Still in love with hot/cold ex-boyfriend

I (24F) met someone (29M) online right before New Year's Eve 2018. We hit it off right away, and a week later we met in real life. We live in the same town and could bond over many of the same experiences and interests, and I began to feel my attachment to him grow right away. The first three weeks (including the week we texted before actually meeting) were amazing. I saw him several times a week, and he made me feel so great...blah blah blah, cue all the cliches. A few weeks after we met, I began to notice we'd text less and less frequently (we'd been talking nearly all day in the previous weeks). It would take him sometimes up to three hours to respond to my texts and his responses were short and he seemed overall uninterested in talking. Now, I knew not to expect the paragraph responses I'd grown accustomed to in the beginning, but I could tell something wasn't quite right. From then on, until the end of February, he grew increasingly distant. Sometimes I'd only see him for a couple hours on a Saturday night and barely heard from him through the week. It was like he just completely checked out. On February 28th I received a text from him. He apologized for being so distant and told me I did nothing wrong, that he was going through a lot and in a very bad mindset right now and needed to work on his mental health before he could even consider a relationship.

This text really didn't come as a surprise to me. I knew that earlier in 2018 his ex-girlfriend had broken up with him and basically left him with nothing because she kicked him out of their house and kept his belongings. I knew he struggled with severe depression, anxiety and insomnia, which was made worse by family issues and having trouble finding a job. None of this mattered to me, as I accepted him as he was. I knew he was a very closed off person and struggled to be vulnerable with me because of trust issues from his previous relationship. As far as attachment styles go, I am polar opposite. I tend to fall under the "anxious" type of attachment and find I constantly need reassurance from a partner. I don't struggle with vulnerability in the same way. I tend to "throw everything" at a potential partner very prematurely in the hope of establishing a connection with them. I wanted him to be able to open up to me so badly while we were together, though I know I probably pushed the issue too far at times.

Anyway, I spoke with him on the phone after he sent the text to break up with me. I asked him if he thought there could ever be a chance for us to get back together and his response was "I don't know, maybe". He told me he wouldn't ghost me and he didn't. Two days later he texted me, and we texted back and forth every day. Until today. I have not been initiating our conversations every day like I did when we were together. In that time, I've had a very difficult time understanding his intentions. He still jokes around with me and teases me about little things like my driving habits. At one point I changed my Facebook profile picture and he texted me to tell me I looked pretty in it. He's mentioned in passing the possibility of hanging out in the future, but it is very brief. Like "hey we'll have to do [whatever activity] together someday". I feel like we've actually been talking more SINCE we broke up. For the most part, he seems to take a more active role with texting than he used to. He texts back sooner too. We've began to speak on the phone more often in the past few weeks than we did in the beginning of the breakup, though I feel like he doesn't ask to talk as much as he did a couple weeks ago.

Because I've initiated our conversation during the past two days, today I thought it would be a good idea to let him contact me instead. He didn't. From Facebook I can see that he's been online. I thought he would text me. I tend to overthink things to a disastrous degree. Even minor things send my paranoia skyrocketing, like the fact that his Facebook friend count recently increased by a few people. I am SO paranoid that he's talking to another girl (from work or otherwise) and will start dating someone soon. I just don't know how to read him. I know he will contact me if he truly wants to talk to me and if not then it isn't worth my time. I just don't know how to do this anymore. I knew I was in love with him on our second date and I am terrified of seeing him with someone else. Last year I got out of a four-year long relationship and it was just sad. It was a cakewalk compared to this. I am so unbelievably heartbroken right now and just want him back in my life 100%. I don't know what I'm hoping to gain by posting this. Support, maybe. It's so hard not to hold out hope that we'll get back together someday. I know it'll work out if it's meant to be, even if he does end up dating someone else. I don't bring this up with him because I don't want him to see how crazy I really am. I don't want to push him to discuss the status of our relationship and seem clingy or drive him away. While speaking on the phone one night three weeks or so ago, he mentioned that he is very sensitive to negative energy given off by other people and can "read" people very well. I asked him to describe my energy and he told me: "I know you're still confused and hurt over what happened [the breakup]...I know you write in your journal all the time" [I mentioned this is one of my coping mechanisms]. I am pretty certain he knows I still have feelings for him but I've never admitted it outright.

Most recently he has begun working at a clothing store in our town and many of his coworkers are girls around his age. From the sound of it, these women are very insecure and sexual harassment is rampant in the workplace. He tells me that they basically throw themselves at him on a daily basis and that he isn't interested because he's "working on himself" right now and isn't into casual sex. Yesterday I went to drop off some donations to the store where he works (he suggested I do so since he knew I had the donations to bring) and we chatted while he helped me with the donation. I made sure to pay more attention to his nonverbal cues. He teases me jokingly, makes a lot of eye contact, didn't seem to mind getting close to me to talk about certain things he didn't want his coworkers to overhear, and seemed like he wanted to stick around to talk rather than hurry up with the donation.

I know I'm just reading into things wayyyyyy too far, but I'm so confused by his mixed signals. The past couple days I haven't gotten the best vibe from him while texting or talking on the phone so I decided to step back and let him contact me if he so chooses. I haven't heard from him all day and doubt I will.

My biggest concerns/questions to summarize this massive post:

1. Why is he so hot and cold? Why did he seem so warm and flirty in person and then distant on the phone 6 hours later?
2. Am I being overbearing for insisting on daily communication? We never actually agreed to talk every day, it just sort of happened and now I expect it.
3. Will he forget about me or resent me if I continue No Contact to give him space?
4. Does it sound like he just wants to be friends or is weighing whether he might want something more someday?

I know none of you can possibly begin to understand what's going on in his head, especially if I can't. But maybe you can tell me if it sounds like I'M the insecure/unstable one here. I'm just heartbroken because he hasn't contacted me today. I don't think he's inherently mean and just messing with my head for fun. I think he's got a lot going on in his life right now with a new job, precarious living situation, and past baggage, and may simply require a mental break from the craziness that is, well, me. I'm just terrified he is withdrawing from me because he met someone else and is talking to that person instead.

Only you can prevent neurotypical jerkiness!

Hi. I think you should take him at his word that he’s not ready for a relationship and is going through a difficult time. I would honestly give him space. Please forgive me for being 100% upfront with you, but it seems like you’re clinging on with the hopes he will turn around and will want to date again. It also seems you got attached very quickly and a bit too fast to someone who had recently broken up with someone else. Why don’t you date other people and give it a lot more time? You’re also very young.. True love takes a lot more time than one date. True love takes time in seeing all aspects of a person, in a lot of different scenarios. It sounds more like infatuation with how he made you feel in the very beginning. And It seems he has some things to work out first. That’s my take on it. Wish you all the best!

Thank you for your honesty - I appreciate it greatly right now. I know I'll never stop holding out hope that he'll come back to me. Suppose I stop contacting him and a couple months go by. Is this one of those things that I strike up a conversation out of the blue to see how he's doing? I know all this sounds pathetic but I really, truly do want to explore the possibility of seeing him again someday. I just don't know how to proceed from here...

Also, if he does contact me, do you think it would be wise to just open up and share these things with him? Or just grin and bear it hoping to decipher his true feelings for me without cornering him into a "what are we?" conversation?

Only you can prevent neurotypical jerkiness!

Here's what I am thinking. Maybe it's a good time for you to reflect on why you get so attached so quickly and rush into wanting a relationship prematurely before really getting to know someone? You mentioned that you need constant reassurance and that you throw yourself into someone or a new relationship to establish a connection. Maybe it would be MORE beneficial to explore why you do this. Instead of worrying so much about what he's doing and whether he will come back to you or not, why not work on yourself right now instead? He may/may not be the right one for you. You don't really know this yet do you? He seems like he needs to get himself together first quite a bit. How long that will take, who knows.

I had earlier suggested dating other people, but now I'm thinking that exploring your own inner motivations would be more beneficial for you right now. My gut reaction is that you're seeking love that perhaps you are lacking within yourself. Typically, when people throw themselves at a relationship and when they need constant reassurance, they lack inner self-love and self-confidence and are trying to obtain it through a relationship by bonding really quickly with someone. The fact that you felt you were "in love" on the second date is a bit of a red flag for me that this may be the case. I could be wrong of course. Just some thoughts for you!

I think he is giving you the message and that is that he wants to keep you on the back burner until he is ready. You deserve better.

I am sorry you are struggling. My suggestion is to be done whth the guy

I’d say that if you met online at new year time and were broken up in February, there wasn’t enough time to truly get to know him. No way you can truly love (not infatuated) a guy that fast and I’d not refer to someone I just met as a “boyfriend”. Handful of dates isn’t a relationship (yet).

I have to say that often “I am not ready for relationship and have something to deal with” is often a code for “not interested”. If a man is interested, he’d not be taking breaks from a relationship regardless what he has going on in his life.

Sorry for intrusive question but were you intimate wyth this guy? If yes how soon after it, he says “he isn’t ready for a relationship”?

Him texting doesn’t mean much. Some people casually text or message others all the time. And if you often initiate, he just responds to you. It means nothing. Sure he might get interested in hooking up or even dates with you, but it doesn’t mean you need to sit around.

Out of respect for yourself stop talking with him completely. I’d recommend talking to a therapist about what makes you attach to a stranger so fast and how to avoid that in a future

You can do better than this, yuh deserve better

Indie, I think the key thing here is to question why you "fell in love" within one date. Know that true love takes far more time than that. You have to see the person fully, all aspects of them, and that takes a long time to reveal itself. You cannot possibly know all sides and aspects of a person within one date. You have to see them with their friends, their family members, you have to see the good, the bad and the ugly come out. You have to see how they treat other people and how they treat YOU over time. You have to see all their behaviors. The questions you want answers to: are they consistent? Are they respectful? Are they kind? Are they decent? Do they have ethics and morals? It isn't possible to know all of this about someone upfront. Once you see all sides to a person and know them fully, then you can say you truly love them for all that they are.

So, the lesson here is that you got attached far too quickly and need to change how you involve yourself with men. This is a very valuable lesson to learn in romantic relationships. Otherwise you're going to repeat the pattern and continue to get hurt or end up being in the wrong relationships again and again and being disappointed. ((((hugs))))

Mixed signals are by definition confusing.

There is no underlying overall consistent meaning to discern

Therefore it is s mistake to try to discern one.

If he had an actual, consistent interest in you, he would express that consistently.

I think going no contact with him will spare you a lot of grief.

After reading your post some more, I am convinced he is a player. And full of himself. Respectful man wouldn’t tell a woman he broke up with (or anyone) that women are throwing themselves at him. No decent man would say such things unless they want to mock you and enjoy making you jealous and hurt.

If he broke up with you, it’s unreasonable to expect daily contact from him, or any contact at all. Sure occasional keeping in touch whth long terms exes is not uncommon. But after short lived dating, I’d say no need to communicate at all. Why he is doing this or that is irrelevant. You can only control yourself. Block his number and don’t go to his work place

He's hot and cold because he only sees you as an option. I've been there, done that, have the t-shirt.

Men like him aren't looking for anything serious. His behavior fits the pattern of a serial narcissist. He woos you with bountiful attention in the beginning until he's hooked you. Then, once he has you hooked, his attention wanes, leaving you confused. You reach out to talk to him about it, he gives you a breadcrumb so you'll leave him alone, then he hooks you again, so that you can be his optional source of attention without any real commitment from him.

Your best bet is to cut him loose. You'll never get a real relationship out of this guy.

1. He's hot and cold b/c he likes you enough to keep you as an option, but doesn't like you enough to make you a full-time priority.
2. Yes, you are being overbearing. Only because you're dealing with a narcissist who operates from the Power Over reality not the Personal Power reality. You two are not operating from the same place.
3. He already has forgotten you and yes he will resent you for continually nagging him to meet your standards. He doesn't want to meet your standards because he's not interested in you enough to do that. It's nothing you've done. That's because he's operating from a narcissistic place, not a mutually beneficial, personal power place like you're at. You're about mutual respect. He's about "I win!"
4. It sounds like he's got you emotionally hooked on his "option" list of people he will occasionally "tap" into for attention. That's all you are, I'm afraid, is a resource of positive attention to him. That's all he wants from you. He doesn't want a real commitment or he would have been emotionally available to you for one.

100% agree with you divine. The OP's ex sounds like a total player to me.

Thanks for your responses everyone. I have read them all, just have been conflicted about responding up until now. I talked to him and he simply will not admit there's anything wrong that's causing him to be distant with me. I have tried to engage him in deep conversation just to try to get some kind of closure but I realize now that he won't give me that. He responds to my attempts at conversation with statements like "Yeah" or "You're good" when through text, or changes the subject if we're on the phone. I don't understand it at all, how someone can go from being attentive and sweet to cocky and distant in a couple days' time. I'm so unbelievably heartbroken right now and the worst part is that I'm still hoping he'll reach out to me in a few months to explain all this to me. I know he probably won't, that his memory of me will fade away and he'll find someone else and just won't care enough to give me that closure. I hate that I still have any kind of hope for this. I feel like I'll carry that hope with me no matter how much time passes.

I ask myself and God why he was brought into my life, just for it to end like this. What lesson was this supposed to teach me?

I know others go through this pain too but right now it feels like no one in the world can possibly understand this...

Only you can prevent neurotypical jerkiness!

I am sorry you are hurting. It shall pass.

In terms of a lesson you can say that you have learned that you need to get to know someone before you get attached and you have to take things slowly.

Going by what yuh says you only had good time with the guy face to face for two weeks (I am not counting texting as it has nothing to do with relationship), which is no where near getting to know someone or fall in love or get attached.

Please don’t wait for this guy. Next time you meet someone, take it slow, pace yourself.

You'll be ok, Indie! Love hurts (as the song goes )

But you'll recover. Believe it or not. There are BETTER GUYS out there, waiting to date you. Don't give this guy anymore thought. Ok?

He is showing his true colors to you by becoming more cold and distant. That is his true self, and not the sweet person you thought he was.

Everyone else has stated what I would have said to you too.

You'll get over him... it does happen, in time. Don't worry!