[SarahSweden]

I have never longed for or wanted children but I can though feel sad when I hear about others who have a family and how they plan to do things during holidays.


In a way I wish I had felt I wanted children and be "like everyone else" but this hasn´t been the case.

To me it feels like having children is what constitutes a "normal" life and how it should be to "qualify" as a well-functioning adult. I never judge others who haven´t got children but not wanting kids and spending holidays on my own still makes me feel a bit of an outcast.

Does anyone else feel this way?

[Sometimes psychotic]

Find someone else to spend the holidays with either a friend group or a mate, you probably will feel a lot better about your choices. I don’t have kids or want them but I get to see the bfs brothers kids at the holidays, that’s more than enough.

[Open Eyes]

Actually, more people are choosing not to have children now. Children are a huge responsiblity and are very expensive and are a "life" commitment. There is nothing wrong with deciding you don't want to live your life that way.

Our social conditioning to be told we have to conform to the gender stereotype of "wife/mother with children" as what is supposed to constitute a normal life for American women is the problem.

I certainly didn't get married or have children and I no longer feel guilty for it. It didn't happen. Nothing I can do about it. But, why should I hold that up as a character flaw or some kind of failure? It's neither.

Redefine what constitutes a normal life for yourself. You don't have to be married with children to "be normal." You're normal being yourself without children. Even if children weren't expensive or a lot of work, that doesn't even matter because the point is, you didn't want to have children and you stayed true to yourself. Many women concede and go against their nature and have children and as a result are not the best mothers.

A friend of mine married a woman who told him she didn't want to have children but he shamed her into getting pregnant and having their daughter. She abandoned my friend and their daughter a year after the daughter was born. She left him a note, "I have to go off and find myself. Good bye." That's literally all she wrote. He was devastated until he accepted responsibility for forcing her to have a child that she didn't want to have. He's remarried now, and his daughter is in college and she has never heard from or met his first wife, her biological mother.

The point of that story is that society needs to listen to and respect women's choices with regards to whether or not they want to have children. There is nothing wrong with choosing not to have a child. This is 2019. Anything goes these days. I don't think the nuclear family trope exists anymore. Fortunately.

[SarahSweden]

Thanks. I agree with all you say but to me there´s also another aspect in that I in a way wish that I had wanted children. That I could "join the group" so to speak even if I think it should absolutely be everyone´s choice to have or not to have children.


I can never be part of a majority of adults who have children and that creates an alienation even if I of course don´t mean that everyone should have children just to be part of that majority.

To me it´s not so much about others expecting me to have children or that I feel others have a negative view upon me because I don´t have children. It´s more of a sorrow even if I feel my choice to not have children is the right one.


I wish I had been "programmed" to be wanting children.

Originally Posted by StreetcarBlanche

Our social conditioning to be told we have to conform to the gender stereotype of "wife/mother with children" as what is supposed to constitute a normal life for American women is the problem.

I certainly didn't get married or have children and I no longer feel guilty for it. It didn't happen. Nothing I can do about it. But, why should I hold that up as a character flaw or some kind of failure? It's neither.

Redefine what constitutes a normal life for yourself. You don't have to be married with children to "be normal." You're normal being yourself without children. Even if children weren't expensive or a lot of work, that doesn't even matter because the point is, you didn't want to have children and you stayed true to yourself. Many women concede and go against their nature and have children and as a result are not the best mothers.

A friend of mine married a woman who told him she didn't want to have children but he shamed her into getting pregnant and having their daughter. She abandoned my friend and their daughter a year after the daughter was born. She left him a note, "I have to go off and find myself. Good bye." That's literally all she wrote. He was devastated until he accepted responsibility for forcing her to have a child that she didn't want to have. He's remarried now, and his daughter is in college and she has never heard from or met his first wife, her biological mother.

The point of that story is that society needs to listen to and respect women's choices with regards to whether or not they want to have children. There is nothing wrong with choosing not to have a child. This is 2019. Anything goes these days. I don't think the nuclear family trope exists anymore. Fortunately.

Oh, I understand the sorrow that you feel for knowing you didn't want to have children. That's totally normal to feel that way. I just think that society everywhere - in every culture - promotes "motherhood" as the only role that's acceptable or allowed for women and I think that's because of the patriarchal system of government; where men rule and women serve others which is so outdated and needs to change. That belief system needs to change.

I'm sorry that you feel bad for not wanting to have children, but not every woman wants children and that's absolutely fine!

[divine1966]

Two of my best friends don’t have children. Never been married. I don’t have negative view of them. You can belong to other groups, if you don’t belong to a group of women with kids. Professional groups of people from your career field, hobby based groups, friends, social clubs type of things, volunteering groups etc If you have no activity plan for holidays, you can volunteer somewhere.

Even people with kids don’t plan all their holidays and free time with their kids because when kids are grown up, they might not live close by. People might see their adult kids few times a year. We have three between us two (from first marriages) and they all live very far away so next time we will see mine and his will be in July. And not even at the same time. Mine flies here in the beginning of July and then we fly to see his at the end of July. Next time it will be probably Christmas but might not even that soon. People have only that much vacation days to spend visiting families.

The rest of the time people plan their activities and holidays with either friends or other family or alone or pursuing hobby or resting or heck some work during holidays. Life doesn’t always evolve around kids even if you are a parent

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by SarahSweden

Thanks. I agree with all you say but to me there´s also another aspect in that I in a way wish that I had wanted children. That I could "join the group" so to speak even if I think it should absolutely be everyone´s choice to have or not to have children.


I can never be part of a majority of adults who have children and that creates an alienation even if I of course don´t mean that everyone should have children just to be part of that majority.

To me it´s not so much about others expecting me to have children or that I feel others have a negative view upon me because I don´t have children. It´s more of a sorrow even if I feel my choice to not have children is the right one.


I wish I had been "programmed" to be wanting children.

There's no guarantee that those things would happen with kids or that having holidays with them is as rosy as the sound of not being alone.

[SarahSweden]

Thanks. Yes, in relation to society I don´t feel any pressure but it´s more myself who feels it´s very difficult to create a fulfilling life without a partner and children. There will always be something missing and something I haven´t experienced even if my longing for children isn´t there.


I live in the capital of Sweden where many women don´t have children but that´s not much of a comfort when I wish I had wanted "that other life" that the majority of people get.

Originally Posted by StreetcarBlanche

Oh, I understand the sorrow that you feel for knowing you didn't want to have children. That's totally normal to feel that way. I just think that society everywhere - in every culture - promotes "motherhood" as the only role that's acceptable or allowed for women and I think that's because of the patriarchal system of government; where men rule and women serve others which is so outdated and needs to change. That belief system needs to change.

I'm sorry that you feel bad for not wanting to have children, but not every woman wants children and that's absolutely fine!

[SarahSweden]

Thanks. I appreciate you sharing about your kids and how it´s not always the case that a family spends all holidays together. I´ve seen therapists and other mental health care workers and most of them have had kids and from hearing some bits "here and there" I´ve understood that they live close from each other and they text each other and such and I suppose that have made me feel more lonely.

I think it´ll always be a "me and them" where I stand alone and not being part of that community. It´s a longing for wanting to be part of that community, it´s not a wish for actually be part of it.


I assume it must sometimes feel hard for those having kids and not being able to see them as often as one would want, that it sometimes can turn into a sadness as well.

Originally Posted by divine1966

Two of my best friends don’t have children. Never been married. I don’t have negative view of them. You can belong to other groups, if you don’t belong to a group of women with kids. Professional groups of people from your career field, hobby based groups, friends, social clubs type of things, volunteering groups etc If you have no activity plan for holidays, you can volunteer somewhere.

Even people with kids don’t plan all their holidays and free time with their kids because when kids are grown up, they might not live close by. People might see their adult kids few times a year. We have three between us two (from first marriages) and they all live very far away so next time we will see mine and his will be in July. And not even at the same time. Mine flies here in the beginning of July and then we fly to see his at the end of July. Next time it will be probably Christmas but might not even that soon. People have only that much vacation days to spend visiting families.

The rest of the time people plan their activities and holidays with either friends or other family or alone or pursuing hobby or resting or heck some work during holidays. Life doesn’t always evolve around kids even if you are a parent

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by SarahSweden

Thanks. Yes, in relation to society I don´t feel any pressure but it´s more myself who feels it´s very difficult to create a fulfilling life without a partner and children. There will always be something missing and something I haven´t experienced even if my longing for children isn´t there.


I live in the capital of Sweden where many women don´t have children but that´s not much of a comfort when I wish I had wanted "that other life" that the majority of people get.

More and more people choose not to have children so I’d say that at some point childless people might be in majority or at least half the population will have no kids. I wonder if you’d feel better if you look for friends or social groups that also have no children or/and partners? Then you can have your own kind of life?

[SarahSweden]

Thanks. Yes, earlier when I searched to find more friends I sometimes wrote I wanted to get to know people without children like me. That´s a possibility, to find groups or friends with no kids, I have a couple of such acquaintances.


But that will only to some extent lessen my sorrow about not wanting kids and the fact that I have never had a partner either. Perhaps I´ll find some deeper meaning in life somewhere else but there will still be some kind of alienation present.

Originally Posted by divine1966

More and more people choose not to have children so I’d say that at some point childless people might be in majority or at least half the population will have no kids. I wonder if you’d feel better if you look for friends or social groups that also have no children or/and partners? Then you can have your own kind of life?