[Gymgirl71]

So now my “boyfriend” is saying a break this weekend will tell us what’s going on. I told him he doesn’t know how to handle a good woman. Both of his exes were not good women (his own mother was worried) well, I don’t get men. You had bad partners but then you have a good one and you don’t know how to handle it. I know part of the problem is I’m always so accommodating..cooking dinner every week etc., I am initiating too much contact, and we do the same thing every week. Hang out at his house Friday, drink, listen to music, then I cook until he passes out on his bed..does he think that’s a turn on? I have to undress him, etc. We’re supposed to talk later but honestly I don’t think i want to. What else needs to be said? I have a lot to offer someone who is worthy and deserving of my love and attention and it’s not him! We agreed to take a break for the weekend but I’m not reaching out to him. And I’m also not remaining friends if it doesn’t work out. For what? He’s not doing me any favors. He Doesn’t have much to offer me as it is. Not romantic, nor very affectionate (even before this problem), drinks too much, 45 and still wants to hang out like he’s 21..and he wonders why he can’t find anyone who is wife material. Karma will give him his.

[Open Eyes]

If you have to mention alcohol consumption that means THERE IS A PROBLEM. This man's real relationship that he seems to be powerless over is with his addiction to the Alcohol.

This man who is now 45 years old never learned how to grow up and take control of his life. When you are doing that FOR him, you are being an enabler and a codependent. There is NO true relationship when someone is already involved in a relationship with alcohol. His weekend off from you will most likely be that of cozying up with his alcohol and maybe his drinking buddies, HE WON'T miss you other then maybe you picking up after him and mothering him.

HE has to admit he has a problem and WANT to change that about himself, nothing YOU can do about it either. This weekend off, what are YOU going to do, sit and pout and vent about how you deserve a better partner? Yes, you do deserve a better partner but you are not going to have that until you rid yourself of this dead weight partner that insists on putting his relationship with alcohol before you. Go to an alanon meeting and sit and listen to others that had to learn this lesson and they will all tell you, "run" and get your own life while you are still young enough to find a healthier partner.

[Gymgirl71]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

If you have to mention alcohol consumption that means THERE IS A PROBLEM. This man's real relationship that he seems to be powerless over is with his addiction to the Alcohol.

This man who is now 45 years old never learned how to grow up and take control of his life. When you are doing that FOR him, you are being an enabler and a codependent. There is NO true relationship when someone is already involved in a relationship with alcohol. His weekend off from you will most likely be that of cozying up with his alcohol and maybe his drinking buddies, HE WON'T miss you other then maybe you picking up after him and mothering him.

HE has to admit he has a problem and WANT to change that about himself, nothing YOU can do about it either. This weekend off, what are YOU going to do, sit and pout and vent about how you deserve a better partner? Yes, you do deserve a better partner but you are not going to have that until you rid yourself of this dead weight partner that insists on putting his relationship with alcohol before you. Go to an alanon meeting and sit and listen to others that had to learn this lesson and they will all tell you, "run" and get your own life while you are still young enough to find a healthier partner.

Yes and it’s especially true since my own father is an alcoholic and it’s a trigger. I never told him it was a trigger for me. I should have. Does he think alcohol helps with libido? He usually drinks on the weekend all weekend Friday-Sunday. Then tells me “it’s a cultural thing” last week, he drank EVERYDAY..he recognized this was bad but yet he had a couple drinks on Saturday afternoon..then Sunday it’s an intimacy issue..but yeah your right, most likely all he will do this weekend as use it as a day to be a dead beat and drink some more..I’m not enabling his bad behavior..I have higher standards.

[Open Eyes]

You enable him by staying with him. You are not a child anymore being stuck with an alcoholic father and suffering the consequences of your father's addiction. You have a choice now, and now that you are seeing this boyfriend is also an alcoholic WHICH HE IS, most likely a binge alcoholic, you can decide to rid yourself of this kind of problem when it comes to someone with this challenge being in your life.

I am sorry you grew up with an alcohlic father, it just sucks. However, you have a right to choose not to be in a relationship with this kind of person as an adult.

I agree with Open Eyes that you are definitely enabling his alcoholism. By allowing him to drink that excessively around you and cook and clean for him, and put him to bed. That is enabling behavior. Not enabling behavior would look like this, when you set boundaries with him (because you respect yourself enough to): "I refuse to spend time with you because of your excessive drinking. That's not something I want to be a part of. If you want to date me, you will stop drinking, and get help. I won't sit by while you party like a college student. My father was an alcoholic and I don't want to be around that anymore."

See what I did there? You HAVE to communicate your boundaries with men you want to be in a relationship with. If you don't, and you put up with their b.s., then you are settling. And you shouldn't need to settle b/c you deserve to be with a real man who treats you with respect, who prioritizes you, who is clear with you about his feelings and who doesn't hide things from you or expect you to take care of him, esp. if he has a drinking or drug problem.

I responded to your other thread about him a few minutes ago, Gymgirl. Please extract yourself from this guy asap and don't even remain friends with him...unless you want a drinking buddy on the weekends and that's all you want.

Ask yourself, why do you settle for guys who have nothing to offer you except their maladaptive behavior like turning to alcohol all the time. He's 45 years old. Middle aged. And he acts like a 21 year old. Your own words. Right? Don't you think you deserve to be with a man who has his act together financially, spiritually, and mentally? Don't you deserve to be more than an 'enabler' to a man who isn't emotionally mature enough to handle his own baggage from his life?

Remember, it is NOT your job to raise a man, fix a man, enable a man, financially support a man, or drop everything and put yourself second for a man. You are not a rehabilitation center, Gymgirl. That is not your job. You deserve a man who you don't have to put yourself and your needs second for.

Alcoholism is a nasty maladaptive behavior that can never be fixed. Sure, you can go to AA meetings, get a sponsor and stop drinking, but the maladaptive addictive desire never disappears. Alcoholics have the highest rate of relapse; more than drug addicts or sex addicts.

Make yourself a list of traits you want to find in your ideal man. Be as creative as you want. Once you start dating again, if the man doesn't have any of the traits you put on your list, then get rid of the guy. Start with, "must not be in AA, or any rehab program. Must not be a drinker." That should weed out a good percentage of men out there. I'm serious too.

I refuse to date men who smoke cigarettes, drink alcohol, or are religious. Those are "must haves" for me. I will not give a guy a second look, no matter how nice he is to me, if he does one of those three things. No way. We all have our "must haves." What are yours? Once you figure that out, write it out on a list and STICK TO THAT LIST until you have it mentally memorized and can stop yourself from rescuing these losers.

There are rehabilitation centers for these idiots. You aren't one. You deserve a man who has his act together. Boys to Men is a great band, but it's not a lifestyle I recommend to any single woman to date one. Most men who still act like boys, never grow up to be men.

[Open Eyes]

It's important to recognize the dysfunction this guy is showing you. Your gut was telling you something was off, well now you know. It's equally important that you pay attention to whatever things you did yourself in this relationship as you engaged in drinking with him. It''s very important that you recognize your part in this dysfunction otherwise you may very well end up in yet another dysfunctional relationship.

You want to embrace that you deserve better, but you have to really take the time to pay attention to the things that you accept that instead should be red flags to you that you are entering into yet another unhealthy situation. It's not unusual to miss important red flags, I know this first hand in that I myself missed them. It happens unless one is willing to take the time to work through their own past and learn about the things that affected them that they did not realize. It's easier today than when I went through this challenge myself. Today so much more is known and understood than it was when I was younger.

You need to learn how to recognize the red flags you miss and why so you can make better choices.

[Gymgirl71]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

You enable him by staying with him. You are not a child anymore being stuck with an alcoholic father and suffering the consequences of your father's addiction. You have a choice now, and now that you are seeing this boyfriend is also an alcoholic WHICH HE IS, most likely a binge alcoholic, you can decide to rid yourself of this kind of problem when it comes to someone with this challenge being in your life.

I am sorry you grew up with an alcohlic father, it just sucks. However, you have a right to choose not to be in a relationship with this kind of person as an adult.

the binge alcoholic is the WORST kind. Functioning I can deal with-MAYBE. But you have to drink all weekend...come on. I can’t imagine what living with him would be like..

[Open Eyes]

Originally Posted by Gymgirl71

Yes and it’s especially true since my own father is an alcoholic and it’s a trigger. I never told him it was a trigger for me. I should have. Does he think alcohol helps with libido? He usually drinks on the weekend all weekend Friday-Sunday. Then tells me “it’s a cultural thing” last week, he drank EVERYDAY..he recognized this was bad but yet he had a couple drinks on Saturday afternoon..then Sunday it’s an intimacy issue..but yeah your right, most likely all he will do this weekend as use it as a day to be a dead beat and drink some more..I’m not enabling his bad behavior..I have higher standards.

The thing about alcoholism Gymgirl, is it's often used and escape from "self" and not being able to handle one's life challenges. Actually, it has been discovered that a lot of individuals who develop alcoholism and additions have been traumatized, often struggle with ptsd and use the alcohol as a way to escape and self medicate. Some of these individuals can be very insecure, have low self esteem and are secretly unhappy with themselves.

His telling you "it's a cultural thing", is a bunch of crap and instead it's more likely he learned how to escape through alcohol through his family and piers that also became alcoholics.

[Gymgirl71]

I kind of have to say I settled..he smokes but only when he drinks..and I don’t mean just cigarettes...if it was social drinking I could deal with it or even one beer in the evening..fine. But he drinks IPA after IPA, and sometimes adds hard liquor on top of it. Then, he doesn’t know how to communicate what is bothering him, until he gets mad. Will say mean things to me like I am not even attracted to you, etc. Then the next day he’s calling me, and being nice..

[s4ndm4n2006]

Just a suggestion, I would consolidate your posts about the same or related subject. Each incident related to the same subject really doesn't have to be a new thread, in most cases. if you post an update in the same thread everyone that has responded or is watching will be updated in their subscribed threads section so it won't be missed, in case that's what you're worried about.

[Gymgirl71]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

The thing about alcoholism Gymgirl, is it's often used and escape from "self" and not being able to handle one's life challenges. Actually, it has been discovered that a lot of individuals who develop alcoholism and additions have been traumatized, often struggle with ptsd and use the alcohol as a way to escape and self medicate. Some of these individuals can be very insecure, have low self esteem and are secretly unhappy with themselves.

His telling you "it's a cultural thing", is a bunch of crap and instead it's more likely he learned how to escape through alcohol through his family and piers that also became alcoholics.

It’s BS is right. He has PTSD 100%..he was diagnosed.

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm so sorry you're hurting so much, Gymgirl71! I have already replied to your other thread so I won't repeat myself too much here! I agree with what all the other wise, wonderful posters have already wisely said better than I ever could! You've been given lots of great, wonderful advice and insight on this thread! I'd suggest to follow it as much as you can if you can and want! You deserve MUCH better than him! Please dump him as soon as you can! You don't have ANY obligation to help him! It seems like you've already understood that by now, and that's wonderful, but don't just SAY it! DO IT! Leave him right now! It doesn't take much! Just send him a message and tell him that it's over! Done! You don't have any obligation to do more than that! It's more than enough! It's literally a matter of minutes! Please just text him and tell him this as soon as you finish reading this thread! The soone you act, the sooner you'll be free! Like we've ALL said to you earlier, you deserve MUCH better than him and you WILL get someone that will truly love you and understand you and respect you for who you truly are! Just remember to recognize this pattern you're following so you'll avoid falling into it again in the future! Do you see a therapist? Maybe that could help! You could learn new ways to cope with your feelings! I'm so sorry you're going through all of this! It must not be easy! Just get rid of him and this relationshop and you'll be able to start out again fresh! Please just leave him as soon as you can! It's for your own health, good and well-being! I'm sorry you have to deal with all of this, Gymgirl71

[Open Eyes]

Ok, so he has PTSD then? Ugh, that's another challenge all in itself that HE needs to get help for that you cannot fix or change. Also, his choice to self medicate through the alcohol is bad for him as well as for you. Honestly, from all you have been sharing and what is coming out more and more about this relationship along with this person's unhealthy life issues, it's adviseable that you break off this relationship. You are only going to continue to get hurt and it's going to continue to be unhealthy for you.

[TishaBuv]

I had a few ex bf’s who were addicts. I’m ashamed to say it didn’t even concern me at that time. My vice was I liked smoking pot with them, but they did it constantly, and I did not. TBH, it was that they had pot that was a reason I was attracted to them.

Of those three relationships, one dumped me as it started to get serious, one popped in and out of my life whenever he would remember that I existed and I allowed it, and the other I broke up with because he was an imbecile who wouldn’t even listen to my logic. The break ups had nothing to do with their addictions. They just didn’t love me.

Someone else married the flaky one and they have been married many years. He committed to someone else, not to me. It had nothing to do with the addiction. She had to deal with it...better her than me.

It’s really not that you are upset about coping with his addiction, which of course is another problematic issue to the relationship. But it is that he does not want you. It really doesn’t matter why he doesn’t want you. He just doesn’t.

[Open Eyes]

I think that you need to find some kind of comfort in that when another person is struggling like your father and now this guy, that it really is not YOU that is being rejected. Instead it's about how these individuals cannot have a normal relationship where they can appreciate you the way you deserve to be loved and appreciated. It's not really YOU that these individuals are rejecting and are challenged with, it's more in themselves and their inability to engage others in a healthy way. It's something hurt in them that is more predominent in their lives, not you. It's sad because the truth is "hurt people often do hurt other people".

[Gymgirl71]

Yes and I don’t even know what his triggers were. I know he was in an abusive relationship but I don’t know what triggered him.

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

I think that you need to find some kind of comfort in that when another person is struggling like your father and now this guy, that it really is not YOU that is being rejected. Instead it's about how these individuals cannot have a normal relationship where they can appreciate you the way you deserve to be loved and appreciated. It's not really YOU that these individuals are rejecting and are challenged with, it's more in themselves and their inability to engage others in a healthy way. It's something hurt in them that is more predominent in their lives, not you. It's sad because the truth is "hurt people often do hurt other people".

When the dysfunction begins with your own parents, all you know from birth, this pattern is so immensely hard to stop.

[divine1966]

I’d not waste another minute on figuring out what he does and why but focus on why do you cook, clean and put to bed drunk man every week, man who doesn’t take you out and doesn’t want much to do with you and whom you need to pursue (he doesn’t call, text or see you enough and you alwars have to beg for more).

Why is it ok with you? Why do you consider this relationship appropriate for a grown woman?

I highly recommend you seek help in learning about your own patterns and see if it could get better in your life. Otherwise next men will be just the same again.

You are still focusing on what’s triggering him and what is bothering him. Why aren’t you focusing on what’s not working for YOU. You are still focused on why he doesn’t want you.

But why not focus on why do YOU want this kind of guys in your life? You can’t control other people, you can only control your choices. In this case choices in men

[Open Eyes]

Originally Posted by Gymgirl71

Yes and I don’t even know what his triggers were. I know he was in an abusive relationship but I don’t know what triggered him.

Often the person struggling doesn't know all the triggers either. This guy needs therapy and to get sober, he has to want it though. It's best for you to walk away you don't deserve to get hurt more by his challenges that he is choosing to drown out with the alcohol.

[Gymgirl71]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

I think that you need to find some kind of comfort in that when another person is struggling like your father and now this guy, that it really is not YOU that is being rejected. Instead it's about how these individuals cannot have a normal relationship where they can appreciate you the way you deserve to be loved and appreciated. It's not really YOU that these individuals are rejecting and are challenged with, it's more in themselves and their inability to engage others in a healthy way. It's something hurt in them that is more predominent in their lives, not you. It's sad because the truth is "hurt people often do hurt other people".

Makes sense...