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Default Apr 10, 2019 at 12:04 AM
  #1
I've been in abusive relationships before, and I've had people that are only friends with me because there's something in it for them. These things can be that I babysit their dog, provide them with cigarettes and alcohol, just someone to listen to them talk and give them attention, or they just wanna get in my pants. My lonely and delusional mind always ignores these things because I don't want to face the fact that people don't really love or care about me.

So my question is, what are some of the signs in communication that prove that a relationship with someone is genuine, and that they honestly care about you?

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Default Apr 10, 2019 at 12:07 AM
  #2
For me actions often spend louder than words, and if someone does something to help me without expecting anything in return they are a true friend.
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Default Apr 10, 2019 at 09:57 AM
  #3
Recently a promising friend turned out to be a manipulative and controlling bully to his sister, niece and nephew and I came close to having another abusive relationship until I dumped him fast.

But then his sister became someone I could really count on. Her children's comments were testament to their mother's love and committment, not just to them but to others who were in need of help.

Being practical she looked after me with such care and devotion that I was near tears with gratitude. And she kept constant in her taking care of me every day and every night right up to the present. We are now a couple and our children happy.

In the trust of sharing, it means opening up, except that action causes us to become vulnerable. If this fear can be overcome, then friendship could last a lifetime. It's a risk, of course, but I'm game. My daughter and I cannot be lonely forever, so we took the chance to reach out.

I am reminded by the French poet Guillaume Apollinaire who wrote:

“Come to the edge," he said.
"We can't, we're afraid!" they responded. "Come to the edge," he said.
"We can't, We will fall!" they responded.
"Come to the edge," he said.
And so they came.
And he pushed them.
And they flew.”

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Default Apr 10, 2019 at 11:42 AM
  #4
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Originally Posted by TheNightWhistle View Post
I've been in abusive relationships before, and I've had people that are only friends with me because there's something in it for them. These things can be that I babysit their dog, provide them with cigarettes and alcohol, just someone to listen to them talk and give them attention, or they just wanna get in my pants. My lonely and delusional mind always ignores these things because I don't want to face the fact that people don't really love or care about me.

So my question is, what are some of the signs in communication that prove that a relationship with someone is genuine, and that they honestly care about you?

it's really a lot of things and not something that has a simple answer to. I mean there are a lot of aspects of a relationship that will show you these things and they vary for each relationship and individual.

I think deep down inside you know the answers. Just look at what you've described and you know right there that these are the things people do that are selfish and are out to further their own ends not yours. So if you stop and ask yourself what the opposite of this is... you have the answers.

Those that are your friends not due to what you can give them, those that think of your needs and desires, those that allow you to get to know them on a deeper level than just services you offer and such but for you, to know you and to open themselves up to you without conditions.

There's a lot more that can be said about it but your answers will start with you asking the right questions - and analyzing what you do know, that is what NOT to look for in a friend.
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Default Apr 10, 2019 at 02:58 PM
  #5
Being an active listener. Not having expectations without telling me what they are lest they go unmet. Thinking of others, positivity, ability to be vulnerable..

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Default Apr 10, 2019 at 03:20 PM
  #6
Hello TheNightWhistle,

what a wonderful thread and important question. I am sorry you have experienced abuse. it was not your fault. You deserve peace and safe love.
Your thread topic is something I have been thinking of in my own life. I believe the secret is reciprocity. If you give and share and others around you only take, then you lack reciprocity. Now, I'm not going to label them bad or unfeeling for that....there are all sorts of reasons why people behave as they do. But the lack of reciprocity, in my opinion, is a clear signal that you care more about them than they do about you. That is NOT a reflection of your worth. You are an intrinsically valuable person no matter what. But it is a reflection of others and their ability to relate to you in healthy ways.

I'll share part of my own sad truth here. In the last 18 months, I have endured two major life traumas including the death of a parent. I was shocked to find that my "friends" were dismissive or superficial at best in their responses. These are people I've been "friends" with for years. I have supported them and helped them through various struggles. Then when I needed comfort, they disappeared. "Fair weather friends" I suppose. When my birthday was approaching, they were all willing to celebrate with me and yet did not care that my father died or that I endured another huge and unexpected trauma a year later. They were suddenly silent and stopped contacting me. I certainly did not expect them to be my counselors but I thought they'd care enough at least to give me a call or ask how I was or want to go out for dinner or coffee and share a few laughs etc. I was wrong. I had been giving and giving and did not pay attention to the lack of reciprocity.

Hopeless?? No way! There's always hope! I'll focus on self-analysis a while and then start over with new friendships and a new approach. As I said, reciprocity is key. That is what I lacked even though I helped my friends with their traumas.

I sincerely hope that you find the genuine love you seek. Until then, know that I care

Last edited by Anonymous44076; Apr 10, 2019 at 03:33 PM..
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Default Apr 10, 2019 at 04:28 PM
  #7
listening
offering to do things I want to do
genuinely asking me how my day went, how I am doing
putting me first
the old tradition gentelmenly things are nice; opening doors for example
doing things like chores and cooking as a way of sharing the load and not expecting me to do these things
asking how they can help
offering to include me if given social invitations (and not attending them if they clearly make me uncomfortable)
never making me second fiddle; never canceling our own plans to do something else
little terms of endearment
.... I could keep going here...
and, of course, telling me I am beautiful and he loves me every day.
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Default Apr 11, 2019 at 06:21 PM
  #8
By paying attention to patterns. That's the only way to determine if a person cares about you or not.

By patterns, I mean; how do they respond to you when different kinds of situations arise? Do they support you? Or, do they invalidate you? Are your friendships and romantic relationships transactional in that you and the other person mutually support each other? Or, are your interpersonal relationships all one-sided; you do something for someone else, hoping that will make them like you and want to help you out in return?

If you have any one-sided interpersonal relationships, get rid of those as they are not good for you. If you have transactional interpersonal relationships -- where you and the other person involved mutually support and respect each other, those are the relationships that you wang to hang on to and nurture.
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Default Apr 12, 2019 at 12:57 AM
  #9
I don’t know
I used to think I had some idea
Some value
But the abusers were all right
I have no value
I’m sorry about the negative post,

PS I would delete this but maybe there is a tiny one in a million chance it might help someone

I was wrong about so many irl they all turned into abusers apart from one

I think body language in real life? But I was wrong ... parental units set me up to

“Fail”

Online it’s harder

One of my best friends online said don’t trust anyone until you’ve known them for 4 years

Sorry about this useless post.

Hugs to you

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Default Apr 14, 2019 at 10:57 PM
  #10
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Originally Posted by Fuzzybear View Post
I don’t know
I used to think I had some idea
Some value
But the abusers were all right
I have no value
I’m sorry about the negative post, :
You do have value. You were put on this earth for a reason!

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Default Apr 15, 2019 at 10:09 AM
  #11
BUILD TRUST.
I agree that it's hard to know. I just feel whether someone makes an effort to build trust one brick at a time. Starts by them being reliable, contributing enjoyment of sharing basic life things. Them acknowledging when I offer kindness.
HONESTY
I don't want to know a person's entire life history the first time we meet, but people who are honest when asked what they would prefer. People who ask for small things that they need them but who can respect a genuine "yes" or "no" in return.
GOODWILL
People who can say "I'm mad at you, but all in all you're a good 'un.
JOY
Purposely doing things that nurture joy in a friendship is important to me.

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Default Apr 15, 2019 at 11:02 AM
  #12
I don't think it's easy to know immediately. I agree with time. I agree with actions speaking louder than words. Don't whisper sweet nothings without backing it up with some consistency in patterns. I agree with reciprocal relationships being a determining factor. I totally agree with the active listening point. It over time displays down the road about being heard and understood-two of my high on the list needs in any relationship. Sometimes a person can be aloof and obtuse but then display knowing your values and likes and dislikes in time through 'action'.

But I think the most important thing is having the wherewithal to be content with yourself to the point if surrounded by but nothing but a pack of thieves, that you can stand still amidst the storm and ride it out until better times.
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Default Apr 15, 2019 at 01:02 PM
  #13
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Originally Posted by healingme4me View Post
I don't think it's easy to know immediately. I agree with time. I agree with actions speaking louder than words. Don't whisper sweet nothings without backing it up with some consistency in patterns. I agree with reciprocal relationships being a determining factor. I totally agree with the active listening point. It over time displays down the road about being heard and understood-two of my high on the list needs in any relationship. Sometimes a person can be aloof and obtuse but then display knowing your values and likes and dislikes in time through 'action'.

But I think the most important thing is having the wherewithal to be content with yourself to the point if surrounded by but nothing but a pack of thieves, that you can stand still amidst the storm and ride it out until better times.
Ah! yes!

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Default Apr 20, 2019 at 02:32 AM
  #14
You've all made some really great points. After reading them, that confirms that I don't have many genuine relationships I do have a couple of very good friendships, so it's not completely hopeless for me but it makes me sad to realize that people have been using me for most of my life. A worse realization is that all of these people thought that I was pathetic enough to take advantage of.

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Default Apr 20, 2019 at 03:37 PM
  #15
I don't know how to respond to this enormous piece of self degragation. I mean even packs of wolves individually aren't cunning enough to do what you're describing. Sure humans have a tendancy to feed a need in some way shape or form but I find it hard to believe that even in packs of thieves there isn't some piece that is genuine.
Maybe you've just grown and acknowleding that this crowd isn't for you doesn't make it all about them predating on you.
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Default Apr 21, 2019 at 04:00 AM
  #16
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So my question is, what are some of the signs in communication that prove that a relationship with someone is genuine, and that they honestly care about you?
People who want to hang out with you for the sake of hanging out. People who enjoy being in your presence and like you for who you are, rather than for what you can give them.

Someone used to invite me to "hang out" with her and whenever I get there, she would ask me for favors or seek my help.

I can only remember one time that we actually hung out and really just hung out (she actually asked to hang out longer that day but I said "gotta go" and left. Had I stayed longer, she probably would have asked for favors).
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Default Apr 21, 2019 at 04:34 AM
  #17
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Originally Posted by TheNightWhistle View Post
You've all made some really great points. After reading them, that confirms that I don't have many genuine relationships I do have a couple of very good friendships, so it's not completely hopeless for me but it makes me sad to realize that people have been using me for most of my life. A worse realization is that all of these people thought that I was pathetic enough to take advantage of.
They can’t take advantage of you, if you don’t let them. You may be too accommodating, so people start to ask more of you, then you feel used. It’s about boundaries.

There are people I’ve met who are just nervy and others who aren’t. Are you enabling the nervy people?

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Default Apr 21, 2019 at 11:12 AM
  #18
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Originally Posted by TheNightWhistle View Post
You've all made some really great points. After reading them, that confirms that I don't have many genuine relationships I do have a couple of very good friendships, so it's not completely hopeless for me but it makes me sad to realize that people have been using me for most of my life. A worse realization is that all of these people thought that I was pathetic enough to take advantage of.
Introspection and reflection are a necessary part of our lives, when we need to take time to figure out what's working and not working in our lives.

It's good that after you took stock of your relationships, you've concluded that you have a couple of very good friendships. As for the rest of the one-sided friendships you experienced, let it go. Did you learn anything about yourself from those negative experiences?

Being a codependent, I had a ton of one-sided friendships because I grew up with the dysfunctional belief from toxic parents, that the only way to get people to like me, was to do things for them. Now, I'm nearly 50, and after lots of therapy, realize that belief I held really hurt me and caused me to pursue one-sided friendships, where people took advantage of my codependent personality and need to please, for their benefit.

I don't know if you're codependent but you may want to explore what your system of values or core beliefs are with a therapist, to determine why you find yourself in one-sided friendships with people. Once you figure out the reasons why you allow that to happen you can take the steps needed to stop that pattern with your interpersonal relationships. It's all about the pattern. The universe is made up of patterns, so it's figuring out which patterns benefit you, and which ones don't benefit you. Does that make sense?
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Default Apr 21, 2019 at 01:47 PM
  #19
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Originally Posted by Fuzzybear View Post
I don’t know

I used to think I had some idea

Some value

But the abusers were all right

I have no value

I’m sorry about the negative post,


PS I would delete this but maybe there is a tiny one in a million chance it might help someone


I was wrong about so many irl they all turned into abusers apart from one


I think body language in real life? But I was wrong ... parental units set me up to


“Fail”


Online it’s harder


One of my best friends online said don’t trust anyone until you’ve known them for 4 years


Sorry about this useless post.


Hugs to you


The four years things actually makes sense. Last year I realized two people I thought were good friends actually weren’t. That was after four years of being what I thought was good friends and I had trusted them with too much information. I think your online friend is right.
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Default Apr 21, 2019 at 11:04 PM
  #20
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Originally Posted by StreetcarBlanche View Post
Introspection and reflection are a necessary part of our lives, when we need to take time to figure out what's working and not working in our lives.

I don't know if you're codependent but you may want to explore what your system of values or core beliefs are with a therapist, to determine why you find yourself in one-sided friendships with people. Once you figure out the reasons why you allow that to happen you can take the steps needed to stop that pattern with your interpersonal relationships. It's all about the pattern. The universe is made up of patterns, so it's figuring out which patterns benefit you, and which ones don't benefit you. Does that make sense?
Thank you for the very insightful advice. The whole basis of therapy is identifying patterns in our lives that make it the way it is, and then changing them right? I don't think i'm codependent but other peoples' opinions can really affect me, if they're from somebody I care about. I'm easily persuaded by people into doing things because I worry that if I say no, I'll be killing the mood or something. I have to work on saying no and sounding like I mean it.

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