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Old 04-25-2019, 11:06 PM #1
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Default Seeing someone and I'm stress eating most nights

I need to bounce this off someone.

I have been stress eating SO MUCH.

I am seeing someone. He's a nice guy. He is respectful. We are not in an official relationship, and it probably will not get to that point. I already posted about him once here, and got a lot of strange replies hung up on his age (there's a substantial age difference between us). I had it taken down because peoples judgmental replies stressed me out. Please do not be judgmental or presume things. If you're wondering, just ask. But I need kindness.

First I ate, because I was insecure about some things. That is better now. Now I'm eating because...I feel empty. There's something about him / us, that doesn't resonate with me. I'm not head over heels for him. It took me a while to get to this point, where I'm openly admitting this, to myself as well. It feels like there is a lacking type of connection that I feel like I need. I keep getting caught up in the fact that he's a good person, respects me, and we like each other (i.e. so I should stay). I don't know what to do. It feels lukewarm now.

I don't feel like we emotionally connect. I mean, we connect on a basic level I guess. But I don't know. I am getting fat due to all this night stress / emotional eating. I don't feel empowered. I feel...blank.

I do like him. And I have been sexually attracted to him. Sometimes I am not though.

I don't want this to be a thing I look at in absolutes (Black and white thinking / either I'm in or I'm out). I woke up this morning, and thought to myself "I still want him in my life." Usually with guys it's the opposite. I wake up and am like omg, get away from me what was I thinking.

I am also afraid to end it. Not because I'm afraid of the act of ending it (though I'm not looking forward to that). It's more because I'm afraid I'll make the wrong decision, and want to change my mind, and he won't be there. I also would probably quit my class that he is in with me. It's not a big loss, to be honest, the class, though.

Please help. I have no idea what I am doing. I have not idea what to do. I might tell him I would like space for a week to think.
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Old 04-26-2019, 01:16 AM #2
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Default Re: Seeing someone and I'm stress eating most nights

I feel like at the end of the day it will still be your choice that will matter most. I am sorry to hear that you have been stress out with the opinion of the members of this community, maybe they are just concern.

Also, don't jump into a conclusion not just yet if you feel like he completes and makes you happy then there's nothing wrong to give it a try. We have so many what ifs the reason a supposed to be good relationship ends without any label.
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Old 04-26-2019, 02:45 AM #3
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Default Re: Seeing someone and I'm stress eating most nights

I am sorry you are in a situation where you see him regularly (can't avoid him unless you drop your class). Having time away from someone (I suggest more than a week), can put your feelings in perspective. Obsession has a "chemical" component, like an OCD habit. Perhaps you "know" it isn't right but are just caught up in it because you have few other relationships? When you complete your class, I think that then you could really get the space you need to help you stop obsessing. Sometimes we can get in these loops about certain people in our mind and much of it is simply all in our mind. If that makes sense? I am speaking from personal experience so it might not apply. I hope it helps. If not then here's some hugs:
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Old 04-26-2019, 03:40 AM #4
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Default Re: Seeing someone and I'm stress eating most nights

Hi NoWinners. I don't think I'm obsessing. It took me until recently to even be able to admit it was bothering me. Also, I do have friends and a life. I have many connections with others and I felt I used to have a rich life that was beginning to have meaning. I think this thing with him, has sort of sapped me of my own energy.

I do still want him in my life. I like him! but yeah a break may be good. I probably won't make my decision here on the forum though.
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Old 04-26-2019, 03:49 AM #5
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Default Re: Seeing someone and I'm stress eating most nights

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ptak View Post
I think this thing with him, has sort of sapped me of my own energy.

I do still want him in my life. I like him! but yeah a break may be good. I probably won't make my decision here on the forum though.
I believe in never rejecting anyone. That you feel this way means that you value him in some way. I am glad you aren't obsessing but the stress eating over it must mean something (I have no ideal what though--perhaps he is triggering a past emotional situation?)
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Old 04-26-2019, 03:55 AM #6
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Default Re: Seeing someone and I'm stress eating most nights

Yeah. I think the stress eating is coming from not feeling emotionally connected with him. I feel,like,I'm,not getting that need met. I also have sort of a wall,up,myself due to his age.,it does feel like a finite situation. Aka, having an end to it. I think the stress eating is also coming from stuffing my emotions down and ignoring them. So I'm glad I posted I guess.
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Old 04-26-2019, 04:28 AM #7
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Default Re: Seeing someone and I'm stress eating most nights

I think youíve identified your feelings as you like him more as a friend than lover. You are stress eating because you are trying to suppress the fact that you really donít want this person as a romantic partner, more as a friend. Itís ok to take as much time as you need to fully come to terms with your feelings.

There was once a funny episode of Sex and the City, where Miranda was stress eating and said she needed to go to the Betty Crocker Clinic (like Betty Ford Clinic).

This person is not the only person in the world. You are not stuck with them.
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Old 04-26-2019, 08:14 AM #8
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Default Re: Seeing someone and I'm stress eating most nights

This is my opinion and what I wondered: Growing up or in your other relationships did you experience abuse? Did your eating disorder start around then? Was their violence or chaos?
I used to be very overweight and was an emotional eater. I was not food addicted though. suffered abuse as a child and abuse in some relationships. My eating was always a way to subconsciously make myself "unattractive" (not the truth but it was my truth) It was my way of hoping that a person would leave me, or make the decision to break up for me and in some cases being bigger made me feel like no one would want to hurt me. I do not know if you feel that way but I wanted to share my experience. I am no longer overweight but that involved gastric bypass and 16 years of therapy and medication- not an easy process.
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Old 04-26-2019, 09:44 AM #9
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Default Re: Seeing someone and I'm stress eating most nights

As far as I am aware I do not have an eating disorder. I've seen many professionals able to diagnose that type of thing. I do not and never have had an eating disorder diagnosis. My emotional eating started a few weeks ago, and I directly relate it to this situation. No, I don't think I'm trying to gain weight so he will leave me.

I'm sorry that you experienced that - violence and abuse in your childhood, as well as abuse in some of your relationships. That sounds awful. Be proud, it sounds like you've overcome a lot! You seem like you're in a good place.
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Old 04-26-2019, 10:46 AM #10
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Default Re: Seeing someone and I'm stress eating most nights

Quote:
Originally Posted by TishaBuv View Post
I think youíve identified your feelings as you like him more as a friend than lover. You are stress eating because you are trying to suppress the fact that you really donít want this person as a romantic partner, more as a friend. Itís ok to take as much time as you need to fully come to terms with your feelings.

There was once a funny episode of Sex and the City, where Miranda was stress eating and said she needed to go to the Betty Crocker Clinic (like Betty Ford Clinic).

This person is not the only person in the world. You are not stuck with them.
Thank you for your words Tisha. I found them very reassuring.
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