Codependent but no family of origin issues.

I have certain co-dependency traits. After a lot of reading about the subject, everything fits perfectly except for the cause. Every resource I look at states that these sorts of issues are caused by childhood neglect or abuse. However, I come from a loving and supportive family, who I have always had good relations with and who I value and respect. Since most treatment comes through confronting these particular issues, I'm stuck with a lot of advice that doesn't really fit my case. I can't find any information about other causes, so I'm at a bit of a loss trying to find information that can help. Does anyone know of any resources that deal with codependency without pointing the finger at early developmental stagnation?

I'm sorry. I wish I could shed some light for you. I'm co dependent also but yeah like you've mentioned I never really had my parents around. Only really got to know them over a phone.

Co dependency really does suck and i hope u work it out and get some help. Is there a specific problem u are in that this is a issue right now? Like being with someone for the wrong reasons ect or are u just trying to understand it

Are diagnosed with a mental illness? I believe that in itself can be a cause.

What are your co-dependency traits?

How long have you had them?

JadedEmpath, just use the internet for articles on codependency. Also, schedule a session with a therapist who practices cognitive therapy. If you have those traits, sorry but your family of origin created you to have those traits. People aren't born codependent, they're made that way by their family members dysfunctional traits. These could be with communication, socialization, how they reward/punish you for behavior, how they use shame, praise, etc.,. and how the family system is set up.

Dysfunctional Family Defined (31 Patterns And How To Deal With Them)

Dysfunctional families-have-common-destructive-traits

Defining the Traits of Dysfunctional Families | King University Online

8 Common Characteristics of a Dysfunctional Family - Psych2Go

I'm so sorry you're going through all of this, JadedEmpath! I completely understand what you mean! I completely agree with what all the other great, kind, wise and wonderful posters have already wisely said better than I ever could! You've been given lots of great, kind, wise and wonderful advice and suggestions on this thread! I'd suggest to follow it as much as you can if you want to! I'm not sure of what may be the cause unfortunately so I don't have a lot of advice to give to you about all of this! I do believe there CAN be other causes as well though or perhaps some things that you may have noticed up to this point in your life! Just some thoughts I've wanted to share! Do you see a therapist? Maybe that could help! You could learn new ways to cope with your feelings if you haven't already! Please DO consider it if you're not seeing one already, ok? Remember that we're here for you if you need it! Feel free to PM me anytime! Let us know if there's ANYTHING, ANYTHING AT ALL that we may do to HELP YOU OUT! Just LET US KNOW and MENTION IT and we'll HELP YOU OUT as mcuh as we possibly can and WE'LL TRY OUR BEST TO HELP YOU OUT! I PROMISE YOU THAT! PLEASE REMEMBER ALL OF THIS AS MUCH AS YOU CAN! WISH YOU GOOD LUCK! Let us know howit goes and please keep us updated as much as you possibly CAN! We DO CARE about you and we DO want to know how it goes and how things will go for you! I hope you'll be able to get the help you NEED and DESERVE! You DESERVE to GET BETTER and TO FEEL GOOD! You deserve to live an HAPPY, FULFILLING LIFE just like EVERYONE ELSE DOES! You deserve ALL of what I've just mentioned and MUCH, MUCH MORE because YOU'RE AWESOME, YOU ROCK and YOU KNOW IT! We ALL know that! I'm sure you know that as well even if it's deep down inside you! I PROMISE YOU THAT! PLEASE REMEMBER THAT! I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this, JadedEmpath!!!!!

You make a great point that family origin does not always mean abuse or neglect, but could be a matter of being dysfunctional.

Thanks. Healthy family systems don't create codependency in their members. It just doesn't work that way. Codependency in a person will develop as a self-preservation response to trauma, in a family system that is dysfunctional.

But my family isn't dysfunctional in any way that I can tell. Everyone has good relationships with each other. Even if I examine things with a overly critical eye, I could maybe come up with a few things at a stretch, but that's just being pedantic.

What are your co-dependency traits?

I have Schizotypal Personality Disorder and it comes with chronic feelings of emptiness and a general lack of purpose or direction. I tend to find purpose through strange thoughts tied to moral or spiritual pursuits. But also through acceptance by other people, be they friend, family, lover or colleague. I find the recognition of a community as a whole worth less than the recognition of an individual person. The former gives me a some semblance of hollow, egotistical pride, but the latter gives me a deep sense of personal worth that I feel deep gratitude for, as well as somewhat allowing me to live vicariously through them.

To achieve that acceptance, I feel like I have to be invaluable, so I dedicate myself fully to "the project". Because of my deep moral/spiritual outlook, I take failures or my own shortcomings to be very damning. At the same time, It provides me with a very stubborn nature that is a bit of a contradiction. On the one hand, I am someone that has little personal boundaries, but on the other, when those boundaries ARE met, I become stubborn, resolute and fierce.

It means that i tend to find myself connecting to needy (or predatory) people who do not respect other peoples personal boundaries. But since I DO have boundaries, and those boundaries can have peculiar definitions sometimes, conflict can often arise seemingly from nowhere. On the surface it may appear that they take and I give unconditionally, but that is never really the case. The person I will have enmeshed with will suddenly find that I am no longer providing the selfless supply they are accustomed to, and I feel that the person is not respecting my boundaries or needs.

When the conflict arises and the enmeshment begins to break down, because I have invested so much into the person, losing them feels like losing myself. I tend to live life on a rubber band, snapping back into a state of isolation and despondency. I don't jump from one relationship to another, since the destruction of myself makes me feel unworthy and useless. When in this state, I try to build myself and my character, but inevitably I meet someone and the house of cards that I have built for myself gets blown over in the face of this new connection. I lose myself to them again, get destroyed, then rebuild, and on and on the cycle goes.

Thank you very much for your post.

Your original question was to ask what was causing you to have co-dependent traits.

To me, in the post above you give a persuasive response.

I think you said that your Schizotypal Personality Disorder provides the impetus for your co-dependent behaviors. It sounds to me as though "the project" feels so overwhelmingly important (in providing you with direction and purpose) that you allow yourself to connect with people who do not respect boundaries. You then behave in a co-dependent manner with these people--to support "the project"--until eventually they overstep the boundaries that you do have and enmeshment breaks down.

How well does the above resonate with you?

It's a bit of a chicken and egg thing really. I think that my co-dependent traits are responsible for my STPD, since it is the abuse I've received that has caused me to retreat into myself and avoid people. But at the same time, it is the loneliness and isolation of that which causes me to act co-dependently.

I carry a high degree of toxic shame due to my divergence. Most people I meet pick up on my insecurity and shun me for it, causing me to feel further alienated. When I meet people who don't treat me that way, I have a feeling of "arriving" at something normal. The value of that can't be understated, since it validates me and alleviates the shame I feel about myself. Due to the rarity of it, it becomes something precious and worth maintaining at great lengths. Sadly, most of the time, these people are predatory, dysfunctional, or have ulterior motives.

It sounds like you experienced abuse, but not from your family.

The abuse you experienced caused you to retreat and ultimately become lonely.

Then the loneliness led you to act in a co-dependent manner.

So abuse -> withdraw -> lonely -> act co-dependent -> attract more abuse

How accurate is the above?

Yeah, that's pretty accurate. What I could add to that is that I didn't help myself much with overcoming this. In the early part of my life (15 to around 26) I was very angry, emotionally disturbed and antisocial. I was consumed by shame and anxiety for the longest time. As I grew older, I socialised; in a large part by developing strong spiritual beliefs (not religious).

I was searching around and I found this article. It explains my nature accurately regarding the most recent relationship that has caused me harm.

BPD and the Nice Guy Personality Type - The Nicola Method

That article was extremely interesting and informative, thank you so much for it!