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Old 04-20-2019, 04:58 PM #51
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Yes, divine1966 that's correct. So many bad marriages b/c the wife or husband allows themselves to be abused and they won't self-advocate to leave the marriage due to fear of the unknown, no matter who knows or warns them. It is very unfortunate that many people choose to "settle" with an abusive spouse, rather than be single and work on themselves. This is the only life we've got, and every day is a new day to start over and try again. Maybe I'll never recover from my childhood abuse despite the therapy and you know what, if that means I"ll be single for the rest of my life, I'm ok with that. I'd rather be safe than "settle" into an abusive relationship with a man because I value myself more than being tied to a man who is going to verbally abuse me.
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Old 04-20-2019, 05:06 PM #52
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Originally Posted by StreetcarBlanche View Post
People of every age can find themselves in a relationship with a toxic partner. There is no age limit to dysfunctional relationships. I know married couples who were married for more than 25 years to a toxic partner. My aunt, for one. My uncle was an alcoholic until he died from brain cancer at 70. They had a very toxic marriage and raised children together but never divorced. Another married (now divorced) couple I know, is my cousin. He was in his 30s when he married his first wife, who was severely mentally ill and caused him a lot of problems so he divorced her. So you see, like divine1966 said, it's never too late to learn these things.

Only you can control who you date and marry. Only you. Stop blaming the toxic partners for your choices (sounds harsh but not meant to). You choose these toxic men to date, and you tie your self value, self worth, and self esteem to their mistreatment of you because you haven't addressed your childhood abandonment issues with your alcoholic father. You'll repeat that dysfunctional relationship pattern until you repair it. I still haven't repaired my dysfunctional triggers with men, b/c my dad died more than 20 years ago and he was very emotionally with-holding, neglectful, shaming, blaming, dismissive, he marginalized my feelings and never treated me with respect. Guess which types of men I date. Those same types! I haven't dated anyone in ten years and I've done a ton of therapy, but still need to address my triggers b/c as a result I became a codependent woman with weak interpersonal boundaries when I get around emotional abusive narcissistic men. I avoid men who smoke, drink, or do drugs but the ones who are narcissists, who emotionally abuse are insidious b/c they appear normal on the outside. It's not until I spend time with them, can I see their emotional abuse red flags.

So, you have to decide when you are going to start your journey towards self-healing and self-discovery. Until you do that, you'll continue to boomerang around dysfunctional men like this last guy you dated, and continue to let them define you which is wrong. Time to take the reigns back to your life and do the work you need to do, so that you can avoid these types of men and attract and be attracted to healthy men. It wont' be easy and it may take a while. I'm going on ten years of still being triggered but I have yet to let myself get fully involved with another narcissist.
My father was not just an alcoholic but narcissistic. I suppose I date these men because I think this is the normal way of treating women and I witnessed my dad doing it to my mom. Humiliating, shaming, blaming, etc. I canít blame my ex because I chose to be with him..I chose to stay with him and ignored every red flag. There was not just a couple but quite a few. Biggest being every time I stood up for myself he would threaten to break up. I should have ended it walked away the first time but no..
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Old 04-20-2019, 05:08 PM #53
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I also know people who spent their entire life in a bad and toxic marriage. Some people are routinely treated like crap so itís a new normal. So they have never learned. And some women stay in bad marriages because they depend on a man and donít want to be self supportive. Unfortunately many people will choose to spend their lives like this.

So itís never too late to learn healthier ways .
Not how I want to spend my life..sick of being anxious, unhappy etc..Iím done kissing frogs! 🐸
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Old 04-20-2019, 05:13 PM #54
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Yes, divine1966 that's correct. So many bad marriages b/c the wife or husband allows themselves to be abused and they won't self-advocate to leave the marriage due to fear of the unknown, no matter who knows or warns them. It is very unfortunate that many people choose to "settle" with an abusive spouse, rather than be single and work on themselves. This is the only life we've got, and every day is a new day to start over and try again. Maybe I'll never recover from my childhood abuse despite the therapy and you know what, if that means I"ll be single for the rest of my life, I'm ok with that. I'd rather be safe than "settle" into an abusive relationship with a man because I value myself more than being tied to a man who is going to verbally abuse me.
I think I was so afraid of being single so I continued the charade..I wouldnít mind dating at some point, but I want to be able to spot a red flag and just say NO! and walk away..no excuses. My therapist told me this..and Iím supposed to be reading this book.

I realized the reason I panicked last night when he kicked me out was due to my abandonment issue also..a healthy person would be like ok! And cut ties. Because you arenít going to disrespect me like that and think Iím going to ever step foot in your house again much less ever see me again. First time you are disrespected game over
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Old 04-20-2019, 05:23 PM #55
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Don't be afraid to be single. There's a ton of positives to being single. The biggest positive, is that you get to know yourself really well and you strengthen your core identity this way. Does that make sense? You can do whatever you want to do, whenever you want to do it. You don't owe anyone an explanation for your choices. It's so difficult to find a partner who will accept us for who we are. Settling is not an option, nor should it be. Why waste your life settling, you know? It's just not worth it. Not if you put it in the big picture.
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Old 04-20-2019, 05:26 PM #56
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I absolutely canít settle..I deserve to be loved the way I want to be loved..not these breadcrumbs and cruel remarks..whatís the point?
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Old 04-20-2019, 05:28 PM #57
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You learned to accept emotional abandonment Gymgirl, that is what this guy did to you and probably your ex as well. Growing up with an alcoholic/narcissist a child doesn't even understand what emotional abandonment means. It can become their normal, even what they think men are supposed to be like. So, with that it can actually be easy to miss important red flags "unknowingly". Often what growing up in that kind of dysfunction can present is a deep desire to finally overcome and win with that kind of toxic. Well, it's simply not a game you can ever win, especially if the individual is a narcissist. They simply don't CARE like you do, and when someone doesn't CARE, they are simply not interested in changing.
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Old 04-20-2019, 05:30 PM #58
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Yes, breadcrumbs are from the toaster and shouldn't be accepted from men. Yuck. Glad you realize you don't need to settle. That is the first step. You're very intuitive so you already are halfway there. And you already value yourself, so that's even better. Now, it's just a matter of getting your hands on as much material as possible about narcissism, codependency, verbal abuse patterns and learning to recognize them in others, especially men and you'll suddenly find yourself turning down guys based on the way they respond to you when you speak to them.
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Old 04-20-2019, 05:49 PM #59
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You learned to accept emotional abandonment Gymgirl, that is what this guy did to you and probably your ex as well. Growing up with an alcoholic/narcissist a child doesn't even understand what emotional abandonment means. It can become their normal, even what they think men are supposed to be like. So, with that it can actually be easy to miss important red flags "unknowingly". Often what growing up in that kind of dysfunction can present is a deep desire to finally overcome and win with that kind of toxic. Well, it's simply not a game you can ever win, especially if the individual is a narcissist. They simply don't CARE like you do, and when someone doesn't CARE, they are simply not interested in changing.
Well they just arenít capable of healthy relationships. No matter how much they claim they do, itís not possible
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Old 04-20-2019, 05:55 PM #60
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I learned when I kept getting into unhealthy relationships that I wasnít healthy myself at different stages of life. My advice is to get healthy and strong on your own first and through therapy before you consider dating again.
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