The dating world makes me want to roll in glass

I’m so old I used to use personal ads in the newspaper! Remember the Pina Colada Song?

I met my husband at a bar during happy hour.

There was a certain energy I’d have about me when I was single and ‘looking’. Maybe it was an approachability and men picked up on it. Yes, I was young and fairly attractive, but a good number of men noticed and took interest in me when I came into contact with them around town. I was warm and friendly and showed them I found them interesting.

I can see how every Mr. Wrong is looking for a booty call at turbo speed online. Hopefully, you can weed them out and find Mr. Right soon.

May I ask which dating apps you are using? The only one I used was Match and I had no problems. Though I am currently in a long-term relationship with a man I met offline. I didn't experience any **** pics or anything like that on Match. It's also really helpful to learn how to screen online before you meet anyone. Profile pics with sunglasses, shirt off, a lot of posing, pics with groups of sexy women etc....just skips those profiles entirely.

I know from what friends have told me that some apps are designed as casual sex apps. Nothing wrong with that if that's what both parties want. But you sound like you want a relationship, do I have that right? Have you tried Match.com? I had a friend who liked EHarmony. But heads up, based on when I tried it a long time ago, that site favors Christians and excludes gay folks and separated people so that one only works for certain people.

There are lots of reasons why people are unsuccessful in the dating world....it doesn't mean something is wrong with the person or that the dating world is toxic. When you say:
"I keep thinking that maybe if I was a little funnier, more attractive, more intelligent, or had a better job, then they would see me as worthy of their affection, but as it is it's making me feel worthless. "

Is the dating scene actually making you feel worthless or do you already feel worthless and become disappointed that the dating scene is not making you feel valued? Your worth is not created or altered by the people around you. It is intrinsic. A wonderful woman can meet a very unkind or disrespectful man and she is still a wonderful woman. The key is that she herself has to first believe in her own worth. If she looks to men to create that feeling for her, it is not the path to peace. It sounds like that may be happening with you though please correct me if I misunderstood. No judgment here. That's a very human struggle. I would recommend addressing that piece...see what changes when you go on dates after already establishing your own self-appreciation.

There are also MeetUp groups. A way to have fun and meet new men and women without the pressure of dating. Maybe worth a look?

Should you abort your mission? NO WAY! if you want a loving partner in your life, then that is a dream you should not drop. You might just need to try some different approaches and do some more introspection first. Nothing wrong with that.

Hold fast to dreams
For if dreams die
Life is a broken-winged bird
That cannot fly.

Hold fast to dreams
For when dreams go
Life is a barren field
Frozen with snow.

- Langston Hughes

I wish you peace, hope, and a bright future. You deserve it!

Ha ha I remember the personal ads! Oh those were the days! Remember Craigslist ads where you'd mention someone you saw in person, hoping they'd read that section and find each other again.

My sister met her husband in a bar; she gave him a fake name at first but then he won over her trust by the end of the night, when he prepaid for a cab to take my sister and her friends back to their house (he didn't go with them, he went home to his own house). Then a few months later, he went on a family trip with us, and I like to take credit for convincing my sister to marry her husband while on the trip.

Hopefully the OP will slow things down with the men she meets online -- if she continues to date online. Or slow things down with men she decides to meet from other clubs offline. I think in general, the consensus here is to take your time, slow down, and take sex off the table and get to know the man before things really get physical, as the Olivia Newton John's song goes.

For a good laugh, watch this video montage of dating video profiles from the 1980s. YouTube

Thanks for the responses. I'm curious to know if any of you would change your opinion about me postponing sex if I told you that I am also a man. For gay people, sex on the first date is basically like shaking hands. I am going to take your opinions into consideration though and play a little harder to get. Thanks again.

Oh I am sorry Night Whistle. I assumed you were a woman. I don't know why. It makes sense that the gay community has its own set of rules. All groups are different. I am a straight woman and based on what you and gay friends have shared, I'm sorry that I don't have too much to offer.

Just one thing to add, I had a male gay friend who told me that he was offended when he went out with men and they assumed that he wanted to have **** sex right away. I don't know if that helps you at all. Just wanted to share some truth.

There must be some other men on PC who can help. If in doubt, head over to the sex forum. Good luck

No you're right, some of us give out our "love" more freely than others. I'm also not very clear with them about what I want. I don't go in saying "I'm looking for a longterm relationship" because 1) that's gonna scare them off and 2) I also don't know if that's what I want with this particular guy. I think a relationship should develop organically over time.

Your post has the best title.

I wonder if the dating app culture is more about hookups than long term relationships at this point. It's possible that other people out there looking for long term relationships are not using those dating tools because they just got burnt out, the same way you're feeling. I wonder if something like Meetup would be a better way to meet people? Or what if you *did* say that you are dating in order to find a long term relationship to weed out people who only want a hookup? You'd only be scaring off people who don't have the same long term goals.

Honestly I've been single a year. I'm a professional in the medical field and have many single male friends on dating apps. I found found a nice single woman (RN) and started her about 10 months ago.
We had sex after 6 weeks of dating, but that's about as long as I was willing to wait on her. Things are going very well now for us. I would not spend ten mins on a dating app.

Your gender makes no difference to my advice. If you are looking for a meaningful, long-term relationship, and sleeping with them too soon leave you with not getting a phone call again, then hold out until there is more than sex.

Hey TheNightWhistle,

My advice about postponing sex still stands. There's a great article in GQ online about your conundrum, "Not Every Gay Man Is DTF." Because it's true, isn't it? You're battling with perceived stereotypes about gay men, in addition to the social pressures and expectations of being a gay man -- to have sex casually with every guy you meet.

Go against the grain and just date without sex on the table. Sure, that will totally feel awkward and even uncomfortable for you. BUT, the upside is, it takes the pressure and expectations OFF you to just enjoy the other guy's company. And if he runs away b/c you won't get DTF within minutes of meeting each other, well, wave goodbye to the guy.

Classy guys -- even the gay ones -- have standards and will wait for the right guy.

So, relax, don't do it, when you wanna go to it. When you want to ----, as our friend Frankie Goes to Hollywood sings. Don't listen to me. Listen to Frankie!

If it is the common custom for sex on the first date, it makes it harder for you to stand up for your values. But you are not a piece of meat! Who made the rules that you are obligated to have sex because someone takes you out for a lamb chop? Someone who also wants a meaningful relationship will find your values refreshing.

All I know is I have heard WAY too many real life horror stories about online dating. It would not be for me.

@Have Hope...I sure YOU are a very nice person. But, dating sites are rife with those who are not. I could tell stories about it by seeing others and their fiascoes.

I would hesitate to over simplify and say that if someone uses a dating app that there is something wrong with them. There is quite a broad variety of dating apps and with it being online a variety of types of people that use them. Some of them are pretty much for hooking up with others and others are more tailored to finding lifelong relationships.

I will agree that in many cases its not ideal as the sole method for finding dates and agree with some of the points you make about being able to sell anything online. While that's true, one needs to be careful with how they approach people and take security very seriously, not believing everyone is what they say they are, but those things considered, I think it can help people to find the right person, just not, in every case.

@TheNightWhistle: you said that the guys that you get intimate too soon "hit it and quit it" and those that you don't let that happen get bored and leave anyway. Seems to me that it's the quality of men you are meeting. Likely the ones that didn't 'get it" from you and left would have been in the same category as the first that would just be gone afterword anyway. Find better men, and take your time actually getting to know them first. Sex will never be a good basis for a lasting relationship.

Here are two examples of people close tome who have been the liars. A female friend told men that she was "voluptuous in a Kate Winslet" sort of way. The woman weighs 300 lbs. I asked her outright if it bothered her that she was going to look like a fool when or if she met anyone. I have nothing against overweight people and never have, I am currently overweight myself and have battled the spare tire all my life. I have dated fat guys. It's no big deal. But don't lie about it. Sure enough... it didn't not workout for her. Now for our ex-room mate. After his 2nd divorce, which left him penniless for a long time, he decided that he was going to, ummmm.....make up for lost time, so to speak. Now this is a close friend of ours. A GOOD one. but here goes. He went on a "lie journey" of epic proportions. He would have several women going at the same time...citing work as the reason why he could not be with them at certain times. What blew it was when one certain woman found out where he was living and came to my house and started questioning ME about who I was. Long story short, THAT did NOT go over well, I am extremely territorial and when you are on my turf, you don't come demanding anything from me. Mind you I had NO idea he was doing this at the time. He had one girl he was officially seeing, and she had been a co-worker of ours years before. She was very busy with her grandchild so she did not want a 24/7 relationship. Understandable. So, his little BS fest caused trouble for people not even involved. Lots of people got hurt. But this is not an isolated incident. One of my girlhood friends met a guy online years ago and went out to see him at his request. He was all excited about seeing her, blah, blah,blah. Well, she flew to see him and when she got there he acted like he did not even know her. His room mates had to take her back to the airport, etc. So, that is my stance on it.

I am sorry in that I did not know you were a gay male. However, I suppose that the same may ring true for gay males as well. Perhaps you might try not having sex right away with other males and let them know that you want to see how you get along first before you just begin getting physical with them.

I think that this comes down to a deeper issue I have. I think that I'm worried that if I don't put out, then I won't be interesting enough for the guy to keep around. I don't think I'm charming, funny or cool enough to fall in love with, so I just have sex as a way to make sure that they have a good time with me. Maybe I need to learn how to love myself before somebody else can love me.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Medusax Ok. I am going to give my honest opinion here. I KNOW that you of the younger generation basically live online, and I realize that perhaps online dating is a quicker way to meet people, and also it broadens your "field" a bit. However... I grew up with no such things. We all did. We all met people and dated. You dated people you knew or met through people who knew them, and could tell you about them, at least basically. Online, you can basically be anyone, and sell anyone on anything. I know a guy around here who brags online to be a big cowboy, that has used a Youtube video, saying that it is HIM riding a bull. My attitude about online dating is, if you have to use it, there is something wrong with you. You have exhausted your opportunities locally and need to reach for those who don't know you or know anything about you. Just my opinion.

I feel like this is really unkind. Technology is here-like it or not. The world has changed. I too met my husband the old fashioned way and it was love at first sight and we are married 23 years. If I hadnt met him and was still single I guarantee I would have used online dating. It may not be perfect and sure people can lie but so can people in real life. (ever seen Dirty John?) I think it can be a way to cut through some of the pick-up BS at bars- and for someone like me who cant drink- I wouldnt be at a bar anyway. Some people do not want to complicate their work lives by dating coworkers which is understandable. My mom met someone who was very much in love with her through eharmony. It didnt work out because she just wasnt feeling it but it worked while it did. I think that its natural for humans to want the love and comfort of another human and if online dating helps mitigate that then its a good thing. The other thing I thought of.... I am not gay and not an expert but nearly all of my gay friends have met their partners with online dating. They all tried the conventional way with bars and hobbies but they couldnt seem to find the right person. With online dating they have told me that they were able to find people that had common goals. In fact my BFF is getting married to his partner in July and he thought he would be single forever.

You are right that online dating isnt for everyone but its really really unkind to say that something is wrong with someone because they use it.

EDITED TO ADD: I wanted to say that there is also nothing wrong with doing the real life meet-ups. I am 44 and met my husband that way. I do not think there is a right or wrong way about meeting people and its very much influenced by your experiences. I do not know if my mom (who is 66) will use online dating again because she was a bit hurt after the last guy and like Blanche said it was the worst 5 years of her life and I just want to validate that. My main issue was saying that there was something wrong with a person for using online dating.

Now you’ve touched on two different issues. The first is putting out too soon. The second is self doubt. You do want someone in your life who loves you and who you love and have every right to that.

Maybe it will help to take inventory of your self. Make a list of all the qualities you have and of all the qualities you want in a mate.