The dating world makes me want to roll in glass

It's good that you recognize these two issues you have with your self esteem.

While it's easy to advise you to "just be yourself," if you don't like who you are, that can be difficult to do. I've been there, where I didn't value myself enough and had terrible relationship and dating experiences, because the guys I was with sensed I didn't have high self esteem so they really treated me badly.

The first thing you need to decide is, how are you going to address these insecurities that you have about yourself? You may not need therapy as much as you need to decide what is it that you can do, to become more comfortable with yourself, more accepting of yourself?

The more comfortable we are with ourselves, the quicker people pick up on that and are attracted to it. Of course you have the predatory people who look for people with low self esteem, poor boundaries who don't set limits with other people, and take advantage of them.

It's like I said. You're letting yourself be the gay stereotype with your casual sex relationships. Don't be a stereotype. Don't fall prey to the social pressure to go out and get DTF with every guy you meet.

@sarahsweets....Of course, not EVERYONE online is undesirable. But it DOES make it much easier for people on whatever mission they are on, to scam on people one way or the other.

I feel like these guys are so successful, beautiful and disciplined and I just don't feel like I can compete.

I just don't think I'm at the same level as they are. They have these cool jobs, live in these chic downtown apartments, have greek-god bodies, bikeride to work everyday, and live these amazing lives, and I don't feel like I measure up. I obviously get that they worked hard for these things, and that's what I'm trying to do now. I work out as often as I can, I'm studying hard to get my degree, and do as many hours as possible at work, all to try and get to that level. For the time being though, I don't think i'm ready to join the race. Having someone to run alongside me in that race would be a dream come true, but it seems like everybody is already ahead.

Ahhh flashbacks... triggered

I feel like at one time online dating had reasonable people on it. I know a few people who met husbands on there - like 1997 - But I feel like at some point people figured out all the potential for abuse and online is now used that way. It is too bad.

I feel like this is the great tragedy for my generation... if you didn't find your mate when you were young, you are out of luck as there has been a temporary shift in figuring out how to find your mate. Or even the appropriate or helpful roles for males and females in a relationship. I feel like this is leading to separating people ( e.g., incels) almost needlessly.

Many guys I know complain they go on line and never get a response and become discouraged - taking it as a rejection. But to me that is just an obvious issue with the service not getting rid of old profiles as it makes it seem like they have plenty of people to choose from.

I know so many great women out there, accomplished, thin, generous, witty, and they are all alone. Most have given up trying to find a guy. Personally I am starting to think there is just a lack of good men out there. Online seems to flourish because it allows bad men to indulge in their selfish desires. But the chance of finding a good guy on there is very low.

I wonder if it always has been this way, a certain percentage of men even back in the 50s who were "dogs" but kept their behavior hidden because it wasn't socially acceptable / they had to marry to get any. Is it made even worse by having so many people around? Recently I saw a movie with an epic love story. But the thing was that both lived their lives on an island. Well of course you can be epically in love with someone else if they are the only other person around. Many of the literature stories I see from like the 1800s or something, you can see how few people are even available to a main character.

I have given up.

Dear, that's your low self esteem and distorted thinking guiding you. Stop that. I recommend that you read psychologist David Burns books. I did and those set me on the right path towards higher self esteem, and learning how to spot distorted thinking and other dysfunctional thinking patterns. Cognitive therapy is amazing and oriented in Buddhism, because it's about self-actualization, not in the kooky new-age way, but in the, hold-yourself-accountable-for-your-thoughts-and-actions way and you learn how to become more self-aware and you also learn to recognize healthy and dysfunctional speech and thought patterns in other people.

Don't compare yourself to these men. The grass may be greener but you don't know if they use fertilizer, had someone give them the green grass, or they stole that green grass, or pretend it's their green grass. You don't know. Don't envy those men b/c you just don't know. Focus on yourself; focus on being really satisfied with the man you've become RIGHT NOW, in the present, and this light you exude about being happy with who you are, right now, will attract other gay men who appreciate who you are on your journey.



Everything in your post bolded, I 100% agree with. I think my window for finding a man was before the internet came into existence just after I graduated college in the very early 1990s. But I never met "the one" in college like many love stories talk about, with married couples who've known each other a long time.

I've given up on love because I won't use online dating ever again. I will never invest myself with a man online, since I think that's false investment. You're essentially investing in the fantasy they create with you. Exchanging messages back and forth does not a real relationship make. It means you're just pen pals. That's all it means to me. And, I had pen pals growing up who lived in other countries, but we never got a chance to meet in person.

Stupid online dating has altered the way people interact with each other at bars, at Meetups, etc. and that drives me crazy! It's very likely a lack of good men/good women left to date...or, everyone is so glued to their cellphones, they could care less about interacting in person with each other anymore. Everything is "text me" "email me" but never "call me" anymore. I think I'm the only person I know, who STILL loves to talk on the phone. I hate texting and instant messaging and emailing where dating and romance is concerned. Words on a screen are meaningless to me, b/c they aren't spoken to me, face-to-face. Online dating is just...yuck...to me.

I didn't even try in college because I presumed I would have my entire life. But I was so wrong.

I now work with some millennials. They are accomplished, rich, thin, good looking and they are already complaining about not being able to find a guy. Makes me feel a little better. I have advised them not to go on online dating but they are having a tough time finding alternatives. Most of them spent their college and post college years getting degrees.

I think about 1/3rd of the population of men are taken early with marriage; 1/3rd are hiding out in some way or just not in the dating game and 1/3rd are "dogs" that are about their pleasure for the moment. In past years they had to get married to get what they wanted. But they don't anymore and the online dating world insures they have an abundant way to meet marks for as long as they wish.

I think honestly most men want to be in the driver's seat. They want women to be dependent on them or to "need" them in some way. Once you get equal to them, they don't really want you because you can drop them anytime. When they tell a bull story you will be there to say "that isn't true". They want to give you advice and have you lap it up. When you don't need their advice, guidance or anything else is when you become less attractive to them.

I agree. I do think you need to take some time to build your self esteem. There is so much to be said for liking and valuing yourself, knowing your strengths, etc. I also wonder, like Sandman said, if its the quality of men you are dating. I'm willing to guess there are other gay men out there not just wanting to have sex, and wanting what you want. A relationship. Take some time to work on yourself.

I also want to acknowledge what you said about sex and gay men being like shaking hands. I have a gay male friend, and he told me this is true. He is in a relationship now, but he said for gay men, the dating world is different. He has had many sex partners. He also mentioned though, that it was a phase. Like he did it for a while, but he has a partner now. Yeah, look for the guys who are more serious, and work on how you feel about yourself. With time, that can be changed.