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Old 04-16-2019, 08:48 AM #1
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Default When we're able to see what others are doing wrong but struggle to see our own faults

Has anyone realized that it is easy to see where other people, especially other friends or people we know well, are doing wrong in social situations that make it hard for them to make new friends or maintain them, yet we can't see what we may be doing ourselves that prevent us from making or maintaining friendships? I've seen people I know struggle to make or maintain friendships and I am able to see why. Usually they are too negative all the time or they come off too strong. Also sometimes they force themselves into conversations that didn't include them, and in a couple cases, say things that may be inappropriate or totally unrelated to what was being said, therefore, pushing others away.

Also in some unfortunate cases, they mistakenly think the person or people they are trying to be friends with are closer to them than they really are. I know I've done one of these for sure, which is mistakenly think someone or a group of people like me more or consider me more of a friend than they really did. I would think they actually wanted to be friends with me when in fact they were just acquaintances. But otherwise, I struggle to see what could be going wrong, other than the fact that I have a slight facial paralysis and hearing impairment which probably doesn't help matters.

Meanwhile, a friend of mine will sometimes get upset that she feels rejected a lot which I completely understand and can relate to. I've seen her interact with others and I'm able to figure out why. Sometimes she mistakenly thinks they are closer than they are, which I've done before. I did that a lot when I was in high school but not anymore. But a lot of other times, she will force herself into conversations that originally didn't include her, which I never do. Usually that causes the other people who were talking to give her annoyed looks or just brush her off like she's not there. I also knew someone that was constantly negative anytime something didn't go her way. And she didn't understand why she struggled to make new friends or maintain them.

Yet, other than my paralysis and hearing impairment, I struggle to understand why I can't make new friends or struggle maintaining them. I no longer assume people are closer to me than they really are. I hoped that would rectify the problem but it really hasn't. Clearly there is something else going on too that makes it difficult. Does anyone else have this issue where they struggle to see what they may be doing wrong, yet, they can easily see it in other people? Usually when this happens, it is easy to comfort someone who is feeling rejected and down by giving them hope or just a listening ear, yet struggle to find out what may be going on with yourself and the way you act in social situations.
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Old 04-16-2019, 09:28 AM #2
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Default Re: When we're able to see what others are doing wrong but struggle to see our own fa

It is difficult to be objective from within.
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Old 04-16-2019, 09:38 AM #3
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Default Re: When we're able to see what others are doing wrong but struggle to see our own fa

Quote:
Originally Posted by healingme4me View Post
It is difficult to be objective from within.
Yep I agree.
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Old 04-16-2019, 11:56 AM #4
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Default Re: When we're able to see what others are doing wrong but struggle to see our own fa

Quote:
Originally Posted by rdgrad15 View Post
Has anyone realized that it is easy to see where other people, especially other friends or people we know well, are doing wrong in social situations that make it hard for them to make new friends or maintain them, yet we can't see what we may be doing ourselves that prevent us from making or maintaining friendships? I've seen people I know struggle to make or maintain friendships and I am able to see why. Usually they are too negative all the time or they come off too strong. Also sometimes they force themselves into conversations that didn't include them, and in a couple cases, say things that may be inappropriate or totally unrelated to what was being said, therefore, pushing others away.
I think the difference might be us seeing these things, assuming we are right, judging someone because those things and worse yet- feeling like we should say something to someone about it. I try to remember that the whole world doesn't need to hear what I have to say, the world doesn't revolve around me and that very often I am not "right". You say you are able to see the 'why' in situations like that-but for me, just when I think I've figured it out-I realize I am off the mark.
Quote:
Also in some unfortunate cases, they mistakenly think the person or people they are trying to be friends with are closer to them than they really are. I know I've done one of these for sure, which is mistakenly think someone or a group of people like me more or consider me more of a friend than they really did.
That situation can be very painful for sure, like a slap in the face. I have adhd in addition to other mental illnesses and my impulsive mouth or choices sometimes get the best of me. And that might mean I crack a joke that I think me and the other person(s) will think is funny-like an inside joke-but actually I am not even "on the inside" to be cracking a joke at all.

Quote:
I would think they actually wanted to be friends with me when in fact they were just acquaintances. But otherwise, I struggle to see what could be going wrong, other than the fact that I have a slight facial paralysis and hearing impairment which probably doesn't help matters.
I am sorry you feel that people treat you poorly due to a physical attribute that isn't nice at all.

Quote:
Meanwhile, a friend of mine will sometimes get upset that she feels rejected a lot which I completely understand and can relate to. I've seen her interact with others and I'm able to figure out why. Sometimes she mistakenly thinks they are closer than they are, which I've done before. I did that a lot when I was in high school but not anymore. But a lot of other times, she will force herself into conversations that originally didn't include her, which I never do. Usually that causes the other people who were talking to give her annoyed looks or just brush her off like she's not there.
What do you mean by "forcing" herself into conversations? Do you mean she is part of a group or walks up to a group and tries to comment and is ignored? Do you mean she is just in the group listening but they see it as an intrusion?

Quote:
I also knew someone that was constantly negative anytime something didn't go her way. And she didn't understand why she struggled to make new friends or maintain them.
Negativity is very hard for me to be around. Mostly because I feel like I might let it seep into my own personal outlook which is mostly positive. I have never been someone who identified with "misery loves company".
Quote:
Yet, other than my paralysis and hearing impairment, I struggle to understand why I can't make new friends or struggle maintaining them. I no longer assume people are closer to me than they really are. I hoped that would rectify the problem but it really hasn't. Clearly there is something else going on too that makes it difficult. Does anyone else have this issue where they struggle to see what they may be doing wrong, yet, they can easily see it in other people?
I think seeing yourself objectively is hard. Mostly because of our egos. I feel there is a part of human nature that makes us more critical of others when we see their faults and actually recognize them, even unconsciously. I know that when someone is getting under my skin at a meeting and I let it occupy my time, and start thinking about all the things wrong with that person- I am actually recognizing flaws in them that are actually my flaws- or at least partially. I think humans find the "familiar" comforting even if its not positive.
Its something I am not perfect at. What I try hardest to do is not treat someone unkind or truly not give them a chance just because I think I have it figured out. I mean seriously- who the hell am I anyway to even listen to my own bull *****.
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Old 04-16-2019, 12:15 PM #5
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Default Re: When we're able to see what others are doing wrong but struggle to see our own fa

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Originally Posted by sarahsweets View Post
I think the difference might be us seeing these things, assuming we are right, judging someone because those things and worse yet- feeling like we should say something to someone about it. I try to remember that the whole world doesn't need to hear what I have to say, the world doesn't revolve around me and that very often I am not "right". You say you are able to see the 'why' in situations like that-but for me, just when I think I've figured it out-I realize I am off the mark.

That situation can be very painful for sure, like a slap in the face. I have adhd in addition to other mental illnesses and my impulsive mouth or choices sometimes get the best of me. And that might mean I crack a joke that I think me and the other person(s) will think is funny-like an inside joke-but actually I am not even "on the inside" to be cracking a joke at all.


I am sorry you feel that people treat you poorly due to a physical attribute that isn't nice at all.


What do you mean by "forcing" herself into conversations? Do you mean she is part of a group or walks up to a group and tries to comment and is ignored? Do you mean she is just in the group listening but they see it as an intrusion?


Negativity is very hard for me to be around. Mostly because I feel like I might let it seep into my own personal outlook which is mostly positive. I have never been someone who identified with "misery loves company".

I think seeing yourself objectively is hard. Mostly because of our egos. I feel there is a part of human nature that makes us more critical of others when we see their faults and actually recognize them, even unconsciously. I know that when someone is getting under my skin at a meeting and I let it occupy my time, and start thinking about all the things wrong with that person- I am actually recognizing flaws in them that are actually my flaws- or at least partially. I think humans find the "familiar" comforting even if its not positive.
Its something I am not perfect at. What I try hardest to do is not treat someone unkind or truly not give them a chance just because I think I have it figured out. I mean seriously- who the hell am I anyway to even listen to my own bull *****.
I agree with you. We may think we are right but could very well be wrong when judging a situation from the outside looking in. And yeah, in terms of finding out that some people don't feel as close to you as you thought, it can feel like a slap in the face. I've been there many times. I'm sorry you have to deal with that especially with your ADHD. My friend has ADHD as well so that is probably a part of it. Unfortunately people may not realize it or even some may not care and will respond poorly to it.

And in terms of forcing herself, yeah she basically will sort of walk up to a group and start adding comments and the other group members will ignore her. Maybe glance at her but otherwise ignore. And yes, negativity that occurs constantly, especially if it is because someone didn't get what they wanted, is hard for me to be around after some time. I've been in that situation and eventually it wears me down and makes me feel more negative and sad. Amazing at what constant exposure to negativity can do to you. It is a turnoff for anyone. And yes, seeing yourself objectively is hard especially if you may be seeing your own faults in someone else, which is very common among people. As you put it, it's just human nature.
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Old 04-16-2019, 01:26 PM #6
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Default Re: When we're able to see what others are doing wrong but struggle to see our own fi

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Originally Posted by healingme4me View Post
It is difficult to be objective from within.
I think this is often the case for many. Hugs
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Old 04-16-2019, 02:13 PM #7
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Default Re: When we're able to see what others are doing wrong but struggle to see our own fi

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I think this is often the case for many. Hugs
I totally agree.
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Old 04-17-2019, 05:19 PM #8
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Default Re: When we're able to see what others are doing wrong but struggle to see our own fa

You seem to be analysing your and other people's social behaviours from the outside, but don't you think that there are different levels to this?

Today something suddenly made me remember how alone I was in my teens while suffering the worst of the abuse. Now it's different. I can enjoy company. I invite people and they come and want to visit me again. It feels genuine and not a crazy effort.
I still don't have close friends, but I'm definitely happier with other people than I've been for a long time. And when I'm happy I stop analysing.

I has taken me decades to learn to be even this genuinely comfortable with others, both on my best days and my worst.

I'm also finding that changing where I live is changing the people who I meet. Having things in common, rather than struggling to choke back disagreements all the time, helps the enjoyment factor. That again leads to more happiness and less analysing.

I was thinking how therapy made me obsess about loneliness and having friends but in my case I've had to learn huge amounts about my own self before I could feel safer with other people.

I'm not knocking your exploration RD, but some of friendship behaviour perhaps just comes from forgetting the rules and enjoying social contact??? Also being patient enough to learn one step at a time, instead of juggling it all at once.

Or perhaps it doesn't. I guess I've worked in some super competitive and judgemental social environments, but now I'm meeting people who are more relaxed and so the game is more fluid. More open to learn from mistakes.

Just what I was reflecting on this afternoon, anyways. The more that I analysed myself in therapy the worse my social life became - because I expected to fit in with everybody instead of filtering who I reached out towards.
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Old 04-17-2019, 05:52 PM #9
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Default Re: When we're able to see what others are doing wrong but struggle to see our own fa

I think itís so easy to see the mistakes of others and not my own. I can easily give advice to others but itís hard to take my own advice sometimes. I think I have made most of the social mistakes your friend makes. Especially the one about assuming friendships are closer than they are. I have pulled way back from that. What I noticed is that I have a lot of acquaintances but not really any friends. Iím working on accepting that. Itís very hard to build and maintain relationships. Friendships are especially hard I think.
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Old 04-17-2019, 07:16 PM #10
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Default Re: When we're able to see what others are doing wrong but struggle to see our own fa

Quote:
Originally Posted by saidso View Post
You seem to be analysing your and other people's social behaviours from the outside, but don't you think that there are different levels to this?

Today something suddenly made me remember how alone I was in my teens while suffering the worst of the abuse. Now it's different. I can enjoy company. I invite people and they come and want to visit me again. It feels genuine and not a crazy effort.
I still don't have close friends, but I'm definitely happier with other people than I've been for a long time. And when I'm happy I stop analysing.

I has taken me decades to learn to be even this genuinely comfortable with others, both on my best days and my worst.

I'm also finding that changing where I live is changing the people who I meet. Having things in common, rather than struggling to choke back disagreements all the time, helps the enjoyment factor. That again leads to more happiness and less analysing.

I was thinking how therapy made me obsess about loneliness and having friends but in my case I've had to learn huge amounts about my own self before I could feel safer with other people.

I'm not knocking your exploration RD, but some of friendship behaviour perhaps just comes from forgetting the rules and enjoying social contact??? Also being patient enough to learn one step at a time, instead of juggling it all at once.

Or perhaps it doesn't. I guess I've worked in some super competitive and judgemental social environments, but now I'm meeting people who are more relaxed and so the game is more fluid. More open to learn from mistakes.

Just what I was reflecting on this afternoon, anyways. The more that I analysed myself in therapy the worse my social life became - because I expected to fit in with everybody instead of filtering who I reached out towards.
Yeah I can see where your coming from. It is good to be able to have friendships without analyzing all the time.
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