive friends- no takers or selfish ones. I have two best friends.
I guess you could say I am very selective with whom I correspond with. All of them are women. I am married and I know I would never cheat but I do not want to become emotionally wrapped up in anyway with another man and I wouldnt want to make my husband uncomfortable.
Re: depression and selfishness- I think being in the throws of a horrible depression automatically makes you self centered. Not selfish in the negative but wrapped up with, consumed with, always thinking about yourself. How could you not? No judgement from me because I have been exactly that at times.
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Old 04-10-2019, 08:57 AM #10
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Default Re: Disappointed by a Few Online Friendships

Since first coming to PC in January 2016, I have found myself getting to absorbed with PC (either sharing TMI about my life or becoming attached to people). I have made the decision that I need to post and PM less because a lot is going on in my life right now. I am trying to put myself in a better situation financially (I need to concentrate on work) plus my personal life is a mess and I need to resolve this with them rather than posting so many details about the REAL LIFE people I love. There are SO SO many reasons that people post and message less. With online friends, it is IMPOSSIBLE to know everything that is going on with them. A mean, it is hard enough in real life to be real, authentic and true to yourself and others. You have to have low expectations or you will eventually get disappointed.

And I want to add that an online friend is a lot like reading a fiction novel for me. I imagine a lot about how everyone looks and acts in real life but I am probably so wrong about so much of it.

Last edited by Anonymous55879; 04-10-2019 at 09:20 AM.
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