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Old 04-17-2019, 03:42 PM #1
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Default Why are red flags only visible in hindsight?

I wish I could see the real difficult red flags as they happen to me from men, versus in hindsight when the encounter or relationship is done, and I've had time to reflect on who he was and what went wrong.

That narcissist guy I posted about in my other thread is the most recent experience.

Here are some more red flags about him, that popped up today while I was driving:

1. When he got into my car, he asked about my radio b/c it wasn't the factory radio kind. So, I told him that I treated myself to a new radio with bells and whistles to it. zhe shamed me for buying it, and reminded me that I'd just spent a lot of money repairing my car, and reminded me that the money I spent repairing my car is more than the Kelley Blue Book value (I still owe money on my car). I felt shamed by him and wanted to defend myself, but I didn't. I wanted to explain my choices to him, but decided not to, b/c I didn't think he would even listen to me, or care.

2. When he was a FB friend (he isn't anymore), he would send me these inappropriate GIFS or MEMES and comment, "Is this CGI?" Pretty much all of the images or videos were just odd or inappropriate; like, he sent me one of a very thin teenage boy riding horseback on top of a really large guy who was crawling around on the ground, to the background of country music. That's just one example of the weird stuff this 57 year old guy would send me.

3. He would post a lot of tasteless puns on my FB wall in response to things I posted about. I would have to go back and delete them all b/c I felt like he did that to try to embarrass me. Whereas, on his other friends FB walls or his own, would be completely normal posts that show him in a different way. But on my FB wall, he's litter it with just weird and inappropriate puns.

4. The second time we met for lunch, he texted me he was going to be late. Then when he showed up, stood over me and screamed in my face that my text response was immature and that I should pay for his meal. Then he said he was kidding. My text response was, "Ok, I'm sitting over in this section of the restaurant" to his text "I'm running late." It freaked me out, the way he did that. We barely knew each other as that was our 2nd time meeting for lunch.

I think his comments shaming me about my choices with my car, being a red flag that I didn't respond to when I should have while he was still in the car, and his weird behavior at the restaurant, that I also didn't respond to while he was there, to tell him, that his behavior freaked me out and was not ok, really bothers me. I wish I had reacted appropriately with boundaries right as these red flags were happening.
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Old 04-17-2019, 03:55 PM #2
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Default Re: Why are red flags only visible in hindsight?

this is a good question to ask and I had a long response that pc decided to have a brain fart and fail to post. too lazy to respond in full... so I'll summarize.


Hind sight we are looking at things from a disconnected and therefore more logical and rational view point so we see things we didn't see in the midst of the emotional high a new love gives us. Driven mostly by emotions, our rational mind typically ignores the obvious.


Driven mostly by emotions, our emotional mind typically ignores the logic and many times, obvious.
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Old 04-17-2019, 04:25 PM #3
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Default Re: Why are red flags only visible in hindsight?

I'm so sorry you're hurting so much, StreetcarBlanche! Please don't be so hard on yourself! I completely agree with what s4ndm4n2006 has already wisely said MUCH better than I ever could! I'd suggest you to listen to him as much as you can if you want to! He always gives such great, wise, wonderful advice to EVERYONE, like in this case! Like he has already said, it's hard to recognize these red flags when we're involved emotionally with someone! We can't always think rationally about someone and it's not alway easy to detach ourselves emotionally from other experiences and other people! You CAN give it a try though and see how it goes from there! What matters however is that you WERE able to understand that he was a narcissist and that you WERE able to cut off contacts with him and to get away from his as much and as soon as you could! That means that you're AWARE of it even though it is not right away like you hope! I'm sure next time you'll be able to recognize these red flags even sooner, if not right away! Of course let's hope you'll NEVER have to deal with someone so bad again! Sending many hugs to you, StreetcarBlanche!
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Old 04-17-2019, 04:37 PM #4
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Default Re: Why are red flags only visible in hindsight?

I think my problem is that some red flags are hard to decipher as being red flags; or they're minor vs. major red flags.

I agree with you both, that our emotional mind tends to ignore the rational mind. Trying to meld those two together, to get to a "wise mind" to use DBT lingo, is the key. But wow, is that hard to do.
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Old 04-17-2019, 06:24 PM #5
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Default Re: Why are red flags only visible in hindsight?

It's hard because toxic people (narcissistic) simply don't care unless there is something in it for them. They can be very nice too, they have learned how to be charming and manipulative. So, often you don't really notice the red flags right away.

That man Bernie Madoff, he manipulated a lot of "smart" and successful people out of their money, people were so ashamed when they found out he spent their money, people like Stephen Speilburg who are very intelligent and successful.
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Old 04-17-2019, 07:02 PM #6
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Default Re: Why are red flags only visible in hindsight?

Good example of a narcissist tricking people, Open Eyes. I remember that news story about all the millionaires he duped and stole money from, for his fake investment company.

So you're absolutely right. THey can be nice and charming and manipulative. It's hard sometimes to recognize when you're being duped, or when to call out someone's behavior or not b/c it is borderline red flag or its a red flag that looks like a pink flag.
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Old 04-17-2019, 09:20 PM #7
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Default Re: Why are red flags only visible in hindsight?

There is a lot of them in politics, both parties, that's why there is SO MUCH hipocracy. The true love is that of power.
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Old 04-18-2019, 03:51 AM #8
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Default Re: Why are red flags only visible in hindsight?

I think we are more aware of them then we think. I think we can be manipulated into self doubt by a "qualified" narcissist into thinking that red flags do not exists. But then we see more of them and our wise mind tried to tell us that they exist but being under the thumb of an experienced abuser we somehow tell ourselves that they dont matter. And then something changes within us, it could be major or just a small shift but it all becomes clear and we are able to see all the red flags, all at once and we are like " Why didnt I see that before?" So we end it- stop the narcissist in their tracks to protect ourselves-we get smart or wise or become enlightened and we are able to kick their sorry butts to the curb.
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Old 04-18-2019, 06:15 AM #9
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Default Re: Why are red flags only visible in hindsight?

People are often in denial

I think when people are desperate for love, they are in denial about red flags. I know women who knew that their boyfriend is a jerk, but they still married, had kids, then spend their whole life complain how bad he is.

If he is bad boyfriend he’ll be a bad husband. But some people would rather be with a jerk than alone. They don’t know how to be alone. And then many women don’t want to support themselves so they’d rather live with a jerk than go get a job and become independent

I think there are reasons for not seeing red flags, some of which is denial

But that just one reason. Not everyone is in denial. Sometimes we want to give people second chance or some people are good pretending, although one can only pretend that long. My daughter got together with this jerk last year and truth about him came out which wasn’t how he initially presented himself. She got out quickly, she was out like a light. Sometimes we all miss red flags, the point is to get out as soon as we see them!
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Old 04-18-2019, 09:11 PM #10
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Default Re: Why are red flags only visible in hindsight?

"Distraction techniques":

I've read that that narcs and psychopaths use distraction techniques to lure you away from the red flags.

For example, just when you are about to question him, he starts kissing you, or surprise you with a romantic dinner.

Crying is another distraction technique they use. For example, when he sees on your face that you are starting to doubt his "sob stories" about his ex, he starts to cry. You are emotionally moved and your mind is too occupied with comforting him that you cannot use it to sort out his sob stories.
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