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Post Apr 19, 2019 at 11:46 AM
  #1
Yesterday, my boyfriend worked a late night shift and sadly only slept for two hours. We'd planned to spend the day together, which we did but I had no idea until mid day that he hadn't slept!! Otherwise, I wouldn't have met with him so he could get some much needed rest at home.

So around 6 pm, he starts to shut down, I can see that he's tired because he's closing his eyes and not talking to me (perfectly reasonable reaction to having not slept). He was happy to rest his head in my lap so I could scratch his back instead but I didn't want to sit in the car not talking about anything, just scratching his back - he had been extremely disrespectful throughout the day so I wasn't feeling affectionate.

Anyway, we went for a walk to wake him up a little but it wasn't working. He was grunting and sighing and giving short answers in response to my attempts to start a conversation to keep his mind active until I suggested he go to bed and sleep.

WHY did I do this? I explained to him - we'll see each other tomorrow, we can start fresh and have a better day with you well rested. It's not a problem, I won't be offended.

He was angry that I kept going on about him getting rest. The way he spoke to me was horrible so I went home but I don't understand what went wrong? I know some men don't appreciate being "babied", could that be it? Or something else?
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Default Apr 19, 2019 at 11:46 AM
  #2
Disclaimer, I'm going to break up with my boyfriend again (for absolute definite, this time) but for future reference, I think an unbiased perspective from anyone who understands/identifies with my problem could possibly benefit my approach to future relationships.
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Default Apr 19, 2019 at 11:54 AM
  #3
I dont know why in your case he was like that. Tired or not I do not appreciate anyone being disrespectful.

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Default Apr 19, 2019 at 12:07 PM
  #4
if you broke up with him, I imagine there are or were other deeper issues going to but in relation to the incident, it seems to me that you were being considerate of him and there's nothing wrong in that.

What went wrong? He was irritable, moody and wasn't very good at handling being tired and took it out on you, there really isn't anything deeper going on there.
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Default Apr 19, 2019 at 01:27 PM
  #5
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Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006 View Post
if you broke up with him, I imagine there are or were other deeper issues going to but in relation to the incident, it seems to me that you were being considerate of him and there's nothing wrong in that.

What went wrong? He was irritable, moody and wasn't very good at handling being tired and took it out on you, there really isn't anything deeper going on there.
True, there are plenty of problems unrelated to the incident which could have influenced him snapping at me over something like this - I haven't spoken to him since I left to go home and I really don't want to, he was so aggressive. I really want to break up with him but I really do not want to contact him, the thought makes me physically sick with anxiety, especially since I've already tried it before but failed but considerate is one thing I always aim to be, I'm so pleased to know someone else sees my concern in that way

Even if he's tired, I cannot understand how he felt like it was okay to take it out on me like that, I'm so confused. Thank you for your response!
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Default Apr 19, 2019 at 01:30 PM
  #6
I think you were being considerate of him. I wouldn’t say you were “mollycoddling”/pestering

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Default Apr 19, 2019 at 01:34 PM
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I think you were being considerate of him. I wouldn’t say you were “mollycoddling”/pestering
Thank you, fuzzybear I'm so glad you think so, that's all I ever intended to be
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Default Apr 19, 2019 at 02:03 PM
  #8
The thing is, naturally you're expecting a very controlling and abusive man to react reasonably to you. He will not. He is not a reasonable or rational person, therefore, he will not behave rationally or reasonsably. Don't question your own actions in any scenario with someone like him. Even if you made him dinner, cleaned up, made sure everything was tidy and nice and comfortable for him, brought and served him drinks and dessert in the living room while he has his feet up, he will find a way to be disrespectful and abusive and make you question, "what did I do wrong?" Please do leave this man, for your own sake.

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Default Apr 19, 2019 at 02:56 PM
  #9
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Originally Posted by eclairparty98 View Post
True, there are plenty of problems unrelated to the incident which could have influenced him snapping at me over something like this - I haven't spoken to him since I left to go home and I really don't want to, he was so aggressive. I really want to break up with him but I really do not want to contact him, the thought makes me physically sick with anxiety, especially since I've already tried it before but failed but considerate is one thing I always aim to be, I'm so pleased to know someone else sees my concern in that way

Even if he's tired, I cannot understand how he felt like it was okay to take it out on me like that, I'm so confused. Thank you for your response!

The sooner you break it off with him the sooner this is over and you dont' have to have anxiety over having to deal with him. Think about it, if someone you're supposed to be enjoying time with causes this much anguish, what does that say about the relationship? here's the thing, either you break it off and face the momentary anguish of having to deal with him to end it or face having to deal with the anxiety of worrying about his reaction perpetually until you do. which seems better to you? One has an actual end to it and the other doesn't.
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Default Apr 19, 2019 at 06:08 PM
  #10
Yes, I believe you are mollycoddling and pestering your boyfriend.

eclair, why are you spending time with this man who has been verbally abusive to you? I see no reason to spend time with someone who doesn't like me. If he was tired from no sleep the night before then his responses wouldn't be rational to begin with.

Last night I didn't get any sleep and today I was really snappy at my temp job with everyone, and had a hard time keeping my eyes open and focusing on my tasks.

To expect your abusive boyfriend to appreciate your concern for his well-being, seems somewhat codependent behavior to me, and a little bit demanding and insecure. Im sorry, but it's the way I perceive your situation and I like you a lot. If he doesn't act the way you expect him to, you overreact, which is a sign you are trying to control him. Are you? Trying to control him?

I thought you were through with him? Why would you care what he thinks of you, if you don't want to be with him anymore? If you don't want to break up with him, then don't.

Please understand that when someone loses a night of sleep, they aren't going to have the best manners with anyone the very next day, no matter who they interact with. My advice to you is to decide what you want from him and follow through on that. Do you want to stay with him? Or do you want to break up with him?

If you stay with him, you need to accept that he will continue to verbally abuse you the way you've posted about him doing, with periods where he stops if you call him out on it. But it will continue, b/c that is the pattern of your relationship.

If you break up with him, you will go through relationship withdraw which is totally normal. It's a process of learning to let go and not create excuses to keep the person in your life, who is toxic to your well-being. The process isn't an easy one to go through, but it's a necessary one.

Going no contact full-on, is the only way you can release your codependent pattern with your boyfriend who verbally abuses you. If he was respectful to you, you wouldn't have so much anxiety over your actions and choices when you spend time with him. But he's not respectful of you, which is why you react this way.
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Default Apr 20, 2019 at 04:19 AM
  #11
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Originally Posted by Have Hope View Post
The thing is, naturally you're expecting a very controlling and abusive man to react reasonably to you. He will not. He is not a reasonable or rational person, therefore, he will not behave rationally or reasonsably. Don't question your own actions in any scenario with someone like him. Even if you made him dinner, cleaned up, made sure everything was tidy and nice and comfortable for him, brought and served him drinks and dessert in the living room while he has his feet up, he will find a way to be disrespectful and abusive and make you question, "what did I do wrong?" Please do leave this man, for your own sake.
You're right, have hope. This couldn't be further from the truth, it's mildly depressing. It's alright, I've already decided I'm going to break up with him - I'm leaving, I'm not sure yet on how to exactly.. we haven't spoke to each other in 2 days and I've really appreciated that. I don't want to ghost him either but I don't want to reach out, I'd rather not speak to him at all. I'm thinking about leaving it for him to reach out and I'll end it. Who knows? Maybe he'll be the one to break up with Me
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Angry Apr 20, 2019 at 04:26 AM
  #12
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The sooner you break it off with him the sooner this is over and you dont' have to have anxiety over having to deal with him. Think about it, if someone you're supposed to be enjoying time with causes this much anguish, what does that say about the relationship? here's the thing, either you break it off and face the momentary anguish of having to deal with him to end it or face having to deal with the anxiety of worrying about his reaction perpetually until you do. which seems better to you? One has an actual end to it and the other doesn't.
It says a lot about our relationship, that it's a bad one - I'm aware of that, I've already checked out because I can't bring myself to go any further with him. I'm no longer happy with him. I'll admit that I should have left him for good when I first tried to break up with him. But should have, could have, would have - a lesson learned , I hope this is my first time being with someone who made me feel truly unhappy and disrespected. It's like dating your bully. I thought I could positively influence him, I shouldn't have and I'll know that for future reference, I hope.
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Post Apr 20, 2019 at 05:02 AM
  #13
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Originally Posted by StreetcarBlanche View Post
Yes, I believe you are mollycoddling and pestering your boyfriend.

eclair, why are you spending time with this man who has been verbally abusive to you? I see no reason to spend time with someone who doesn't like me. If he was tired from no sleep the night before then his responses wouldn't be rational to begin with.

Last night I didn't get any sleep and today I was really snappy at my temp job with everyone, and had a hard time keeping my eyes open and focusing on my tasks.

To expect your abusive boyfriend to appreciate your concern for his well-being, seems somewhat codependent behavior to me, and a little bit demanding and insecure. Im sorry, but it's the way I perceive your situation and I like you a lot. If he doesn't act the way you expect him to, you overreact, which is a sign you are trying to control him. Are you? Trying to control him?

I thought you were through with him? Why would you care what he thinks of you, if you don't want to be with him anymore? If you don't want to break up with him, then don't.

Please understand that when someone loses a night of sleep, they aren't going to have the best manners with anyone the very next day, no matter who they interact with. My advice to you is to decide what you want from him and follow through on that. Do you want to stay with him? Or do you want to break up with him?

If you stay with him, you need to accept that he will continue to verbally abuse you the way you've posted about him doing, with periods where he stops if you call him out on it. But it will continue, b/c that is the pattern of your relationship.

If you break up with him, you will go through relationship withdraw which is totally normal. It's a process of learning to let go and not create excuses to keep the person in your life, who is toxic to your well-being. The process isn't an easy one to go through, but it's a necessary one.

Going no contact full-on, is the only way you can release your codependent pattern with your boyfriend who verbally abuses you. If he was respectful to you, you wouldn't have so much anxiety over your actions and choices when you spend time with him. But he's not respectful of you, which is why you react this way.
Hello StreetcarBlanche you were right about everything you told me as were everyone else I opened up to and I should have listened. I'm relatively new to things like this and when he said he'd stop and that he never intended to hurt/disrespect me, I believed him - for a few days, he was genuinely really nice, like he'd become a caring, kind, thoughtful, loving man BUT the other day, everything was ruined because he went back to how he was before.

The sleep deprivation aside, we had a horrible day - he insulted my family, endlessly joked about my weight, suggested I'm abusive towards my dog, mocked my faith (he's atheist and entitled to his own beliefs but there are ways of communicating them respectfully to your partner - in his mind, everyone with faith is guilty of doing something wrong and therefore "hiding behind a cross", vicars are innapropiate towards choir boys ... he was extremely insensitive)... tired or not, you don't act in this way. Snappy, perhaps. But the snapping was the boiling point for me so I went home.

I understand why anyone wouldn't be well mannered/thoughtful having lacked sleep, I've been there - but I don't recall being so blatantly verbally abusive towards anyone. Shouting, probably... Snappy, yes. Personally insulting towards others, I absolutely was not and I'm sure you were not either. I can not reason with his behaviour so I'm not going to try. I'm going to break up with him and then block him, perhaps? I feel that's too harsh but after everything, it's probably necessary.

You're right that I probably have overreacted when he's not been as thoughtful as I wish he could be as my partner. I'm not sure if I'm controlling. Maybe I am in the sense that I wish he could be a kinder person, not just to me but to people in general. Either way, I've had enough of the animosity and disrespect and rudeness and as you noted, the false promises he makes to me - that he'll change/be thoughtful/stop insulting me and then do so after just a few days of being nice.

It's ok - I'm leaving and I'm sticking with my decision I haven't decided how exactly or what to say considering last time didn't work. Thank you again as always for your response, I appreciate it loads
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Default Apr 20, 2019 at 05:47 AM
  #14
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You're right, have hope. This couldn't be further from the truth, it's mildly depressing. It's alright, I've already decided I'm going to break up with him - I'm leaving, I'm not sure yet on how to exactly.. we haven't spoke to each other in 2 days and I've really appreciated that. I don't want to ghost him either but I don't want to reach out, I'd rather not speak to him at all. I'm thinking about leaving it for him to reach out and I'll end it. Who knows? Maybe he'll be the one to break up with Me
Ok, so now that you know you want to breakup, why did it not work the first time? Did he cling on? I wouldn’t expect him to break up with you in that case. Just pull the band aid off in one rip. Maybe wait til you hear from him. And yes I would block him after. He doesn’t deserve you.

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Default Apr 20, 2019 at 08:14 AM
  #15
If you haven’t spoken to each other for few days I’d treat it as you are being done with him and move on. He sounds unstable and you might be safer to not even contact him, just slip away quietly
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Default Apr 20, 2019 at 08:36 AM
  #16
eclair you know we care about you dear. He's such a toxic boyfriend to you and you don't deserve that kind of treatment. I don't think you should wait for him to reach out. Why would you? Just send him a text or email that the relationship is really over now and it's best for you both to just move on. Forgetting him will be difficult at first; you'll want to create reasons to stay in touch with him, in hopes of a reconciliation or at the very least, a platonic friendship. But, don't do that. He's not good for you, as he's proven to you time and time again. Ultimately, the decision is yours to make. All we can do is offer you our support and our opinions here. Good luck dear.
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Default Apr 20, 2019 at 12:44 PM
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Ok, so now that you know you want to breakup, why did it not work the first time? Did he cling on? I wouldn’t expect him to break up with you in that case. Just pull the band aid off in one rip. Maybe wait til you hear from him. And yes I would block him after. He doesn’t deserve you.
I've broken up with him, I feel terrible with guilt because he's done the same as last time - he wants us to try and work things out and get through this instead of "throwing everything away" which I know won't work. I'm not going through that again, we're not married so why should we stress ourselves trying to make it work so early in the relationship ?! It's not like we're talking about sworn sacred vows or anything. I am truly sorry it didn't work out though, I must say.

Thank you as always for your kind, supportive, motivational words to me I forgot to mention how much I love the footer beneath your posts, so encouraging and uplifting.
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Default Apr 20, 2019 at 12:50 PM
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eclair you know we care about you dear. He's such a toxic boyfriend to you and you don't deserve that kind of treatment. I don't think you should wait for him to reach out. Why would you? Just send him a text or email that the relationship is really over now and it's best for you both to just move on. Forgetting him will be difficult at first; you'll want to create reasons to stay in touch with him, in hopes of a reconciliation or at the very least, a platonic friendship. But, don't do that. He's not good for you, as he's proven to you time and time again. Ultimately, the decision is yours to make. All we can do is offer you our support and our opinions here. Good luck dear.
I've gone through with it, at last!! I'm promising myself to stick to this decision as much as it pains me to leave because part of me feels like somewhere I have failed at something, I know it's necessary - not just for me but also for him. We're both free of the negativity attached to our relationship, thank goodness. I do wish that somehow it could have been better between us. Thank you for your support as always, StreetcarBlanche!
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Blush Apr 20, 2019 at 12:52 PM
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If you haven’t spoken to each other for few days I’d treat it as you are being done with him and move on. He sounds unstable and you might be safer to not even contact him, just slip away quietly
Thank you for sharing your opinion, I agree with you - it didn't work out that way but I got there in the end
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Default Apr 20, 2019 at 03:33 PM
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Good girl! Now comes the hard part - staying out of contact with him. Find activities and friends to distract yourself with for the next few weeks b/c these will be the times when you reminisce about the fun you had with him, which will spur you on to reach out to him - which is NOT a good idea. It's like quitting a bad habit - like smoking or drinking - you sometimes need to stop cold turkey and be easy on yourself afterward and find ways to distract yourself when you have a craving for that bad thing.
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