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Default Apr 19, 2019 at 05:59 PM
  #21
I have a whole theory about forgiveness. You don't always have to forgive the person who wronged you. Context matters.

Why You Don't Always Have to Forgive | Psychology Today

Why you don’t “need” or “have to” forgive anyone if you don’t want or feel ready to. - Evergreen Counseling

I think forgiveness is a manipulative tactic to force people to lower their healthy boundaries and let the toxic person who wronged them off the hook, after-the-fact. Um, no thank you. It's a platitude that promotes codependency behavior, in putting yourself second and giving energy to the person who abused you in whatever way they did. Um, no thank you.

"Forgive and forget" is a silencing tactic invented to stop the wronged person from holding their abuser accountable. That's my belief anyway. And so far, it's worked for me.

If I choose to let someone off the hook, it's not because I forgive them. It's because I judge their behavior on a scale of 1-10, with 1 being a minor infraction and 10 being so major that means they will never see or hear from me again. The same way a chat or forum moderator maintains community guidelines with all the members of a chatroom or forum, I use that number scale to maintain my boundaries with people online and offline.

There are a plethora of people who've wronged me over the years and once they do that, I cut them off. I have tried and failed in the past to let former friends back into my life because I thought we both could move on. Nope. People never change. Once they put you in a category of "option" or "priority" I believe you pretty much stay in that category, hence the labels of fair-weather friend.
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Default Apr 19, 2019 at 06:13 PM
  #22
"I think forgiveness is a manipulative tactic to force people to lower their healthy boundaries and let the toxic person who wronged them off the hook, after-the-fact. "
""Forgive and forget" is a silencing tactic invented to stop the wronged person from holding their abuser accountable. "

Brilliant. And I agree.

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Default Apr 19, 2019 at 06:19 PM
  #23
And, since so many people promote and uphold that platitude of "forgive and forget," then when you have people like me who don't see it as a healthy way to maintain boundaries with people who've wronged you, they attack you as being immoral or unethical when that's not a fair assessment. I don't believe in the concept of "forgive and forget" and have not found it helpful or useful. I hold people accountable for their behavior with me. And, obviously, they don't like that. Well, gee sorry but if you wrong me and I react with anger, then don't wrong me to start with. I think "forgive and forget" also promotes a sense of self-entitlement to the forgiver, as though they are the better person or martyr b/c they let their abuser off the hook. I REALLY don't understand how letting your abuser off the hook makes you the bigger person morally or ethically. I certainly don't think it does. I think it makes you someone who has weak boundaries. But that's just my opinion, which is not a very popular one I've learned over the years.
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Default Apr 19, 2019 at 06:47 PM
  #24
Ok...for example...those who have "forgiven' people for murdering family members for NO REASON. Not like they were about to kill the other person or harm them or rob them, but just because they were at the wrong place at the wrong time. Like this idiot that threw he little boy off the balcony at MOA. If you forgive someone for something like that? I'm sorry, but you are f***** in the head. Period.

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Default Apr 19, 2019 at 07:23 PM
  #25
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Originally Posted by Medusax View Post
Ok...for example...those who have "forgiven' people for murdering family members for NO REASON. Not like they were about to kill the other person or harm them or rob them, but just because they were at the wrong place at the wrong time. Like this idiot that threw he little boy off the balcony at MOA. If you forgive someone for something like that? I'm sorry, but you are f***** in the head. Period.
Me too! That guy had previously been banned from the MOA for similar attacks on people shopping there, but those bans expired. If I were the mother, there's no way I would forgive that guy. I'd want to see him get the most extreme prison sentence possible and then I'd take steps to make sure the MOA's security detail doesn't allow that kind of event to happen again. But forgive? No way!
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Default Apr 20, 2019 at 02:23 AM
  #26
Forgiveness is for the forgiver- if it helps you to learn to let something go then go for it. No one should ever feel like they have to or are supposed to forgive and forget. I also do not believe forgiveness equals forgetting. In fact I tend to look at it more as acceptance in order to move on, not forgiveness and letting the person off the hook.

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Default Apr 20, 2019 at 08:54 AM
  #27
The thing is - and I respect your opinion sarahsweets - I don't need to let someone off the hook to learn something. I don't know what you mean by acceptance. If someone I'm dating hits me (which has happened), why would I need to accept that behavior in order to move on? I don't accept physical abuse from a man. Him hitting me has taught me that some men will physically abuse me. Doesn't mean I have to accept it as the norm. Doesn't mean I have to forgive those men who've hit me, in order to move on. I'm trying to understand where you're coming from. Can you give me an example of what you mean for context sake?
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