[pdxrose]

Hello, all-

Right off the bat I would like to say that I have abandonment issues and anxious attachment issues from childhood. My anxiety is triggered by romanic relationships. I experience anxiety with men that I am particularly interested in; it does not occur in all dating situations (ie I don't get anxious before a date or on all dates).

My anxiety is present throughout the length of the relationship but is much worse in the beginning, when nothing is set in stone. I realize part of this because there is uncertainty and I can't control the situation.

I have been seeing a guy for about a week (yes, yes, I know this is a super short amount of time). The relationship started mainly via texting and there were a lot of things he said as far as how interested he was, that he hoped we got along in person because he liked me so much when talking, etc. We met up last Friday and got along really well. We had plans to meet again Saturday night but only had a very narrow window, was we both had things going on. He also said that starting Saturday night through the end of the week, he wouldn't be able to talk to me much because he had friends in town (I do not think he's lying).

Saturday morning, he canceled our small date because his friends were coming in early (again, that's ok). He said we were still on for Friday. We have sent a few texts here and there since, which SHOULD make me calm because the fact he can fit in a few texts is encouraging. Of course, as an anxious person and ALSO as a woman, I analyze the ever-living **** out of texts. Since they are shorter and there were no pet names, my brain automatically defaults to, 'oh, he must not like me anymore.'

I haven't heard from him in about 24 hours, despite sending a text (again I know super fully that he's busy). But I can't seem to shake the feeling that he's going to cancel again and I'll never see him again. This isn't unique to him, I feel like this pretty frequently.

ANYWAY... the meat of this is that I can't stop obsessing over the idea that he's going to let me down. I try to remind myself that he's not all the other past men who have done this to me. I need to relax and give him time and space, especially since it's not like we're a couple. I guess it's exacerbated by the fact that he talked about wanting a relationship potentially, etc. SO, my question is... does anyone else experience this kind of anxiety? If so, do you have any trips or tricks for how to deal with it? I know I mostly have to just wait it out and see if he gets a hold of me. I just feel like I'm being unfair to him and I also don't want to create a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Any insights/ideas? Thank you so much!

[divine1966]

So you only had one date? I absolutely wouldn’t call it dating or seeing him let alone being in a relationship! You went on one date. It could result in second date or might not. I’d continue seeing and talking to other people. I think the issue might be putting so much importance on one date.

Having just disentangled myself from a guy who is a chronic texter/Facebook message addict, I can see you're in the same situation as I was. So, here are my thoughts. I'm sorry you are feeling anxious.

Did you two meet on an online dating app?

He's already treating you like you are just an option if he gives you the excuse that he won't be able to contact you much for the week his friends are in town. Sorry, that's a lie. If he really likes you, it takes less than 3 seconds to text someone. You're just not a priority to him at this point. Don't believe him about being unavailable all week. When someone likes you, they prioritize you no matter what is going on in their life. No matter what.

He is not as interested in you anymore, if he's canceled a date on you already in this short time you've known each other.

He's not responding to your texts, so he's just not that interested in you it seems like.

I went through this recently with a real colossal ------- who pretty much treated me like an option from the get go, after I called him out on bombarding me with his online "love" bombing. My insight is that you met a guy online, you went out, and he's already giving you excuses and canceling dates on you and not responding timely to your texts anymore because he's probably not as interested in you anymore. I know that's probably not what you want to hear but based on my online dating experiences with men, especially men who act exactly like this guy you've described, tells me that you're just not a priority to him.

Men who like you don't warn you in advance that they'll be out of contact with you. That happened to me. Turns out, he was dating someone else and just didn't have the guts to tell me so he told me "Oh, I'm visiting family so I won't be online to chat with you. Clearly he forgot we had mutual friends online who showed me photos he posted on his FB page of the woman he met after meeting me, who he began dating while he was supposedly "out of town visiting family." He wasn't out of town. He was just lying to me.

Men who like you don't make excuses.

Men who like you don't cancel dates at the last minute unless they're dying or in a car accident or so sick they can't even get out of bed.

My advice? Forget this guy and go back to your online dating profiles, assuming that's where you two met? Try again. Dating is all about beating the odds.

[Have Hope]

You know, pdxrose, I used to be the same way with men, especially in the beginning, but usually through most of the relationship. Do I have any tips for you? The one tip I can give you is you have to force yourself, and I mean literally force yourself, to not text too much, to give him room to be with his friends and do his thing, and especially when it's SO early on, you have to give a LOT of extra room.

24 hours within the first week is not a long period of time to not be hearing from someone. He does have friends visiting. It would be very odd if you were immediately texting 24.7 every single day of the first week. That is a red flag. You want to give it room, give him room, and let him text you when he can, because he told you he has people vistiting. I always like to give people the benefit of the doubt until they do something that proves me wrong. You also have to not be clingy, or appear needy or anxious. So just think if you're tempted, ask yourself "does this text or message make me seem overly anxious?" Ask yourself that every single time.

That's the best advice I can give. I hope it helps!

[Bill3]

How well are you able to function in regular life when you experience anxiety over relationships?

[s4ndm4n2006]

to be honest there is some good advice here from more than one person.

First off, I agree with Divine in that it's only been one date therefore I wouldn't call it official yet and you may be taking things too seriously too quickly. He may in time be a person worth dating and seeing but just take this slowly and try to realize it's really not serious yet anyway so if you can, relax. It has potential as a relationship but there's not enough attachment, connection, information or anything yet to be sure.

As for Blanche's information, I would agree with her on some of what she said, to a point. While it's true that in many cases a guy (or gal in some cases) will go out of their way to message you and won't let anything get in the way of being available, I don't know if the idea that he's not interested is what's going on here. I wouldn't write it off just yet, that's for sure. You have to consider that this is a very very new connection and while it was said he probably doesn't like you, I say honestly maybe he just isn't vested in you just yet. I mean not everyone is entirely engrossed in someone else the instant they find they like someone, and to be honest if he was that into you already after a week and one date, I'd probably say stay away actually.

As for the idea that "Men who like you don't warn you in advance that they'll be out of contact with you." depends on the guy but at point blank I see this as him being very considerate. it says to me that he sees potential in a relationship with you too and is trying to do the right thing. I see this as a plus. Remember this is all considering the guy has known you a week. If it had been a long term relationship and this behavior was a big change from the norm, I'd say it was a warning sign but that' snot the case here.

I think just let it happen or not happen, consider the fact that this is new and and nothing is solid but you cannot change that. this is your biggest issue. something that is unsure is hard for you to accept and you want to know for sure right now but you can't. Thing is, those things that are ultimately worth investing in usually come with risks, including relationships.

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm so sorry you're going through all of this, pdxrose! I completely agree with what all the other great, kind, wise and wonderful posters have already wisely said better than I ever could! You've been given lots of great, kind, wise and wonderful advice and suggestions on this thread! I'd suggest to follow it as much as you can if you want to! Unfortunately I don't have a lot of advice to give to you! I'd suggest to just keep doing what you're doing and to give him space and time while he's with his friends! Just keep texting him and keep contacts with him! If he's starting to dedicate less and less time to write to you perhaps it IS true that he's starting to lose interests, but I'd suggest NOT to obsess over it! I also COMPLETELY agree with what divine1966 has already wisely said better than I ever could about trying out other dates if you can and want! That way you won't have to focus too much on only ONE person and it will hurt a bit less if things don't go as planned or as you've imagined it or too well for both of you although I understand that it may be a little bit too overwhelming for you to date too many people at the same time! I'd still suggest to give it a try though if you can and want! I also COMPLETELY agree with what Have Hope has already wisely said better than I ever could about just giving him some space and time like you're already WONDERFULLY doing! I believe that's the best thing you can do! You WILL find out with patience and time whether or not he's the right man for you and whether or not he's TRULY interested in you! However it goes and whathever YOU DECIDE TO DO I'm STRONGLY SURE that you WILL be able to find someone that will TRULY love you for who you TRULY are and you WILL be able to find the right person for you! Just give it some time! I'd suggest to just focus on yourself right now! That may be a GOOD way to distract yourself and to not think about him too much!! Do you see a therapist? Maybe that could help! You could learn new ways to cope with your feelings you haven't already of course! Please DO consider it if you're not seeing one ALREADY, ok? Just remember to take ALL the time you need! Just remember to take things ONE STEP AT THE TIME! Just remember to take BABY STEPS! Just remember that there's NO NEED TO HURRY! Just remember ALL OF THIS and ALL OF what I've just mentioned and YOU'LL DO GREAT! I PROMISE YOU THAT! You're a STRONG, WONDERFUL PERSON! PLEASE REMEMBER THAT! Remember that we're here for you if you need it! Feel free to PM me anytime! Let me know if there's ANYTHING, ANYTHING AT ALL that WE can do to HELP YOU OUT with ALL of this! Just LET US KNOW and just MENTION IT and we'll do EVERYTHING WE POSSIBLY CAN to HELP YOU OUT and we'll DO OUR BEST to HELP YOU OUT! I PROMISE YOU THAT! PLEASE REMEMBER THAT! WISH YOU GOOD LUCK! Let us know how it goes and PLEASE keep us updated as much as you possibly CAN! We DO want to know how things will go for you and we ALL want to know if things will get better for you ONE WAY OR ANOTHER! We ALL hope things will turn out GREAT for you and for him ONE WAY OR ANOTHER! I PROMISE YOU THAT! PLEASE REMEMBER ALL OF THIS AS MUCH AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN! I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this, pdxrose!!!!!