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Floralee
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Frown Apr 17, 2019 at 10:32 AM
  #1
Hello everyone,

I came here for some help. I struggled a long time ago with panic attacks so I'm familiar with them.

I met a young and nice guy and we were close friends for 5 months, although there was a very strong attraction there. I'm older than him (I'm 30 and he's 23) and we worked together, he kept finding ways to be constantly next to me, in my office, seeing me after work etc. But his reactions were odd, he kept blowing hot and cold and admitted he had bad anxiety issues. He later admitted he had a girlfriend as well but it wasn't going good. I didn't insist and stopped being so close to him but he then decided to break up his girlfriend and we finally started dating after he said he couldn't ignore his feelings for me anymore. It was instantly very passionate and we could not get apart.

However, he was stressed out about our first night together and when the day finally came, he had an ED problem. I tried to reassure him but it blew out into a full on panic attack and he threw up multiple times. He then started to question the whole relationship and found many excuses and blamed it on me, that I put too much pressure on him. However, he was so passionate towards me that I didn't know why he was blaming me for acting the same.

He said he knew he was escaping and running away, and that he was sabotaging everything but he said he couldn't help it and everytime he saw me he was ashamed. He told me he was completely mentally blocked and everytime he saw me it created another panic attack. It broke my heart to see I was causing such a distress in him, he barely could talk in front of me. He said he had strong feelings and desire for me but he had this huge fear without being able to say what it was.

He broke up with me two weeks later, saying mean stuff, like he never cared, and disappeared. I sent him few nice messages but he never answered, although he still constantly checks my social media, not missing a single thing I post since the breakup two months ago.

Since that day, I play this episode over and over in my head and I'm wondering what I've done wrong. Everyone around me says he didn't care about me but this thought makes me so depressed. My panic attacks started again, though it had been years I hadn't had one. I keep blaming myself and thinking all those months of courtship, friendship and this deep emotional bond we had was a big lie. We have friends in common and they say he is doing perfectly fine, and he flirts with other girls. I know he's good at hiding his anxiety issues, nobody knew except me. But my own insecurities tell me I'm the only one suffering and he played me all along.

I decided to move out of the city and get closer to my friends and family in order to heal. He knows but never ever initiated contact, or explained what happened, even knowing we'll never see each other again. I can't believe I'll never hear from him and everytime I think about it, the panic starts again. I just want to know what happened. I want an explanation, I want to rationalise his reaction and it's driving me insane. What do you think? Have you experienced something similar?
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healingme4me
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Default Apr 17, 2019 at 11:17 AM
  #2
Does he have a drug and alcohol problem was my initial thought?

This, forced a move in where you resided? Or were you planning a move prior to this?

Sorry that you are going through this
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Floralee
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Default Apr 17, 2019 at 11:28 AM
  #3
Thank you for your reply

No he has a health problem, he had a seizure at 18 that provoked all this anxiety. He has to constantly checks what he eats or drink and he lives with that fear of death.

Actually, I met him while I was working in another town for a contract. Since then, my contract ended so I figured there was no point staying here. I made friends and stuff here, but this city evokes too many memories with him and I got honest with myself: I was only staying to wait for him. That's why I'm going back home.
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Default Apr 17, 2019 at 01:42 PM
  #4
You didn’t do anything wrong.

He has mental health issues that have not been sufficiently treated.

The problem was not your fault.

His blaming you was a way to defend himself from facing his mental health issues.

The fact that he can flirt with others is irrelevant. He may look mentally healthy to them, but you have seen the truth.

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Default Apr 17, 2019 at 02:30 PM
  #5
I'm so sorry you're hurting so much, Floralee! I completely agree with what both healingme4me and Bill3 have already wisely said better than I ever could! I'd suggest to you to listen to them as much as you can if you want to! They always give such great, wise, wonderful advice to EVERYONE, like in this case! It was NOT your fault and you did NOTHING wrong! From what you wrote it seems clear that he's struggling with Anziety and several MI issues of his own! That doesn't mean that you did anything wrong towards him! You did everything you could to make this relationship work and you've tried to be nice to him, but HE was the one that decided to break and HE was the one that decided he wasn't ready for it! Please don't be so hard on yourself! Things like this can happen and it's NOT your fault! I'm really happy that you have a support system IRL at least! Please try to spend as much time with the people you love and that who love you back! You ABSOLUTELY deserve it! Remember that we're here for you if you need it! Feel free to PM me anytime! Let me know if I can do something to help you! Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes! I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this, Floralee!
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Default Apr 17, 2019 at 02:52 PM
  #6
Quote:
Originally Posted by Floralee View Post
Hello everyone,

I came here for some help. I struggled a long time ago with panic attacks so I'm familiar with them.

I met a young and nice guy and we were close friends for 5 months, although there was a very strong attraction there. I'm older than him (I'm 30 and he's 23) and we worked together, he kept finding ways to be constantly next to me, in my office, seeing me after work etc. But his reactions were odd, he kept blowing hot and cold and admitted he had bad anxiety issues. He later admitted he had a girlfriend as well but it wasn't going good. I didn't insist and stopped being so close to him but he then decided to break up his girlfriend and we finally started dating after he said he couldn't ignore his feelings for me anymore. It was instantly very passionate and we could not get apart.

However, he was stressed out about our first night together and when the day finally came, he had an ED problem. I tried to reassure him but it blew out into a full on panic attack and he threw up multiple times. He then started to question the whole relationship and found many excuses and blamed it on me, that I put too much pressure on him. However, he was so passionate towards me that I didn't know why he was blaming me for acting the same.

He said he knew he was escaping and running away, and that he was sabotaging everything but he said he couldn't help it and everytime he saw me he was ashamed. He told me he was completely mentally blocked and everytime he saw me it created another panic attack. It broke my heart to see I was causing such a distress in him, he barely could talk in front of me. He said he had strong feelings and desire for me but he had this huge fear without being able to say what it was.

He broke up with me two weeks later, saying mean stuff, like he never cared, and disappeared. I sent him few nice messages but he never answered, although he still constantly checks my social media, not missing a single thing I post since the breakup two months ago.

Since that day, I play this episode over and over in my head and I'm wondering what I've done wrong. Everyone around me says he didn't care about me but this thought makes me so depressed. My panic attacks started again, though it had been years I hadn't had one. I keep blaming myself and thinking all those months of courtship, friendship and this deep emotional bond we had was a big lie. We have friends in common and they say he is doing perfectly fine, and he flirts with other girls. I know he's good at hiding his anxiety issues, nobody knew except me. But my own insecurities tell me I'm the only one suffering and he played me all along.

I decided to move out of the city and get closer to my friends and family in order to heal. He knows but never ever initiated contact, or explained what happened, even knowing we'll never see each other again. I can't believe I'll never hear from him and everytime I think about it, the panic starts again. I just want to know what happened. I want an explanation, I want to rationalise his reaction and it's driving me insane. What do you think? Have you experienced something similar?

There really is only one answer to this. it wasn't a good match and he obviously is not stable enough for a relationship, whether that be in general or with anyone. Clearly he also does not do well in relationships either, proven by the fact that he was flirting and pursuing you even before he broke up with his gf at the time which he says was going badly. So to be honest, you dodged a bullet here.

It doesn't sound like there was much there except attraction and infatuation nothing deep developed and it was cut short, probably saving you from a lot of heartache anyway.

If you want the rational and simple answer there it is. he's not a stable person that would be a good fit with you in a relationship. if you're looking for answers as to what you did wrong, what you could have done differently you're just spinning your wheels.
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Default Apr 17, 2019 at 03:25 PM
  #7
Sandman is on the right track, with his observation.

This guy in your office -- the 23 year old -- was inappropriate with you; the way he initiated flirting with you at the office while still with his girlfriend.

I think he got ED b/c he was not ready to take his connection with you to that intimate level. It was nothing you did. It is all about his dishonesty with you from the beginning.

I feel like, he used you from the start. He is very immature, to flirt with a single, available woman like you, while he is already in a relationship with another woman, and lied to you about it until she probably dumped him (that's just a guess).

The way he acted interested/not interested (aka "hot and cold") with you, is also another red flag. A sign that he is not emotionally available to you in the way that you deserve from a man.

I am sorry that you had this experience. I have had this experience with men multiple times. Unfortunately, there are a lot of immature men out in the world.

Please do not blame yourself for any of this. You were single, available, and ready to be in a real relationship. This young man took advantage of you and hurt your feelings because he is immature.

I understand the panic attacks you have, are a reaction to the stress and anxiety from everything he put you through. I also experience panic attacks like the ones you describe, after I experience stress from a relationship that's gone bad. Some people are just wired to respond that way to stress. It's ok.

I don't think you did anything wrong. He wasn't the right partner for you. He took advantage of your good nature and your attraction to him, because he is immature and selfish. Not all men are that way. Don't give up hope. I think you deserve to be with a more mature man. Don't let this 23 year old man control how you feel about yourself.
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Default Apr 18, 2019 at 04:10 AM
  #8
Alot of people will say age doesnt matter but with a man who is 23 and you are 30 I think it does. I think they recently changed the guidelines for adolescence and said that at 23 you are not out of it. I think they said it continues til about age 26. If that is true than it seems to me it played into his personality and his ability to blame you. He might not have been able to help the panic attack but he can help blaming you and being nasty. Its good that you found out early on he would be this way. Do you think he got with his ex again?

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Default Apr 18, 2019 at 04:15 AM
  #9
He is bad news. There is more going on than panic attacks. Hot and cold pursuing a woman while having a girlfriend. Player? Not good. Or he might be just too young. Move on.
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