His panic attack ended our relationship - Forums at Psych Central



advertisement
Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 04-17-2019, 10:32 AM #1
Floralee Floralee is offline
New Member
 
Member Since: Apr 2019
Location: France
Posts: 2
Floralee Floralee is offline
New Member
Floralee has no updates.
 
Member Since: Apr 2019
Location: France
Posts: 2

Frown His panic attack ended our relationship

Hello everyone,

I came here for some help. I struggled a long time ago with panic attacks so I'm familiar with them.

I met a young and nice guy and we were close friends for 5 months, although there was a very strong attraction there. I'm older than him (I'm 30 and he's 23) and we worked together, he kept finding ways to be constantly next to me, in my office, seeing me after work etc. But his reactions were odd, he kept blowing hot and cold and admitted he had bad anxiety issues. He later admitted he had a girlfriend as well but it wasn't going good. I didn't insist and stopped being so close to him but he then decided to break up his girlfriend and we finally started dating after he said he couldn't ignore his feelings for me anymore. It was instantly very passionate and we could not get apart.

However, he was stressed out about our first night together and when the day finally came, he had an ED problem. I tried to reassure him but it blew out into a full on panic attack and he threw up multiple times. He then started to question the whole relationship and found many excuses and blamed it on me, that I put too much pressure on him. However, he was so passionate towards me that I didn't know why he was blaming me for acting the same.

He said he knew he was escaping and running away, and that he was sabotaging everything but he said he couldn't help it and everytime he saw me he was ashamed. He told me he was completely mentally blocked and everytime he saw me it created another panic attack. It broke my heart to see I was causing such a distress in him, he barely could talk in front of me. He said he had strong feelings and desire for me but he had this huge fear without being able to say what it was.

He broke up with me two weeks later, saying mean stuff, like he never cared, and disappeared. I sent him few nice messages but he never answered, although he still constantly checks my social media, not missing a single thing I post since the breakup two months ago.

Since that day, I play this episode over and over in my head and I'm wondering what I've done wrong. Everyone around me says he didn't care about me but this thought makes me so depressed. My panic attacks started again, though it had been years I hadn't had one. I keep blaming myself and thinking all those months of courtship, friendship and this deep emotional bond we had was a big lie. We have friends in common and they say he is doing perfectly fine, and he flirts with other girls. I know he's good at hiding his anxiety issues, nobody knew except me. But my own insecurities tell me I'm the only one suffering and he played me all along.

I decided to move out of the city and get closer to my friends and family in order to heal. He knows but never ever initiated contact, or explained what happened, even knowing we'll never see each other again. I can't believe I'll never hear from him and everytime I think about it, the panic starts again. I just want to know what happened. I want an explanation, I want to rationalise his reaction and it's driving me insane. What do you think? Have you experienced something similar?
Floralee is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Hugs from:
"Thanks for this!" says:

advertisement
Old 04-17-2019, 11:17 AM #2
healingme4me's Avatar
healingme4me healingme4me is offline
Perpetually Pondering
Community Liaison
 
Member Since: Apr 2013
Location: New England
Posts: 45,976
healingme4me healingme4me is offline
Perpetually Pondering
Community Liaison
healingme4me's Avatar
healingme4me Needs a little reading lamp.
 
Member Since: Apr 2013
Location: New England
Posts: 45,976 (SuperPoster!)

5 yr Member
6,418 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: His panic attack ended our relationship

Does he have a drug and alcohol problem was my initial thought?

This, forced a move in where you resided? Or were you planning a move prior to this?

Sorry that you are going through this
healingme4me is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Hugs from:
"Thanks for this!" says:
Old 04-17-2019, 11:28 AM #3
Floralee Floralee is offline
New Member
 
Member Since: Apr 2019
Location: France
Posts: 2
Floralee Floralee is offline
New Member
Floralee has no updates.
 
Member Since: Apr 2019
Location: France
Posts: 2

Default Re: His panic attack ended our relationship

Thank you for your reply

No he has a health problem, he had a seizure at 18 that provoked all this anxiety. He has to constantly checks what he eats or drink and he lives with that fear of death.

Actually, I met him while I was working in another town for a contract. Since then, my contract ended so I figured there was no point staying here. I made friends and stuff here, but this city evokes too many memories with him and I got honest with myself: I was only staying to wait for him. That's why I'm going back home.
Floralee is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:
Old 04-17-2019, 01:42 PM #4
Bill3 Bill3 is online now
Wise Elder
 
Member Since: Mar 2009
Location: USA
Posts: 8,877
Bill3 Bill3 is online now
Wise Elder
Bill3 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Mar 2009
Location: USA
Posts: 8,877 (SuperPoster!)

10 yr Member
17.4k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: His panic attack ended our relationship

You didn’t do anything wrong.

He has mental health issues that have not been sufficiently treated.

The problem was not your fault.

His blaming you was a way to defend himself from facing his mental health issues.

The fact that he can flirt with others is irrelevant. He may look mentally healthy to them, but you have seen the truth.

Bill3 is online now   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Hugs from:
"Thanks for this!" says:
Old 04-17-2019, 02:30 PM #5
MickeyCheeky's Avatar
MickeyCheeky MickeyCheeky is online now
Wise Elder
 
Member Since: Jun 2016
Location: Italy
Posts: 9,441
MickeyCheeky MickeyCheeky is online now
Wise Elder
MickeyCheeky's Avatar
MickeyCheeky My echo is the only voice coming back
 
Member Since: Jun 2016
Location: Italy
Posts: 9,441 (SuperPoster!)

2 yr Member
30.7k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: His panic attack ended our relationship

I'm so sorry you're hurting so much, Floralee! I completely agree with what both healingme4me and Bill3 have already wisely said better than I ever could! I'd suggest to you to listen to them as much as you can if you want to! They always give such great, wise, wonderful advice to EVERYONE, like in this case! It was NOT your fault and you did NOTHING wrong! From what you wrote it seems clear that he's struggling with Anziety and several MI issues of his own! That doesn't mean that you did anything wrong towards him! You did everything you could to make this relationship work and you've tried to be nice to him, but HE was the one that decided to break and HE was the one that decided he wasn't ready for it! Please don't be so hard on yourself! Things like this can happen and it's NOT your fault! I'm really happy that you have a support system IRL at least! Please try to spend as much time with the people you love and that who love you back! You ABSOLUTELY deserve it! Remember that we're here for you if you need it! Feel free to PM me anytime! Let me know if I can do something to help you! Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes! I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this, Floralee!
MickeyCheeky is online now   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Hugs from:
"Thanks for this!" says:
Old 04-17-2019, 02:52 PM #6
s4ndm4n2006's Avatar
s4ndm4n2006 s4ndm4n2006 is offline
Chat Moderator
Chat Leader
 
Member Since: Jul 2014
Location: limbo
Posts: 1,987
s4ndm4n2006 s4ndm4n2006 is offline
Chat Moderator
Chat Leader
s4ndm4n2006's Avatar
s4ndm4n2006 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jul 2014
Location: limbo
Posts: 1,987

3 yr Member
178 hugs
given
Default Re: His panic attack ended our relationship

Quote:
Originally Posted by Floralee View Post
Hello everyone,

I came here for some help. I struggled a long time ago with panic attacks so I'm familiar with them.

I met a young and nice guy and we were close friends for 5 months, although there was a very strong attraction there. I'm older than him (I'm 30 and he's 23) and we worked together, he kept finding ways to be constantly next to me, in my office, seeing me after work etc. But his reactions were odd, he kept blowing hot and cold and admitted he had bad anxiety issues. He later admitted he had a girlfriend as well but it wasn't going good. I didn't insist and stopped being so close to him but he then decided to break up his girlfriend and we finally started dating after he said he couldn't ignore his feelings for me anymore. It was instantly very passionate and we could not get apart.

However, he was stressed out about our first night together and when the day finally came, he had an ED problem. I tried to reassure him but it blew out into a full on panic attack and he threw up multiple times. He then started to question the whole relationship and found many excuses and blamed it on me, that I put too much pressure on him. However, he was so passionate towards me that I didn't know why he was blaming me for acting the same.

He said he knew he was escaping and running away, and that he was sabotaging everything but he said he couldn't help it and everytime he saw me he was ashamed. He told me he was completely mentally blocked and everytime he saw me it created another panic attack. It broke my heart to see I was causing such a distress in him, he barely could talk in front of me. He said he had strong feelings and desire for me but he had this huge fear without being able to say what it was.

He broke up with me two weeks later, saying mean stuff, like he never cared, and disappeared. I sent him few nice messages but he never answered, although he still constantly checks my social media, not missing a single thing I post since the breakup two months ago.

Since that day, I play this episode over and over in my head and I'm wondering what I've done wrong. Everyone around me says he didn't care about me but this thought makes me so depressed. My panic attacks started again, though it had been years I hadn't had one. I keep blaming myself and thinking all those months of courtship, friendship and this deep emotional bond we had was a big lie. We have friends in common and they say he is doing perfectly fine, and he flirts with other girls. I know he's good at hiding his anxiety issues, nobody knew except me. But my own insecurities tell me I'm the only one suffering and he played me all along.

I decided to move out of the city and get closer to my friends and family in order to heal. He knows but never ever initiated contact, or explained what happened, even knowing we'll never see each other again. I can't believe I'll never hear from him and everytime I think about it, the panic starts again. I just want to know what happened. I want an explanation, I want to rationalise his reaction and it's driving me insane. What do you think? Have you experienced something similar?

There really is only one answer to this. it wasn't a good match and he obviously is not stable enough for a relationship, whether that be in general or with anyone. Clearly he also does not do well in relationships either, proven by the fact that he was flirting and pursuing you even before he broke up with his gf at the time which he says was going badly. So to be honest, you dodged a bullet here.


It doesn't sound like there was much there except attraction and infatuation nothing deep developed and it was cut short, probably saving you from a lot of heartache anyway.


If you want the rational and simple answer there it is. he's not a stable person that would be a good fit with you in a relationship. if you're looking for answers as to what you did wrong, what you could have done differently you're just spinning your wheels.
s4ndm4n2006 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Hugs from:
"Thanks for this!" says:
Old 04-17-2019, 03:25 PM #7
StreetcarBlanche's Avatar
StreetcarBlanche StreetcarBlanche is offline
Member
 
Member Since: Mar 2018
Location: U.S.
Posts: 387
StreetcarBlanche StreetcarBlanche is offline
Member
StreetcarBlanche's Avatar
StreetcarBlanche I don't want realism. I want magic.
 
Member Since: Mar 2018
Location: U.S.
Posts: 387

1 yr Member
106 hugs
given
Default Re: His panic attack ended our relationship

Sandman is on the right track, with his observation.

This guy in your office -- the 23 year old -- was inappropriate with you; the way he initiated flirting with you at the office while still with his girlfriend.

I think he got ED b/c he was not ready to take his connection with you to that intimate level. It was nothing you did. It is all about his dishonesty with you from the beginning.

I feel like, he used you from the start. He is very immature, to flirt with a single, available woman like you, while he is already in a relationship with another woman, and lied to you about it until she probably dumped him (that's just a guess).

The way he acted interested/not interested (aka "hot and cold") with you, is also another red flag. A sign that he is not emotionally available to you in the way that you deserve from a man.

I am sorry that you had this experience. I have had this experience with men multiple times. Unfortunately, there are a lot of immature men out in the world.

Please do not blame yourself for any of this. You were single, available, and ready to be in a real relationship. This young man took advantage of you and hurt your feelings because he is immature.

I understand the panic attacks you have, are a reaction to the stress and anxiety from everything he put you through. I also experience panic attacks like the ones you describe, after I experience stress from a relationship that's gone bad. Some people are just wired to respond that way to stress. It's ok.

I don't think you did anything wrong. He wasn't the right partner for you. He took advantage of your good nature and your attraction to him, because he is immature and selfish. Not all men are that way. Don't give up hope. I think you deserve to be with a more mature man. Don't let this 23 year old man control how you feel about yourself.
StreetcarBlanche is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Hugs from:
"Thanks for this!" says:
Old 04-18-2019, 04:10 AM #8
sarahsweets's Avatar
sarahsweets sarahsweets is online now
Grand Poohbah
 
Member Since: Dec 2018
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 1,970
sarahsweets sarahsweets is online now
Grand Poohbah
sarahsweets's Avatar
sarahsweets Humor is my end game..
 
Member Since: Dec 2018
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 1,970 (SuperPoster!)

107 hugs
given
Default Re: His panic attack ended our relationship

Alot of people will say age doesnt matter but with a man who is 23 and you are 30 I think it does. I think they recently changed the guidelines for adolescence and said that at 23 you are not out of it. I think they said it continues til about age 26. If that is true than it seems to me it played into his personality and his ability to blame you. He might not have been able to help the panic attack but he can help blaming you and being nasty. Its good that you found out early on he would be this way. Do you think he got with his ex again?
__________________
"I carried a watermelon?"

President of the no F's given society.
sarahsweets is online now   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Old 04-18-2019, 04:15 AM #9
divine1966's Avatar
divine1966 divine1966 is online now
Legendary
 
Member Since: Dec 2014
Location: US
Posts: 13,386
divine1966 divine1966 is online now
Legendary
divine1966's Avatar
divine1966 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Dec 2014
Location: US
Posts: 13,386 (SuperPoster!)

3 yr Member
447 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: His panic attack ended our relationship

He is bad news. There is more going on than panic attacks. Hot and cold pursuing a woman while having a girlfriend. Player? Not good. Or he might be just too young. Move on.
divine1966 is online now   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off



All times are GMT -5. The time now is 10:16 AM.

Powered by vBulletin® — Copyright © 2000 - 2019, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.



 

advertisement

Psych Central Forums

Psych Central is the leading mental health website, overseen by mental health professionals since 1995.

 

Helplines and Lifelines

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider. .

Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.
Please read the full disclaimer.