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Old 04-10-2019, 07:37 PM #1
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Question How do you deal with space?

Hello...so my boyfriend and I have not really been seeing eye to eye so we decided to take some space for a few days to reflect and talk after the weekend. Iím here to distract myself. I am codependent he isnít..part of our issues. Heís hanging out with friends etc but Iím obsessing as to when we will see eachother again when Iím reality, I should be living life and give it a few days and wait to have a discussion..just a side note: we have been texting and talking almost everyday so we have been in contact but just not nonstop.
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Old 04-10-2019, 09:29 PM #2
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Default Re: How do you deal with space?

What are the issues, if you don't mind me asking?
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Old 04-11-2019, 12:27 PM #3
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Default Re: How do you deal with space?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Traveljunkie View Post
Hello...so my boyfriend and I have not really been seeing eye to eye so we decided to take some space for a few days to reflect and talk after the weekend. Iím here to distract myself. I am codependent he isnít..part of our issues. Heís hanging out with friends etc but Iím obsessing as to when we will see eachother again when Iím reality, I should be living life and give it a few days and wait to have a discussion..just a side note: we have been texting and talking almost everyday so we have been in contact but just not nonstop.
you're right, taking the time for yourself will be best here and not focus on the issues. If you're taking a break with the intention of coming back together to discuss, continually talking and texting is really defeating the purpose of having space, for both of you.


If you're involved very seriously with someone and you happen to have hit some bumps in the road along the way, it is a good idea to step away and give each other space for a number of reasons, especially when you can't see eye to eye on the subject at hand. It does a couple of things for you both. When you're always together, you find comfort in that and sometimes become complacent and take it for granted. Nothing weird about that, it's human nature. the temporary separation will allow you to feel the absence of the other person helping you to "miss" them and thus conjuring up warmer feelings for each other. This will help to draw you closer together and in the end you'll likely be more agreeable to trying to understand each other because you realize at that point what you'd be missing if you didn't work on things and fight for the relationship (even if it's not all that serious of a problem it still really applies to a lesser extent)


Another thing it will do for you is help you to clear your mind as with many problems whether they involve another person or not, walking away and freeing up your mind from the problem itself always gives you a fresh perspective when you return.


I would encourage you to fully give each other space temporarily and for both your sakes, without texting, without communication for a short time at least. Of course only with the understanding (and make the partner understand) this is for the benefit of you both and with the full intention of bringing things together again.


Hope this helps
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Old 04-11-2019, 01:09 PM #4
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Default Re: How do you deal with space?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Traveljunkie View Post
Hello...so my boyfriend and I have not really been seeing eye to eye so we decided to take some space for a few days to reflect and talk after the weekend. Iím here to distract myself. I am codependent he isnít..part of our issues. Heís hanging out with friends etc but Iím obsessing as to when we will see eachother again when Iím reality, I should be living life and give it a few days and wait to have a discussion..just a side note: we have been texting and talking almost everyday so we have been in contact but just not nonstop.
Have you sought any therapy for your codependency issues? As a codependent myself, I found that cognitive therapy and dialectical behavior therapy has really helped me determine what my triggers are, why I attract verbally abusive men, and how I can reframe my responses and communicate my boundaries better so that I stop attracting the wrong kind of men into my life.

It's very telling to me, that you need to probably address your codependency if you're spending time obsessing about when you'll see your boyfriend again. So, taking "space" away from him, isn't really productive for you in the long run, if you're not going to actually give him space.

Talking and texting every day isn't giving each other space. Once you two agree to end contact with each other, then you can reflect on your relationship properly. But what you're doing right now, staying in touch with him, seems a bit like you're smothering each other.
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Old 04-11-2019, 01:55 PM #5
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Default Re: How do you deal with space?

Quote:
Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006 View Post
you're right, taking the time for yourself will be best here and not focus on the issues. If you're taking a break with the intention of coming back together to discuss, continually talking and texting is really defeating the purpose of having space, for both of you.


If you're involved very seriously with someone and you happen to have hit some bumps in the road along the way, it is a good idea to step away and give each other space for a number of reasons, especially when you can't see eye to eye on the subject at hand. It does a couple of things for you both. When you're always together, you find comfort in that and sometimes become complacent and take it for granted. Nothing weird about that, it's human nature. the temporary separation will allow you to feel the absence of the other person helping you to "miss" them and thus conjuring up warmer feelings for each other. This will help to draw you closer together and in the end you'll likely be more agreeable to trying to understand each other because you realize at that point what you'd be missing if you didn't work on things and fight for the relationship (even if it's not all that serious of a problem it still really applies to a lesser extent)


Another thing it will do for you is help you to clear your mind as with many problems whether they involve another person or not, walking away and freeing up your mind from the problem itself always gives you a fresh perspective when you return.


I would encourage you to fully give each other space temporarily and for both your sakes, without texting, without communication for a short time at least. Of course only with the understanding (and make the partner understand) this is for the benefit of you both and with the full intention of bringing things together again.


Hope this helps
I will be honest..texting and talking too much right now isnít a great idea. Because I am having a hard time engaging in just small talk and we agreed not to discuss the issues until after the weekend..we agreed to see eachother next weekend but we may need longer the way things are going..issue was I was being too codependent and suffocating him.
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Old 04-11-2019, 01:57 PM #6
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Default Re: How do you deal with space?

He is the one initiating contact..but he was only sandy for a greeting Iím the one that continued the convo..I have to back off now until after the weekend. I am starting therapy soon actually
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Old 04-11-2019, 02:20 PM #7
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Default Re: How do you deal with space?

Quote:
Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006 View Post
you're right, taking the time for yourself will be best here and not focus on the issues. If you're taking a break with the intention of coming back together to discuss, continually talking and texting is really defeating the purpose of having space, for both of you.


If you're involved very seriously with someone and you happen to have hit some bumps in the road along the way, it is a good idea to step away and give each other space for a number of reasons, especially when you can't see eye to eye on the subject at hand. It does a couple of things for you both. When you're always together, you find comfort in that and sometimes become complacent and take it for granted. Nothing weird about that, it's human nature. the temporary separation will allow you to feel the absence of the other person helping you to "miss" them and thus conjuring up warmer feelings for each other. This will help to draw you closer together and in the end you'll likely be more agreeable to trying to understand each other because you realize at that point what you'd be missing if you didn't work on things and fight for the relationship (even if it's not all that serious of a problem it still really applies to a lesser extent)


Another thing it will do for you is help you to clear your mind as with many problems whether they involve another person or not, walking away and freeing up your mind from the problem itself always gives you a fresh perspective when you return.


I would encourage you to fully give each other space temporarily and for both your sakes, without texting, without communication for a short time at least. Of course only with the understanding (and make the partner understand) this is for the benefit of you both and with the full intention of bringing things together again.


Hope this helps
kind of my fault in a way..he just texts a greeting but I keep it going 😦 I have to limit contact as hard as it is...we canít reflect this way. This started due to my codependency...texting and talking too much just makes it more difficult
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Old 04-11-2019, 05:13 PM #8
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Default Re: How do you deal with space?

I see wanting some space (and I usually need significant amount of space) as going to lunch with girlfriends, going to gym by myself, going to read a book alone, going shopping with a girlfriend etc while my husband does something else. No need to be attached to the hip.

But I donít understand taking space as not seeing each other for the weekend or the entire week and then sit and wait maybe when the person wants to see you next time eTc

We get a lot of these posts lately where men tell women they want space from them and women keep sitting waiting for his attention.

I see this request for that much space as lack of interest in a woman. Asking for space because you have something planned with friends is one thing, asking for it because you think your girlfriend wants you more than you want her is entirely different story. I donít see it as codependency, I see it as him just not being as interested. If a man is into you, no way heíd request all this space. And if he was ďreflectingĒ heíd be home thinking. Instead he is hanging out with his friends. All weekend? I call BS on his ďreflectingĒ. Why do you wait for him to decide when to see you? Why do you give him this power?

Donít call and donít text him. You are obsessing because he lacks commitment and devotion to you. If he was fully into you, youíd be relaxed and there would be no need to obsess. Move on with your life. Find a guy who is fully available and is crazy about you. You deserve it, this guy isnít ďdream come trueĒ
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Old 04-11-2019, 05:41 PM #9
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Default Re: How do you deal with space?

To me, the whole notion of giving space is to spend time apart, including not talking a lot over text. Space to me means not talking much. When men want "space" that usually means they are done with you, unfortunately. I'm sorry you'r struggling with this. Perhaps it's something to deal with in therapy on your own.
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Old 04-11-2019, 05:54 PM #10
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Default Re: How do you deal with space?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Have Hope View Post
To me, the whole notion of giving space is to spend time apart, including not talking a lot over text. Space to me means not talking much. When men want "space" that usually means they are done with you, unfortunately. I'm sorry you'r struggling with this. Perhaps it's something to deal with in therapy on your own.
Yes unfortunately I have never met a person who says they wanted ďspaceĒ (not meaning they want to watch a TV show alone in the other room) and they want to stay in a serious relationship. Not saying it doesnít happen but I have never heard of it.

Excellent idea re therapy.
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